Apostolic Mentoring

Miracles, Marriage, and Mastering Communication: A Journey of Faith and Growth

• Rev. Charles G. Robinette • Season 5 • Episode 3

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What if witnessing miracles could transform your understanding of faith and unity? Join us on a spiritually enriching journey as we recount the miraculous events of a recent crusade in El Salvador. The Holy Ghost touched the lives of 1,150 individuals, and the restoration of sight for 1,034 blind individuals brought awe and inspiration. Bishop Hermudez and the dedicated National Church team showcased their unwavering commitment, fostering a powerful sense of togetherness and divine intervention among believers from across 15 states, 19 cities, and two countries.

Marriage as a path to holiness might seem daunting, but what if it were a tool for spiritual growth and self-reflection? We explore how healthy conflict and love in relationships can lead us to a more Christ-like life. Drawing insights from Gary Thomas, we discuss how seeing our spouse as a mirror highlighting our weaknesses can be transformative. Through stories and thoughtful insights, we delve into the complexities of communication in marriage, especially when trauma is involved, and emphasize the importance of vulnerability, understanding, and the pursuit of sanctification.

Communication remains the cornerstone of successful marriages, but how can we master it amidst daily challenges? Discover practical tools like the "wish list" method for expressing needs assertively, and the daily check-in to strengthen your connection. With insights from the Dear Young Married Couples podcast, we explore how regular conversations can prevent misunderstandings and nurture a healthier relationship. As we wrap up, we express gratitude for our communal spirit, encouraging continued growth and engagement in personal and shared spiritual journeys. Join us next week as we continue to explore these transformative topics.

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Adam & Karissa King

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Speaker 1:

Thank you God, Thank you Jesus. Bless this session, Bless our translators today. God, In the name of Jesus, Hallelujah. Praise the name of the Lord. Well, praise the Lord everybody, and welcome to Apostolic Mentoring.

Speaker 2:

Well, praise the Lord everybody, and welcome to Apostolic.

Speaker 1:

Mentoring.

Speaker 2:

I greet you in the mighty name of Jesus from San Salvador, el Salvador, and we had a great crusade here this week. Actually, we got to be in all four regions of El Salvador.

Speaker 1:

And it was such an exciting time to be a part of the work of the Lord all across this region and I'm excited to bring you the report of the Lord, as always, the. Lord filled 1,150 with the Holy Ghost.

Speaker 2:

Wow.

Speaker 1:

We had 243 children get the Holy Ghost.

Speaker 2:

We had 243 children get the Holy Ghost. We had such a ridiculous cool amount of miracles and I just have to tell you one of them right now because it gave room for all the others.

Speaker 1:

Yes, one of the members, a brother of California rock, just destroyed his left eye and took his vision.

Speaker 2:

Il a eu un accident qui a touché la partie de son visage et ça a bloqué sa vision.

Speaker 1:

But one year ago the Lord told him he was going to heal him through the fire.

Speaker 2:

Et il y a un an, le Seigneur l'a dit qu'il allait le guérir à travers le feu.

Speaker 1:

And he said I didn't even know what that meant. And then last Sunday night, before they traveled to El Salvador, the Lord said before you leave El Salvador, you will have your vision restored.

Speaker 1:

So Wednesday, before the crusade we were up on the mountaintop in El Petal it's a mountain called El Petal and we began to pray as a team, in the spirit of the Lord. The fire of God fell on that mountain. Matter of fact, we had visitors on the mountain, people that were just there not with our group that came over in the midst of our prayer meeting and the Holy Ghost just fell on them on the mountain. But in the midst of that we laid our hands on Brother Monks and God miraculously opened his blind eye. So here's what's crazy. So every single crusade, in every region, we had Brother Monks share his testimony about God opening the blinded eyes. So we intentionally brought blind people to the altar in every crusade because of the faith that was built through that testimony.

Speaker 2:

Just get ready for this. It's going to blow your mind. We had 1,034 blind people receive their sight.

Speaker 1:

We had 516 people that had various mobility issues that God healed their arms, their legs, whatever. 337 deaf people received their hearing, 192 testimonies of people who had tumors that disappeared when we prayed. We had about 10,840 people that were in attendance in all four crusades four crusades.

Speaker 1:

We want to give honor to the National Church of El Salvador and Bishop Hermudez. What a great man of God and a great leadership team. We also want to give honor to the crusade team that was here boots on the ground in El Salvador. We had 42 team members. They were from 15 states, 19 cities and two countries cities and two countries. But wow, what a great time we had. It was the last crusade of the year.

Speaker 2:

I'm excited to go home and be done, but today is just an incredibly awesome day.

Speaker 1:

If y'all ain't a part of or subscribe to the Dear Young Married Couples podcast you're like Brother Yacoub, you just don't care.

Speaker 2:

That's a stab at our Arabic translator.

Speaker 1:

today Our Arabic translator decided to tell everybody on Apostolic Mentoring that his favorite podcast is Dairy Young Married Couples. What kind of a friend are you? That's not even a good friend. We love Brother Yaacoub. He's a great friend of mine, great man of God.

Speaker 2:

But we have.

Speaker 1:

Brother Adam, sister Carissa King with us today, and Sister Robinette already told me to behave and I'm not doing good at it. But unlike Yacoub, I didn't know about dear young married couples until August this year.

Speaker 2:

And in August my wife and I got connected to Dear Young Married Couples and we were like, wow, these people are amazing and we've been married. My wife and I, 30 years, just celebrated our 30-year anniversary. And we were getting ready to go on a cruise for our anniversary and Sister Robinette pulls out these help your marriage cards. Ridiculous.

Speaker 1:

I mean, come on, if it ain't broke, don't fix it right.

Speaker 2:

Isn't that the way to do everything? So she gets these cards out, and she got one group of cards which is called Sensation and I think one was called Realizations, and I found out they had another set of cards that she didn't bring and I'm gonna make you go figure that out yourself, because sister robinette's already texted me saying you better behave, pal.

Speaker 1:

But every day on our anniversary we would draw two cards out of this deck of cards each and we would have these amazing conversations and just amazing opportunities to explore and expand our relationship.

