205: The Loneliness After Betrayal

Loneliness after betrayal can be louder than the affair itself. One day you’re functioning on the outside, and the next you’re sitting in a crowded room feeling completely cut off, ashamed, and unsafe in your own life. We talk honestly about that specific kind of emotional isolation that follows infidelity, why it happens, and why it’s so common to feel like you’re living two different lives while everyone else acts normal.

We unpack how betrayal trauma shatters trust and throws your nervous system into fight, flight, or freeze, making you withdraw, overthink, and question everyone including yourself. We also name the hidden weight of being a “secret keeper,” protecting a spouse’s image, protecting your kids, and swallowing your own pain. Then we go deeper into secondary isolation, the moment you finally reach out and get hit with “just forgive,” “just leave,” or “stop talking about it,” and you realize the problem isn’t that people don’t care, it’s that they don’t understand.

From there, we focus on what actually helps with healing after infidelity and divorce recovery: finding one safe person, hearing other people’s stories, seeking betrayal-informed support, and learning nervous system regulation so you can feel grounded and like yourself again. If you’re tired of carrying this alone, you’ll leave with language for what you’re experiencing and a clearer next step toward connection, confidence, and peace.

Subscribe so you don’t miss what’s next, share this with someone who’s white-knuckling their way through betrayal, and leave a review to help the right person find us. What part of loneliness after betrayal feels most true for you right now?

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Transcript

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Welcome And What We Hold Here

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you're in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace. So you can create your happily even after one episode at a time. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast. I think this subject has been on my mind because I have a lot of clients experiencing this after betrayal. Of course, I've experienced this, but that's kind of why I wanted to talk about this because I don't think this is a very talked-about subject, especially around

The Loneliness Nobody Warns You About

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betrayal. So one of the loneliest parts of betrayal is something no one really prepares you for. It's not just the affair itself, it's the emotional isolation that comes after. And that for sure I have experienced. You can be surrounded by family and friends and coworkers, even your spouse, and still feel completely alone. So today I want to talk about the kind of loneliness that shows up after betrayal that most people don't talk about. And why does betrayal create isolation? I think betrayal shatters your trust. So you not only don't trust yourself, you don't trust your spouse, you it's hard to trust anyone else. Your world suddenly feels unsafe. You start questioning everyone, your brain goes into survival mode. When someone you trusted the most betrays you, it doesn't just break your heart, it breaks your sense of safety in the world. This often leads to withdrawing, overthinking, not trusting others, and feeling misunderstood. And this is so common. And shame wants us to hide. And so many of us feel shame after we discover our spouse had an affair. And I relate to that very much. The loneliness of keeping the secret. This is huge for betrayed partners. Many people don't want to embarrass their spouse, they don't want to hurt their kids, they don't want others to judge their marriage, so they keep the secret. And so fascinating. I know I've done other podcasts about this. It's like we become secret keepers. Our husband or wife was keeping the secret of them having an affair, living this double life, doing all the things. Then we find out we're devastated. And then we feel like we then have to keep their secret, right? To somehow, you know, make sure their image isn't ruined. And I felt this, and I do understand because the thing is, at first, I always tell

Why Betrayal Triggers Isolation And Shame

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people there's no rush to make a decision, and there isn't. I don't think it's good to rush because we want to make sure you are more in a regulated space, a more healed space. So you make the best decision for you. Otherwise, you're going to make a rash decision and maybe it will be harder for that decision. And so, anyways, this is very common. I remember realizing that I was carrying this enormous secret around while everyone else was just going about living their normal life. People would ask all the time, like, you know, about my marriage, how I was doing. And I would always say, I'm fine. I'm fine. While inside my entire world was falling apart. I for sure the affair started happening early on in my marriage. And I never told anyone. Uh, the only person I told was, well, we did attempt therapy. Therapy sucked. It was terrible. They had no concept of betrayal trauma. It's like, how can you be a better wife, Jennifer? What can you do to help your husband meet his needs more? And so terrible, right? Terrible help. And then also, I didn't want anyone in my neighborhood to know. I didn't tell my parents. I told my brother. I have one brother, and he knew. And the thing is, he just supported and loved me. And I think my husband at the time resented that. He resented his support and love for me. He never told me what to do. I think he understood I had babies. What was I going to do as a single mom? I was a stay-at-home mom. He didn't have capacity to help me. I was helping him. And so we just we rarely talked about it, but he knew. And I think that gave me a little comfort, but for sure I didn't tell anyone else. And I think I self-isolated because I during my marriage, I had a belief that I didn't have friends. And I mean, yes, I had friends, but they weren't what I needed, the kind of friends I needed. But they they didn't know that because also I had a secret, right? Like, so I think I wasn't vulnerable with my friends. And so yeah, I had lots of acquaintances. I had people, I would call my friends. I sent hundreds of Christmas cards every year. I think people liked me,

