Ep. #2: How Perfectionism, Judgment, and Fear are Holding You Back

In this episode, I talk about how perfectionism, judgment, and fear are holding you back from pursuing your dreams and becoming who you're meant to be. Perfectionism is for scared people. What would you do if you weren't scared? What would you do if you knew that you'd have your own back no matter what? I talk about some antidotes to perfectionism and why doing B minus work, which is encouraged by Master Coach Brooke Castillo, actually frees us from perfectionistic thinking and allows us to fail, learn, and grow. 

Transcript

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Welcome to unleash your inner power with Dr. Janny Chang, the podcast that helps women from all walks of life use thoughtworks research and storytelling to help rewire your brain and kick ass in your personal and professional life. This is Dr. Janny Chang, and you are listening to the only sure inner power podcast with me. Thank you so much for being here I am so so happy to be here today. And in to work on the second episode, the second podcast. And I'm just excited. You know, I'm just so excited about this, I've always wanted to have my own podcast and here it is, your I am making this a reality. So thank you so much for being here. I know how precious your time and schedule is. So every moment and every minute that you are here and just present, I am just grateful for that. I truly am. I would love to hear from you all. So, you know, feel free to email me at Janny Chang one@gmail.com, that's j A n n y, CH A n g one@gmail.com. Or check out my website Dr. Janny. Chang calm or Janny www dot Janny Chang calm, I think both of them will go to the same site. You know, check it out, book a free consultation with me or just you know, email me, I'd love to hear your story, I'd love to hear any topics you want to talk about. And as I said in my introductory podcast episode, I love to use the techniques of thought work, storytelling, research, all kinds of mix techniques, to bring in different kinds of ways of understanding the world in our situations and ourselves. And I like to bring that into our sessions, and I want to bring them to the podcast. So it helps me learn, I just love to learn. And I see this as sort of a journey that we take together to learn together. And that's what makes it all the more fun. So feel free to contact me and give me some suggestions. You know, I'd love to hear them. And if you have any feedback as well, I'd also love to hear them. But do you have topics if you have, you know, books to read or suggestions. I would love to take that on and include it in my podcasts and talk about it. So yeah, I'd love to hear from you. So everyone, this is Episode Two. And I just wanted to talk a little bit about me again, just from the very beginning. I mean, you've you may have heard the introductory podcast episode where talked about how it came to coaching. I also wanted to just discuss that, or let you know that I work in the nonprofit industry have have have had worked in the nonprofits and global development industry for over a decade. And I'm currently still working for a nonprofit. And I just I love the kind of work that that serves people. Similarly coaching is very, very much the same, right? We also serve people. And I think that the sort of drive that I have to help change the world, coupled with the fact that I've always been sort of a self help junkie, as I've talked about in previous In the previous episode. That, you know, that's what led me to join the clutch which is a self coaching group of feminist minded people, where I was introduced to thought work under master coach, Carlo antheil. That just totally changed my life. So even though I promised myself I would never go back to school, y'all have a PhD that took me like seven plus years to finish. I thought to myself, nope, I am never going back to school. But guess what, here I am. I'm going back to school to get certified at the Life Coach School, where you know, Brooke Castillo, the founder of thought work. You know, I listened to her podcast, I'm constantly learning from her and also the fellow coaches and my instructors is just an incredible group of group of women. So in men, and I just I feel so thrilled and lucky to be able to do that. But point being so I'm in this coaching program, I coach clients, I've been coached by my peers. And I thought, you know what, I am going to start my business and I'm going to do this podcast. You know, it's just been a dream of mine to be an entrepreneur. Always I've always thought about having my own business. I mean for a while. I thought I'd love to open up a coffee shop, I still love that idea. And coaching just came really natural to me because I do that day in and day out as a mentor, as a boss as just someone that just loves to, to really help people, you know, empower them, see the best in them and be their cheerleaders. I just love that part of it. And I've always wanted to run my own business. So but as with any major milestones, I've been thinking about this, whether it's running a business, or getting my PhD, or getting married, and I have two kids who are four and two years old. All of these major milestones that I'm like supremely proud of, I just realized that there is no perfect time to do it. You know, I think, you know, we certainly plan to have a family and we, we did time at somewhat, but you know, there is no perfect time to have kids like you would think you're totally ready at but then it's just a whole new kind of opens up a whole new world with, you know, challenges and joyful moments and the most amazing, incredible experiences that you would never anticipate. So, you know, there really is no perfect time is what I'm trying to say. I know that some retired couples, they wait until very late in life to finally travel or pursue their dreams. And sometimes it doesn't always work out, right, because there are physical challenges they face, or who knows what comes up that prevents them from pursuing their dreams. So I want to say, you know what, there