We hear you! Following a previous episode a listener and friend reached out and thought the conversation around being a people leaser, would be a great one to hear. THANK YOU for joining the conversation.
So, if you are a people pleaser, then this conversation is for you. Are you letting yourself down to avoid hurting another person's feelings? Are you uncomfortable with crucial conversations to set boundaries? Are you giving your power away?
Get familiar with what YOUR needs are. Ask yourself "What brings me joy?" Is this a pattern that is no longer serving me? Setting boundaries with yourself may be a great place to start!
Taking back your power, could be as simple as "No, thank you." And setting boundaries is important to your own self worth and over explaining yourself is unnecessary. We share more about the self-empower triangle, that you may find yourself in. Do you relate to being a rescuer?
When you continue to say YES without true authenticity to yourself . . . is your YES losing it's value? Do you have co-dependent relationship by serving others in an unhealthy way?
We share some tools that we hope you can use in your personal experiences.
Honor yourself, step out and empower yourself. Show yourself love, compassion and empathy in taking your own power back.
We hear you! Following a previous episode a listener and friend reached out and thought the conversation around being a people leaser, would be a great one to hear. THANK YOU for joining the conversation.
So, if you are a people pleaser, then this conversation is for you. Are you letting yourself down to avoid hurting another person's feelings? Are you uncomfortable with crucial conversations to set boundaries? Are you giving your power away?
Get familiar with what YOUR needs are. Ask yourself "What brings me joy?" Is this a pattern that is no longer serving me? Setting boundaries with yourself may be a great place to start!
Taking back your power, could be as simple as "No, thank you." And setting boundaries is important to your own self worth and over explaining yourself is unnecessary. We share more about the self-empower triangle, that you may find yourself in. Do you relate to being a rescuer?
When you continue to say YES without true authenticity to yourself . . . is your YES losing it's value? Do you have co-dependent relationship by serving others in an unhealthy way?
We share some tools that we hope you can use in your personal experiences.
Honor yourself, step out and empower yourself. Show yourself love, compassion and empathy in taking your own power back.
Hi there, we know that what is personal is universal. I am Amanda Loveland. And I am Jessica devenish. Welcome to the conversation. Hello, hello. Good morning. Afternoon. Get your time it is right. It is afternoon. Well dang it What happened? I lost some hours. And this week is actually I'm like What day is today? Thursday? Has it been like that for years, it just me this week definitely has been. It's been interesting to say, tiller the least. Time, time is relevant. It's always so fascinating, partly doing podcasts and not really knowing what we're talking about the next time and then something comes up of like, we're gonna talk about people pleasing today. Do you want to share a little bit more of where that came for you? Well, yeah, I had a listener reach out to me and mentioned that she loved I think it was episode four, maybe it was five anyway. And she had some great takeaways. And she said, One thing that's coming up for me is, I find myself that I'm a people pleaser. And I think that came from a childhood sexual abuse experience. And I find myself in this place of never saying no, and I would love to have the conversation about that. Yeah. And I think other people similarly had mentioned that so but the way she articulated It was like, Yes, that's what we're going to talk about next. Dun, dun, dun. So yes, when I love that she has enough awareness to say I feel like this is what the root of it is. And usually, most women have had sexual abuse in some form in their life. And nine times out of 10, they, we come with a limiting belief of why that happened to us. And for, for me, my belief that I've carried for years and years and years that I'm still clearing a little bit is that men take that it's always like I get taken from because there was that innocence of the child. So if I go into that vulnerability, that innocence, then I'll be taken so then I always have my walls up. For your friend, there's an aspect of having two people please, it would be interesting to understand a little bit more with that when I was with my relationship. And I was definitely a pleaser, a people pleaser with that relationship, because I didn't want to upset him because then I would get the wrath My husband has that people pleasing because he had an abusive upbringing. So not wanting to rattle feathers. So I love that she has that awareness. Well, and I think the statistics are one in four women are sexually abused, I would get higher than that. When I have clients come in I almost every single person has. The thing is, is sexual abuse can show up in the body from even emotional sexual, like being sexually accosted verbally, and not necessarily the actual physical because you're still having there's so many different ways that sexual abuse can show up in the body. Well, and I was I used the term date rape when I was younger, and I had a therapist say stop you sounds like you're making it not a big deal. It's it's rape, right? date rape. And maybe for me, I was just trying to like make not make not feel so violated. Yeah. But she's like, yeah, so you know, I think that one right to dumb it down, maybe. And there is that fine line where I don't want to be a victim of that experience. Right? So maybe some women, they do, I was I did have that experience, but they just brush it off. So there's a fine line between brushing it off. And dealing with it and brushing it off and not carrying it with you everywhere you go. On i i agree. And there's that place of Yes, you were a victim to this, but I'm not living from that place moving forward. I'm not being a victim now in my life in every circumstance that justifies my behavior, because this happened to me. So is there's that fine line between the two of owning that owning the story? Yes, I was a victim to this. And that's not i'm not using that as an excuse and a crutch of why I'm continuing to move, behave in my life a certain way. Well, and I think when the people pleaser, as I've been thinking about this episode, and what to share, you know, I would like to stay in the middle road, because you can go, you know, really simple people pleaser like Yeah, I just like to keep people happy. Or on the far spectrum of that to where, you know, there is some deep rooted narcissistic behavior. And I think if we stay, I mean, who knows where this conversation will go. But my thoughts were to stay in the middle road. Because I think a lot of people are people pleasers. And United Artists are people pleasers. No, I'm saying they're in a narcissist relation, okay. Because I'm a pleaser, which become, which is, you know, it's an abusive relationship, mentally, emotionally, potentially physically. So I'm saying for this conversation, my thoughts were to kind of stay in the middle road. Yeah, on a people pleaser like, so my friend for example, I know her well the one that reached out about this conversation, she is a people pleaser. So my thoughts were to share, I think being a people pleaser is not necessarily a negative thing. If it brings you joy, if there's an energy exchange, if I do something to make you happy, and makes me happy, then I'm pleasing you I'm a people pleaser. But it doesn't mean it's a negative thing. I think there's a difference of a definition, right? And this, this circumstance we're talking about. And again, I love that she identifies I think it's comes from this on my need to always overextend myself to people to make them happy, instead of making myself happy. What you're talking about is just that exchange of energy of Yeah, I wanted, Jessica brought