217: Emotional Justice Vs. Emotional Peace after Betrayal

If you’re waiting on the perfect apology, full disclosure, or a moment where your ex finally “gets it,” you might be waiting a long time and paying for it with your peace. Today we get honest about a craving almost every betrayed spouse feels: emotional justice. We want the truth, accountability, consequences, and validation. And when we don’t get it, healing can feel impossible.

I break down why the legal system and divorce court can divide assets but can’t deliver emotional closure. More importantly, I share the alternative that actually restores your power: emotional peace. Peace isn’t approval, it isn’t forgetting, and it isn’t letting someone off the hook. It’s releasing your emotional dependence on their choices so you can breathe again and rebuild your identity, confidence, and future.

You’ll hear the four stages that move you from stuck to steady: seeking justice, exhaustion, reclaiming your power, and choosing peace. I also share two vivid healing analogies you won’t forget: the courtroom in your mind where the judge never shows up, and the backpack full of rocks you’ve been carrying for far too long. If you’re working on betrayal recovery, healing after infidelity, nervous system regulation, or boundaries after divorce, this one will meet you right where you are and point you forward.

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My website is www.lifecoachjen.com take the Free Quiz to find out how- How healed you are? 

Transcript

Welcome And The Core Promise

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you're in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace. So you can create your happily even after one episode at a time.

Emotional Justice Versus Emotional Peace

SPEAKER_00 0:46

Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast. I'm so glad you're here. Today I have another great podcast for you. We're going to talk about emotional justice versus emotional peace. And I got this from one of my clients because I talk a lot about, and I myself have, you know, it's like we want revenge. And sometimes, especially if you do get divorced, the justice system isn't set up to give us emotional justice, right? It's not fair emotionally. It's not an emotional court. It is a very business-oriented. We're just dividing our assets. So we're not dividing. I've had this much sadness and you've had this much sadness, right? It's not, it's not about emotions. It's not about the pain they caused. Um, most states, if not all, I think are no fault states. So we don't have to say, we don't have to give reason. Back in the day, you had to show proof, right? And so most people, I've already talked about, you know, different types of divorces, they're irreconcilable. But, you know, and I don't like that term, but that's how it's labeled in divorce court. And so we often are left not having some emotional justice. But I want to challenge you to, I'm gonna share the different types of emotional justice, or would you rather have emotional peace? And I'm curious what you're gonna come up with and what you think that you want. Okay. After betrayal, most of us believe what we need is justice. And that's totally normal. So if you're here, welcome. I'm glad I get it. I totally understand. We want the truth, we want accountability, we want consequences, we want validation. Our spouse to finally understand our pain. And I've talked about that before in a podcast. And while none of those things are wrong to want, there is a problem. Your healing becomes dependent on someone else's behavior. When your peace is tied to what another person does or doesn't do, you remain emotionally trapped. Okay. So, what is emotional justice? Emotional justice is the belief that I will finally feel better when they admit everything. Wouldn't that be nice? So nice. They answer all my questions. And if you're like me, you ask a question and then have 10 more questions around that one question. So questions can be unlimited, right? There's lots of questions. They apologize correctly. I mean, how many times have we told our spouse they didn't sound very sincere, right? And it probably wasn't, especially if it was layered in shame and especially if they weren't upset. I've had someone tell me, like, I didn't feel bad that I had an affair. It's painful. If you tell your wife or husband that, that's not gonna go well. Okay, everyone knows what they did. So it's like sometimes we think if everyone knew what they did, then they're gonna treat them like they're like a leper and not gonna talk to them again. Sadly, that's not true either. I think that sometimes. Like, why is their mom still talking to them? Doesn't she think this is terrible what they did? But we we can't get into everyone else's business, right? We wish that they suffer like you suffered, right? We think suffering should be equal and it's never gonna happen. They finally understand the damage they caused. The brain loves emotional justice because it feels fair. The problem with this is life rarely delivers justice in the way we want. Many betrayed spouses never get full disclosure, genuine remorse, accountability, or closure. Yet some still heal beautifully. And I am gonna testify to that because that is my experience. I never got a full disclosure, I never got genuine remorse, I never got someone that took accountability, 100% accountability, and I never got closure, and I have healed. So, why does this happen? Because they stopped pursuing justice as a source of healing. So for me, I got divorced and I had a spouse that was unwilling to do any of this. And so I had no other choice. I mean, I guess I could have chosen to stay stuck, but that option, I felt like I had been stuck for 26 years. So I was very motivated to heal. And I found coaching and I found tools to help me and I was able to do it and heal. And so don't judge yourself if you're not here yet. It's okay, but it's possible. I just want you to know it's possible. Now we heard about emotional justice. We're going to talk about emotional peace.

