209: The Divorce Labels That Hide Betrayal Pain

“Amicable divorce” sounds like a clean ending, but for a lot of us it’s just a clean label slapped onto a brutal reality. I’m Jen, and I’m talking about why certain divorce labels can feel irritating, minimizing, or even dishonest when betrayal and infidelity are part of the story. You can behave respectfully and still be heartbroken. You can look calm in mediation and be completely frozen inside. Naming that matters because betrayal trauma doesn’t disappear just because you stayed polite.

We also walk through separation options that people consider before finalizing divorce, especially when kids are involved. I break down nesting, in-home separation, and trial separation with the real-life pros and cons, including the ways boundaries can get blurry and pain can get reopened when an affair partner enters shared spaces. If you’re searching for a separation plan that reduces chaos, I explain why a therapeutic separation with clear rules, goals, timelines, and professional guidance can be the healthiest structure for many couples, even when reconciliation is uncertain.

Finally, I share what I believe helps kids most during divorce and co-parenting: consistency, emotional safety, and honest age-appropriate communication. A peaceful-looking divorce that avoids all emotion can be just as confusing as a chaotic one, so we talk about how to stay regulated, aligned, and clear without putting children in the middle. If you’re navigating an uncontested divorce, a contested divorce, or just trying to make sense of irreconcilable differences, you’ll leave with better language and steadier next steps.

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Transcript

Welcome And Why Labels Show Up

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Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you're in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace. So you can create your happily even after one episode at a time. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast. I'm so glad you're here. So I have something interesting to talk about. And I've been thinking about it because it's just been on my mind. And I think some people say, Oh, we just got an amicable divorce. And before you stop listening, let me just explain why this is irritating to me. And why I don't know. I think it's kind of a lie. I'm sure there are a few of you listening to this that are like, oh, I totally got an amicable divorce. And I could probably say, I got an amicable divorce, right? I didn't yell in the hour and a half, two hour meeting I had with me, my former spouse, and the mediator we were meeting with, right? I didn't make a scene, but was it amicable? Anyways, so I'm going to talk about different things that we label divorces as and why they can be kind of hurtful or problematic, as well as different types of separations. Cause I just want you to, if you are experiencing divorce or thinking about getting divorced or separated, I want to talk about it. I believe a divorce can be respectful. There can be respect in a divorce, right? I do believe that you can have a regulated nervous system in a divorce with intentional decisions. But I think we use labels to make really painful things sound easier than they actually are. And I think that's the problem. Because divorce is hard. No matter how nice you are, how respectful you are, how amicable you are, it is still you're ending your marriage. And in my situation, and those of you mostly listening to my podcast, it's because your spouse cheated on you, had an affair, was unfaithful, painful. Okay. Betrayal. So this that's why betrayal adds a whole other layer to all of this. And then we have this pressure to look okay. And we're trying to look okay for our kids and our community and our church and our neighbors and our family. And we're trying to be fine. And we really are just devastated inside. And that can be a problem, right? We're just pretending on the outward, and then we're inside we're just totally so sad and so broken. So I think labels in general, I don't love them, but why we do this, right? Labels, they help us feel in control. They help us signal to others that we're okay. We're just, we're just getting separated. We're getting divorced. It's fine. We don't want to avoid judgment. So we like to say we're getting an amicable divorce or we're just having irreconcilable differences. Like, what does that even mean? Right. I just I always think if I ever do get remarried and the person I'm dating is like, oh, there was just irreconcilable differences. Like, oh, we're gonna need a lot. We're gonna need a debrief about that, and I'm gonna need to know details because I don't believe that for one second, right? You just you just chose not to get along, right? And if that's true, like go to therapy, get help. Like, why would you end your marriage just because you can't argue well or something, right? To me, there needs to be a really serious thing to get divorced. I don't believe divorce is just because I don't know. I think in my opinion, I think divorce needs to be a serious reason. And one of those serious reasons is an affair. That's me. So, anyways, labels can also minimize the pain, right? Which I think happens often in divorce. It creates unrealistic expectations. Like, we're just gonna have an amical divorce, right? And then you're like, what? Like, I want to tell you to rip your head off, and I want to tell you to go jump off a cliff because I'm really hurt right now. I don't want to be friendly because I think amicable means friendly, and you're not my friend because you cheated on me and you lied to me for years. So it really keeps people from processing their actual emotions when we just say amicable. So, but really for me, what I know now in my divorce, the day I went and sat at the attorney's office for two hours and divided up all of our assets and my entire life of 26 years, I was just stuck and I was frozen. I was numb. I mean, yeah, I guess I was friendly. I agreed to go out to lunch with my spouse after that. As he drove there talking to his mistress, probably thrilled, like, oh my gosh, we can almost finally be together. That's