me this gorgeous orchid today because it was like I I wanted to and you mean something? You know, I can't read what you said, Now that we're saying this. And I feel grateful for you. You know, I had a good friend yesterday, just out of the blue. I just, I just love you. I'm like, well, where did that come from? She's like, well, I just had this overwhelming feeling and I just wanted to share it. And it is that that's a different that's not the people pleasing that we're right. They feel good, right? There's no resentment there. Because there's no conditional love requirement, doing it because if I don't bring you an orchid to stay on gravity, like what the hell that then our relationship, you know, is it forward moving? Yeah. So I think there is being a people pleaser. There's a service aspect to it. And I think it can be a positive energy exchange. Yeah, it's when it becomes I do it because survival out of safety. I mean, it really it's a safety piece and a protection piece. If I don't, if I'm not a people pleaser, I won't be loved, I won't be accepted or there's a consequence, depending on the circumstance and the relationship. And that goes to those fundamental cores have been looking within if I'm a people pleaser, and I'm constantly feeling like I'm giving away my energy and I'm giving away my power. Why am I doing that? What's the limiting belief that you're holding? As far as why you're choosing to do that? will end do you ask yourself the question Do you have a codependent relationship with serving others and being a people pleaser? Yeah, right. Well get into say I for me and my experiences to safety, peace. Yeah, they feel safer doing that. And that is a codependent. There's, I mean, there's a few different levels with that. And oftentimes, we do naturally get into I wish people would we would talk and maybe we'll talk in another episode about that codependent relationships versus co creative, because it's not really taught much what the difference is between the two being entangled with someone and your mind person and your everything and I need to make you happy. And it's like, no, let's pull that away. Like, because you can see this entanglement happening. It's like, let's separate the two and go along together like simultaneously side by side and co creating, and not codependent that you're not sure what's mine, or what's yours anymore. Well, and it could just be if we're talking about people pleasing, it could just be as simple as learning how to say no. Oh, that. Speaking of this was such perfect timing. A good friend of mine happened to share this in her story yesterday, and I messaged her, I'm like, Oh my gosh, thank you because it was so perfect. So this is from Haley Paige McGee. She is a codependency recovery coach. That's what she is. So in order to break the people pleasing pattern, we must learn how to sit with discomfort, instead of reacting to it, including the discomfort of others being unhappy with us. the discomfort of letting others handle their own problems instead of rushing to fix them. the discomfort of having difficult conversations and setting tough boundaries. And the discomfort that comes when we realize other's happiness isn't our responsibility. But our own happiness is I'm like this is so beautiful. Yeah, right. Well, and learning to say no, doesn't have to be a forceful it can be a No thank you. Yeah, no, no. That doesn't work for me. And I find myself even sometimes, like if somebody asked me to do something, and maybe I just don't want to or maybe it just doesn't work out. Do. Okay, what do I tell them? Do? I say, Well, I can't do it because of this. Or what kind of storyline Do I need to share with them to let them know why I justify instead? It's just, oh, I really am not able to do that. Yeah, no, no, that doesn't work. That doesn't work for me. Uh huh. That is a powerful way to say no. And you you have power in that. And it doesn't have to be a harsh there's no explanation needed. It's just uh, oh, that doesn't work for me. I can't do that right now. But thank you. Yeah, maybe even another time or whatever. But yeah, that that was something that came up for me too. The other thing was boundaries. We talked about that. We talked about that before. I think when you're a people pleaser, just like that you feel like you need to give an excuse or a reason. If you are setting boundaries with somebody, let's say you are a people pleaser, and you need to have a crucial conversation with somebody because the relationship is leading you to compassion exhaustion, you need to get off of this cycle of pleasing this person because it's not a given taker. relationship. And so as setting a boundary with that person, I think it's a powerful tool to set boundaries without explanation. You don't have to give them you don't have to over explain why you're setting boundaries with them. Yeah, we're worried about how they're going to receive that information. You're setting boundaries for you. You're letting them know that's. So this is a moment where you step into a crucial conversation like that. Haley said, it's gonna be uncomfortable. That's okay. You're setting boundaries? And normally, I think in my experience, if I've ever had a crucial conversation with you, not, you know, yes, in general, the general you, I think it's interesting that their perspective is different, because maybe they're working on accepting receiving. Right? So if you asked me to do something, and I say yes. But I really didn't want to say yes, and now I'm now it's causing resentment. Maybe the other person is working on accepting a gift of somebody saying, yes. So if I say, I would really like to say yes, but I don't want to, it's like, thank you for telling me that. They're not even going to be upset with you, you're creating a story in your mind that you're, they're gonna be mad at you. And generally, they're like, oh, okay, no problem. Thank you. They appreciate the honesty, right? Because they genuinely the other person, if it's a really great give and take relationship, they don't want you to do something that you don't want to do. Right? By using your words, and just simply saying, No, thank you, that doesn't work. For me. I think more people, they make it a bigger deal than it needs to be because they don't want to let someone else down. So they're assuming how the other person is going to react. But if you come from a place of love, and compassion and empathy, and your true self, and you're just saying my intention is no, thank you, they can feel that energy doesn't lie. They know that. And there's no reason to assume that there's some storytelling happening, right. And I think you gain a huge amount of respect from people. Because that is standing in your power. And that's, and I think it's seen as that way, don't you? Yeah, and I think, um, I feel like to not unwind, but to backtrack this a little bit with I love all that. And if you are someone that finds that you are a people pleaser, like where, where to start, I would, I would say, getting really familiar with what your needs are. Because if you're a people pleaser, and have been so long, you're probably have no idea, you probably don't know what you like, really, decisions are probably challenging for you, because it's based on another person, you're constantly giving your power away. So I would recommend the first step be to sit down and go, what brings me joy, what makes me feel more like, my cup is full. And then make a list of those things and start practicing them. Because then now you're actually setting boundaries with yourself of, I'm gonna do this first, because boundaries with ourself is actually one of the biggest pieces to learn boundaries, for sure, right and holding true to my word of, I honor myself and who I am enough, I'm not wanting to create this pattern anymore in my life, because it's not, it doesn't feel good, it's not serving me any longer. So where are my boundaries that I'm going to hold to myself, okay, I'm not going to I'm going to actually start having an opinion. And I need an hour a day to whatever it is. And these are