Jessica: When I had mentioned to Kelly co-creative relationships, he was like, wht's co-creative, what's that?
You get so intertwined sometimes in relationships that you don't recognize yourself anymore.
Travis: is it do you enjoy being with someone, or is it I have to be with someone? As we've aged as a couple I feel like, I want my person there. I'm happy when I get to share those experiences.
Kelly: for us it's always been pretty well balanced: You go with your friends.
Jessica: I'm very strong woman. I always have been. Kelly's always been strong man. We're both really strong independently and together, I think that makes us more strong.
Unstoppable and powerful.
Amanda: See, I don't buy the whole "opposites attract" anymore. I think that's an old saying that kind of went around. Often times: If I have an underactive second chakra and somebody has an overactive second chakra I'll actually attract that person, and that's the whole opposites attract and it's usually not a healthy thing.
J: I think it's also really helpful if you have extracurricular activities in common. That's what's has really helped our relationship. Not only do we work together, but we have fun together. We enjoy spending our personal time together. But it's okay if he does hunting and I don't or if I go with the girls to Puerto Vallarta and he doesn't go. And there's never this permission. There's a difference in I'm asking Kelly permission to go, or I'm just saying hey, I'm planning a trip to Puerto Vallarta next weekend, what do we have going on?
T: "The Ask" is an aspect of respect.
J: Yes, not permission. Which I would say is co-creative.
A: When you support your partner in doing something, whatever it is, but I'm talking classes or they're wanting to explore some different spiritual aspect. There's that fear of the other partner outgrowing and going on a different path. That's where codependency can come in. The unknown for the other person and feeling of getting left behind. I feel like that takes a lot of personal confidence to be able to support that other person.
T: There's also the human ego aspect of it. Will my partner get bored? Will my partner not feel challenged. Whatever dynamic it is, at the end of the day I feel it's selfish if you're not supporting your person. You're not supporting them to their growth. To me, if you have those moments, those are your moments. You recognize it...it doesn't mean you have to believe it.
J: Some people I work with will ask, How do I attract the person I want to be with? You coming in whole, is how that will happen. If we both come to the relationship whole in who we are, then that leaves permission to expand together. The opposite would be, I'm looking for my other half. And the thought that you can't be happy without another person.
A: Relationships are what show us some of our deepest parts of ourselves with where we really get to go. If you're with the right person that can support you and hold you in that space, you get to go deeper.
J: Whether it's a romantic relationship or any relationship, that experience, your energy body goes, whoah, there's something coming up here. There's fear.
A: Love, you can't just say it and put it on a shelf. You have to constantly be feeding it and growing it. You have to appreciate your partner in their inviduality.
K: People say that a relationship is 50/50...bullshit. It's 100/100. 100 Percent.
J: You have to be able to ask yourself the question, what do you want? What's next? Are you just saying, this is hard and bullshit I'm out? Or, this is hard and we need to talk about it because I love you and I think love is beautiful and I want to fight for it.
J: If we can be a mirror for eachother. If we can look inward too. We have those days where we're frustrated with everybody, my husband, my kids and then you stop and look inward and say, hmmmmm, I'm the common denominator here. What is it that I need to look at?
A: Some relationships think that having secrets is healthy....what would you guys say to that?
J: I've never had a secret.
A: If you have secrets or things that you're hiding, then you can't be all in.
J: Secrets seem fear based for me.
A: Not wanting to be fully seen?
J: If there is that solid love, then you can tell me anything, because we can get through it together. Please don't keep the secret.
K: The only time to keep a secret is if you both are keeping the secret, together.
A: If our everything is a mirror and we can share all of who we are with our partner, then we're not sharing all of who we are with ourselves.
J: That could be a by product because you broke what you didn't want. YOu saw what you didn't want so now you know what you want it to look like.
A: There's a fine line between co-creative relationships, co-dependent relationships and then completely checking out. I know that
T: How do you think intimacy influences co-dependency and co-creative?
J: I feel like in a co-depdent relationship, intimacy is an obligation. In a c-creative relationship, it's an attraction, desire, or a want.
Relationships are like baking cookies: you have 2 cups of flour and 1 teaspoon of baking soda. Even though I need two cups of flour, without that one tsp of baking soda, those cookies aren't going to rise. The recipe isn't going to work out.
In a co-creative relationship it's a safe place to say, we're lacking a bit of connection these days. There needs to be a safe place to say, I'm feeling disconnected from you.
A: I think often times we get to a point where often times we take each other for granted. You're just together all the time. So you forget that there's a separateness to who you are vs. who I am and you're still a separate human who's trying their best.
We even forget that our children are their own individual little people trying their best and we get to help them as they're growing up.
As a healer it's hard to turn the healer/Shaman, off. When you're working with clients, it's hard to do that off with your person.
T: Don't read my feels...
A: Hey are you just needing someone to hear or are you needing shaman. Where can I best support you.
J: Are you giving what you're looking for in a relationship? If you're wanting someone to do things,
T: Are you doing certains actions in a relationship to get what you want? Is it coming from a pure space.
J: Notice, when you snap at each other...you wouldn't talk to a client that way.
We've had our peaks and valleys. Those who haven't are not even communicating at all. Through the dark comes the light.
Sometimes I feel like I've been married 4 times. We've been through some hard times.
Top 3 things why the relationship works:
Kelly:
-balance
-support
-encouragement
Jessica:
-communication
-love, intention of love
-encouragement
We both encourage each other to be our own.
Calling the shit. Owning the shit.
Amanda:
-open honest conversations, and a natural by product of being able to have that is trust and safety
-effort
-having alone time
Travis:
-respect
-communication, including vulnerability
-being wiling to show appreciation, and avoid the pit of falling into complacency
J: There's so much laughter in our marriage.
When I come home from an appointment...he's hiding. There's just that laughter element, always
We have fun together.
If you have a co-dependent relationship right now, and you're sitting here thinking, what can I do? Think about what do you want. Think about what you can give. Don't go into it thinking I'm going to fix them, start with yourself.
A: Sometimes you get to a point in a relationship where you start building walls and walls and walls and you start protecting.
Relationships offer us our deepest growth. You will never regret opening up as big as you can as far as putting into them, what do you have to lose? If this person actually vibrates out, you will at least know you tried everything you could.
T: It's never going to hurt to ask for what you want.
J: We do something called the 60 blessing right before bed. The blessing is, thank you for showing up for me today, and being very specific in the last 24 hours. And the rule is it has to be within the last 24 hours. It's just you saying, I see you and I see that you're showing up for me.