Speaker 2:

Chaque jour, lors de notre croisière, on a pu tirer deux cartes chacun et on a eu ces grandes discussions pour aller au-delà de notre relation.

Speaker 1:

Now I'm not going to lie to you, je ne vais pas vous mentir. The Realizations cards my wife loved them. La carte de la sensation ma épouse les a aimées. But the sensation cards boy, those, are a blessing Amen.

Speaker 2:

C'est la même chose pour la carte de la sensation.

Speaker 1:

And so, as a matter of fact, I have been carrying this card with me ever since I drew it in Turkey. This is my rainy day card, and I, just every once in a while, I need to pull this out, and you know whatever. And I, just every once in a while, I need to pull this out, and you know whatever.

Speaker 2:

But, oh my goodness, Brother and Sister King, ever since we got connected to your podcast and ever since we got, you know, started using these cool, really amazing cards, it just has been so awesome. And not that people don't have a great marriage already, not that you're not already best friends, like my wife and I.

Speaker 1:

I threw that in there because I might need help. At the end I needed to say we're best friends.

Speaker 2:

That was a setup for later.

Speaker 1:

But you know what?

Speaker 2:

My pastor used to say you know, as the family goes, so goes the church. And he'd say, but as the marriage goes, so goes the ministry. And here we are, all in the last days wanting to do great things for God, and we got our marriages on autopilot and we think everything's great because, man, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And yet there are so many more things that your marriage can be than just not broke. Why not just let it keep getting better?

Speaker 1:

Why not just keep falling deeper in love? Why not just keep exploring ways to build your relationship? And so today, every year, we try to have somebody on to talk to marriages on apostolic mentoring. But I got to tell everybody you got to get connected to this great dear young married couples podcast. Christmas is right upon you and there are these three. There's great resources on their website which I'm going to share in the chat, as I always do. But if you don't buy all three decks of these cards and give it to your spouse as a Christmas present, you are doing a disservice to yourself.

Speaker 2:

And if you don't buy these three cards to give them to your wife, you are not serving yourself.

Speaker 1:

Sister Robinette and I had so much fun with these decks of cards, she better be buying me the third set for Christmas. Mr Robinette, you better buy the third set that you didn't tell me they had. There's actually two more sets, Mr Robinette you've been holding out on me, so I want to just turn this over to Brother and Sister King. We love you. We haven't even got to meet face-to-face yet, but I look forward to the opportunity where we get to. Please, whatever you want to do today, do it, and I'll try to behave.

Speaker 3:

Hey, you know chaos is sometimes fun, so I think we just want to tell you thank you so much for trusting us and inviting us on your podcast. And I'm really excited about it.

Speaker 4:

Thank you so much. This is an honor to link arms with you, Brother Robinette, and your whole team.

Speaker 2:

Merci, Frère Robinette C'est un honneur de pouvoir avancer ensemble, avec vous et votre équipe.

Speaker 4:

I just love your spirit and your enthusiasm for the kingdom work and how you have managed to bring such an incredible group of people together.

Speaker 2:

J'aime votre enthousiasme et votre travail pour le royaume et comment vous avez réussi à maintenir ce groupe pour le travail, and I give honor to all the ministry and saints of God and missionaries that are listening today.

Speaker 3:

And my word, give honor to God too, just for just how amazing that crusade was. It was serious. So, so special. Well, we're going to talk about marriage and we're excited we could go in 15 different directions today, but sometimes if you try to take all those paths, you get nothing done. So we wanted to focus on communication and get really practical for all of you and kind of share some of our passion for marriage and give you some tools.

Speaker 4:

First, we want to begin with one of the most powerful commands that Jesus ever gave his followers, and that's in John 13, verse 35. He said by this, everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another. So the Greek word that Jesus used here for love is agape. And this love is not about emotion or attraction, but it's about selflessness and sacrifice and commitment.

Speaker 2:

It's a love that really mirrors the very heart of God.

Speaker 3:

And it's a great idea, but it's difficult for us as fallen human beings to accomplish. I think for us English speakers it's even more difficult because love only has a wide range of meanings. Like I could say I love my dog, I love coffee.

Speaker 3:

I love golfing and fishing and I love God and we all know that these are very kind of separate and different sorts of love. I guess thank God for Greek and how the Bible is written, there's a little bit more clarity in what we see in scriptures when we talk about love, in what we see in scriptures when we talk about love.

Speaker 2:

Il y a plus de clarté dans ce que vous voyez dans les écritures quand nous parlons de l'amour.

Speaker 3:

And it's really interesting seeing Christians because we see people in our practice with marriage counseling.

Speaker 2:

Et c'est intéressant de voir les critères, parce que nous voyons des gens dans notre groupe avec des conseillers de mariage.

Speaker 3:

That's what we do for a living. We see people that are struggling in their marriage, working through addiction or broken trust and sometimes just trying to get better at life. And we see Christians that love Jesus but are having a really hard time communicating to their wife in a meaningful way. So it's really easy to show up to church and lift your hands and say you know, jesus, I love you so much I'll do anything you tell me to do. You know, if you can use anybody, use me. But love kind of you know it gets practical when you go home and start to try to love your wife.

Speaker 2:

Mais l'amour devient pratique quand vous rentrez chez vous et que vous essayez d'aimer votre femme.

Speaker 3:

And what we see here in John 13, 35.

Speaker 2:

Ce que nous voyons ici dans John 13, 35.

Speaker 3:

Where it says that people are supposed to look at our love for each other and, to draw it down a little bit, people should be able to look at my marriage and discern that I am a disciple of Christ.

Speaker 2:

And discern that I am a disciple of Christ and I'm convinced that not everybody's marriage in the church could do that. Could be a billboard for Christ just by looking at their marriage. So there's practical ways of doing that. But we want to share some principles before we get into practicality, because really there's no better place to practice the God they love than in the marriage. One of our favorite authors who's gone on to be with the Lord, is named Tim Keller.

