Decisions

Should I or shouldn’t I? Now or later? New or used? So many choices, so little time. Learn why it can be hard for autistics to make decisions and what you can do that helps.

A new podcast chock full of information: From the Spectrum: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/from-the-spectrum-finding-superpowers-with-autism/id1737499562

Transcript

Welcome to Meet My Autistic Brain. I’m your host, The Autistic Woman™.

I discovered autism late in life and in this podcast I share my experiences and challenges so you can learn what it’s like to be autistic.

Decisions. Is difficulty with them part of being autistic? In my case I believe being autistic contributes to the difficulties I have with making decisions. And it’s not just “oh I have trouble making decisions.” It’s multi-faceted and I’ll talk about that in this episode.

I’ve made what I consider to be some disastrous decisions of late. Being autistic means that the slightest thing can be considered a disaster however it may or may not be, but it sure feels like it is.

Much of the stress of making a decision comes down to avoidance. Most of us and our brains prefer the status quo. That applies to neurotypicals as well. There’s a  saying that goes “if it isn’t broken, don’t break it.” I’m paraphrasing. We convince ourselves we’re safe if we keep things the way they are. 

Why do we avoid decisions?

One reason is fear of regret. We’ve made decisions that we see as mistakes. Everyone does because we’re human, we make poor decisions at times. If these are painful we hesitate to make the next decision. A past negative experience influences our view about future decisions.

How do we make decisions harder on ourselves? Here are the ways I find most common:

Choice Overload: It’s when we’re offered so many choices that we become overwhelmed and delay making a decision. For example, when you buy clothing and know you can return it, you’re faced first with the choices of what to buy and then with the choice of whether to return it. We’re aware that often by making one choice we are eliminating the other possibilities. That can make it harder to make a choice.

Analysis Paralysis: I talk about this in another episode called Overlooked Autistic Traits. I’ll link it in the show notes. It’s that phenomenon where we research something way past the point needed to be effective. 

When I wanted to buy a car I knew exactly what I wanted, the year, the make, the model, the color etc. As soon as I tried to take a step forward in purchasing it, I decided I needed to research other similar vehicles to make sure the one I wanted was the best for me. Still convinced of my choice  I decided to research all the prices on available cars. 

After that I learned there were only 2 cars in my state like the one I wanted so guess what? I had to research available cars throughout the US finally deciding to limit my search to those in adjoining states. 

This process took at least 6 months and was very anxiety provoking. 

Some of what underlies analysis paralysis is the fear of not being happy with the choice we made. Logic, which would be that if we get the wrong car we can sell it and buy another, in other words it’s not the end of the world, logic doesn’t help.

We create obstacles. Another reason an autistic person might have challenges with decisions is that we create obstacles to moving forward. Let me give you an example. 

I remember wanting to buy a tv. After I got past the analysis paralysis, I started to create obstacles to moving forward. “I can’t get it yet because:

Do I want it mounted on the wall or on a stand?

It’s probably too heavy for me to unbox and set up so who will help me with that?

I don’t know what to do with my old tv.

If I schedule the delivery will I be available to receive it that day?” 

I could go on but those were the main ones I wrestled with on a daily basis and put off getting a new tv by at least 8 months. Now all those obstacles are problems that are relatively easy to solve. When one of them came up though I froze. That’s not entirely unreasonable because those obstacles required me to make more decisions and well, being autistic it’s not my strong suit.

Making a hasty decision. Sometimes we can wear ourselves out with analyzing and creating obstacles to the point where we just make a decision to make one. I have an autistic friend who wanted to get a dog. She knew what she wanted, all the parameters and she started looking. She didn’t find the kind of dog she planned to get so when she found one that was okay she worried that it would be adopted before she made a decision. She was tired of looking so she adopted the next dog she saw. 

This is an example of avoidance. Making a decision to avoid anxiety. After all the preparation we’ve done why would we ignore what we wanted and just grab the first thing that is vaguely like what we wanted? 

Being put on the spot by others or feeling hurried by another person or situation. I once was offered a position I wanted and a salary and it was all on a phone call. The person from HR said they had another qualified candidate and needed an answer from me. 

I felt pressured but didn’t want to lose the opportunity. As a black and white thinker I defaulted to I either take it or I lose it. It didn’t occur to me that there was an in-between because I was focused on the pressure being put on me. 

I accepted the offer and the HR person told me I would be meeting with my new boss for lunch a few days later. After the lunch meeting the HR person called me and said “so what salary did you and your new boss decide on at lunch?” Wow. 

The salary was always negotiable but I felt so hurried that I lost the opportunity to ask for more. And it sounds like they were expecting me to! Would I do it differently the next time? 

One aspect of decision making for me currently is the hardest: fear of making the wrong decision and/or later regretting the decision I made. 

For me it looks something like this. I will go through all the steps of researching, analyzing, getting someone else’s opinion, etc and feel satisfied that I know the best decision for me. I will then do or get what I wanted. 