is a perfect time, the perfect time is actually to start now is do it, right, do it and fail or do it and learn. I think just like being a parent, you know, you go and do it. Now, that doesn't mean I'm not trying to say be reckless, or don't plan for golden life or these milestones. But your own friends sake, right is that what I wanted to talk about today is about the beliefs that are grounded in perfectionism and judgment, which I think go hand in hand, and how they can stop you from pursuing your dreams from starting anything. And therefore block you from becoming who you're meant to be. Now, I know that some of you think of perfectionism as a good thing. I mean, I used to think it's something I wanted to attribute to myself as a badge of honor. Oh, I'm a perfectionist, I've got high standards, or I'm a type A, I've got high standards, and I love to achieve my goals. And there's nothing wrong with that. I think that's totally fine. But again, what I wanted to talk about, and what my whole coaching business is about, is about belief systems that hold us back. So think about thoughts you have in beliefs, and think about whether they serve you like are they helping you become the person you want to be? Are you showing up in the way you want to be? Or does it stress you out? Or does it make you irritable? Or are you not happy in the process, and what I mean by happy is like, you're in the moment and engaged and, you know, in the process of fulfilling your goals, right, because we want to be engaged, we want to be present doesn't mean we're gonna be happy 100% of the time. But it does mean we're there were present, and we understand the purpose and we feel alive, and we know that it's meaningful, right? So if certain thoughts and beliefs don't serve you, we have to examine what those beliefs and, and thoughts are. And so it's, I think perfectionism is one of those things in judgment that go hand in hand, that tend to contribute to thoughts and beliefs that hold us back. Now, my coach at the Life Coach School, because Sergio, who's the founder of thought work, says that perfectionism is for scared people. And I totally agree, right? I mean, you're perfectionistic because you fear failure. You fear falling flat on your face, or what people think of you. And so by avoiding failure, you also avoid growing and challenging yourself and learning to feel and process big emotions, or negative emotions like humiliation and rejection. Right. It's that fear that holds you back. But that fear is also caused by thoughts and beliefs that things have to be perfect for you to finally start. Things have to be perfect for you to finally launch your business. Right? So now I'm not saying don't seek adversity on purpose. I mean, We always say in, in coaching that life is 5050. And just by being human, inevitably, we all encounter adversity, right 5050 50% of the time, we're going to have challenges and we're going to have negative emotions, and even just, you know, the most evolved coaches. And if you practice that work daily, or even, you know, the Dalai Lama, I'm sure who's self aware and self aware, and very mindful of his thoughts and feelings. Even the Dalai Lama encounters adversity and discomfort, and negative emotions as part of being human. When you go for big dreams, you will undoubtedly encounter adversity and lots of discomfort. Why is that? Well think about it. I mean, you're putting yourself out there, you're in the ring, you're just like, out there doing the work. And there's always the possibility of failure or losing money, or not getting clients or people not following you or rejections, right. And those only come because you're putting stuff out there. If you were just sitting on your couch, and just watching other people do it. You don't get that kind of discomfort. Sure, you don't, you don't get the negative or the backlash or the criticisms, but you're also not getting the the good parts of it, which is the triumph and the things that build your resilience, and the learning process of launching your business or pursuing a certain dream. So growing because of a not, in spite of these challenges, is part of what's beautiful about being alive. You cannot ever get rid of negative emotions and feeling bad, but you can learn to manage your mind. And that's where thought were comes in. You can learn to tap into that inner power and know that no matter what happens, you will be all right. Now, here's the kicker about perfectionism. Aside from a depriving you of living a full life, and going after your dreams because you fear failure, it also feeds on a type of judgy self loathing black and white thinking that holds you back. For example, I guarantee you, the person who's constantly judging other people, for putting themselves out there, let's say a friend starts a business. And that person says, Who does she think she is, the person who is doing the judging is probably not out there failing and trying again and learning. I would venture to say that the same person who's Jaggi is also perfectionist at heart. And we tend to think perfectionists are people who have high standards, or want something perfect. I think anyone who sits back and judges other people or their own ideas, is actually perfectionist, or if you find yourself finding it very difficult to start a project, because you're already anticipating failure, that is also a form of perfectionism. Because I think when you're super judgy, and when you are reluctant to start something, because you're not sure how it's going to turn out. What you're essentially saying is, it's got to be a perfect condition for me to start. Or if you're judging someone else Who does she think she is, essentially or sayings, she's got to be perfect for me not to judge her. Or if you do it to yourself, say you're constantly judging your own thoughts, you know, because you want to start something but you're not sure how it's gonna turn out and you're anticipating failure and you feel very scared and feared fearful. That also is a sign of perfectionism. perfectionism is the enemy of creativity and