Speaker 2:

We wouldn't endorse all of his theology, but he has a lot of good things to say about marriage and one of his most popular books and most impacting books is called the Meaning of Marriage, and in this book he reminds us that marriage is not a contract but a covenant.

Speaker 4:

So you know, a contract says if I do my part, if you do your part, I'll do my part.

Speaker 2:

It's contractual, Whereas a covenant says I am committed to you no matter what.

Speaker 4:

It's really that agape love that you know in John 3, 16, god so loved the world.

Speaker 2:

That's a one-way kind of love.

Speaker 4:

Even when we don't love him back, he shows us that agape selfless love.

Speaker 2:

When God makes a covenant, it's not based on merit or performance.

Speaker 4:

And as Tim.

Speaker 2:

Keller says, to be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. But to be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is a lot like being loved by God. It really helps us get out of our pretense and our self-righteousness and it fortifies us for anything that life throws at us. And in marriage we're fully known the good, the bad, the ugly, and we're still called to love each other unconditionally. And this mirrors the gospel, where God sees our deepest flaws and he still loves us sacrificially.

Speaker 3:

Boy, doesn't that just sound so ideal, right. But all of us humans here that are on this Zoom call know that living out this sort of covenantal love is not easy, because sacrifice isn't easy, and we see that Jesus gave himself up for the church and he is teaching us through this of how we ought to love our wife. Ephesians chapter 5 says that husbands are supposed to love their wife, as Christ loved the church. So when your marriage gets hard or you don't see eye to eye, we're supposed to be giving and selfless and patient in a way that reflects God's love for us.

Speaker 3:

So it's the template, so we want to. We just kind of want to unpack that a little bit today.

Speaker 2:

So we just kind of want to unpack that a little bit today. We also just want to thank to our translators for translating for us here. It's not always easy breaking up your thoughts into bite-sized pieces.

Speaker 4:

And especially when you're going back and forth between two people.

Speaker 2:

So thank you. So, we want to talk a little bit about just how there's a cost to covenant love. Think about your last argument with your spouse, which, by the way, arguing conflict is healthy.

Speaker 4:

When we hear the occasional person who's like I've never argued with my wife.

Speaker 3:

We have heard this too.

Speaker 4:

We are disturbed by that.

Speaker 2:

Well, because argument really means a different perspective on life.

Speaker 3:

So if that person isn't expressing, we know that they're not contributing you know in a relationship isn't expressing.

Speaker 2:

we know that they're not contributing, parce que nous savons que si personne n'exprime pas ce qu'elle ressent, elle ne contribue pas.

Speaker 3:

You know, in a relationship there is always supposed to be mutuality.

Speaker 2:

Dans la relation, il y a toujours quelque chose de mutuel.

Speaker 3:

A giving and taking.

Speaker 2:

Le fait de donner et de prendre Reminds me of John, the disciple who Jesus loved. It could be actually, when you look into the Greek in that scripture, there.

Speaker 3:

You could actually read it out.

Speaker 2:

It says, the disciple whom Jesus loved, who loved him back. So selfless, one-sided love is wonderful, but it's beautiful when there's a mutuality, a loving back of someone. I think that's why John called himself the Beloved because he wanted to express that there was reciprocity there in his love that he had back toward Christ.

Speaker 4:

You guys know that most of the New Testament was spoken in Aramaic, even though we read it in the written language of Greek. We've been talking about agape. Love John 3.16 when it says God so loved the world, that's agape. Love John 3, 16,. When it says God so loved the world, that's agape written in the Greek, but in the Aramaic when it was spoken. That Aramaic word was chav. It means the same thing as agape. It's one way. It's unconditional love that goes from one source to another, like God to us. But the Aramaic word in John when he refers to himself as the beloved or the disciple whom Jesus loved, it's a different Aramaic word, it's Raham, and that means a reciprocated love, a love that goes both ways and so, just like Christ with us, it functions best when we have that reciprocal love but he will love us unconditionally even if we demand someone to love back in the way that we want it to be expressed.

Speaker 3:

But that's why we have, in sickness and in health, the vows to always be there. And it's frustrating when we feel like we're giving out or giving a lot of love and not receiving much back. And this is where we see marriages start to break down. Gary Thomas, who's one of our favorite writers on marriage, he asked this. He said what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?

Speaker 2:

And if we could start to see our marriage as a training ground for agape, I think a lot of Christians would be a better witness in the world. Because it's easy for me to smile and say I love you, brother in church, and paste on a smile. That's maybe not very genuine. But how do you love your spouse when you don't agree? Or maybe there's some distance.

Speaker 4:

How do we bring us back into reconciliation and have that reciprocity of love? I think that's truly why God created marriage. Marriage is a tool for sanctification At parenting as well. How many parents do we have out there? We have a five and a seven-year-old and boy. Parenting is a tool for sanctification and marriage also is a tool for our sanctification. It's where our selfishness is confronted, Our patience is tested and our capacity for forgiveness is stretched forgiveness is stretched.

Speaker 2:

It's a daily practice of dying to ourselves and living for someone else.

Speaker 4:

So in this way, marriage becomes a training ground for holiness. It's a space where we learn to embody the fruit of the Spirit, Everything that love is, everything that God is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, all the fruit of the Spirit, Especially those last two gentleness and self-control. As we practice these virtues and this fruit of the Spirit in our marriage, we become better equipped to reflect Christ in every area of our lives.

Speaker 3:

I think because we tend to deceive ourselves. I mean, jeremiah says the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Who could know it? But when your spouse is standing in front of you and saying, hey, you weren't very nice.

Speaker 3:

I wish you were a little bit more patient. I wish you put our needs, the family's, first instead of doing all the other things. Can we take influence from that person? Can we slow down and saving the world, maybe, and make sure that our family is safe? And so just, we want to challenge you to see your marriage not as just another thing we have to keep well.

Speaker 2:

Or it's not just a thing you should do.

Speaker 3:

But it's something we can really embrace as a tool for making us closer to Jesus closer to Jesus, because it really does shine a spotlight on our weaknesses. Gary Thomas. In another place in his book he said this the best wedding gift that God ever gave me was a full-length mirror called my spouse. So when we're asked to change something, we should be thankful that they would share that with us.

