Ep. #3: Learning to Manage Your Mind in Your Relationships with Others and Yourself

In this episode, I talk about how doing thoughtwork and learning to manage your mind will improve our relationship with others and yourself. I talk about how thoughtwork always brings the power of control back to you and your own decisions. It's fundamental to unleashing and harnessing our inner power. With thoughtwork, your relationship with yourself is also improved because that love is easily accessible. Just as other people cannot control your thoughts and feelings, they also aren't the only way for you to feel love for ourself. You can love yourself and generate that feeling now. Check out how.

Transcript

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Welcome to unleash your inner power with Dr. Janny Chang, the podcast that helps women from all walks of life use thoughtworks research and storytelling to help rewire your brain and kick ass in your personal and professional life. Hello there my queens. Hello, hello, how are you? This is Dr. Janny Chang with unleash your inner power Podcast. I am just so thrilled to be here. I'm just excited and happy and just happy to be doing my podcast and having all of you around. And I do want to say I want to invite you to check out my website, which is www dot Janny chang.com. That's j A n n y ch A n g.com. And to email me if you would like also, which is Janny, Chang one@gmail.com. That's Janny Chang, and then the number one@gmail.com. Because I'd love to hear from you. So I'd love to hear any feedback you have, I would love to hear your story. If you want to work with me, I'm offering complimentary sessions to see where good fit. I would also just love to hear with you if there's any topic that you think I should talk about in the future. This is a collaborative process. It's a journey that we're both on, and we're learning from each other. So I'd love to hear from you. Please do contact me and reach out. All right, thank you. So as I said, I'm just I'm happy here, I'm just very happy to be here to do this podcast. Thank you for listening to me, I know every moment that you take the time out of your busy schedule to be with me is a moment that I cherish and I am just supremely grateful for. I love the human connection part of doing this coaching work 110%. And so today, I wanted to talk about relationships. Now just a little bit of my life this week, I wanted to just I wanted to talk about what's going on in my in my life. And you know, it's it's interesting that when we think about life, and we in coaching, we talk about life is 5050 50% of the time, we experience positive emotions and 50% of the time we experience negative emotions and you know, even becoming a coach or becoming enlightened does not prevent you from experiencing the 5050 in life. Right. And I think in Buddhist thought, they they think of it as suffering, right, everyone suffers. And they have, you know, the four basic noble truths about life. That's very similar, I think, in terms of looking at life as 5050. And that, you know, you think you might reach a certain Pinnacle in your career or achieve some major milestone in your life. And you think that it will make you feel a certain way, right emotions drive our actions. And you think that, you know, when I get this thing, when I finally get promoted, or I finally buy that Tesla, I'm going to feel amazing. And sure, you may, but it's fleeting, right? And it does not prevent you from experiencing the other half the 50% of life. That is not so amazing, right? That's just part of being human. And that's why I think this reinforces the fact that thought work and managing our minds, learning to manage our minds is so important. And that's what can help us become more empowered, tap into our inner power, really, also make conscious decisions about what kind of thoughts and feelings we do want to have, and not just be reactive to the circumstances in our lives. Right. And so I think about my life this week, my son got sick, you know, and there's been just thunderstorms that we recently moved from Los Angeles to Dallas to be closer to my husband's family. And there's just been since we've been here, it's been kind of like nonstop rain and thunderstorms. And, you know, I also I lead a nonprofit for my full time job and it's a busy time of year. And I'm also you know in the life coach certification program that's been pretty intense lately, because you know, we've had our one of a series of exams that you You know, we were studying for and practicing and trying to launch my business and doing it actually, I shouldn't say trying, but really doing the work to launch my coaching business. And, you know, I could sit here and think, my gosh, this is overwhelming. Life is insane, right. But, you know, I listened and witnessed a coaching call where I was just, I was blown away, I was blown away and inspired because someone called in and had similar kind of circumstances in life. And, you know, her response was to just say, you know, I have, I'm amazing, I've done all these things, I, you know, I'm raising my four kids, I'm homeschooling, I'm running a side business, I'm in this program. And it's like, I'm kicking ass, you know, bring it on. And I thought that is so awesome. That is so awesome. And I thought to myself, when I think that thought, I'm like, yeah, bring it on. Because I am doing all these great, I'm doing all these great things, like, I am so happy to be able to work for a nonprofit that serves this incredible community, I'm so happy to be here with you all, and to be able to like write content and, and talk about things that are so meaningful and important to me. And that I hope will impact you know, lives out there. And this is why I do the coaching work. And I also consciously do my own self coaching, and how, you know, blessed and grateful that I am to be able to be part of the certification program, where I'm amongst the most amazing women just like strong, and, you know, just authentic women who are doing the work, to coach themselves and to empower themselves. And, you know, I have really just wonderful kids who, you know, and their immune system, they're building their immune