Later I will feel like I rushed into it, like I should have realized that what I wanted was one of the other alternatives, I will want to undo the decision even if that is impractical, I’ll wonder if I was too quick to follow someone else’s advice and I will question my ability to make good decisions. Even if the decision was fine, I’ll still often put myself though this fear and regret cycle. And you can imagine that it just reinforces my doubts about making decisions at all.

It’s not that we don’t learn. It’s that we’re autistic. I find it frustrating that after all these years of making decisions I still have anxiety over it, more than is needed for the situation. I make decisions for a living and those come relatively easily but when it comes to something in my personal life it’s a challenge.

Decision avoidance causes us to compensate in the ways I’ve described. We want to avoid anxiety, we’re avoiding patience, we’re avoiding having to go through all the steps we put ourselves through and exhausted ourselves by. 

Even if I feel completely sure about my decision I will have second thoughts about it later. It’s like the choice will have to prove itself to me or it might have been a mistake. 

Ultimately the car I bought was the one I had in mind the whole time and I didn’t regret it. That’s the funny part, once I went through with getting what I wanted it all felt okay. 

It doesn’t always. 

The final related category is decision fatigue which happens when a person makes lots of decisions during the day or over a period of time leaving them feeling physically, mentally and emotionally depleted. A person experiencing decision fatigue struggles with executive functioning which affects judgment. As we know, autistics have trouble with executive function.

Think about the decisions you make on a daily basis. It starts with what to eat for breakfast, what to wear, what time to leave for your destination, which method of transportation or route to take, what to have for lunch, who to go to lunch with, what tasks or projects to make a priority, email, traffic, dinner, temperature in the room, what to stream, texting, you get the idea…are you tired just listening to that?

Then there are daily decisions that carry more weight like what you can afford, whether to see a doctor, how to handle a relationship.

All of these decisions add up and wear us out. We might start to make bad decisions. We might reach a point where making another one is just too much. I think it’s possible that decision fatigue could lead to burnout.

Have you ever read advice about a job interview? Often we’re warned not to pick an interview time, if we’re given that choice, at the end of the day. By that point the interviewer will have seen so many candidates that they are suffering from decision fatigue. It’s harder to make a choice when a person suffers from decision fatigue and they’re more likely to pick an interviewee they talked to when they felt fresh and awake in the morning.

How to prevent or reduce decision fatigue

It’s said that Steve Jobs wore the same clothes every day so that he didn’t have to decide what to wear. One less decision. Many autistics wear the same clothes repeatedly to avoid making a decision and because we know what’s comfortable.

I pick out clothes for work the day before so I’m not standing staring into my closet wondering what to choose.

Routines are a way autistic people prevent having to make unnecessary decisions.

Setting aside some recuperation time can help recharge to take on the next decision.

Delegating decisions to someone else or seeking input can help. 

Don’t make big decisions at the end of the day when you may be exhausted or hungry

Don’t make decisions when you feel overwhelmed.

How can you and I make decisions easier for ourselves?

Accept that being autistic means you have to recognize the points of weakness in your decision-making process and account for them. Understand there is no fool-proof decision-making for an autistic person. Maybe not for anyone. For me though as an autistic person I would love it for decisions to be easier. I think they are easier for neurotypicals.

How to help with analysis paralysis? Set a limit. Give yourself a set number of hours of research after which you will consider that you have enough information to make a decision. Anything longer than the time limit you’ve set is avoidance.

To remove obstacles notice when you are creating them. Hey, everyone has to have their old tv hauled away, just deal with it! Just move forward with clearing the obstacles. If there is any stage of the decision-making process where you can ask for someone else’s advice it’s this stage. Others might have some ideas about how you can get around these obstacles. 

Making a decision just to make one is classic avoidance. It’s one of my hardest challenges. I can have my parameters written down, questions written down, all of it and still even if faced with something that isn’t completely what I wanted I will get it or do it just to get it over with. 

I am working on this one. 

Regret is something everyone needs to address before it causes loss of sleep, depression or anxiety. Making the wrong decisions at times is part of life. It’s going to happen. One way I deal with regret before it happens is to remind myself at the time that I am making the best decision based on the circumstances and information I have now at that moment. I promise myself that later if I feel any regret I will remind myself that I made the best decision based on the circumstances and information I had when I made the decision. 

Regret stems from thinking we’re supposed to know the future and account for it before we decide. 

The first step in any decision process is being willing to embrace uncertainty. That’s not easy for an autistic person because by nature we want answers and predictability.

Here are things to keep in mind when you’re deciding:

Recognize when you’re using things like creating obstacles and the others I’ve mentioned in order to avoid a decision, 

Revise your ideas about regret and give yourself credit for making the best decision you could make at the time,

Accept that there is no perfect decision,

Acknowledge that you will make some mistakes.

Focus on that you’ve made good decisions in the past.

There isn’t much in life that is certain and that’s okay. Sometimes you’ve got to just do it.

Contact me at info@theautisticwoman.com. I love hearing from you! I want you to know that your support makes the podcast possible. Many of you have donated and I am so grateful! You can contribute on KoFi, PayPal or Patreon.

I appreciate you so please keep listening! Tell your friends and family about the podcast so they can learn what it’s like to be autistic.