Ep. 125 - React Or Respond

Your mouth moves faster than your values, and you only realize it halfway through the sentence. We’ve all been there. Nancy, Kevin, and Lou dig into a deceptively simple question with real consequences: are you reacting, or are you responding?

We break down what a reaction looks like when a trigger hits, emotion spikes, and the “knee-jerk” version of you takes the wheel. Then we contrast that with a response: the intentional choice to pause, self-regulate, and act with awareness. Along the way, we talk through practical examples from work and leadership, how interview questions subtly push you toward reflex versus reflection, and why trying to “fix” chronic reactors in your life can backfire if they’re not ready.

The heart of the conversation is the skill of catching yourself in real time, even mid-sentence. We connect that skill to mindfulness and meditation, noticing thoughts without grabbing them, and training impulse control like a muscle. If you like the idea of building new neural pathways and making calm your default, this one gives you a clear starting point: awareness, choice, then response.

Subscribe for more straight-talk tools, share this with someone who needs a pause button, and leave a review if it helps. When do you react most, and what helps you slow down?

Transcript

Welcome And The Big Question

SPEAKER_02 0:09

Hello and welcome to Clean Your Fucking House, bitch, with Nancy, Kevin, and Lou. In our program, we get real about the challenges of life and living. Your mind is the most powerful tool you have to ensure you are on your desired path for success and satisfaction. Yet, from the day you are born, you gradually and subconsciously fill it with tons of useless shit that gets in your way. Why is that? How can you clean that mess up? We'll show you how. Get ready to clean your fucking house.

SPEAKER_03 0:50

Hello everyone. Welcome to another fantastic episode of Clean Your Fucking House, bitch. With Nancy, Kevin, and Lou. I am delivering a very long introduction here because I'm struggling with how to introduce this next topic, folks. Believe it or not. It's uh it's an interesting one. It's all about reacting versus responding. And of course, Kevin's all kind of joker with me before he hit that record button about just react and do it. And it, you know, for all intents and purposes, that's perfect advice. When you need to do something, or just sometimes it's just about jumping into this shit and just going for it. Isn't that right? Okay. Well, okay, so we have a little bit of an uh an alliteration exercise here. React versus respond versus some other R word, if you guys can think of one. But let's get things started. Reliability. Oh, reliability. That's a good one too, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:53

Now, maybe we should really just start with what it means to both of you.

Defining React Versus Respond

SPEAKER_03 1:58

Because these are seem like simple simple words, but can mean different things to different people.

SPEAKER_01 2:05

React to me is like a a stimulus or something that occurs, and then there's like an immediate action or thought or emotion on my end. Like it to me, it like a reaction has to be triggered by something.

SPEAKER_04 2:26

Which would technically really be then an action without the thought. Like you reacted, you just yeah, yeah. Sometimes we're hit by the trigger, um, reacted without thought.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

Yeah, the only like normally how I differentiate is like a response is like choosing a response. I think there are times where even a reaction could be somewhat thought out, like you're reacting to like an event. Well, I guess is that then a response to it? I guess reaction is more like spur the moment right away without a whole lot of of forethought. And a response is more like you gave it a moment, self-regulated action, some sort of consideration, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:18

I I thought about that too, but you know, I'm kind of wondering. I may have to look this up after, but I'm wondering if the word response is in the definition of react, and the de and the word react is in the definition of response in any way. Because it does feel like there's a lot of overlap. So you're both saying a bit of thought, consideration, something other than knee-jerk activity. Notice I didn't use the word in the definition there, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

Like reaction is automatic, emotion first, thinking second. Yeah, responding is intentional, thinking and awareness before acting. Okay, but I don't know. I was the reason why I challenged myself, because that's how I always kind of perceived it.

Work And Interview Examples

SPEAKER_01 4:09

But then I was thinking about like someone in business that's just constantly reacting to things that are going on. I guess it's kind of still applicable, like being stuck in a reactive state, like in within the business, you know.

SPEAKER_04 4:27

Well, I think you can't grow a business if you constantly react. Like you have to be able to be nimble enough to sometimes, but if that's your foundation, you're moving parts.

SPEAKER_01 4:39

Yeah, agreed.

SPEAKER_04 4:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:42

Kind of interesting, but when I think of like, say, an interview scenario and someone provides a setting or a setup, and then the interviewer asks the question, could the question P be of those two different forms? How would you react or how would you respond? Totally. You think simply by asking it that way, the reaction or the response would be definitionally different?

SPEAKER_04 5:10

Yes, especially if it's asked that way. If you're in an interview and someone asks you, how would you react or respond? Shocked. I mean, wouldn't you like to think they would actually take a moment to respond with I would step back and think about the situation, I would consider the circumstances, I would weigh the pros and cons before jumping into action.

