Beyond Diagnostic Criteria

Autistics share traits that meet the diagnostic criteria for autism and many traits that do not. Find out what autistics may have in common that didn’t make the cut. 

Transcript

Autistic Emotion - The Autistic Woman©

I’ve heard that autistics don’t have emotions or feelings. Supposedly we’re insensitive and lack empathy. I know this isn’t true yet how could I explain the times I’ve felt unsure of whether I was feeling something?

After months and months of thinking about it I have an idea now, at least as I experience it. In this episode I’ll talk about whether I feel and what it’s like.

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I’ve noticed that how I respond emotionally falls into a number of different categories. It’s not just that I feel a different emotion than might be expected. How I experience emotion and what comes next might be different from a non-autistic person.

There times when I think I don’t feel anything. Even when something major happens I’m not sure I am feeling it completely. I know I am experiencing emotions, it would be unnatural for me not to. It’s a blank feeling at times when experiencing something deeply emotional. I wouldn’t call it numb or not feeling. 

Is this alexithymia? A very general definition is “a deficiency in understanding, processing, or describing emotions.”

In my case much of the time I experience, understand, can describe and process emotions. Can a person be alexithymic some of the time?

Let’s say that I experience something that causes me to fall to pieces. Later the same situation in a different circumstance might cause me to go blank temporarily.  I don’t know what determines which reaction I have. 

Even when I think I don’t feel anything at the moment, the truth is that I definitely will feel it greatly at a later time which can mean in seconds or minutes. This might be due to self-preservation when I face something devastating yet have to keep going. 

Recently a family member died unexpectedly. The first few days I handled it okay and some said “We’re worried about you that you’re doing so well.” 

I wasn’t doing well. I was using my energy to hold myself together because I knew a meltdown would happen if I couldn’t.

When something devastating happens, the feeling I might have at first isn’t numbness. It’s hard to describe. I think that in my case it’s influenced by neurotransmitters. 

Endorphins are neurotransmitters that are released by the brain to manage pain so we can survive it. They’ve been called feel-good chemicals because they also reduce stress and improve mood.

Endorphin comes from the words “endogenous,” which means within the body, and “morphine.” That tracks what it feels like for me to go blank when something is highly emotional. It’s not a lack of emotion for me, it’s a very low-level heady feeling of calm and well-being. 

I’ve experienced that feeling when I had intense physical pain. It truly seems like my brain is sending pain-relief to my body. This physical response seems to apply in highly-charged situations as well. 

Most autistics are highly sensitive, in fact we often hear “you’re too sensitive.” Is the brain compensating by sending pain-relief even before we’ve had a chance to be consciously aware of our emotion? For our survival?

I’ve read that many autistics experience deep emotion when watching movies for example. I might laugh out loud or cry uncontrollably over something that to a non-autistic doesn’t seem to warrant it. 

One time at a movie theater I was intensely focused on watching a hero and villain fighting on a bridge hundreds of feet above the ground. Suddenly and unexpectedly the hero falls off the bridge. Without thinking I shouted “oh my god!” And then realized I had said it out loud. I didn’t want to be one of those people that disturbs others, it just came out.

What about happiness? When I see something some might consider average, a gorgeous sunset, I feel happy inside. At other times something wonderful might be happening and it seems as though I should be feeling happier at that moment. I will later.

Do other people, non-autistics, feel emotion the moment something happens? Always? 

It’s not that I don’t know what feeling typically occurs with something. If I got a long-awaited promotion, I know the reaction would be excitement and happiness. If I feel stunned or shocked instead is it because my brain first focuses on processing what happened? 

How is it related to meltdowns? For me those typically occur when I am overwhelmed by feelings. I can usually tell when a meltdown might occur because I can feel it. I can name it. I can recognize it. Would autistics have meltdowns if we couldn’t feel emotion?

What about when someone says something shocking or hurtful that I never could have expected? I remember one time having a discussion with someone (it wasn’t an argument) and the person I was talking to was getting frustrated with me because of my communication issues. He suddenly shouted “you hate me!” 

It felt like a heavy wall in my head just suddenly came from the top of my head down through my temples and cut me off from my brain. Like those huge, impenetrable gates you see in castles that suddenly just slam shut.