Speaker 2:

Because it's not just a spouse that is unapproachable or unpleasable, I should say, but maybe that spouse is moving us closer to holiness.

Speaker 3:

And helping us mold our image into a closer image that would reflect Jesus.

Speaker 2:

I think this is truly one of our weaknesses in the apostolic church one of our weaknesses in the Apostolic Church, that is, the lack of emphasis on a sanctified life. We praise God for the emphasis on regeneration and salvation.

Speaker 4:

I mean, that's incredible.

Speaker 2:

Thousands upon thousands can gather and receive the Holy Ghost in a week's worth of time in El Salvador.

Speaker 4:

It's absolutely incredible and we praise God for these supernatural events taking place, and God has called us to a continued life of sanctification and holiness.

Speaker 3:

Which sometimes is quite a miracle. When Adam can be selfless, it's just not as easy or not as recognized as a miracle. If I become more like Jesus, it's harder to recognize.

Speaker 4:

So if we could emphasize, at least in our own lives as leaders and ministers, if we could emphasize the holiness, the sanctification journey, and starting with our own marriage. How will people know that you're my disciples? By the love that you show one toward another. And if we could emphasize that in our own marriage, how much more of a work of God could we do in the field? How much more wholeness that's another word for holiness how much more wholeness could take place from the broken pieces that people come in to know the Lord with?

Speaker 2:

So let's jump into some tools of how this could actually play out in a marriage.

Speaker 3:

And, by the way, if you guys have questions for us, we would love to hear them, because we are used to working with people face to face.

Speaker 2:

Nous aimerions les entendre parce que nous avons l'habitude de travailler face à face. So our 9 to 5 working is with couples, helping them on the spot work through things you know, at 17 hours in the same on the radio, with the jump on the path on Caesar so that's where we're comfortable.

Speaker 3:

So if you have a question, type it in the chat, and we'd love to have brother Robinette read some to us and you see we have a question on the other side in the pool if the liquor that come on Terry.

Speaker 4:

One area of marriage that people often find most challenging when it comes to practically working on it is the area of communication. They know that communication is good to work on, but they don't know how to work on it.

Speaker 3:

And they probably heard the whole part about you ought to love your wife and show her grace and all these things.

Speaker 2:

But they're not quite sure what to do.

Speaker 4:

And in that same passage.

Speaker 2:

By the way, ladies, wives are called to respect their husbands. And I think there's a reason why Paul told the church at Ephesus husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands, Instead of just saying in general everybody love and respect your spouse. Because, ladies need to work on respect.

Speaker 4:

True, though he gave specific instructions to each spouse based on the area of need. What doesn't come as naturally to us?

Speaker 2:

He gives instructions to each one according to their needs, which doesn't come to us naturally.

Speaker 4:

Women are natural nurturers, and so it's easy to show love toward our husband. It's a lot harder to show respect, and so the tools that we want to share with you today will help you, ladies, show respect in the way that you communicate with your husband. And likewise for husbands to be able to show that they cherish their wives. That's what she needs most deeply from you.

Speaker 3:

And in the same way we want to show our spouses how to love their wives, because that's what they need the most.

Speaker 2:

So we have some tools that we think would be very helpful for you to apply. One of these we have been using for about 14 years and we've been married for almost 17 years.

Speaker 3:

So it would have been very helpful if someone would have shown us these things at the very beginning.

Speaker 2:

They always have been happy beginning, they always haven't been happy.

Speaker 3:

So the first is called the wish list.

Speaker 2:

We've discovered that people have a difficult time bringing up an issue.

Speaker 3:

And couples definitely have certain traits or ways of going about things. Now we're going to give some generalities, so it doesn't apply to everybody, but these are sort of what happens with men and women, so women tend to be maybe a little bit more critical around the marriage around the marriage.

Speaker 3:

And guys tend to be a little bit more defensive. Withdraw, right, or is this just me? So how do we help women be more gentle in their criticism so that men can actually take it in and receive it, Because some of those criticisms can be helpful?

Speaker 2:

Not all, because some of these criticisms can help.

Speaker 3:

Not all. And then how can men take in those things, though without defensiveness?

Speaker 2:

And that's what we want to teach. So would Brother and Sister Robinette like to jump on and we can counsel them on their marriage.

Speaker 3:

Here I'm just joking.

Speaker 4:

So if you guys have a pen and paper or a digital way of taking notes, go ahead and pull that out and we want you to write down this stem. That can be really helpful in sharing something that you wish your spouse would change.

Speaker 2:

Nous voulons que vous notiez cette chose, qui serait très utile pour aider dans le changement de l'époux ou l'épousin.

Speaker 4:

So here's the stem. It says I wish that blank and if that happened I would feel blank. So what this does for the person who's speaking is it really helps them to be assertive with? Their need without being aggressive with their need. To be assertive is not to be aggressive par rapport à leurs besoins.

Speaker 2:

To be assertive is not to be aggressive, D'être très déterminant ce n'est pas être agressif.

Speaker 4:

The research is very clear that marriages where both members of the marriage are assertive are the most successful.

Speaker 2:

La vérité est que les mariages qui ont le plus de communication et de communication sont ceux qui ont le plus de succès. I actually was just talking to somebody and that the marriages that have the most communication, and communication are the ones that have the most success. This weekend I talked to someone who challenged me and said isn't this just cultural Like? Does this cross the idea of assertiveness being good? Does this cross cultural boundaries? And the research shows that across the board, it does help to be assertive in your marriage.

Speaker 3:

I mean, we've taught these tools from Japan to Jordan and they help. On s'est mis ceux-là du Japon au Jordanie et ça a vraiment aidé.

Speaker 2:

So how you approach your spouse does matter. When you're asking for something to change, Votre manière d'approcher votre époux ou épouse va aider quand vous aurez la demande de quelque chose qui a besoin de changer.

Speaker 3:

So researchers found that they could predict the outcome of a conversation within the first three minutes of that conversation starting.