SPEAKER_01 5:34

Or you could even respond by saying, I would probably immediately react by sitting down and creating a plan with which to respond.

SPEAKER_04 5:43

Kiss ass.

SPEAKER_03 5:44

You know, but then that would no longer be a reaction, would it?

SPEAKER_01 5:49

No, but there would be like the immediate reaction is like, oh, I gotta sit down and figure this out. Like that could be a reaction where it's like you're not even thinking, you're like planning to think as like an immediate reaction, you know.

SPEAKER_03 6:03

And I know

Catch Yourself Before You Snap

SPEAKER_03 6:04

we've talked about this in other situations like road rage, things like that. It and we always brought up the uh how did we define it, the catch-ourself kind of approach.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:17

When you feel that I don't know if it's a reaction muscle, I'll call it, starting to flex itself.

SPEAKER_04 6:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:25

Yeah. Catch yourself.

SPEAKER_04 6:27

I work on it in conversation a lot with certain people because I tend to react quickly with things that I say when I'm irritated, which aren't the person I want to be. And so I try to take a moment to think about something kind to say, even if I hear something dumb.

SPEAKER_01 6:53

How do you catch yourself?

SPEAKER_04 6:55

Oh, sometimes it just rolls out. Like sometimes half a sentence is already out of my mouth. So I'll stop talking.

SPEAKER_03 7:06

So you said so you know, uh-oh, it's coming out not the way I want. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 7:11

Sometimes I have to apologize.

SPEAKER_01 7:17

I mean, that's pretty good to catch yourself mid-sentence.

SPEAKER_03 7:22

Yeah, most reactions take their full course before someone realizes uh uh.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

Yeah, and then you have a choice of like shit, do I just double down now? Or do I take a step back?

SPEAKER_04 7:37

Oh no, yeah. I think the step back is hopefully the way one can go.

SPEAKER_01 7:46

Hopefully most of the time.

SPEAKER_04 7:48

Right? Sometimes maybe. But I think we all have those moments where we've said something like, oh shit. So that circumstance can all depend on the person you're talking with, but it can also shut them down. Like they're not gonna hear you either if like I'm not gonna be heard if what I have to say is always or I'm not gonna be valued if what I have to say is always short and impatient.

SPEAKER_03 8:17

Yeah. How

Dealing With Chronic Reactors

SPEAKER_03 8:19

do you communicate with someone and help them to understand the difference between those two concepts when all they do, all they've ever done is react. And it I because I know people like that in my life, and I'm like, I how do you explain they just so it just feels like they don't get it?

SPEAKER_04 8:47

I don't think you do, like it's not up to us. Like we can only I don't know, I need a uh something to respond to, right? But I think if they don't get it, they're not going to get it, and so it comes back to us what's in our circle of freaking control. Sometimes that's good, and sometimes really, dang, do I always have to take the responsibility? But it comes back to us to decide how we're gonna communicate with them if we don't like the way that they communicate.

SPEAKER_01 9:14

If there were a person like that who for some reason were interested in like if they asked, right, how could I?

Are Emotions Really A Choice

SPEAKER_01 9:26

I would probably start by emphasizing that emotions are a choice. And if that triggers enough of a thought on their end, then I think there could be something to explore. But if they're like, no, I feel emotions and that's it. So if their level I guess, so I guess it depends on the level of their understanding of their own emotions. If a person is still of the perspective that uh your emotions just happen and that's it, yeah, it's yeah, I don't know if you can ever get to a point of responding. I think that's like step one, or at least it was for me, is understanding like I can choose my emotions because when we're reacting, that's emotional, right? Typically, we're not gonna say some shit unless we're feeling a certain way, or we're not gonna do a certain thing unless we're feeling a certain way.

SPEAKER_04 10:20

Well, I admire that, and I think wanting to control your emotions is uh what a beautiful goal, right? Like there's value in that, but where are the moments where you just are like this sucks, or shut that up, or that was stupid.

SPEAKER_01 10:41

Like to ourselves or to another person? Yeah, to another person. If it's another person, no, I think Nancy, you're right. Like, we can't control others, we can only control ourselves, and it's up to us to not allow ourselves to be impacted by someone else's reactivity or outburst or whatever.

SPEAKER_04 11:04

Stupidity.

SPEAKER_03 11:06

Stupidity, yeah, and it's and it's interesting because uh sometimes like the people that I've come across in life who are reactors and not responders, there's no common theme. It's not like educated versus uneducated, um, blue collar versus white collar, rich poor. There's no common thread. So I'm like, where, you know, how is that concept either difficult to learn, difficult to understand, whatever, for folks who are in that situation?