the boundaries, you start setting it for yourself. And then when something doesn't comes in, that doesn't meet that, you know, a, this isn't this is my boundary piece. And now I can communicate it from an authentic place. Because if you're a people pleaser, you don't know where your boundaries are. So you can't create boundaries with anyone else. So I love that you just shared that. But I feel like just a backtrack a little bit that if this is someone you know, we're talking to someone who has major people pleasing you, you need to understand where your edges are, where you're willing to go and where you're not willing to go. And, um, and then there's an attachment piece of what with what you're sharing, not worrying or assuming that someone else has an agenda outside of yours, or they're going to react a certain way. Going more from what feels good to you and an alignment with you and then letting go of whatever happens. Yeah, don't over explain. Why hadn't let it Yeah, I hadn't experienced I feel like I hold pretty good boundaries. But then sometimes I'm like, I've been in a little bit of I've had some things happen the last few weeks that have made when you have several things happen, pretty close together, that kind of force you to go what is happening here, because this isn't, this isn't my norm. And so I had to sit with that. And for me, there was a power of the word peace, you know, where am I? Where am I? When I say I'm gonna do something Am I really following through Am I really being authentic and, and having integrity and my word because I was seeing it showing up in my world reflected to me. And so I had to really sit with that but then the boundary and giving away too much power, like how many imbalance relationships Am I holding in my life and that are out of balance. And there was it was funny and it was completely unexpected. I was having some bigger pieces coming in that were somewhat somewhat Have a cycle. And then one that hit right in the middle of all of these that was like what the hell. And it was, it's with a friend of mine that we're, we're friends, but we're not like really big friends. But we're friends and her relationship with her has been important to me. So I've been trying to, hey, let's connect. She lives, you know, an hour away. So it takes a little bit more effort to work. We meet in the middle, and it was important to me. And I had tried. Oh, man over the last year, hey, let's we would set a date. at the last minute she'd Something came up. Second time set a date me reaching out making effort, set a date, something came up. So here's the third time we set a date. And each time I would check in with her. Hey, are you still good? Because we would set it out quite a ways. Six weeks, two months for you know, whatever. Hey, are you still great to meet? Yeah, I'm so excited. Blah, blah, blah. And right now I've explained this. I'm like, so in mom mode right now I feel like I've like over. Like when my kids need something, I kind of have to shift my schedule, right? Because they've just, it's summer and things are coming up and whatnot. So there was things that would have affected me being able to show up, but I made sure that I didn't do that, right. It's like, Nope, I can't do that. So I'm gonna find a ride for her to go. So that it doesn't affect this. I made a commitment I'm sticking with important to you, right. And it's important to me. I check in with her. Yep, yep. Yep. Guess what happens Sunday rolls around, we're supposed to connect with Monday, I've had these experience. And the irony is is Um, anyway, so she says, I'm so sorry. I had clients that are wanting to schedule tomorrow. So I need to cancel on you. And I was just like, are you bleeping kidding me? Because it was just again, on like the crux of some other things happening that I'm like, What the hell is this? So it was a boundary piece on a giving away power piece. And I was like, how do I want to communicate with this? And I was because there's those times that it's like, how honest do we get to be with our words? Because Am I saying this because I want to dig and I'm like trying to get some power back because I feel like I've overextended myself. And now and that's not really like, there's no respect for my time at all in any of that. And so I just sit with that for a minute, if some of the things I wanted to say. And I did communicate, look, I don't know if you recognize this, but I actually have a busy life too. But this was important, you know? Yeah. And I ended up saying, look, I want that nothing, I wish nothing but the best for you love you that added it up. But do you realize this is the third time you've done this. So you've now shown to me that my time or any type of friendship is not important to you. So this is unbalanced. So I wish you nothing but the best, you know, and she apologized. And that's fine. That's great that she apologized. But to me, actions always speak louder than words. And to me too, because what's challenging is when you start being able to see so many things, I can see that she's in an archetypal pattern right now. And she's actually in this prostituting herself out for her clients and bending over backwards for those things, because there's a belief of anyway, I could see all of that. And all I needed to do is just go, alright, let's cut this, and I wish you the best because I've tried not going to continue doing this. Anyway, that was a little bit of a long story. But no, but I think that is a perfect, it's, but I shouldn't have, you know, a little illustration. Yeah. of people pleasing. Not even just the boundary, like I'm communicating now that this is unbalanced. And I'm not willing to continue trying to make efforts with someone who doesn't want to met, you know, meet me. I value myself enough, right? Some people wouldn't say it, right. Just say it. Just be clear on your intention. And I had to sit there with Okay, can I am I attached to the outcome with this? And am I trying to Is there anything that I'm trying to gain? I mean, there's a power piece of claiming my Hey, you know, I've tried, and I'm not going to continue trying. Anyway. But yeah, I was I'm having some other imbalance with some people in my life right now. So it's just really interesting. I do feel like I'm, as a whole, a lot of us are asking us, a lot of us are asking to go deeper, and looking at our stuff, then we have so far, and I don't know how you're feeling about this. But I know personally, I have been and that's why someone you know, your friend that reached out her actually being able to say that communicate that to you and, you know, possibly looking at that deeper, there's some there's some deeper personal that I'm noticing in my communities and my clients and it's like, holy crap, this feels so much more personal in an interesting way than I've experienced. Yeah, I don't know if you're sensing the same. Oh, for sure. I think there's a collective energy about that, for sure. Everyone seems to be going deeper. Yeah, like digging deeper so that we can go higher which makes sense. Yeah, I do think a lot of times people pleasers you know, they come from a place of like self doubt or comparison. Right? Well, there's a love piece there that is lacking. Will you love me if I don't? You know, people please so then I don't love myself enough. I'm constantly giving away my power. Well, that's the conditional love. I mean, maybe that came from a sexual abuse it could came from a parent. Oh, yeah. Where they didn't. It was a conditional love. You know, some there's some cause, right? That happened that created that symptom of being a people pleaser. One being uncomfortable with the disharmony. You know, because you also often find that we have children. We have one that is the peacekeeper doesn't want disharmony. And it's just part of their nature. And that's fine. But it's is learning to like, okay, but I'm not gonna keep giving my power away all the time. You know? Well, I think we talked about the power of No, but what I learned at a very young age, which I found powerful, so I want to share it is if we're