Speaker 2:

Les chercheurs ont découvert qu'ils peuvent voir quel sera le résultat de la conversation juste trois minutes après le début de cette conversation, minutes of that conversation starting. Everybody here knows that they don't argue for three minutes. I mean maybe if you're super sanctified. But generally we have to work out our disagreements and it takes some time. But how you go into that discussion absolutely matters for the outcome, because guys kind of their style is, hey, only come to me if it's really bad.

Speaker 3:

I'm just saying in general, right.

Speaker 2:

We avoid hard conversations like that. Generally we say stuff like ah, it's not worth it. Yeah, if it's not broken, don't fix it.

Speaker 3:

As you were saying earlier, and I think that's how we kind of look at it right, Like hey, we're kind of functioning.

Speaker 2:

Let's just leave it there.

Speaker 3:

But women are like no, this little thing could be a lot better and I need you to change it tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

But hey, and that sometimes feels like a big attack on us. So how do we slow it down and receive the influence?

Speaker 4:

So this could go either way. The husband or the wife could be speaking with their assertive wish, but when the speaker says I wish that, blank, and if that happened I would feel blank. The listener needs a way to respond to that. Now, brothers, your typical response is to want to fix it or avoid it altogether and just shut down.

Speaker 2:

Or avoid it altogether and just shut down. But, instead of fixing it, we have a different template to give you.

Speaker 4:

So here's that template. I hear you saying that you wish blank.

Speaker 2:

That you wish blank. And if that happened, you would feel blank.

Speaker 4:

And so what that does is, well, let's just do it. Okay, let's just do it.

Speaker 3:

Okay, normally we would have a couple come up on stage or jump on the chat and we would work with them so you could see how it works. But since that's difficult, we'll do it here.

Speaker 2:

All right.

Speaker 3:

And we never use fake wishes. All right, so you want to go ahead and go first?

Speaker 4:

I'm going to put me on the spot with the wish Okay, all right, babe, I wish that last night on our road trip back home from Thanksgiving, that when the kids were arguing quite a bit in the backseat, I wish that you would tag team with me in trying to handle their arguments.

Speaker 2:

And if that happened I would feel a lot more supported and connected in our parenting. So I'm going to reflect back to her what she said so she knows that I did hear and I was listening. So I'm hearing you say that on the way home yesterday the kids were being crazy.

Speaker 3:

And you wanted me to be a lot more engaged, rather than let you handle it, to support you in that. And now I'm going to give her the emotion and you said, if that happened, you'd feel more supported and more like a team in our parenting. That is the whole system, right there. Notice I'm not trying to fix it.

Speaker 2:

Voyez que je ne me laissez pas le réparer.

Speaker 3:

Yet.

Speaker 2:

Encore, pas encore.

Speaker 3:

But what we're doing is slowing it down enough so that we're clearly communicating what she wants and how I can help her solve that.

Speaker 2:

Mais ce que nous faisons, c'est que nous ralentissons la situation afin que je lui donne une position à parler, what she wants and how I can help her solve that.

Speaker 3:

She's giving me her expectations, really for next time. A lot of people live in frustration in their marriage. Frustration is the result of unmet or uncommunicated expectations. So this is why it's so important that we express hey, this is how I'm feeling and here's how I need you to help me with that.

Speaker 2:

And here's how I need you to help me with that. And it's crucial especially for women, but really for both for the person to feel heard, to feel seen and heard. So when you are speaking, when your spouse is speaking, it's really important that you show them you're attuned to what they're saying, and this template is a template not the only one, but a template that works.

Speaker 4:

Because the alternative is that I say babe, it was so frustrating to me that you were just leaving me out there alone to handle the kids last night on the drive home, and then the alternative to his response would be something like I was involved. Yeah, I was involved. What?

Speaker 3:

are you talking about?

Speaker 4:

And I think we should just let them just figure it out.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, they're crazy. They just need to like.

Speaker 4:

Right, so this Go ahead Sorry.

Speaker 2:

Translation Right. So this Go ahead. Sorry translation, and that's a pretty typical non-violent, non-escalated, pretty typical conflict for a lot of people.

Speaker 4:

But instead, if we use this language, the wish list language, now I'm painting a picture of what I would like to see happen.

Speaker 2:

It's much more positive in nature and it's I language instead of you language.

Speaker 4:

Which is a lot easier for anybody to receive.

Speaker 3:

So it slows it down. I think that's the most beneficial part. I'll often ask Chris. I'll say hey, babe, I have a wish for you. It's now a good time to share it with you.

Speaker 2:

Babe, I have a wish for you. It's now a good time to share it with you, so I don't have to hold in resentment or suppress feelings of frustration.

Speaker 3:

I'm immediately taking it to her and making it right. I just did this the other day with her and she did this with me last night. But the power of it is the language of it sends a flag of like. Now I'm stepping into some pre-ordered conversation.

Speaker 2:

Mais le pouvoir de cela, c'est que cela fait lever un drapeau, un signal, et qui mène dans une conversation pré-établie.

Speaker 3:

And the outcome is pretty reliable.

Speaker 2:

Et le résultat est vraiment fiable.

Speaker 3:

Should we do? Because, because, because, sure, okay, so this is a second tool that we use if it's a little bit of a deeper need.

Speaker 2:

Voici un autre outil que nous utilisons si le besoin est plus profond.

Speaker 3:

Yes, so this is called. You could write it down. It's called because, because, because and this is empathy, really. By the way, if you leaders, when you were talking to someone that came to you with a difficulty and you simply slowed it down and said so can I repeat this back to you to make sure I heard you correctly? It's a powerful tool just to help you give you a few moments of capturing your own feelings around the situation and, at the same time, validating them and helping them feel heard. I do this all the time when I'm working with people, because a lot of people expect themselves to have a response immediately, and not every situation is simple, so that's just kind of a side note. So because, because, because, here we go, this is a template for empathy.

Speaker 3:

So your wish makes sense. Because, make sense, because Now I have to think of a reason why this makes sense. You want me to be more active with the kids. Because, first, it causes you a lot of stress To have to deal with that load by yourself and it can feel very alone and overwhelming to have both of them going crazy at the same time and really it's not your responsibility on your own to keep them in check to keep them entertained. So it makes sense why you'd ask me that. So that's one. Because the first thing off the top of my mind Now I'm going to try to like. I normally ask people to pull from the next because from a, from like a value or her childhood.