what I imagine. And then he shows up to lunch with me and oh, don't mind me. I'll pay for lunch. I'm so nice. Look at me. Wasn't that so great, Jennifer? We just were so friendly during that divorce. It was so nice that you didn't yell or say anything mean to me then, you know. But no, it's because I was stuck, I was frozen. I didn't even know how to process. I didn't even process my divorce until probably the year following my divorce. Okay, sometimes people like to get separated first. And I'm just gonna say I never was separated from my spouse. I slept with him in my bed our entire marriage until maybe the last six weeks of our marriage. And most of those weeks and days were spent. I was traveling, I think I went to California. I did an intensive therapy thing. Uh, he went to our beach house in Texas. So we did a lot of traveling, but when we were at home, we had an apartment above our garage and he slept there. But not very few nights did he sleep there. And I didn't, our kids didn't find out until prom night. That was probably mid-April. And I remember my boys had gone to prom, and then I like I wanted them to come tell me about prom. And they came upstairs, and it was probably like who knows what time. It was probably before they went to after prom, like midnight, or maybe it was like 11:30, and then they were gonna go out again. And they're like, wait, where's dad? And I'm like, oh, he just was, he needed to go sleep in the apartment, which was very out of the ordinary for us. And I'm sure in that moment, I've never talked to my kids, but they probably thought, interesting, right? That seemed odd. That was off because he wasn't out of town. He was sleeping in the apartment. And they never asked me about it, but I think in that moment I knew, like, okay, they're starting to get a sense of something else is going on because mom's been going out of town a lot, and I didn't do that normally, and so has dad. So, anyways, but in-home separation. So this could be that well, let me go back to there's different types of separation. One of them I want to talk about is nesting. And nesting sounds great. It's where the kids all stay in the marital home, and then the parents either get their own separate apartments or they share an apartment and then they go back and forth, like a week on, week off. The idea of this sounds lovely. It sounds magical. It sounds like, oh, we're creating so much stability for our kids. And I I think we do. It keeps them in their home, it's the same routine, it's not immediate disruption. It can create space without getting completely divorced. You're still thinking about it. So there I think are pros to this, but the cons. It's emotionally very confusing for the kids. It delays reality. Okay, are we together? Are we not? I think boundaries get blurry because what I've experienced, especially those that are separating from an affair, it's like they're bringing their affair partner either into the marital home or into the apartment that they're sharing on the off days. And so then it still feels like betrayal. And it's still extremely painful. So the person, the betrayed partner is uh not able to actually experience calm or peace because they're getting constantly betrayed. And it feels like a betrayal to bring someone into their home, right? So it just I think can get messy, especially in betrayal. Now, if it's another reason you're getting divorced, it might could work, but I think betrayal is a hard one. It can prolong decision making. And I totally can see this. It's expensive because, you know, especially if you're paying for your house and then two separate apartments or even one separate apartment. That's an added expense. It can look peaceful on the outside, but internally it can keep everyone in limbo. And so I think this strategy, it feels good. I have a friend, they they're divorced and they're doing this in their first year of marriage. And they thought, oh, well, it's because we want to keep our kids in the same school. But I think after the first year, they're realizing absolutely not. We've got to sell the house and move. Our kids are gonna be fine. They're gonna figure it out. And I do agree with that because it's painful when you know your spouse is bringing their boyfriend or girlfriend to your house. It feels very violating. It feels very intrusive. There's no, it still kind of feels like you're married, but you're not. And so I just I don't know if this is the greatest technique. I'm sure some of you it's worked out great for. It's maybe something worth trying if you're considering it. It is complicated with kids. I get it. You know, divorce, we stay married because of our kids oftentimes. And so trying it, but just realize there are pros, but there also are also a lot of cons. Traditional separation, where you both move out. And usually it's like someone goes lives with the mom or the dad. Why do we always go live with the mom? But we go live with our parents, maybe if that's an option. Sometimes people, that's not an option. So you have to separate in the same house, right? But I think trial separation, when you're just living apart, you have to have clear boundaries. Because if there's an affair going on, my first reaction is like, oh, I'm just making it easier for them to cheat on me. That's not reconciling your marriage. So if that's what you're doing, it's like you might as well just get divorced. It could be helpful because you have a space to regulate your emotions. You get to get a little taste of what reality is gonna look like, and that might be helpful. A con is it's gonna be hard on the kids, logistics, schedules, custody, finances, loneliness, a lot of grief. I mean, it's like tearing the band-aid off very slowly. And so I don't know, but you get to decide. It's your life, your marriage, a trial separation, temporary, often with intention to decide. I mean, I don't know. I I never really had a true separation, so I can't I can't tell you from experience because the two times, the one time that I really got divorced, I it was like a six-week, there's maybe six weeks, and it barely it didn't ever feel like a separation, really. Just the fact he wasn't sleeping in my bed