218: Ten Things Betrayed Spouses Wish Their Partner Understood

“Why can’t you just move on?” sounds simple, but after an affair it can land like a second betrayal. I break down what I wish an unfaithful spouse truly understood about betrayal trauma and why the discovery date is often the start of the pain for the betrayed partner, not the finish line. If you’re trying to repair a marriage after infidelity, co-parent through heartbreak, or simply make sense of what happened, these truths give language to what your nervous system has been screaming.

We walk through 10 specific realities: how trickle truth creates multiple “D-days,” why many betrayed spouses slip into detective mode to feel safe, and why the lies and gaslighting can hurt more than the affair itself. I also explain the difference between wanting perfection and needing accountability and how defensiveness shuts down healing fast. Along the way, we talk about the brutal spiral of questioning everything your memories, your future, even your own judgment and why rebuilding self-trust is just as important as rebuilding trust in a partner.

Then we get practical about triggers and the nervous system: why a song, a restaurant, or a phone notification can set off fight, flight, or freeze, and how triggers can be information instead of proof that you’re “failing.” We close with the misunderstanding that keeps so many people stuck: healing, forgiveness, and acceptance are not approval. Healing is for you, and peace is worth fighting for. If this resonates, subscribe, share this with someone who needs the words, and leave a review so more people can find support.

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Transcript

Welcome And A Place To Heal

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you're in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace. So you can create your happily even after one episode at a time.

Why I’m Naming What Hurts

SPEAKER_00 0:46

Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast. I'm so glad you're here. I have a really good topic today. I hope you like it. But I'm going to talk about what I wish my unfaithful spouse understood. And I'm hoping I'm speaking for each of you. Now, personally, I don't need my former unfaithful spouse to understand these things. But I know many of you who are in your marriage, fighting for your marriage, or just want to put a voice to what you wish they understood. I hope I'm putting a voice to that. And if I'm not, please email me and let me know what you wish they understood that I didn't mention. Because I have 10 things that I came up with that I think we want the person who had the affair to understand about what how we're feeling, what we're thinking. And it's sometimes hard to say it to our spouse. So you could send them this podcast and see what they think and maybe have a great conversation around it. So many betrayed spouses spend months or years trying to explain their pain. And I think, you know, it comes to a lot of like communication issues, right? A lot of people, it's hard. There's a lot of shame involved in betrayal, a lot of defensiveness. And so this conversation in a unhealed space is really hard to have. And I know many of you, you're not trying to punish. Some of you are trying to punish your spouse, but most, it's not about punishment. It's not because you want to stay stuck. It's not like, oh, that sounds really exciting. Let me stay stuck for the rest of my life. I know it's not because of that. But we really want our partner to understand how their betrayal impacted us. I don't think we need our spouse to agree with what we want them to understand. I just think we want them to hear, see us and hear us and know how we feel. And that is a skill. So just know if you don't have the skill, you can learn it. And if your spouse doesn't have the skill, they can learn it. We can all change. We all have that capability.

The Affair Starts On Discovery Day

SPEAKER_00 3:03

So let's get started on the 10 things betrayed spouses wish their partner knew. Number one, the affair didn't end when you ended it. This is seems logical, but oftentimes this totally happens when your spouse, I mean, sometimes they tell you, but generally you find an email, a text message, a photo, you discover the affair. And let's just say that they do end the relationship when it's discovered. It ends for them, but it starts for you. That's the moment that you discover everything. And so when the betrayer, they often think the affair is over. Why can't we move on? I mean, saying that is like, in my opinion, nails in the coffin. I mean, nails on the chalkboard. It is so irritating. Like, really, you want us just to move on after you exploded our entire life. Because as the betrayed person, the affair ended for your spouse, but it just started for you the day that you found out. The discovery date is often the beginning of the trauma, not the end. And I had someone I talked to yesterday, and he's like on D-day number nine. He went through, he's like, Yeah, I'm already on D-day number nine. So, any of you that, first of all, if you're the betrayer listening to this and the affair has come to light, you know about the affair, do not do trickle truth. Do not just let them have more D-days than one. That is so much more painful. It's like a bomb goes off in their life every moment. So just remember, just because you're like feel almost relief, like the affair was discovered. Okay, now it's out in the open. That's when betrayal trauma happens. And so that's the beginning, maybe the end of the affair for you, but the beginning now of a lot of a lot of work that needs to happen and a lot of healing. Number two, my brain isn't trying to punish you. Many betrayed spouses become detectives. I literally was a professional detective. I think the FBI, and I've said this before, needs to hire betrayed men and women, especially women. We're really good at it, right? We can really figure out how to connect their iPhone to your home computer. So you can like in real time watch the affair happen. I did that with one of my husband's affairs, my former husband. And so I was thought that was helping me. No, it was very painful. But we know how to check phones, checking locations. Now, some of this is necessary in the healing process, especially at the beginning. So I'm not saying it's not okay, but just accept your spouse is gonna need to check your phone. You need to give over your passwords, they're gonna want to track you for a moment. Now, if you have been dealing with this for years, you're not healing. You're choosing to stay stuck in this detective mode. Okay. You're gonna ask a lot of questions. The unfaithful spouse may see this as controlling. The betrayed spouse is thinking, I'm not trying to control you, I'm trying to feel safe. And this is a trauma response, not a character flaw. So just know our brain is going to need to process and ask questions. This is normal. And the more calm and less defensive you can be, the faster your spouse will be able to heal if you want to repair your marriage, okay, and reconcile it. Number three, every lie hurts more than the affair. And a lot of people, I've done a reel on this several times, and people are like, you know, don't agree with me, but it's so true. The actual act of the affair devastating the other lies that coincide with the affair, even more devastating. Many people will think that sex, the emotional connection, or the affair itself caused the deepest wound. But the deepest wound was caused by the gaslighting, the rewriting of reality, the feeling of I trusted what wasn't true. That is a whole other level. Of course, yes, knowing your spouse was having sex with someone else and then also having sex with you, devastating. But the fact that they were lying and living a double life, even more devastating.