constantly saying yes, then our yes loses value. Yeah. So checking in, and making sure that it's coming from a place of feel good place for me is it's really a yes. For me. Is this the heart? Yeah. Or is it a yes. Because that's what I do. And I always say yes. I don't know how to say no. Yeah. You know, yeah. It really asking yourself, and so saying no. does give your Yes, value. Yeah. And I have learned that, especially as parents. Yeah. Well, in business, too, right. I mean, all the boards and the networking events, and there's just opportunities, right? So you have all these opportunities, and then you find yourself just saying yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes. And taking a deep breath, and I find myself going to that event, and it's not in alignment with who I am. Yeah. I said, Yes. And I made a commitment. And if, and I want to, I want to be that kind of person that follows through with what I say I'm going to do. And at what point is it really a no for me? Yeah. And just saying no, right? gives my yes value while then trusting I remember, my dad, always dad, there's this great car, and it's this opportunity doesn't, you know, are this opportunity to do that. And he's like, child's, there are always opportunities, and there will always be another opportunity. And that was so hard at a young you know, I was a young adult, yeah. To be like, no, but wait, if I if I don't do this, I'm gonna miss out. But that's how we're our society is kind of created the marketing that whole like, you know, get that emotional buy, you know, we're, we're somewhat marketed to and sold to in that way. Well, even in my business, I've been a people pleaser, I've created I've tried to put a square peg in a round hole to accommodate a client's needs. When really, that's not our core competency. And guess what happens? You overextend and then their satisfaction doesn't meet their level, they're not mine, because I really went outside the box. And I should have said, No, I would love to help you there. That's really not in my wheelhouse. And I have another recommendation for you. Or if I am going to take it on, I learned later on to say, you know, I really would love to do this for you. It isn't inside of my wheelhouse. But it's something I've been looking at adding. So if you're willing knowing that you're kind of like the first guinea pig, you're the first one. And it feels right. And it's Yes, then then that's fine. So I'm forward. But I did people pleasing comes from business and personal and your kids and all the things every relation we have a clothing business for God's sakes that you have customers all the time that you're supposed to people please and do everything and have the best customers always right. And that is not true. And I i was i did become really good with there were client work customers, we would fire and I was totally fine with doing that. Because there are certain people in this world that have nothing better to do than to bitch and complain and tell you how horrible everything is. And no matter what you do, they will never be happy. Yeah, I've had to fire a few clients over my time. Yeah, welcome to contact her anymore. You can't treat my staff that way. Yeah, treat any person that would ever regretted doing that. And so you're gonna need to do business somewhere else. Good luck. Yeah. Good luck with that. But I think that uncomfort pieces huge, regardless of if you're a people pleaser, or not. The uncomfort the discomfort every time we shift into something new, it will feel uncomfortable. So when you're healing through something, and you're asking to move forward in a different way, it's different than what your norm is. And so oftentimes will latch on to what is comfortable, because it's what's known versus what's uncomfortable and what we're saying we're wanting that uncomfort that discomfort is something that most of us will actually not lean into. And I feel like it was I don't know if it was a Joe dispenza but it was someone that did a quote that essentially said, we we won't move forward we what we would rather continue to hold on to the misery then joy and happiness because we know the misery it's comfortable to us. So there's that part of it. That doesn't want to let it go. So that's something that I think in any kind of healing any kind of spirituality, when you're wanting to improve and move forward and expand and grow and heal, you will go through phases of discomfort those spaces in between is what I like to call it. It's, it's the unknown, and the unknown feels uncomfortable. I was trying to find where you're talking, sharing a story about how there's a bird on he's on a branch and the branch breaks off. Yeah. And the bird holds on to the branch at the spot. Oh, yeah. It's a great illustration of what you're saying. He's holding on to the branch and he's falling. When he let go have the branch reply. He could fly? Yeah. So I think there is that, you know, it's what we know. And so we hold on, oh, it's, it's just part of our wiring. We're not, again, we're not taught as little kids to be comfortable with the uncomfort, or the discomfort. And actually, discomfort is a warning sign. Usually, if you're uncomfortable in a situation because, you know, an adult is doing you need, that's a warning sign. And that's true. So there's a little bit of difference with, okay, am I feeling uncomfortable, because some, there's an alarm bell here, or I'm feeling uncomfortable, because I don't know this place, and I don't know where to go. And that feels fearful. I'm learning now the more and more I'm moving through my journey and my process, those things that make me uncomfortable, I lean into more and more. It's like, that's my answer now of shit. Because it's gonna I'm gonna go deeper and going deeper. It's like, Okay, let's do this. We'll And usually, once you get on the other side of that, whether it's a conversation with someone or a boundary you're setting for yourself, man, you feel lighter. Yeah. And you're like, wow, that feels so much better. And generally, inherently, it's never as bad as you, right? Why did I think about that? Because that was so easy. And they took it so well. And it wasn't even that big of a deal. And I was creating this thing. And that's not even how I saw it. Right? They thought they were doing me a favor by me saying Yes, yeah. Oh, I thought that's what you want. And so they were people pleasing me. And really just by saying, I don't know if that fits or like, okay, no big deal. No big deal. Yeah. And then relationship finds a place of like, gratitude and respect in a way that maybe wouldn't have happened. Had you both forge forward? Yes. And there's not an energy exchange? You know, so I think it's important to sit before you say, yes, yes, you're doing it because you assume they're going to feel good. But is it also going to make you feel good, if the energy exchange is not clear, don't do that. I think it's so get resentful later to you'll be super resentful, you'll create something. And again, if you're creating patterns, and you have created patterns in your life with your loved ones, in the people that know you, when you start saying no, they will not react positively. Nine, I would nine times out of 10. It's kind of like what you shared with your Courtney. Yeah, when you went through that a boundaries and what you started doing differently. She did react differently, but it was not pleasant, it's not going to be pleasant, you're going to have to know that's going to be uncomfortable for a little bit. Well, I think this is where and maybe you should share more about the drama triangle because you seem to have I'm new to the drama triangle. But I think that this is where we step on the drama triangle as the hero, the rescuer, the rescuer, perpetrator, victim. And again, we always step on the triangle is drama triangle or the power of this or the triangle disempowerment. Because there's, there's usually something that we're giving away, but it because we're receiving, so people will step into the perpetrator, because they want to feel power, they want to