The Secret Keeping That Breaks You

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but the problem is I couldn't feel that because I didn't like me. It was really hard for me to receive that. And so it wasn't until later as I began healing that I realized actually I'm very likable. And the other issue was my former husband was extremely likable. Everyone liked him. And he totally, you know, exploited, not exploited that, but he he knew that. He knew that. And I was less than him. Right. We definitely had a I am better than you in always marriage. And you are less than me. And so that was the dynamic of our marriage. But I didn't necessarily recognize this until after I was divorced. But he was very likable and he was the life of the party, and he was funny. And, you know, my kids loved him and thought he was great. And then, mom, I'm the one, I'm the rulemaker, and I'm the curmudgeon. And I am more quiet and reserved. And so I just created the thing that I think this story about myself that was a very negative story. And it was because I had a secret. I had this thing. I couldn't let anyone know that my husband had had an affair, had had many affairs. I just couldn't tell anyone. And then later, as I became older and wiser and began healing, right? And then in 2018, when everyone knew my husband was having an affair, that affair was very public. And I started healing. And even though we reconciled, I continued my healing journey and I started getting friends and getting involved and finding coaching and realizing, like, oh, actually, people do like me. And I started liking me and I started creating a friend network. And so I didn't isolate anymore because I wasn't cloaked and layered in shame for something that I never did. And so isolation is a real thing. And if you feel yourself in it, I'm going to encourage you to just in moments, if you can, step out and think, what if I'm not alone? One of the whole reasons I do this podcast, because I never want anyone to feel like I did. I know that's not possible, right? Because I get people all the time on consult calls that I do saying they feel very alone and isolated. And so that's a thought and a feeling. And I just want you to consider what if you aren't alone? What if there are other people? That's one beautiful thing I love about social media because we can find our people on there. People will follow me because they resonate. Something that I say resonates with them. That's why you're listening to this podcast because you're like, oh, she understands me. She gets me. Yes, I do. And I want you to know you aren't alone. We're in this together. Life is meant to be lived as a community, as a society. Of course, some people suck in the society and some people it's hard to live with. But I want you to know that's why there's clubs and groups and things that you like. You can be in this club that I know you didn't want to be in, the betrayal club, but I want you to know you're in it with people that love and care about you and want you to heal and have your best interest in mind. And we're not going to lie to you. We're not going to manipulate you and gaslight you. It's a safe place to be. And so if you find yourself feeling like you're isolating, it makes sense. Why, right? So often I totally felt like I was living two different lives. It's like the life that the world saw of me and my family, and then the life that I saw. I just was looking at it through a different lens. Now it was a negative lens because I had so much shame and so much brokenness and so much that was unhealed and dysregulated because I didn't even know how to even go about it. And, you know, I did. I tried. I went to therapy. And then they just told me, you know, my husband presented the list of all the things that he needed me to do so he could be happy. And then I would try to do it. And I just wouldn't do it the way he wanted me to do it. And I wouldn't,

Rebuilding Support And Finding Your People

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I would, you know, keep up on certain things for a while and then I would not. And then I would just be the failure. And I just piled on more shame and pain onto myself. Just no, you were holding pain that no one sees. And I want you to see your pain though. If you can see it, that's all that matters. Silence creates isolation. Shame says, don't talk about this and to hide. And I'm not telling you to go run and tell everyone, but find a few safe people. Even just one person can make a difference. Even if you can just talk to a professional, one friend, one person, that will make the difference in you if you feel isolated or not. This can happen whether people stay or leave. So don't think, well, if I get divorced, then I won't feel lonely anymore. Or if I get divorced, I'm going to feel more lonely. Absolutely not. That's not necessarily true. One of the reasons why it's so hard when you're going through betrayal is because the person who hurt you is the one you also want to comfort you. That normally comforts you, but they're the one that hurt you. And that feels another layer of feeling alone. They may be defensive or emotionally unavailable. And the relationship suddenly feels very unfamiliar and not normal. And so you feel more and more isolated. The person you used to go for comfort is now the person who caused the pain. And that creates a very confusing kind of loneliness. And it's so true. I remember right after I got divorced, I used to text my former husband like five times a day. Like for we were married for 26 years. So obviously we didn't always text, but I would then call him right on an actual phone, which these days people don't like to do anymore, is to make a phone call. But I would call him like three to five times a day just to have human connection. Cause I was lonely at home with the babies. And so that was something I had to get used to. Just know that it is normal that you feel lonely, even though your spouse is maybe laying next to you in bed. But there's this like very wide space in between you because they are the ones that hurt you and you're trying to reconcile that. Then for those of you that have decided, well, I'm just gonna ask my friends and family what they think I should do. And then they start saying things like, Well, you need to leave. Can't you just forgive him or her? Why are you still talking about it? At least it wasn't worse. And this creates secondary isolation because here are these other people that you're trying to go for support are not offering support, at least not the support you need.