Accountability And The Trust Freefall

SPEAKER_00 8:15

Number four, I don't need perfection, but I need accountability. I'm just gonna tell you if your spouse refuses to take accountability, it is going to be impossible to rebuild and reconnect with your spouse and rebuild a marriage. You could decide to stay married for whatever reason you want, but accountability has to happen. So, what most betrayed spouses want, they don't want excuses, they don't want to be blamed for your poor choices of having an affair. They don't want you to be defensive. They want, you're right, I hurt you. They want ownership that creates safety inside of them. Defensiveness destroys it immediately. And these are, I'm not saying this is easy, this is hard, right? But if you can get rid of your shame, you can do this. It is possible. You have to just know the right skills and right tools. You have to have support in order to walk this path. But you have to take accountability. You cannot blame your spouse. They didn't do anything to cause you to have an affair. You chose it for yourself for whatever reason you did. Number five, I question everything now. Yes, you do. Everything. Not because you're trying to be dramatic, because your foundation was cracked. Things that you probably never questioned before now feel very uncertain and our memories. This has a been a really challenge for me, but I've chosen to decide. My memories are my memories. Whatever my spouse was doing, I'm not gonna ruin my happy moments because of his bad choices. And so I've had to really heal in this area. But your memories, your whole entire marriage comes into question. Did he love me? Why did he even marry me? Or she loved me, why did they marry me? So many things come into question. Every word that you say is going to come into question. Your tone, how you said it, what did you really mean by that? Your judgment. You don't have good judgment, right? Or you wouldn't have done this. And so that's gonna come into question. Your future, right? We worry about our future. What is gonna happen to us? And for me, as a stay-at-home mom, my future I was terrified about. I hear I married this person that said they were gonna be honest and faithful, and they clearly were not. And my future was terrifying. And so this is normal. Okay, just expect it. Now we don't want to stay in this forever, but just know that this is this is what happens when you have an affair. Number six, I didn't just lose trust in you, I lost trust in myself. And I must say, this is the one of the most devastating things that happens after betrayal. And I think many people don't recognize how painful this is, but it really is extremely painful. We think as the betrayed partner, how did I not see it? What else am I missing? If I were wrong about this, what else am I wrong about? The healing isn't just rebuilding trust in a spouse, it's rebuilding trust in yourself. And I personally think it's even more important because the more you can trust yourself, the more you can know that you have your back at all times. And if your spouse has another affair, you know exactly what you will do and what you won't do. You have your back 100% because clearly your spouse didn't have your back at all. And so building that trust within you is just as important, if not more, as building the trust back with your spouse if you're choosing to stay.

Grief For The Old You

SPEAKER_00 12:37

Number seven, some days I miss who I was before I knew. This is very common. And I just think this is so heartbreaking because we have to mourn our innocence, our carefree life, the life that we felt safe in, the life that we had security and certainty, and we had this view of our spouse and who they were, has completely gone out the door. And we wish that we could go back in time. I wish we had a time machine too. If we had a time machine, most of us wouldn't marry our spouse that we were married to. Because if we knew what they were going to do, we would have opted out of that, right? Especially if we knew how it was going to make us feel. But we don't have a time machine. And so we have to accept our past, decide what we want in our present, and then create what we want in our future. And it's totally possible. So just know the affair changes more than the marriage, it changes the person who you are. I'm a different person. I personally like myself so much better than I did when I was married to my spouse. When I was married to my spouse, I was walking on eggshells all the time. And I was wondering: is he lying to me? Is he honest? He treated other people outside of our own family very different than he did in his inner circle. And that was confusing to me and hurtful and hard for me. And so for me, now I get to be exactly who I am. And he didn't like exactly who I was. He needed me to be a different version of myself all the time. And so I tried to become that version of me, right? I tried to do that for him, and it made me miserable and clearly him miserable, and our marriage was miserable, and we were all miserable. And so now I can just let go of all of that.