Speaker 2:

So from what I know about you, you have a high value on being a team within the marriage and when that falls short and you see me just opting out, even if I disagree how you're handling it or whatever else. It doesn't communicate love to you or care.

Speaker 3:

And I'm going to do the last one. And the last one makes sense because Sorry.

Speaker 2:

So I'm going to do the last, because here and I'm going to pull from a fear of hers.

Speaker 3:

So that also makes sense, because what if this trend continues and I continually opt out of difficult situations with the kids? You don't want to be a single parent, and so to see me like just not participate is probably frustrating but also scary. So that's just a quick oh, let me, I'll close it up. This is how it works.

Speaker 2:

Voix off-screen.

Speaker 3:

Did I get that?

Speaker 4:

Yeah, you're pretty good at this. Yeah, no, it was spot on for sure, and any ladies listening could probably feel the care, the warmth, the genuine attunement.

Speaker 2:

C'était vraiment un point Et les dames qui entendent, on peut voir exactement que c'était vraiment plein d'émotions et d'amour et de soin.

Speaker 4:

And so we never give fake wishes whenever we're demonstrating a tool.

Speaker 2:

Nous ne donnons jamais de prétendus désirs quand nous faisons une démonstration d'un outil.

Speaker 4:

We wanted to give you a real-life situation, even though we didn't think of it ahead of time, but we wanted to give you a real-life situation so that you can relate to that. And for you it might not be parenting, maybe it's something related to finances or sex or in-laws, or roles and chores around the house.

Speaker 2:

Ça peut être pour vous autre chose que le fait d'être parent. Ça peut être les finances, ou le sexe, ou la belle famille, ou les choses qui se passent à la maison.

Speaker 4:

But you can still use the same language, the wish list language, the active listening language, and then the because, because, because, for empathy.

Speaker 3:

Notice too. I could do all of this. I don't have to agree with all of it either. This I don't have to agree with all of it either.

Speaker 2:

Je peux faire tout cela, mais je n'ai pas besoin d'être d'accord avec tout cela.

Speaker 3:

I was simply reflecting, maybe, what she was feeling or desiring.

Speaker 2:

Je ne faisais que refléter ou de dire ce qu'elle ressentait ou ce qu'elle désirait.

Speaker 3:

I spoke truth with love.

Speaker 2:

J'ai parlé. La vérité de l'amour.

Speaker 3:

How we figure this out later could definitely change.

Speaker 2:

How we figure this out later could definitely change.

Speaker 4:

We have lots of tools for conflict resolution.

Speaker 3:

Right. So what we have to do is we have to get together and talk about it and come up with a plan, but I come at this from a different angle than she does. But how she receives it and how she well, I'm sorry, but how she feels doesn't change, regardless of how I think it should have been.

Speaker 2:

So many men come back with like well, like I didn't do anything wrong. And it's not about right or wrong here.

Speaker 3:

We have different ways of doing things, but the reality is that she felt alone in that situation which isn't right. Does that? Hopefully that makes sense.

Speaker 2:

Does anybody have questions around these tools or how they're applied?

Speaker 3:

Passive, aggressive flirting.

Speaker 2:

Brother.

Speaker 4:

Robinette. That's great, that's a first.

Speaker 3:

I like that.

Speaker 4:

We're going to have to hear more about this from you. So, yeah, throw your questions into the chat. If you have questions about the tools specifically that we shared, or any other just marriage questions, it doesn't have to be related directly to what we talked about.

Speaker 2:

If you have the same question, please write it in the comments about what we talked about or anything else.

Speaker 1:

Brother and Sister King, I did get one question that I'll throw your way here. Okay, we have a question Somebody put in the chat. They said could Brother and Sister King address tools for a spouse that had great trauma and their spouse is struggling to understand the impact of the actions or words that in the moment, are triggering and causing things to rise up inside of them?

Speaker 4:

Yeah, it's a great question and it's one that we deal with on a daily basis working with couples.

Speaker 2:

It's a question we deal with every day when we talk to people, and a quarter of women have been sexually abused, and when you add physical abuse, it's well over half.

Speaker 4:

Et quand vous ajoutez l'abus physique, ça le dépasse la moitié. And so the reality is that when you are talking with your spouse, you're also talking to your spouse's past and their inner child. La réalité, c'est que quand vous parlez à votre époux-épouse.

Speaker 2:

Vous parlez aussi de leur passé, ou même de leur enfance en jeunesse.

Speaker 4:

And so that has to be something that you're constantly being open and vulnerable about with your spouse.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, this is a good question. It's a very difficult one to address generally difficult one to address generally.

Speaker 2:

When someone has trauma, though you do want to work on it. I've heard so many people say that time heals all wounds.

Speaker 3:

I disagree. Action over time heals wounds. I would say marriage is a beautiful place for wounds to heal. Relationship wounds to heal.

Speaker 2:

I've heard it said to heal relationship wounds to heal. Je dirais que le mariage est un bon endroit pour que les souffrances, les relations guérissent.

Speaker 3:

I've heard it said that wounds break in relationship or wounds are caused in relationship, but also in relationship, wounds are healed.

Speaker 2:

Et j'entends dire que les relations blessent les relations.

Speaker 3:

So, in other words, you don't go off into a cave in Nepal and heal from your trauma.

Speaker 2:

God gives you a spouse to help you see those things, but also, hopefully, create a safety, a place of safety to be vulnerable and open your heart to them too.

Speaker 3:

It takes vulnerability and courage.

Speaker 2:

So if that relationship is safe, like Adam said, this is better addressed in a full counseling session to talk about your specific concern or trauma, but I'll give you a little template that can start that conversation.

Speaker 4:

So here's that template when I hear blank, I make myself feel blank. I make myself feel blank Because in my past blank what that does is it pulls the walls down and helps your spouse realize that you are not placing blame on them.