for a few nights. But the one in 2018, he basically moved out in with another woman. So, I mean, I guess I was separated from my spouse. He was living with his affair partner. So I just think it didn't give him any time or space to think like, do I really want to end my marriage? No, he wanted to end the marriage and move in with someone else. It wasn't, there was no gap. And I think the whole point of a separation is to decide that. So there wasn't any deciding on at least my spouse's part. But a pro can be you get more clarity, you opportunity to do your own work and healing. A con, often it's used to avoid making a decision. And just like me, like one partner's in, that was me, and my other partner was out. Or not my other partner, my partner, my former husband was out. And it does create false hope, right? Clarity doesn't come from time alone, it comes from how you use the time. So I was using the time to go to therapy, to heal, to figure out, to try to save my marriage. I was really focused on saving my marriage, and I did. Yay me! I saved it for like four more years. So my husband could have more affairs on me. That was really a great idea, but it's okay. I'm grateful because I learned a lot about myself and I grew a lot, and I now get to do what I love is help other people. So I'm gonna say it's a win. It just was a really hard way to get there. A therapeutic separation, if you've ever heard of that, I think this is probably the best one to do. It's a structured separation with a therapist or a coach guiding you. You have clear rules, you have goals, you have timelines. It's kind of like a 90-day intimacy fast. It's a separation, but you're connecting still all the time. You're doing check-ins, you're just doing it from two different living places, but you're it's very intentional. There's a plan. It's just not like, oh, just whenever we feel like it, right? You're focused on healing, it reduces chaos. A con could be, you know, if only one person wants to do it, it's not gonna work. And just knowing like it could still end in divorce. But of all the separation techniques I talked about, I think a therapeutic one would be the healthiest and the best one. But you get to decide. So going back to divorces, now I already talked about the amicable divorce. I think what people mean is we are choosing not to destroy each other, right? It's like we're just we're gonna be friendly, but just it's just so we, it's just a nice way to say divorce, I guess. I don't know. But it could just mean it's low conflict on the surface. And I would say my divorce was low conflict, but the internal conflict I felt was a lot. It was not low, it was high. One or both suppressing emotions. That was me for sure. Or two regulated adults doing their best. That was not. That's probably not most people. Most people are very dysregulated getting divorced. I'm sure there are people out there that have just literally, they don't, they're just friends, anyways, or I don't know, that just get divorced very happy. I I don't, I don't know. I haven't met them yet, but I'm sure they're out there. Supposedly, this is less damage for kids and less financial legal chaos, which I do agree. My divorce was very inexpensive and it was very evenly split. And I have friends, I have a friend, dear friend, seven years now. She's divorced in technically, she could get remarried, but her divorce has not been finalized. The financial divorce for seven years, going on seven years still. It's ridiculous. A con for saying I'm having an amicable divorce is you can just skip over grief and anger, and you feel like this pressure to be nice instead of honest. You can be kind and still heartbroken. And so I guess in this aspect, I feel like I was kind and I was heartbroken. And in a way, I kind of feel bad for my spouse because he just ended a 26-year marriage and then jumped into his new marriage with his mistress. And I think he had no time to process the divorce. And that's a him issue, but I think someday we have to process all these emotions or they always come out sideways. Emotions, everyone feels it, everyone will experience it differently, but it will happen. That's just how we're made. That's our biological chemistry. And so I don't know how that's going to happen for him, but it will because you just can't be in a long marriage and then just move on to your next marriage without any repercussions. Just not how we're wired. I've talked about this before because I did a whole podcast on conscious uncoupling. It was the thing Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin did, supposedly. And I read a book about it, and I thought this is how I'm going to divorce. This was what I was thinking my divorce was. It's very intentional and respectful. You focus on growth and co-parenting. It's very values-driven and prioritizes emotional responsibility. And, you know, in my phase of I didn't want a divorce, but I'm getting divorced, and this sounded like the best way to do it. But what I left out was actually how devastated I was going to feel, and how devastated I was, and how devastated my kids were. And so I realized, like, and of course, how quickly my spouse got remarried. I didn't understand that impact. And I thought, oh, he could come over for Sunday dinners. But I was like, no, this man lied and cheated and did all these things. I'm not letting him into my house. That feels very unsafe. So my fantasy version of my divorce was conscious and coupling. My reality was absolutely not. I have boundaries. I respect myself and I'm going to stick to those. And so it just didn't turn out that way. I think that was disappointing for my former spouse. He was like, wait, you changed the rules. I'm like, yeah, I did, because I got out of the fog I was in and realized I deserve to be treated so much better than what I had been being treated. And I don't need to accommodate you because that just didn't feel authentic to me. A con of conscious uncoupling is it can feel unrealistic for betrayal situations, which is exactly what I was experiencing. It requires high emotional maturity from both people. And I think my spouse would have said, well, I'm very highly emotional and I'm the one