feel powerful, because in other areas of their life, they don't feel power, or just internally, they don't feel powerful. So they need to create a situation to now go rescue someone so that they feel needed, worthwhile, whatever, whatever it is, people that are alone will create often situations to where they feel they need to be needed. The perpetrator creating issues, right, the rescuer Actually, I should say so pleat people pleasers are rescuers, they need to go rescue someone. So then again, they feel powerful, they feel needed, they feel wanted, they feel I mean, there's so many different, when we go through this exercise with the the triangle everyone is different with why they're choosing and to a different area on the triangle. And it's just something to be aware of, I mean, it happens all the time. And when we're aware of it, then we get to choose off. So by stepping on the triangle as the rescuer, now you're, you're giving them permission to be the victim. So I think it's powerful how you share if you get off the triangle, then you're giving them permission to do the same. And they will not always do that, Holly and I actually were just talking about this the other day that there are certain people that consciously are always creating the triangle. And when somebody steps off of it, it's like this vortex of energy for then an attraction for someone else has stepped in. And they'll they'll always be on the triangle and some people are conscious about it and some people are unconscious, and but it gives them permission to step off. It doesn't mean that they will choose that That's a thing. Everything in life is a choice. And either you want, you know, there's some people out there that say they want healing, they want to get better. But then are their actions actually meaning their words? So if they choose to sound the drama triangle, you're still choosing off. They choose another person to come. Yeah, and but you've exited. Right? So that still gives you power. Uh huh. Right, so they can choose to stay there. But you are choosing off. Yeah. Something else that I was thinking about was taking your power back when you do give someone that power of being a people pleaser. One thing that has worked so well for me, as I found myself in that scenario over the years, is unplugging them literally visualize, yeah, like a, like an outlet and a wall. In my second or third chakra, which is usually like, where that emotional piece where I let people plug in, I visualize unplugging their energy from my energy. Yeah, or cord cutting, there's some cord cutting that you can do to with all especially, let's say I'm a people pleaser. And I'm like, Alright, I'm ready to change this. But I'm worried that my, my husband, my children, I don't know how I'm going to do this, or if I'm going to, if all end up having permission to be able to do this with them. Because I've created an environment for however long. One of the things if it were me, I would cord cut, I would you can go to someone to do this, if you're if you don't, if it's uncomfortable, but all you do is sit in meditation or get into a place to where you're quiet, I'd Close your eyes. And I'd ask yourself, show me the chords connected to so and so. And trust your imagination, trust, whatever comes up. And then you can get a stone if you want. Or you can just use your hands or you can imagine having a light sword or anything that just comes to mind. And you cut it, you cut the cord. And when you cut the cord, you send back all the energy to that person, you imagine it all going back to them. And then you claim all of your power, your energy coming back into you. And I would do this with all your family, if you're in a circumstance where you've created this for so long, calling back in your energy, sending it back cutting all the cords. And what this does, especially as mothers, and really it's with any relationship, but I'm just going to use with mothers and children, we create an energetic holding for so long that it becomes what's known in when we create because we have our energy and we had these fibers, these energetic fibers that go and connect out to people all the time. We're reinforcing whatever that connection is with our child. And so sometimes we'll end up continuing that same pattern, that same behavior from when they were 10. And now they're 15. And you can't quite understand why we can't break this thing. It's like Well, let's cut the energetics. And now there's something new, it's similar to the drama triangle. I'm cutting that I'm stepping off, I'm cutting that energetic those patterns. So now something new is available to be to grow. It's a life death life cycle. Let's let that die. That's what was. And let's call in something new. And I don't know what the new is. But it's available now. Because I'm creating that intention. And I'm clearing the energetic so that it can it can be so right I was thinking as you were saying about being a mother, I think that we tend to be I speak for myself with people pleaser when I'm a mother and a simple shift would be to just switch that to reflective listening. So instead of fixing it for your child, ask them a question, how would you handle it? So that's it. That's a simple way to get off of the people pleaser, drama triangle with your children while you're actually teaching them really valuable skills. So my kids if even if they're sick, I've got a headache. Well, what do you feel like you need? What does your body need? and nine times out of 10, they know exactly what they need, okay, you do what you do need water or you need food, or I need ibuprofen, so great. How many ask your body? What does it need. And obviously, as a parent, if they're like, Well, my body says I need five, you're like, maybe let's start with one or two. And then we can see how you feel. But being able to teach your kids to be self reliant and self resourcing and using their intuition is a very, very powerful tool. I agree. The other thing that I do, so after I unplug. Another exercise that I do is I take a magnet and I put it I imagine this big sun like magnet above my head, and any energy that I may have given out throughout the day or throughout the week, in any way. I call it back. And now it's mine, because it's not serving someone else. Because they're having to unplug it from themselves, maybe because it's not serving them because it's my energy. So I just put this big magnet and I call back on the energy that I may have given out to anyone else that belongs to me. And then I take that magnet and I just put it down through my whole body and down into Mother Earth and bring that energy back so that I essentially become whole because all those pieces of me those fragments of me, they're not serving someone else's because it's in their energy field. And so unplugging is the first step. Doing the magnet and calling back my own energy is the second step. So I loved what you shared and it made me think of that because I think those are both yeah And again, it's that becoming really starting to become more and more familiar with our energetics with who we are with what our needs are. Where am I giving away my my power? Where Why am I feeling so tired all the time? Yesterday when hooked into me or plugged into me that straining Yeah, energy vampires are real. Oh, yeah. And the thing, the first indicator when you're with someone, do they this person, do they have a tendency to make you tired all the time. It's like, that's your first indicator. You're like, had all this energy. And then now you're like, holy shit, I'm drained. And it's like, that's an energy vampire. And all you need to do is actually be aware of it, and just continually sending back their energy. If they're really bad, you can create a little force field around you that's just that has I like to use that mere thing that just bounces. It's almost like it can't sit and pen and pen. I can't even say that word. You know, I'm trying to say penetrate a bubble. Yes, thank you, that it can't come in. Yeah, like I'm having this conversation with you, but your energy of whatever you're