208: Limerence Explains Why They Could Not Stop The Affair

Your spouse seems obsessed with someone else, they can’t put their phone down, and you’re left staring at the wreckage asking, “Was any of this real?” Today we name the pattern that explains so much of the chaos after infidelity: limerence. It can look like love, but it often behaves more like an intense emotional addiction fueled by fantasy, secrecy, uncertainty, and a dopamine rush that keeps the affair looping.

We walk through the most common signs of limerence in an affair, from intrusive thoughts and emotional dependence to rewriting reality with soulmate stories and minimizing consequences. I also share why it can feel like your partner turns into a stranger overnight, changing habits, priorities, and even their identity to match the fantasy. If you’ve been stuck trying to decode their behavior, this conversation gives you language for what you’re seeing and permission to stop taking it as proof that you weren’t enough.

Then we bring it back to you and your healing after betrayal trauma. Limerence is not a reflection of your worth, and you can’t compete with a fantasy that has zero real-life responsibility. We talk about getting grounded, regulating your nervous system, and going inward so you can rebuild confidence and create clarity whether your spouse “snaps out of it” or not. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you’re in, take the free quiz at lifecoachgen.com (Jen with one N) and then subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find support.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com take the Free Quiz to find out how- How healed you are? 

Transcript

Welcome And The Podcast Promise

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you're in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace so you can create your happily even after one episode at a time. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast. So have you ever thought how could they be so obsessed with someone else? Why couldn't they just stop? Was what they had real love? Today we are talking about something that explains a lot of that, and it's called limerence. Understanding this might not take away your pain, but it will give you clarity. And clarity is what helps you start to heal. Now, I think most affairs experience limerence. I'm an expert in my own experience as well as working with lots of people, but limerence is a feeling that I'm gonna talk about today and see if it resonates with you. So the definition of limerence limerence is not love, it's an intense, obsessive, addictive infatuation with another person fueled by fantasy, uncertainty, and emotional highs and lows. It sounds like my spouse many times who had an affair. He was experiencing limerence. So this is what they might feel in their affair. They have intrusive thoughts about the person. And that's why, unfortunately, after the discovery of the affair, oftentimes it's hard for your spouse to let go of the affair. They might logically want to, but it's like this thing pulling them. They become emotionally dependent on this other person's attention. There's extreme highs when they get the attention and extreme lows when they don't. And the fantasy is greater than the reality, right? Because the reality is with you, the marital partner, the person married to them. That's reality. The fantasy is the affair partner. And so it's very intense. It's basically a dopamine roller coaster disguised as love. And I myself, especially in my spouse's affair in 2018 with this other woman who was also married, I mean, I was on the roller coaster with them. I felt like once I discovered the affair and I was getting divorced, and I mean, there would be just craziness all the time, just absolute craziness. And I thought, I can't do this anymore. I've got to get off this roller coaster. But I was so desperate to save my marriage that I just didn't, right? And they were on my spouse was on the roller coaster. And this other woman was just, I mean, it was it was insane. Maybe someday I'll share some of those stories, but crazy. And I felt crazy going through that. So what people, especially the cheating partner, can experience, they feel alive or seen in a new way, right? If you've ever seen that, well, they just see me, they just get me, they just understand me like no other person ever did. This is part of limerence. They become preoccupied, they check their phone constantly. Like most people that are having an affair, it's like they do not let their phone out of their sight. It is one really blaring sign that someone might be having an affair because they do not set their phone down. It is with them attached at the hip 24-7. I'm sure there's other people that aren't having an affair that do this, but it's just a sign to pay attention to. They rewrite reality. Like, oh, this is my soulmate. You even hear, but I was praying and God told me, like, he brought this person into my life at just the right time. I'm like, no, God did not do that. God talks a lot about adultery in the Bible, in the scriptures. He did not bring this other woman or this other man into your life to destroy your family and your marriage. You did not meet your soulmate online or you did not meet your soulmate at your job. Just doesn't happen that