Speaker 3:

And that's what, sadly, a lot of people hear, like, oh, I just caused my wife's trauma again. But what is actually taking place?

Speaker 2:

if there's any significant similarities between the trauma and the event or people and your spouse, those things start to trigger you to trigger you, and what happens is that if there is a relationship between the trauma and the events that you are going through, it revives things.

Speaker 4:

So starting the conversation with this language helps you own your own feelings and explain that you're pulling from your own history. And by starting this conversation.

Speaker 2:

It makes you express your feelings and shows you can withdraw from your experience, from your personal history.

Speaker 4:

And ideally, your spouse responds with that active listening and empathetic language. By the way, we do a live call similar to this once a month.

Speaker 2:

We do a live call similar to this once a month. It's called Monthly Live Date Night. It's on a Friday night at 5pm.

Speaker 4:

Pacific Once per month and we have couples from all over the world that join in, sometimes with small groups from churches, sometimes just couples joining from their home, and we address stuff just like this, where we share, share tools, we challenge each other, we pray for one another and we'd love to have you guys join us and we have like a workbook that goes with each one, like a PDF that you can pull up, print out and have these tools um stored so that you can continuously use them I would give a resource too.

Speaker 3:

Um, dan allender has written some amazing books on trauma.

Speaker 2:

He's a spirit-filled man and wrote a book called Healing the Wounded Heart. In that book he talks about sexual trauma that's happened and how to go about healing it, and I would say as someone who's worked with hundreds of people through this- Healing is absolutely possible and no situation I've seen is impossible for God to come in and heal.

Speaker 3:

I've heard someone say that that God will do what you can't do. I've heard someone say that that God will do what you can't do but he'll never do what you can do. God wants to hold your hand through it, not take it away from you, because often because of what it will make of you in that process of healing, because ultimately we're supposed to help people with our testimony. So thank you for that question. Super good question, sister.

Speaker 2:

King, there was a follow-up with our testimony.

Speaker 1:

So thank you for that question. Super good question. Thank you for that great question, sister King. There was a follow-up to that or something along the same lines that I just wanted to bring to you. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 2:

Question in the same genre that I want to give you.

Speaker 1:

They said what if you have a dismissive or avoidant spouse who you know has been trained to avoid to be graceful and they're afraid themselves to share their emotions? And how do you deal with that situation or get there to be some kind of a mutual listening, mutual responding, mutual respect?

Speaker 4:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

That's good. Having a counselor to help retrain the brain can be helpful, but I'm going to give you a tool that helps you train on a regular basis. This is called the daily check-in. The idea is that you use this on a daily basis, but more days than not is the goal.

Speaker 3:

We just did this last night. Sorry, sis, go ahead.

Speaker 2:

La question était et qu'en est-il si vous avez un époux qui a tendance à se retirer des choses, qui a été éduqué dans cela? I'm sorry, sis, Could you repeat what you answered?

Speaker 4:

Yes, yes. So this is a tool to help retrain your brain on a regular basis.

Speaker 2:

Donc nous avons un outil qui aide à réentraîner notre cerveau d'une manière régulière.

Speaker 4:

And so three questions to ask each other daily, Trois questions à se poser mutuellement chaque jour. The first question is what went well in our relationship today? La première question c'est qu'est-ce qui a bien fonctionné dans notre relation aujourd'hui? And we could go into the brain science here, but the point is, we're training our brain to look for the good and talk about it.

Speaker 2:

The second question is really it will help address what you just asked, Brother Robinette. And that is what didn't go so well in our relationship today.

Speaker 4:

If you ask this question on an almost daily basis, a spouse who has been trained in their childhood to not be assertive Will now have an opportunity on a regular basis to practice being assertive In a pretty neutral environment, because it's not in the middle of an argument. They're being asked hey, what could we do better? And you're keeping short receipts is what we call it Rather than having a long receipt print out of all the things that blow up over the last several months. Now you have a short receipt on an almost daily basis and then you answer that second question with the wish list language. Well, I wish that blank. If that happened, I would feel blank.

Speaker 3:

I would say too generally. The reason why people blow up in an argument is their receipt is way too long.

Speaker 2:

Je dirais que la raison pour laquelle les gens tendent à exploser pendant une discussion, c'est parce que leur liste de doléances est trop longue.

Speaker 3:

Like everyone here, knows how difficult solving one thing is in your marriage.

Speaker 2:

Tout le monde sait qu'il est difficile de résoudre une chose, même dans votre mariage.

Speaker 3:

But what happens when I like? So I need you to change this and this and this, and I don't know why you did that and this is horrible about you.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 3:

You start to defend yourself because you feel like your identity is attacked, rather than I'm asking you to change a situation or a behavior.

Speaker 2:

Vous vous sentez attaqué parce que vous sentez que votre identité est attaquée, plutôt que essayer de changer la situation.

Speaker 3:

So the wish list simply puts us into a mutual understanding and agreement, which is really helpful.

Speaker 4:

And then back to the third question in the daily check-in how can I be helpful to you today or tomorrow? So we do the daily check-in. At the end of the night we're brushing our teeth, getting ready for bed and we'll say, hey, babe, what went well in our relationship today. So the third question is often how can I be helpful to you tomorrow?

Speaker 2:

So the third question is often how can I be helpful to you tomorrow?

Speaker 4:

And if you guys are asking each other these three questions on an almost daily basis, you're training your brain to look for the good and to be assertive when something's not right.

Speaker 2:

So when you really need this tool in a triggered moment you will have already trained your brain on a regular basis to use this kind of language.