innovation. And in order to have all those great things, you've got to learn to fail, and try again and approach things with curiosity and not judgment. I think the most forward thinking and useful inventions of our time, would never have even started if inventor had perfectionist to thinking, the invention would never have a fighting chance against that kind of mindset. If you tend to be judgey, about people and their ideas and thinking, or even your own ideas, and your way of thinking, trying to think about ways in which it might be rooted in perfectionism, and my answer to that is simply to breathe into it and lean into it. And allow yourself to feel that in your body. Try to locate that sensation, where is it in your body where you feel either anxiety or fear about starting something, or certain thoughts that you may have that seem more judgmental than it is curious. Go ahead and breathe into it. Take some deep breaths, close your eyes, whatever it is you need to do. And I call this processing your emotions. And it's definitely not the only way to do that. I mean, you can definitely meditate or you do yoga, I think those are all incredibly useful tools to go ahead and process your emotions. And then when you go ahead and breathe out the air. So when you take a deep breath, and Breathe it out, and your eyes are closed. Imagine a heart, your own heart and fill that in your mind as you're imagining it with love. And by that the love could be any color that you find very comforting. But just think of a heart, you know, and think about a color or an image that's very comforting to you. And as you breathe that out, and then you break that and again, keep hold of that image. And the reason why I do this, I practice this myself, is that I think that it really helps you get to the root of that kind of perfectionistic. And I think judgy thinking, like it helps you achieve some clarity, what is the root cause of that type of thinking and feeling? Is it fear? Is it that you're not good enough? Is it that your self worth is based on the outcome of starting a project? Or is it that it feels more comfortable to judge someone else, and then that's you're staying in your comfort zone so that you don't have to start something and put yourself out there and put yourself at risk? Remember, perfectionism is a scare type of action. Right? And we had talked about that. And ask yourself this, do you think conditions have to be perfect in some way? For you to start something, or for someone else to start something? Do you think that someone has to be perfect in order for you to put herself out there? Or do you think you have to be perfect to put yourself out there? What's the worst that can happen? If people reject you or don't approve of you? Because you've started something? You've taken that risk? What is the worst possible thing that can happen? How can you show up and have your own back? Always? And by that? I mean, have your own back? And we had a discussion about this actually, with some of my peer coaches, what does it mean to have your own back, and we discussed this and have your own back really means that you don't seek outside validation for your own self worth, but you look within, and it has everything to do with unleashing that inner power, you know that you are worthy regardless of the outcome of any project or any business you decide to launch or whatever anyone else thinks the disapproval of, you know, your your in laws or the disapproval of your friends or disapproval of colleagues. That inner power comes from within. And you show up, courageously for yourself having your own back, that is you unconditionally support yourself, and you unconditionally validate your own self worth, not anyone elses. So I think that is the antidote I see, to that kind of perfectionistic thinking. And I think that the way the relationship we have with ourselves, that is we're perfectionistic with ourselves and super judgy with ourselves also manifests itself in the relationships we have with other people. Right? I think that it's kind of a mirror relationship. That is that if you find yourself being judgey and about other people and very perfectionistic in the way people should behave, oh, Who does she think she is? Or she should be like this this anytime you say should? And that could be referring to someone else that should raise a red flag Samsung should actually but raise that red flag, you know, should What does that mean? You know that that could be also assigned perfectionism is that there's an expectation that people should act a certain way. According to your Manual, we call it manual, like, we each have these expectations of how people should behave. And that's not fair you're freeing is that that's not very loving, that's not coming from a place of love and peace, when you set all these rules for other people. And when you do that, oh, but, but you also do it for yourself. Right? Again, it's that mirror relationship when you're the hardest on yourself. And you're the hardest, and judging with your own thoughts, and feelings, that also shows up in how you relate to other people, people in your lives, you know, you might also act very similarly to other people. And I think that by a very similar token, when you love yourself, and you feel that you feel that heart of yours with peace and love, and it's just glowing inside, and you feel good about who you are, and you have your own back, and you validate yourself and your self worth comes from within, then I think it really helps you also become less judgmental of other people and that kind of love. Because you filled it up so much to the brim, for yourself, that extends to other people. So I think that's, that's why I think when master coach Brooke Castillo says, aim for B minus work. That's the kind of work I think that encourages you to start something. And it helps you grow as a person. Right? It doesn't have to be perfect, there's no perfect time. There is no perfect person. There's no perfection in this world, right? Again, think about that be minus work, think about just starting it. Think