trying to get for me or even give it to me? Nope, this is my barrier. This is my boundary. That's not happening. Yesterday, I was at, um, it's a it's a beautiful, beautiful charity that two young women started that is for youth that have lost a loved one. And one of the women there that I've, she's a young, she helps with with this camp. And these kids, and we were a lot of them were drained, their energy was drained, because they're holding on the space for all these people. And one of the things that kept coming up is this desire or need or feel, or like wanting to rescue because these are kids. And the one of the young women that I was young girls that I was talking to yesterday is is beautiful. She's just amazing. And I've worked with her in the past, but it was really uncomfortable, uncomfortable for her to not rescue the certain family members actually, that were in this thing. Because of fear of within what will they choose? If I'm not in this role, then what will they choose to do? And this is that piece of that rescuer of who's to say that your way of how this should happen is better than what they would do themselves. And so there's an element of letting go of control. Yeah, with that of feeling like, um, you know, better than they do, it takes away their power from them owning and, and being able to make decisions of what they want to choose to do in their life. And I think it's something to be really conscious of that freeing up space, when you don't go into that role. It frees them up to be able to then move into whatever they feel like they need to do, which, at the end of the day, do we not want to keep teaching not only ourselves, but others around us, that you have all the answers that you can do these things that you're amazing and powerful, and, you know, whatever it is, right, that energy bubbles, a very important piece. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and being cognizant of your energy bubble, and recognizing when some energy is coming in. I don't, I don't like how that feels. The other thing I would offer with this too, is cycling your energy. A lot of people that are empathic will actually if the energy comes in the hold on to it, instead of moving it down and out through their body, I'm you can do this, imagine a turtle filled and a torrid looks like kind of like an hourglass or like a donut. And that goes and I like to cycle it. Um, it depends on the situation, but cycle it up and out from the earth up through my body up through the heavens and back down to the earth and backup. You can do it vice versa to everyone's just a little different. I think it depends on the circumstance. But just anything you can do, you can imagine a like there's a big portal that's right below you and you're just in a column of light. And it's just constantly similar to the sun thing. And you can imagine the yellow golden light just washing through you and as a waterfall actually moving through the energy and cleansing as it moves through into the cells and the tissues. But cycling your energy is really, really important. Well, and I think it's important to point out that a lot of people are becoming a people pleaser, because they've numbed out. They've just become numb, because it's just who they are. I think our unconscious you think numbed out or they're just unconscious or somewhat asleep? I guess that would be the same thing being Yeah, really, I think just ask yourself the question like if it's just part of your habit. I mean, it's important for people to realize that if this isn't the perfect science, right, especially if you're a people pleaser, and you're really on the far spectrum of things, I think if you are if you find yourself saying, you know, did I set the boundary, right? The answer is yes. Because that awareness piece is critical that you're now even recognizing you're not you're no longer numbed out. You're no longer just unconsciously doing it. You've your made no decision to be aware of it. And now you're asking yourself, you know, am I doing it right? The answer is yes. Because the awareness is there. Yeah, that's step one. And that is a huge win for you. Yeah. So I agree, you know, so I just learned that conscious awareness is like big behavior that I'm even asking myself this question, but I'm doing it right. Yeah. And I will continue to set boundaries that are clear, clean and clear for me, and that there's that energy exchange, because it can't just be that oh, I did it because it made them happy. Right? Did it make you happy, too, then? Yes. Is it fill balance? Yes, it fill in balance. And so if you get the inside, right, then the outside will fall into place. You know, I mean, Eckhart totally teaches that. And I love that. Because, yeah, just being aware of that piece, you know, you can't get it wrong from the outside if the insights right. So there's an I just post about this a few days ago, there's a shaman saying about being an irony, which is right relationship with self or right reciprocity with self. And there's a story that I think Alberto tells in one of his books that I haven't read, but I've just heard it through my different trainings. And I remember the first time I heard I just, I'm like, all this resonates deeply with me. And it's the idea that when we are in right relationship with ourself, then it reverberates out. And now everyone else can can do the same. And there's a story that is told about a village at the top of these mountains that was experiencing a drought, and they depended on their crops for life for survival. So they call on a shaman to come into the village. And when she comes, she asked to have a hut for herself. And she just goes into this, this hut, and she's there for three days. And when she comes out, it starts to rain. You know, they praise her, what did you do, and she said, your village was so out of irony that it took me three days to get back into it within myself. And once I did that, then it reverberates out. And now there's balance back in the land that was there. And I love that visualization. Because a it's always holding ourselves accountable for what we're choosing how we're choosing to show up in life, because everything is a reflection of our inner state, you know, our outer world is reflecting what we're holding. And the only thing we can do is ourselves, we can't do we can't really force someone else to behave a certain way. But we can change how we show up in the world, and then watch it reverberate out. So the people pleasing, if you're doing this all the time, then that is just you're going to constantly create scenarios and situations for that to show up for you in your life. Because you you are creating that. And getting to the core of why you're creating it healing and understanding what the gifts are that you need to understand and recognize, and is really important. Why did you choose into this? Why are you holding this limiting belief? What's it teaching you? I use these four questions all the time, and it was a good friend of mine that shared with me? What are you wanting instead? And how do you want to move forward in life so that you can let it go? When you're giving them permission? Yeah, to continually take from you. Yeah, and I think one of our mutual friends shared this on Facebook, nothing or no one has power over me as nationalists fill in the blank. Right? So saying that to yourself, again, nothing or no one has power over me. Nothing I should know when I did say that nothing or you said or it's and and no one has power over me especially and then you fill in the blank. Yeah. And that's something you can just do in a blanket statement. She was talking about that with people in particular with triggers. And as far as just an archetypal, if your sometimes it's energetics, sometimes it's whatever, nothing and no one has power over me. Like even just that. Christie taught me that, I think a year or so ago, and it is one I use a lot of time. The other thing, you know, as a as a people pleaser, or a great friend, like I'm a great friend and I I'm not gonna let my friend down. But do I let myself down