lacking. It was a me issue, but I realized absolutely not it was not. But betrayal, I think, had it not been betrayal, maybe. Right. But because of the betrayal, it just wasn't meant to be. It sounds beautiful and it's also not accessible to everyone, especially when there's lying and betrayal. So just remember that. Like, if you're like, oh, I want to be like Gwyneth Paltrow, I want to get divorced like that. Well, I don't know. And maybe I don't know if they had infidelity, is why they got divorced, but they also have millions and millions of dollars and their life, they're movie stars, right? They're used to having to see what they want us to see. So in most people's everyday life, this is a really hard one to do. The next one is a contested divorce where there's disagreements on custody and assets. I think unfortunately, this is this happens a lot. A lot of, a lot of contested divorces because people get angry and bitter. I am the one thing I am grateful about my divorce is it was not contested. It was very amicable. It was very simple. It was very, it was fairly easy. And that was a blessing to me. But I realize most of you are not experiencing that. And I'm so sorry. A pro that, you know, why divorces are contested is because it ensures fairness when needed, right? If the the wife is a stay-at-home mom and the husband doesn't want to give her any of the assets, you know, that it's very unfair, right? Or the mom wants to have 100% custody and the dad's like, wait, but they're my kids too. So of course there's reasons why that the fairness is important and protecting your rights as a parent. Cons are it's expensive, it's draining emotionally, it's really hard on the kids. So the more, of course, friendly we can be, the better. An uncontested divorce is just where both agree on terms. And so maybe that's what I had. I won't call it, I'm gonna call it an uncontested divorce. It was fast, cheap, and low conflict, right? And so, yeah, I I think I like that better. Is instead of amicable, it was just uncontested. And I would say a con is like a part one partner may be over-accommodating, right? Maybe out of guilt for having the affair. Or they like to avoid conflict and they just want to get it resolved and move on. The last one is irreconcilable differences, which in legal terms it means we cannot make this work. But I think what it really means, it's a polite way to say something's broken here and we're not choosing to rebuild it. So I think it's kind of the easy way out. That's why I don't like labeling all divorces irreconcilable, because I actually tried to reconcile my marriage hard, right? It's just that my partner didn't. And so, of course, we can't reconcile our marriage if both of us don't do it. So it was irreconcilable for him, but for me, it was just uncontested. So maybe we need to have two options on the divorce form to feel more fair because I think many people just are like, I don't even want to try. Let's just, let's just get the marriage. There are some people like that. Now, in most of my clients, religiously, spiritually, they really believe in marriage. And so getting divorced is a goes way against what they believe in, which is how I felt, right? I didn't want to get divorced. It felt very like, can't we just try harder? Can't we just do more? But sometimes the answer is no. And it's okay to get divorced, and divorce isn't the end of your life, it's just the end of that chapter with that person, and you can create a beautiful life after that, I promise. And last, I just want to know about kids. This is my thought about kids and divorce. Kids don't need perfect, they need consistency, they need emotional safety, they need honest, age-appropriate communication. They want their parents to tell them the truth. They don't want you to like just gloss it over. If they have questions, answer them honestly. What I think harms kids the most in an affair, or not in an affair, well, an affair and a divorce is the chronic conflict, the emotional instability, and being put in the middle. And so when you do get divorced, it's hard not to put your kids in the middle, but empower them. Help them see they don't have to also put you in the middle, right? I my kids are adults, so I can be like, you know what, why don't you text your dad and ask him that question? I don't want to be the intermediary between my kids and their dad, right? Obviously, if they're younger, I could be. But I think empowering them and then not blaming them or putting, like, oh, you're just like your dad or you're just like your mom, well, that's hurtful when especially when betrayal has happened. A peaceful divorce that avoids all emotion can be just as confusing as a chaotic one. So pay attention. Just because you just got divorced amicably, it's still confusing. Your kids still want answers. Your kids will still have questions, they still need to understand. Because just having their dad or mom just leave, and it's like, wait, what happened? And you hear this all the time. People are like, I don't know why my parents got divorced. I think it's important. Your kids know at least a little bit of the story because it's part of their story too, and that's important. So there's no perfect way to separate or divorce. I just wanted to give you some options, some thoughts, something for you to think about. There's only the way where you stay honest, regulated, and aligned with who you are and who you want to be. And if you don't know that, that's why having a coach could be so helpful for you as you navigate betrayal and if it's going to lead to divorce as you navigate divorce. Having someone that is neutral, help see if what you're thinking is off the rails or if you're in alignment with who you are. Figuring out that is so important and can be so helpful. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this podcast. If you liked it, please send it to your family and friends or leave me a review and have a beautiful day, and I'll talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you're in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That's Jen with one N, and take the free quiz. It's a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.