Speaker 1:

All right. So, Brother Robinette, any other questions? Actually, we do have. I've been getting text messages from pastors throughout this entire session asking me how they can schedule you for their local churches or utilize you in counseling some of the marriages within their congregations. Is there a best way that you would allow me to share live, or is there? What should I do here? Sure, yeah.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, you can go to dear young married couplecom. That's our website, dear young married couplecom. And then, um, if you want to shoot us an email, um, you can also do that. If you just want to connect, um, you know, from a pastor to a counselor, we often will have, if you refer clients, if you refer, you know, folks from your church, we'll have you. We'll have the couple fill out a form that just allows us to connect with you. Otherwise, it's, all you know, confidential and we can't share anything. Sometimes you don't want to be a part of it as a pastor, but sometimes you do. Sometimes you're like, hey, I want an update every few sessions on like how they're doing. So you can have the couple fill out a form that allows us to release information.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

So you could shoot us an email. Sorry, sis. And then also we have a resource for pastors. It's a free resource to the pastor, a paid resource to the couple. It's a premarital course called Prequipped and it's a seven-week course for premarital couples that walks them through the core areas in a relationship.

Speaker 1:

Is there a link to that on the?

Speaker 4:

website. It's on the website, yeah, and yeah, the pastors can go into that course and equip themselves and it's a free resource to the pastors can go into that course and equip themselves and it's a free resource to the pastors.

Speaker 3:

And it's actually us walking a couple through the course and demonstrating these tools to them as well. So it's pretty interesting, it's fun, but I mean, how many of us would have benefited from that in the first year of your marriage, man? It would have made everything so much easier.

Speaker 2:

It covers communication, conflict resolution, and in the first years of our marriage it made things so much easier.

Speaker 4:

It covers communication conflict resolution finances. Family of origin, sex and intimacy.

Speaker 2:

Sorry, In the marriage.

Speaker 4:

That's great.

Speaker 2:

So yes, connect with us over email or the website.

Speaker 1:

Well, when we first got married, we just moved right to Germany and I trapped Sister Robinette there and since we didn't have money for her to leave, she just had to love me.

Speaker 3:

That's a situation, isn't it?

Speaker 1:

How do you deal with a wife that only bought two sets of cards and didn't buy the two sets?

Speaker 2:

I would have really enjoyed.

Speaker 4:

You say I wish that, brother Robinette, we'll gift you the cards that you don't have. Okay, you'll be taken care of.

Speaker 1:

I'll send you my wish list there you go. Oh my goodness this has been been so, so amazing today and I'm telling you from youtube to my personal text messages that I've been receiving throughout this entire session.

Speaker 2:

So many people have been incredibly blessed by your ministry and we are getting ready to make some changes to apostolic mentoring in January. Just with different platforms we're going to utilize and a different way that we administrate the languages that we translate into weekly.

Speaker 1:

But this has been so edifying and so equipping.

Speaker 1:

Matter of fact, fact, last night, when we were having our close out crusade team debrief, which we always do at the end of every crusade, I was sharing with the team how amazing your ministry is and I put in our. We always have a WhatsApp group exclusive for that crusade team and I was sharing with them all these links to get connected with y'all. We had a slightly elderly lady on the team and she, when I put in there all this dear young married couple stuff, she just text back with this sad face. Really. But the team I was so enthusiastic about this session last night that everybody here you know they're listening as well. But your ministry is amazing.

Speaker 2:

I'm so enthusiastic about this session and your commitment that the whole team here is listening. It was a great session.

Speaker 1:

And such a gift from God to the world. I mean that because we don't talk about these things. It's always been taboo and we have missed so many opportunities to have great marriages so we could have great ministries.

Speaker 3:

Well, I just want to say thank you for all the work that you're doing. This is the body of Christ at work.

Speaker 1:

Well, thank you, brother King, that's so kind.

Speaker 4:

We're so grateful for you. Thank you so much for your ministry and thank you for the honor of coming to connect with all of you guys today.

Speaker 1:

Somebody just sent me a text message I just want to read it to you, and they said I cried from these answers and their ministry. Go ahead, sis, translate. Oh, I cried from these answers and their ministry. I'm so thankful this was organized today, so what an incredible time we've had with Brother and Sister King and, dear young married couples, please get connected with their podcast. Please get connected with their ministry. Go to the website, check out all these great resources. Please go get these cool. I put the link just now in the chat again to Amazon. Oh, my goodness, go buy these cards. They're so cool, they're so fun, they're really just. I mean such a equipping tool for your ministry or for your marriage, which is your ministry, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Be, fun too. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know I'm carrying my lucky sensation card we're gonna have to find out what that rainy day card is if I was to tell this online right now sister robin, it would be so upset she would say I wish that you had not shown that card on apostolic mentoring.

Speaker 1:

Well we don't want to cause issues in your marriage, brother. Hey, she just texted just now. She said don't you dare. She knows me, I'm like. All I need is somebody to poke the bear, baby, poke the bear and I will tell all. That's awesome. Oh, my goodness, this has been so fun what I was saying that I got distracted from with your great sensation card. We would love to have you again next year, but when Sister Robinette and I could have a just a cool conversation with you guys, with? We won't do translation on that day, we'll just do a straight up talk about marriage and have some fun. Maybe on that one I'll actually show my card that would be great.

Speaker 2:

Let's do it.

Speaker 1:

We love you. Oh my goodness. Thank you, brother and Sister King Again. Everybody get connected with this great ministry. Sister Robinette just typed, never in the chat. So apparently that's not Sister Robinette. That's not how they said to communicate no exclamation marks, no superlatives. That's right. You're not doing it right. You should say I wish that you had not shown that card. Live on apostate. I feel like this is going to come up tomorrow in our when I get home, when I, when I land at midnight. I'm not sure that it's this card that I'm going to be looking forward to yeah, don't assume.

Speaker 1:

Oh, she just. She just put in the chat. She said no in one hour.

Speaker 4:

So apparently we're having a conversation get it all taken care of so you can enjoy what you're going home to that's right, all right, hey, love you guys.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much. Do what you always do take yourselves off mute. Say goodbye to the Kings and we'll see you all next week at 1 pm Eastern time.

Speaker 2:

Yes, sir.

Speaker 3:

Goodbye. Thank you, sister and brother. God bless you all. Thank you to the Kings, god bless you and all the chances.

Speaker 1:

Thank you, Brother Robinette. Thank you.

Speaker 2:

Brother Love you all Good job.

Speaker 4:

Thank you, Brother Robinette.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Charles G. Robinette

Host
Head Shot

Adam & Karissa King

Guest