When Comfort Comes From The Hurt

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Sometimes the loneliness isn't because people don't care, it's because they don't understand the trauma betrayal creates. And that's why I recommend getting a betrayal coach. Even therapists, right? They've studied about betrayal, I'm sure, in their classes that they took to become a therapist. But I've lived it. I know how it feels, I know what it looks like. And so I think that is something to consider when looking to get help is to to work with someone that's actually experienced betrayal. I haven't experienced exactly what you've experienced, but I definitely have experienced betrayal. Another thing that happens is the loneliness of not recognizing yourself. Now, this is also something I did experience. And I didn't even recognize who I was. After I like in probably like, I don't know, probably most of my 40s, I'm like, who am I? I just I would look in the mirror and I would think there was such a disassociation that I had created and a disconnect with myself and like who I was and how I was acting. And I just, I was just a hot mess. And so really after my divorce is when I started reconnecting with myself and actually becoming who I was all along, but I just lost myself in lies from who my husband thought I was. I believed them. I'm like, oh yeah, that's probably who I am. No, they were lies, they weren't even true. And I don't believe anything, anything he thought I was. I'm out. I'm not that person. I know who I am. And now I know that. And so I don't feel so lonely. I'm very confident and I feel like myself again. I feel like the person I was born to be and who I always was, that for whatever reason, my spouse could never see that. He always saw my deficiencies and my weaknesses. He could never see the good that I had inside of me. And we all have good. And of course, we all have bad. But when you focus on just seeing the negative, that's what he created. And, you know, created the story of, you know, I guess why he needed to then have affairs with these women. I don't know, I don't know. But all that matters to me now is

Losing Yourself And Regulating Your Nervous System

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that I see me. So your nervous system is a part of this. Learning to regulate your nervous system will help you not feel so broken and help you find yourself again. When you can get out of the fight, flight, or freeze that you're stuck in and begin regulating and feeling more calm and peaceful in your life. When isolation can begin lifting is when you understand the trauma that you've gone through. You're able to talk to safe people, you hear other people's stories. I think hearing other people's stories is very powerful. Getting support, listening to podcasts like this one, finding a coach, finding someone to help you. And yeah, I mean, the main reason I started my podcast, well, two reasons. One was for myself and for my own healing. I needed to speak my truth. I needed to speak the unspeakable out into the world. I didn't know was anyone gonna listen to this? And actually, the reason I started this podcast was because my husband and I were reconciling our marriage. I wanted to give people hope in healing, right? That was the original. Now I pivoted to for me, my own healing. Because truthfully, this was never about my marriage and was never about my former spouse. It was always about me. I just didn't see it yet. I didn't see it until after I got divorced that this is why I was doing this. This was my purpose. This was my gift for myself and for hopefully many of you. So you could see, oh, it's possible. I don't have to be miserable for the rest of my life. I can heal. And that has been very healing for me. So if this podcast didn't help anyone, it helped me. And that I think makes it all worth it. So if you are feeling incredibly alone right now because of betrayal, I want you to know something. The loneliness you're feeling is a very normal response to a very painful experience. Healing begins the moment you stop carrying the pain alone. If you're ready to stop feeling so alone in this process, I would love to help you. You can schedule a call with me or join

Help Options And Closing Message

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one of my programs where we work through this together. So just remember when everyone around you was acting normal, but your life felt shattered, that was normal. That's of course how you felt. Knowing that when you went to dinner or church or a party and you pretended everything was fine, like I did, totally normal. You didn't do anything wrong. When everyone else was asleep, but you were awake replaying everything, totally normal. That's part of your healing. And just know it's okay to get help. That is also normal, and that will help you. Betrayal doesn't just break your heart, it can isolate you in ways that you never expected. And I hope that you are ready to not be alone anymore and isolate and get help and reach out. Thanks for listening. Have a beautiful day, and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you're in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That's Jen with 1N and take the free quiz. It's a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.