The Four Stages From Hurt To Peace

SPEAKER_00 6:08

Emotional peace sounds different. It says, I may never get everything I think I need from them, but I can still heal. Peace is not approval. Peace is not excusing what they did, peace is not forgetting what they did, and peace is releasing your emotional dependence on another person's choices. And I must say, if you can do this, it is very freeing. And it will change your life. So there's four stages. Okay. Stage one is seeking justice. This is where most people begin. Thoughts sound like they need to understand, they need to tell me why, they need to fix this. This stage is normal. This is gonna be at the beginning stage, and maybe even not the beginning. Maybe you're still stuck in this, maybe you're still in stage one. So just know this is normal where everyone starts. Now, stage two, the exhaustion. Eventually you realize they may never say it right, they may never fully understand, and they may never become the person you wish they were. So many people think that if their spouse would change, then they could feel better. But I want to challenge you on that. I want you to know if you change, if you heal, you will definitely feel better. They may never become the person you wish they were. You find yourself having the same arguments repeatedly, right? You're stuck. I call it the shame-blame trap. Is it your fault or my fault? Is it your fault or my fault? And is it my fault or your fault? So we get stuck in this trap, you feel stuck, you're exhausted, you feel powerless. And this usually is people's turning point. Now, however long, like me, I just have a personality that I can endure a lot, apparently. And so I think I was stuck in seeking justice. I don't know if I intentionally was seeking justice, but I was stuck. It took me a long time to get exhausted, is what I'm trying to say. Now, stage three, reclaiming your power. This is where your healing begins. And if you've been healing for a long time, that's okay. It's a process, it doesn't just happen overnight. We have to practice. So don't get discouraged. You're always on a healing journey if you're that's what you're wanting to do. You stop asking, what do they need to do? And start asking, what do I need to do? Instead of focusing on their healing or their accountability or their choices, you focus on your nervous system, your thoughts, your boundaries, and your future. This is where your power returns. So just think, what are you trying to get them to do instead of what are you wanting to do? What do you need to do? Take them out of the equation. Even if you're trying to rebuild your marriage, take them out of the equation for right now. Okay. You can still pay attention to what they may or may not be doing, but I just really focus on you. Okay, stage four. Choosing peace. Peace sounds like I don't need them to agree with my experience. I know what happened, I know my worth, but I trust myself that I can create a beautiful life either way. Okay. This is you have to choose it on purpose and start believing it. Notice that none of these require your spouse's participation. That's why peace is so powerful. They are internal. The difference between justice and peace is justice says they need to change so I can heal. Peace says I can heal whether they change or not. Justice says they owe me something. Peace says I won't allow their debt to keep me emotionally bankrupt. Justice says I need answers. So much more empowering. Can you feel it? Can you hear it? I hope so.

Reclaiming Power Through Internal Work

SPEAKER_00 10:54

So I really love analogies because I think analogies help us remember. So I'm going to share a few analogies I want you to think about. And one of these is something that I'm working on creating in my coaching business because I have a lot of clients that are stuck in revenge mode, and I want to help them get out. And so I'm going to create an experience, like your day in court experience, but the only people involved would be me and you if you were my client. And so let's think about this. So this is the courtroom analogy. After an affair, many of us become prosecutors in a courtroom that exists only in our minds. Every day we're gathering evidence. Another text message, another inconsistency, another lie, another reason we're right. We're building a case and waiting for the verdict. The problem with this is the judge never shows up. Or

The Courtroom In Your Mind

SPEAKER_00 11:58

worse, the person on trial refuses to participate. So we spend years preparing arguments, presenting evidence, and replaying the case over and over again in our mind. And have you done this? Because I definitely have. I used to have a file folder of all the evidence against my former husband. Now, pictures and text messages and emails that I had uncovered, right? And I eventually did get rid of these because I'm like, why am I keeping this? First of all, I was divorced. And in my mind, back in the day, I did think like, oh, this is going to help me in my divorce. No, it didn't matter. The judge doesn't want to see any of that. They just want to know, you have this much money, we're going to split it in half. And this is how much, you know, this is what car you're going to get or house or whatever. And so that is just in my mind, emotional baggage that you're just holding on to that's just going to hurt you more than help you. Peace will come in this analogy when you don't need a guilty verdict to know what happened. You already know they're guilty. You already know what they did. You already know the truth. At some point, you can leave the courtroom and go live your life. How many years have you spent trying to win a trial that was never going to give you peace? For me, decades, probably. And I'm sad about that, but I have lots of love and compassion for myself because I was doing it because that's what I thought would help me, right? It was keeping me safe.

The Backpack You Can Put Down

SPEAKER_00 13:40

I'm going to share one more analogy. And I use this a lot as well because I think it's such a great visual in healing from betrayal. And it's the backpack analogy. Okay. Imagine your spouse puts a backpack full of rocks on your shoulder. And I always think of the parent trap when the twin girls in their dad's girlfriend's backpack. I always think of this when I think of this analogy, but the rocks represent lies, betrayal, rejection, anger, unanswered questions. Okay. So imagine you had this backpack that your spouse gave you and it's full of rocks, and they're heavy rocks. At first, carrying it makes sense, right? You're hurt, you're grieving, but years later, many people are still carrying the backpack. Why are we doing this? Because we believe putting it down means what happened was okay. But putting it down doesn't excuse the person who handed it to you. It simply means you're tired of carrying something that is hurting you. Peace is not saying the rocks weren't heavy. Peace is saying I'm no longer willing to carry them. The goal isn't to prove how heavy the backpack is. The goal is to finally put it down. Anyways, I hope that you at least consider the possibility that you could find emotional peace. I know it's possible. It takes work, it takes skills, it takes practice, it takes tools, but it is something worth doing for your sake, for your ability to let go and move forward, right? You already hear stories. People are like, I bet you've never heard this betrayal story. And I just always think just because someone's story is different than ours, or we perceive that, wow, their story must have been a lot more challenging, right? We can't compare stories. Whatever your story was, whatever bricks were in your backpack, the reason you're carrying them is because you think that it's protecting you, but it's actually holding you back and it's preventing you from finding peace in your life. So I hope you think about this and I hope you consider what it would feel like to feel peace again. Anyways, thanks for listening to the podcast.

Share The Show And Take Quiz

SPEAKER_00 16:18

If you like this podcast, please share it with your family and friends, and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you're in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That's Jen with one N, and take the free quiz. It's a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.