all the time? heavens, yes. And I think that's just another aspect of being a people pleaser. Like you, if you tell someone you're gonna do something, whether it's your kids or your spouse, or your family or your friend, you're gonna follow through, right? But why is it with myself? I set some type of goal or some boundary? Oh, no, I can do that for myself later. But I would have never done that to a friend or family member. Yeah. So that in and of itself is another way to recognize if you're a people pleaser, because I let myself down all the time. In many ways, yeah. But never I would never. I essentially would treat my family member or friend better than I would myself. So I would my question to you would be this. If, if you stopped doing that, if you always showed up for yourself, you always held close to your boundaries and your goals. How would you feel like your outward world would reflect and shift? Oh, well, I'm a magnet for all those things. Right? So it would shift in a positive way. It'd be quite the same way. I mean, have you never done that as Oh no. Right. I have done that. I mean, I'm sitting with right now I'm about to go into a three month commitment of body stuff and really healing some, you know, our lovely body issues as women and which is a whole nother podcast. conversation is scaring the hell out of me. And my biggest thing is can I will I actually show up for myself for three months? I know I can do it for a month, why do it for three months? And that like, that's something that's like, Oh my gosh, my inner child is like, no, let's just where's my safety blanket? But if I said to you, Amanda, Will you hold me accountable for three months on this particular thing? You're gonna show up for me? 100%. But yeah, but and that's why I was asking you that question. Because I've been sitting with that reflection piece of a, I've been really being more conscious of when I say I will do something. So I have to make sure it's a firm Yes. Before I'll say yes. And when I say I will follow through no matter what, because of the things I've shared in the past, that whole bipolar thing, I would use my emotions, as escape as an out. And what's interesting about this is, if you talk about God, right, the elements know that they can, and my good friend, Michelle shared this with me, she's brilliant, might reference her a lot. But this one made me think quite a bit. God, that elements will listen to God because He always holds true to his word. It's not when you know what I said that, but now I'm really not feeling it. So I can't really show you know, I can't really show up and how many times do we do that? or other people do that in our life? I mean, my example of this, this person, you know, this friend that didn't show up because she had something else that was more important. And it you know, it's such an interesting thing. So then when we get to I've been sitting with, can I really hold myself accountable, because that's what it is. Go to this goal, because I've resisted goals my entire life, because they just set me up for disappointment, because I never quite hit them. And, and I'm sitting with and actually, as I've been journaling and reflecting with it, it's this really fascinating thing. And this is why I asked you the question of, I feel like being able to actually accomplish this, like my world will transform in ways that I know I can't even comprehend. Anyway, we're kind of a little bit on a tangent kind of, I mean, it's all correlates and all intertwines. Because being a people pleaser, like you're not getting, you're far more likely to let yourself down than someone else. Oh, yeah. And why is that? Okay? Why? It's not okay. No. And you're right, you know, how will that change those three things, it's going to change my energy on an outward, and it's going to teach my children and other people around me that I value who I am. And my word to myself? Yeah, they see that in your actions. You said that earlier. Actions speak louder than words, interactions with ourselves, right? If our kids see us, you know, exercising every day, or eating right, or choosing in things that are important to us. Like, I mean, there's Kelly and I are anniversary, 27 years next week. So we're going to Wyoming we're going to go to a little lodge on a lake house. And there's this. There's this time in the middle of our marriage where it was our anniversary, and although it was we'd go to dinner, it wasn't a big deal. Right? Because we had kids and all these other things. Actions speak louder than words, you're teaching your child something about your relationship with right spouse, right? So by choosing me by choosing us and saying, Hey, we're gonna go away for a couple days, doesn't have to be something extravagant. But you're putting attention into that. That in and of itself is such a powerful thing that you're teaching your kids today. Yeah, you talked about sending your kids to therapy, saving money member you're laughing about that. I through the course of time, when all that was going on, Courtney was struggling, and I was Should I get therapy for my other children. I had a really brilliant friends share with me one time. He said, You don't need to worry about sending your kids to therapy. You are the therapy. They're watching you. They're seeing how you handle this situation in this trauma. And that is the best therapy they can ever receive. Which I thought was great advice. Yeah, I think it depends on the circumstance, like, Oh, for sure. Right. But they didn't want to go to therapy. But I didn't go like they should go to therapy. And he was like, hold up who says they should? Yeah. Yeah, that's a tricky, you know, and so watching how we, anyway, that was a powerful, I do believe in therapy, but for that situation. Yeah, I needed to hear that, because that has really rang true for me. Yeah, in my kids, handled struggles or traumatic situations that they've seen me encounter. Yeah, you know, and worrying about how how do they need therapy? Well, that's for them to choose if they don't want to choose in um, I learned a long time ago, I couldn't force that. I feel like we should for sure do a podcast around conscious relationships and conscious parenting site down. For sure, because I'm a much different parent now. In this realm that I'm in versus when I was Mormon. And I like that I have those two different things to compare to, and my relationship with my kids right now would not be what it is if I was still Mormon. Now, who knows? And I've learned never to say never. I've learned that some hard ways. But yeah, that I think will be that'd be interesting to really Have a conversation about I would love that. Well, why you mentioned leaving Mormonism, I think you should share about your new podcast because I'm so excited for you. And I think you should tell our listeners, I love how you're such a supportive friend. And like, I love to see people win. And I love to see people like if you have a vision, and then that vision is coming to live like that lights me up. To see someone else later on. Thank you. This the so a few years ago, I had gotten a download, like this inspiration, I call it download for a book, leaving religion and those that we leave behind. And I was sitting with whether or not I wanted to write this because I did not want to write this from a place of bashing. Obviously, this would be Mormon, religion, bashing or attacking. And that's what this book was, it was not about that. And it was more about and as I'm writing it now, it's about helping people transition out of religion and going through the grieving stages, without holding on to the anger. And there's an anger stage. Anyway, I ended up having to go through some processing. Back then I was a whole patriarchal piece that I had to go through some anger came up big time. And and as we started doing this podcast, it's funny as you start kind of creating something new. Anyway, I got the download again, it's like, oh, it's time to write this book. And I had shared it with a few of our friends. And actually, our good friend Mel, after she listened our