Triggers And The Nervous System

SPEAKER_00 14:41

Number eight, my triggers aren't a choice. Remember, triggers happen inside of your nervous system, and we don't often have, we don't have control over that. That's our fight, flight, or freeze response. And so if you can just remember that, like, oh, my wife or husband isn't intentionally trying to get triggered. If you've ever been triggered, you know it's never intentional. You don't want to choose to be triggered. But what I love about triggers is they're telling you, I have some more healing to do. And that's an inside job. But to recognize if you're listening to this and you did have an affair, to know, like triggers just happen. Maybe you go to a restaurant and just a memory pops in your brain and you get triggered. Don't blame them. Listen to them. Okay, what's going on? Hear the memory that they had and listen to it and give them love and compassion, not judgment. Maybe a song. You listen to a song, you're on a date, and something happens, a text notification, right? Phones can be very triggering, especially at first, especially if that's how you and nowadays I feel like all affairs happen through a phone, through some sort of social media, through text messaging, through email, through Spotify, through LinkedIn, believe it or not. I mean, so many ways people are having affairs. And so a phone can be very triggering. The body remembers what the mind wants to forget. Remember, the body keeps the score. So unless you've released those emotions out of your body, you're going to continue getting triggered. And triggers are often the nervous system trying to protect you. So look at them as a protection as well as information. I like to look at them as information. And like I said, you know, that I have some more healing to do. But I personally like to, you know, strengthen my nervous system. So I will purposely put myself in a situation where I may feel triggered. And I try to work on that to build more resilience inside of me. It's such a great thing to do because the more resilient you are, the stronger you are. And the more you can deal with triggers and be like, you know what, goes in one ear and out the other, and it's not that big of a deal. And because they feel like a bear or a snake is getting ready to attack you. But remember, it's just a thought, it's just a feeling, it's just a song. And just talk yourself out of whatever you're feeling. That you know it's your just body trying to protect you from something, a perceived danger. That in reality isn't dangerous. It's not gonna hurt you. Number

Healing Without Approving What Happened

SPEAKER_00 17:33

nine, healing doesn't mean I'm okay with what happened. And I have a lot of clients stuck in this one because I think they think if I let go of all of this, then my spouse will think it didn't matter. But that's not what this means, right? Forgiveness is not approval of the affair. Acceptance is not approval of the affair. It's a huge misconception. And I just want to remind you: just because you can forgive does not mean you think the affair is okay. Healing is not an approval that it's okay. Healing is for your sake, not for theirs. Now, if you're gonna stay married, healing's important, but healing is for you a hundred percent. The betrayed spouse can heal completely and still believe the affair was wrong. Absolutely a million percent. I would say I'm very healed, and I definitely do not support or think adultery is okay in any way. There's never a reason to have an affair. The last one, number 10, more than anything, you want peace. Of course you do. Many betrayed spouses begin wanting justice, answers, revenge, certainty, right? It's a whole thing. Last week I talked about a revenge. Revenge is huge, and I'm working on creating something to help people process the revenge out of their bodies, an experience that I think will be really helpful because so many people they think we need to have it's an eye for an eye, right? But eventually you have to realize like what you really want is peace. And it's so true. The price for peace, I don't think there is a price we can put on peace. And it's not because we think the affair was okay, but because carrying the pain forever is just too heavy.

The Sentence That Gives Pain Words

SPEAKER_00 19:43

In closing, if your spouse could hear one thing from you without interrupting, arguing or defending or fixing it, what would you want them to know? I want you to ask yourself this question and be really honest, right? You can write it down, you can say it out loud, or you can even just acknowledge it to yourself. Or if you're still married, you can talk to them, have a conversation about this. So I want you to think about this sentence. What I wish you understood is blank. And what would you put in that blank? What do you wish your partner understood? And you might have a lot of things. It's not just one thing, I'm guessing, right? I gave you 10 things, but what is the thing that you wish they would understand? And I think it would be just such a good exercise for you to do in your healing. I think for me, what I wish that my partner understood was the impact of his choices. Because I don't think, and many of you, I didn't necessarily say this, but many people that have affairs just think it affects the spouse, but no, it affects the kids, it affects your neighbors, it affects your friends, it affects your parents, it affects your siblings. The outreach of who betrayal affects is a lot more than your spouse, and it is devastating, completely devastating. And so that's one thing that I what I wish my former husband would understand. So just know sometimes healing begins when we finally give words to the pain that we are carrying. And if you listen to this podcast and you had an affair, this isn't to tell you how awful you are. This is just to help you because the more you can understand yourself, the more you can understand your partner, the more you can understand what your kids may be feeling, the better you can become. And healing is important for you just as much as it is for your spouse. And I hope you choose it. Thanks so much for listening. Have a beautiful day, and I will talk to you next week.

Free Betrayal Stage Quiz

SPEAKER_00 22:12

Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you're in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That's Jen with one N, and take the free quiz. It's a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.