SPEAKER_04 11:43

Even very knowledgeable people know it sometimes. Like I'd put all three of us in that category, right? Like we have a desire to respond versus react, and we have the knowledge and awareness, self-awareness, emotional awareness. But there are moments where things are happening that we just don't, we're not always strong. So I think that you're absolutely right. Very knowledgeable people in many ways. They don't you don't have to be educationally knowledgeable, you can just be wise and thoughtful and caring. But we all have a short straw sometimes, I guess.

SPEAKER_03 12:34

Yeah, there's even some folks I've worked with that, you know, you're talking about a short straw. It's like that straw never got long. I'm like, what the heck?

SPEAKER_04 12:42

What the hell? I mean, because then it goes back to that, like that person you work with, do you minimize your exposure to them because they've never become aware and have the ability to change? Or do you just keep running into the same experience because and so where do we what actions do we take? So if we have now this ability to recognize that everybody can't be uh who they want to be all the time, and when we feel irritated or frustrated at someone, how do we how do we take actions to not show that?

SPEAKER_01 13:21

To

Meditation And Impulse Control

SPEAKER_01 13:22

not what show irritation, impatience, shortness, so I was just looking up because I kind of remembered from back in the day something with like the the length of of or gap between synapses in the brain and meditation and how meditation can impact that. And while it may not be like a physical gap widening, you can build the ability to like notice and regulate your impulses before acting on them. So I remember how do you do that? So just like meditating, grounding, I think it's just sitting in silence and understanding how your mind works, and when you come to the understanding that like all of our minds just think like there's always a thought happening, and some of those are emotion-provoking, right? And so if we sit in silence and identify the fact that pretty consistently we think about things that are pretty fucking irritating, right? Well, now we're identifying that that happens, and it's like, well, I'm paying attention to that now, but what if that's happening in the background and that that program is running while I'm actually out doing things but not paying attention to the thoughts? Well, naturally, I'm gonna have some type of like at least a little emotional buildup, right? Yeah, and so once you get to that point, um, yeah, I can't speak on everyone, but for me, it was just you know, thoughts come in and they go out, they're like clouds in the sky passing by. There's always gonna be a thought up there. There, I don't choose them most of the time. Uh they're just fucking there, and so if I don't choose them and they're not intentional, why should I grasp onto them? You know, and I and I just kind of let things flow. And so when something happens and it's frustrating or irritating, I just check myself. Well, how am I thinking? What am I thinking about right now? Am I thinking about this really fucking irritating thing that's gonna piss me off? Or now that I'm thinking about what I'm thinking, I'm already in a better spot, right? Now I'm aware, now I'm conscious of what's going on internally, and so now I can choose if I want to react. And over time you develop that as a habit, right? Yeah, and it's still driving, right? You might have to still be intentional to catch yourself, but in a normal situation when you no longer are very reactive with whatever choice emotion your you or your body chooses, um, you're just you're just able to identify it. It's just there, and it becomes a habit of not even getting pissed off at all about things, and then you get even deeper and notice what you can and can't control and all you know, all the conversation that we have.

SPEAKER_04 16:25

Yeah, I guess what you're saying is it starts with choice, and by choosing to not be reactive in the moment and making a conscious effort to do that, the more you choose that, the more easily it'll happen.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Yeah, and

Neural Pathways Habits And Wrap

SPEAKER_01 16:40

remember the analogy. Like, there's an analogy about a highway. The one I like is like water flowing down a mountain, like it always takes the path of least resistance, it's always going to take the path of the the um like where the ground is dug out, right? So you and that's like your your neural pathways. You can train yourself to carve deeper paths so the water takes that path, and that's like habit to me.

SPEAKER_04 17:09

Yeah, or reroute it. You're right. You can make a new neural pathway, and you can also reroute the water if you have to.

unknown 17:15

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 17:17

Like many things we talk about, it all starts with uh awareness slash choice and slash doing that activity, remembering to do the activity, which is catching yourself and not responding right or reacting immediately, giving thoughtful uh thought to a more proper response, yeah, and trying to build that habit that regularly on repeat.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

Perfect.

SPEAKER_03 17:49

Yeah, like anything that takes time but it can happen, it can work.

SPEAKER_04 17:56

Yeah. Perfect summary, Lou.

SPEAKER_03 17:59

Wow. So folks, are you a reactor or a responder? Hopefully, if you are more of a reactor, you'll take some of what we talked about, maybe put it into your own toolbox and become more of a responder. Awareness, choice, proper reflection, thought, and then respond. I guess that's yeah, that sums it up great. So thank you all for joining us. We really appreciate you and your time. We look forward to you joining us on our next episode. Bye for now.