first podcast, she's like, you have to do a podcast around the book, and with the same title, and says, like, and it was that was like a full, I don't get very many full body yeses like that. And that was like a whole holy crap. And like, all the feels, and it was like, Yeah, actually, I shouldn't. And so that launch, it launches in July. And it is interviewing the most the first episode will be my story. But then it's interviewing people and their different experiences with and why they left religion, what their transition story was with leaving it and how what they gained, like, what are the tools that help them assist, because most people that leave, and they lose family, they lose community, they there's a lot of things that they lose. And then there's that perspective of the people that we leave behind. So I'm hopeful that I'll have some of those people on the podcast as well, but also helping people have a different perspective with and see I could talk, I'm not going to keep going. But yes, thank you for bringing it up. I appreciate you. This is launching next month. I'm really excited about it. I'm also writing a course that will go along a 13 week course that's going along with this and the book that we'll see when that actually gets published. But I just love it. I mean, if if our belief is what is personal is universal, and our stories Connect, right, then our stories connect in Yeah, in all aspects. And I think that you sharing some of your stories has resonated with a few of our listeners. And I just love I'm just excited, because I have lots of friends who've left religion, and I love what you're saying about not making it being a bashing? Because I do have a lot of friends that are is anger. They're not betrayed. Yeah, they're, they're an ex member with us. Why is that a thing? Yeah. You know, you're just going into something different. Anyway, some of it they actually communicated that. Yeah, but but what's the word? gravitating to that title? Right or holding on to that title? Yeah, cuz I found myself. I share that. Because, I mean, I was raised in Utah County 95, prominently, LDS. Yeah, right. I found myself referring to myself as a non member. Yeah, for a period of time. That's how people recognize me. And I quickly said that that's, why am I even doing I don't even want to be that that's not even who I am. That's more of who I am not than who I am. Right. And so I share that because I love the idea of not being a bashing or, you know, being an ex. I know, you get excommunicated. I understand all that. But I didn't know if you knew it, actually. But it but it's like attaching to that. No, I agree. It's a title. And it is being an ex of anything. I mean, it kind of has a negative connotation. So is that really something you want to hold on to? If you do, and that gives you grace, then hold on to that? Yeah. But if it doesn't, then I encourage you to question yeah, just like I did, you know, oh, I'm, I'm the non member friend. Wait, wait a minute. Why am I saying, am I saying that? Yeah. And I think that just happened naturally, because that's how they refer to me. For whatever crazy reason. So is there a way of identifying because you were one of the few? Oh, yeah, I'm like the token. I have a girlfriend at one time. She's like, oh, you're one of my best friends. I'm like that he's in her. You only say that because you need culture in your life. You need a non member friend to show that you're cultured and yeah. I love her that that title is, you know, well received between the two of us. Yeah, that's so cute. So anyway, I'm so excited for your podcast, and I appreciate seeing you succeed. I think that there's such a need for what you're doing. And I think that just like I shared when Courtney attempted suicide and being that place of loneliness and feeling so alone, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I think it's similar when you leave You know, the title of your podcast is just fabulous to leaving religion and those really behind. So yeah, that'll start next month. So thank you for bringing that up. I appreciate it. You had a quote you wanted to read right, I did want to read this quote, it's a Michael singer, quote, we refer to him often, it's a little longer, but I just feel like it's just, it's coming up for me to share. You have a wellspring of beautiful energy inside of you. When you are open, you fill it when you are closed, you don't, this flow of energy comes from the depth of your being. It's been called by many names in ancient Chinese medicine, it's called ci in yoga, it's called Schottky in western is called spirit, call it anything you want. All the great spiritual traditions talk about your spiritual energy, they just give it different names. That spiritual energy is what you're experiencing, when love rushes up into your heart. That is what you're experiencing when you're enthused by something, and all this high energy comes up inside of you, you should know about this energy because it's yours. It's your birthright, and it's unlimited. You can call upon it anytime you want. It has nothing to do with age, some 80 year old people have the energy of enthusiasm of a child, they can work long hours for seven days a week, it's just energy, energy doesn't get old, it doesn't get tired, and it doesn't need food. What it needs is openness, and receptivity, this energy is equally available to everybody. The sun does not shine differently on different people, if you're good It shines on you, if you did something bad, it still shines on you. It's the same with the inner energy. The only difference is that with the inner energy, you have the ability to close up inside and block it. When you close, the energy stops flowing. When you open all the energy rushes up inside of you, Michael singer, love that. I just felt like it was a good thing to share. As we were having the conversation about people losing, I think that's beautiful. I think it's beautiful one and as you're reading that, I think with any of us, we've created natural blocks or resistance to different things. And it's like if everything's energy, and we're, we're actually doing ourselves a disservice by not allowing that to come in. Anyway, and I think it's stunning. If anybody knows what the zero point field is now in science are showing that zero point, energy does not it truly does not stop moving. It doesn't. It keeps moving. And it's always moving and at the tiniest, tiniest, tiniest, tiniest particles. At zero point. It's still moving. So it's it's fascinating to have the energetics of what we're talking about. But then science always is match is starting to match that more and more. That's just proving Yep. This doesn't stop energy doesn't lie. It's always existing, it's always present. And how are we utilizing it within ourselves? Because it's fully accessible for us every single day? No, I, I agree. I just thought that little quote was perfect. And it goes along with nothing, and no one has power over me. Because if you go right, we're and you're right, you're right. I did say it wrong. So nothing. And I'm glad you I'm thinking of titles, you know, when you do titles you're like, if you do and you have to have both of those of you do or so I just had to clarify. So anyway, awesome. Wow, that kind of was a good way to wrap it, wrap it up with that little quote. So thank you for letting me share that. Yeah, it's beautiful and absolutely perfect. And I want to remind our listeners, as we're finishing up to please leave us a positive review. Oh, if you're loving what we share, because that's helping us. I'm learning about how this podcast works. But it's been fun. And thank you for joining us and your positive feedback has been inspiring, something you I create a great sending you all so much love Have a beautiful day. And so it is thank you for joining the conversation today. We hope that something we said sparked your curiosity to further your growth. Only you know what is meant for you. So let's continue the conversation and follow us on our Facebook page at what is personal is universal. We'll see you there.