way. Right. And there's not, in my opinion, even such things as soulmates. But this is what limerence tells us. They minimize the consequences. I see this so often. It's like, it's almost like they don't realize that they can't have both. They can't have their family, their life that they love, their kids and their house and their assets and their cars and their spouse making dinner or going grocery shopping or planning the amazing vacations, as well as their girlfriend or their boyfriend. They want both. Of course they do. They may feel like they can't stop, and that's very common. I always tell people it's like they're on a very intense drug. So something to think about for you. If you have a spouse that you feel like is stuck in limerence, just because it feels intense doesn't mean it's true. Intensity is not the same thing as intimacy. Okay, a lot of people in affairs think they found something magical, but what they've actually found is a chemical and emotional loop. It's like this addiction. And every time they get a little hit, they want a little hit more. How it might affect those of us that have been betrayed, right? We think this is where we go. Why wasn't I enough? What do they have that I don't? We go into this comparison spiral, right? We always want to see, well, what did they look like? What was their body like? We compare ourselves. I don't know if men do this with the body, they might do it with a job or money, but maybe, maybe with their body. I think that's important as well with men. Um, we feel replaced or discarded. It's very confusing. How can they act like a different person? And it's really true. If you've experienced this with your spouse who's in limerence, they literally look and feel and act like a completely different person. Limerence can make your spouse act like someone you don't even recognize. And that is incredibly destabilizing. It is so true. Like they might start like someone that hasn't worked out a day in your marriage, and then they just become gym rats and start working out, or they start dressing differently. I remember I noticed this a lot in 2018 when my spouse was having this very intense affair with a coworker. And it's like he bought new clothes, he was working out all the time, he was really self-conscious about his hairline, what he looked like, what he ate. And I mean, just very interesting. And I think a lot of people experience this. The truth is their limerence is not a reflection of your worth. It's a reflection of their emotional immaturity, avoidance, and unmet internal needs. And you realize this, right? It's not about you. This is about them. And that's very hard to separate because it feels very personal. But just remember that it's not about you. Why limerence is so common in an affair? It's because it's novelty, right? Novelty is this dopamine, intense dopamine hit. It's very secret. Affairs live in secrecy, which intensifies the emotion. It's an escape from reality, right? They don't have to pay bills or change diapers or, you know, plan anything or rub your feet. They get to just do whatever they want with this other person. They don't have any responsibilities when they're with the affair partner versus when they're at home. They might have to mow the lawn or do a load of laundry. That's not very glamorous, right? That's real life. They lack emotional skills. They have avoidance or discomfort in their marriage or themselves. So this, all these dynamics can create intense limerence, which is also part of the affair. Affairs are the perfect environment for limerence to grow. Now, a lot of people are like, but I love them. It's not love, it's limerence. Fantasy, secrecy, and zero real life responsibility, that is like the magic pill for limerence. Real relationships require work. Limerence thrives where there is none. So just pay attention to that. Just know that. I just want you to know that for yourself. What this means in someone that's trying to heal. You can't compete with a fantasy. It's just impossible. So don't even try. You don't need to win them back. Okay, so don't even try doing that either. You need to focus on your healing and your regulation, understanding what's going on for you and just focus on you. Go inward instead of outward. Clarity will come when you feel more grounded, not when they snap out of it. So focus on, okay, how can I get more grounded? How can I be more intentional in my healing? And we don't need to wait for them, right? It's possible they will snap out of it and come to their senses, maybe, and maybe not. But either way, just know you'll be okay. If you've been trying to make sense of something that felt insane, I hope this helped you understand. It's because your spouse was experiencing limerence. If you're stuck trying to understand their behavior instead of healing your own heart, that's exactly the work I do to help my clients. You don't have to stay in confusion. You can move into more clarity and more understanding of what you need and want. And I hope you do. I hope this was helpful. Thanks so much for listening and have a beautiful day, and I'll talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you're in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That's Jen with one N, and take the free quiz. It's a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.