That’s when my mind seems to go blank. I know what the person said isn’t true for me. I didn’t expect their words or my reaction. I don’t have a response. I get that look on my face that people ask me about. You know the one where someone thinks you’re mad? 

My mind won’t think fast enough to respond or to feel anything other than panic. Words fail me. I stand there stunned that the other person could say something so untrue. It’s a deer-in-the-headlights moment.

This situation is one big reason I searched most of my life for an answer and found out that answer is autism. It felt like many relationships were ruined because I couldn’t speak when I needed to. At times I came across as uncaring, indifferent or mad. To just stand there when someone says something that should get a reaction is nearly always taken the wrong way.

After something like that happens I feel mad at myself, devastated, guilty or ashamed. I feel frustrated that I didn’t say something at a crucially important moment. I mean, I don’t even say, hey that’s not true. Or give me a minute to think about what you just said. I say nothing!

I’m having feelings at the time, it’s just that the hurt and shock of the words causes the wall to crash down and make my mind nothing but mush.

Some of the most regrettable experiences of my life have been related to this. I’ve searched for a solution for as long as I can remember. I read books about relationships and went to counseling to learn how to keep this from happening. Nothing worked long-term. Then I found out I am autistic and finally had an explanation.

Because it’s how my brain is wired it’s unlikely I can change it. I find it discouraging that knowledge and experience fail me when I need to rely on them. I can script and practice and get advice and it doesn’t matter.

If there was a way to change this I would. It’s profoundly affected my life. 

I’ve now explain to family and friends that when I have that so-called “mad” look it’s actually because I feel hurt and I’m thinking about what to say. They still don’t seem to get it.

I would say that if you are listening to this to learn about autistics or to understand autism, believe this. If an autistic person says nothing in response to you they are probably processing what you just said. They are not ignoring you or misbehaving. They heard you.

Have patience if you don’t get a response right away. Give the autistic person time. You might get an angry response and that’s often because the autistic person feels pressured. Let them know you’re free to talk more later.

I think there’s another angle to the feelings issue.

Sometimes we might not feel something because we’ve been pressured not to. Even something as little as someone saying to you “don’t be sad” is a denial of feelings. We often hear how we should feel or should not feel.

For autistics this can be especially challenging since we’re already dealing with a world of innuendos and reading between the lines. We hear “don’t over-react” and might think we’re wrong about our feelings. Could that cause us to deny them?

Do black and white thinking, taking things literally and social awkwardness cause us to struggle?

My answer to this, and I’m still working on it, is to question things, notice them, be ready. 

Recently a friend changed tentative plans we had so she could do something else. She said she was going to get together with another friend instead of me and added, “I don’t like to tell you because you’ll just get mad.”

Before I might have said “no, I’m not mad” because it’s the expected response. You know how it feels to say that though when you don’t really mean it? As autistics we often try to be nice and be accommodating.

This time I said something I figured out and practiced for a moment like this. “I have a right to feel however I want about this.” Maybe I could have said more but at that moment it was the best I could do.

I broke the rule and it didn’t go well. She reacted by getting mad at me!

I know I’m very sensitive. When I’m expected to not be mad or sad or hurt they might as well ask me not to be autistic.

I’ve talked before about how emotions and thinking are related and how autistics experience this differently than non-autistics. Yes, there are cases when thoughts create emotions. 

For autistics changing our thoughts won’t automatically change our emotions. In fact, in most cases for me, my emotions come first. Sometimes I use my brain to analyze the emotion and understand what’s behind it…and I’ll admit, if it’s a painful emotion I am trying to solve it, to find a way to not have to feel bad again. 

In my opinion that’s an autistic thing and so is our disdain of negative emotions. Many autistics feel things so deeply that all we want to do is stop the feeling and never have to experience it again. We might try to analyze the feeling away. As if there is a way to do that! 

Until I realized it, analyzing emotion gave me migraine headaches instead of answers.

There may be autistics who don’t feel emotions and you may be one of them. In my case it’s a mix. With something unexpected I might not feel it until a bit later. With something devastating my brain might protect me with endorphins. At other times I feel them, boy do I!

Do you know happiness, sadness, anger and excitement? Perhaps emotions are on a spectrum for autistics and non-autistics alike. How do you really feel about it?

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