about also encouraging other people when they start something, and they're putting themselves out there. Because that encouragement that you and the love that you put out there is just going to shine back to you. And you're going to feel it and it's going to also encourage you to go ahead and take that step as well. And just be courageous. Deep down, I have always dreamed of pursuing a life coach business from as far back as I can remember. I had a point where I thought I needed to write a book first, or I needed to be an influencer, the right kind of influencer with deep knowledge. I also just thought I had to have my shit together. Before I could coach others, right? Like, I'm one of those people that has a lot of thoughts, which is why I've been through therapy, which is why I've been the use of therapy, I've been through a lot of self coaching, I've been through coaching itself with others. I've read all the books, like I'm always exploring my own mind and in ways to, to be more loving to myself and to others. And that's always been a preoccupation of mine. Also, just not to, I think it's it's to be comfortable with who I am. Right. So I thought that I had to get to a certain level of that kind of comfort. Before I could start my business, right? Like, I'm like, why would people want to listen to me, I'm not an expert. And so when that thought creeps up, and it definitely does, as I'm even doing this podcast and starting my business, I think I have to think to myself, and I really, really had to think to myself, and I think that thought is optional. I know that it's definitely not true, because there's many, many times in which I have shown that I have my shit together. But even then, it's like, That's life, right? 5050 sometimes we have our shit together, sometimes we don't. Right. And I think that what makes I think this coaching that I'm doing so real, because I'm just putting myself out there, I am just like you are no different. I definitely, you know, have not achieved a certain level. And I don't need to write because that again is perfectionistic thinking, This is my B minus work being minus work to me. It's just putting myself out there being who I am, and showing up for myself the way I want to and validating myself worth it you stay where it feels safe. And all you experience are positive emotions. Because it's easy to do that when you don't start a project right? You're not taking any risk. That doesn't help you grow. It doesn't help you learn. It doesn't expand you doesn't amplify your ability to take on all different kinds of emotions. It doesn't enrich your life, right because again, that's the beauty of life is that you experience the range of human emotions. It's also about learning and growing and I see that my kids who are two and four years old, and you see them babies, right? Like as humans, I think that we have this constant desire to learn, and grow and make these huge strides in our life. Right? We don't want to stay stagnant, right? I mean, I think about people I know, who go to extension schools to take classes. And just like, when they talk about it, you know, whether it's about their favorite subject, or even just like, a class that they take on ceramics, or, I mean, they just come alive, you know, because, yeah, I mean, I think they could be sitting at home. But then they want to be learning, they want to be expanding and meeting people and learning new things and challenging themselves. That kind of joy, or it gets to some psych psychology books have call it flow, you know, when you're really in the flow of like, engaged in life and engaged in that kind of deep learning. I think that's where you want to be. And for me, I was waiting to rupture and become who I was meant to be. Even if it meant that I have to endure some uncomfortable and painful moments, which is no doubt I, you know, I think that that just comes with starting any new ventures, right, whether it's a business or book, or when you're just putting yourself out there, and there is that risk of failure. For me, there is no better time than now to launch my business, there is no perfect time, as I said. And as long as I put up b minus work, it puts the pressure off of myself to do a plus work and gives me room to fail, to learn to grow and eventually succeed. The result doesn't really matter in the end, because I'm living a full and rich human life. With all its vicissitudes and joy. I'm experiencing the full range of human emotions. I'm showing up courageously and fully, and growing in the process. So think about a project or dream that you've wanted to pursue what's holding you back? Are you having perfectionistic fantasies about it? The test is whether your thoughts and feelings about it inhibits you from starting, or consistently showing up? Are you encouraging yourself to go ahead and try and to learn and also just approach your own thoughts and feelings with curiosity rather than judgment? Are you encouraging others as well when they take the leap? Because again, like I said, how you interact and how you judge others is really a reflection of how you interact and judge yourself. So if you are loving and very encouraging come from a place of peace towards others, when they start something new, and they put themselves out there. I'll bet you do the same for yourself. So what's holding you back? Are you failing big? Are you failing hard? The bigger the dream, the bigger the risk? Am, I invite you to join me on this journey of dreaming big, do the B minus work, but about Above all, above all, my friends, take action. Get out there and doing get in the ring. get dirty, get dirty with me. Let your dedication to action and to a larger purpose be far greater than your perfectionistic Fantasy, your fear and judgmental attitudes. This is that there's no better time than now to go for it all the way. Thank you so much for joining me today. Again, I appreciate all the time you've given me I know. Every minute is precious. I am just delighted that you're here. I am so excited also to be here. And friends. Take care of yourself. Until next time