system, right. So, and this is not to say that I am not at all trying to impose any sort of positive psychology on people, because that's not what I'm about, right. Like, I totally believe in processing our emotions, our negative emotions, and like I said, life is 5050 We are always going to have that in our lives. And we will always have certain types of adversity in our lives, right. But I think that managing our mind is so important, because even just what I've just illustrated here is when I, when I think to myself, and I close my eyes, and I think, yeah, I'm doing all these things. I am kicking ass, y'all, I'm kicking ass. And that just makes me even more energized and give me a little jolt in my body. And I want to hold on to that, you know, that is an optional thought that I choose to practice right now. And on a daily basis. Right. And that's something that also has to be practiced. So, you know, what I do is I put post it notes on my bathroom mirrors, like, You are amazing. I also have this app that does affirmations, you know, so you can actually record your own affirmations like Janny you rock you're kicking ass, or Janny you're an amazing mom. Janny You're such a loving friend. You know, and so I think, you know, I think we think about these things as let as if they should come natural to us. I mean, I used to think that way, like, Oh, I'm just I'm having a bad day, you know? And yes, I, you know, you you do do the work to process that emotion, and let yourself feel the feels. But when it becomes self indulgent is when you all you do is buffer, right? We talk about buffering, like in terms of, you know, maybe just watching Netflix or over eating or doing things that just allow you to stuff your emotions and not feel them, right and just avoid the whole issue, right? Because when you process it, it actually goes through your body and out and you take breaths and all the negative emotions, all the are just physical sensations in your body. And so, I think that we oftentimes think it's like people that are able to reframe, or they manage their minds, that it just comes natural to them, and it absolutely does, and I think it takes practice. And you know, I mean, we try to we go gluten free, we do all sorts of things for our physical diet. But when it comes to our mind, you know, sometimes we let all kinds of thoughts get in there. Right and I think that also deserves the Marie Kondo right, like does this thought, hold meaning for me, like do I want even hold on to this thought, it's time for some spring cleaning, right or summer cleaning. And the mind, I mean, being the most important, I think, you know, vehicle that we have to see and interpret our lives and to express ourselves. It is worth definitely doing some spring cleaning, right, doing some cleaning, reflecting on our own thoughts, choosing our own thoughts, and deciding for yourself what it is you want to choose and what it is you want to discard. Right, because that affects everything in your life affect your feelings, which drive your actions and which create all of that together, your thoughts, feelings and actions, create the result in your life, based on that thought, feeling action. And that's what thought work is really about. Right. It's literally formulaic we, you know, when I coach clients, and when I do self coaching, I go through this formulaic model like circumstance, what is that? Right? That's a very neutral thing that happens in your life. What kind of thought Do I have about that? What kind of feeling Do I have about that? What kind of actions come out of this thought and feeling? And then I look at my results, what kind of results am I creating with my thoughts and feelings? So in previous podcasts, I've talked about how that's actually very much rooted in eastern traditions and in Buddhist thought. And today, I wanted to talk about what that means, in your relationships and with others, and that's also relationships with ourselves, right? So I talked to them about just like the thought of kicking ass, right? I was like, Well, when I, when you feel overwhelmed, and you think to yourself, hey, you know, I'm, I'm actually really kicking ass. I'm doing amazing job. I'm a great mom. I'm a great leader. I'm a fantastic coach. Right? This is part of the journey, right? That takes practice, right? It takes practice, to manage your mind and to practice those thoughts, right. And I think the same kind of practice, and decisions you make, to keep certain thoughts can also be implemented, when it comes to your relationships, and friendships, and about having healthy and happy relationships, that that comes from the inside. That to me is an inside job. And what does that actually mean? Right. So I know that some listeners may disagree about when it comes to circumstances that they perceive to be gaslighting, or a partner cheating or abusing someone. And I think that even in those worst case scenarios, I think that when you arrive at making certain decisions, whether it is to leave that person or deciding to stay, it has to come from a place of peace within. And again, this is where thought work is so important, because in order to do that, you really have to manage your mind. Okay. And that doesn't necessarily mean that you have to excuse what the other person did. And, you know, we can go into another discussion about what that means when you forgive someone and that it's really about you, right? You forgive yourself. This is not about the other person, right? We can't change other people in our model. When I talk about the thought model. That framework is just about ourselves. Like we can only control our own thoughts and feelings, and actions and results. And not really others talk about manuals have people have their own manuals for how they behave. And sometimes we have manuals about how other people should behave. But we can really only control our own manual, right? So even in the case, you know, when we have these scenarios of cheating or abusing or, you know, the decision ultimately has to come from a managed mind. And I think that's the most effective. My feminist Rockstar coach Carlo antheil has talked about this in her own podcast about setting boundaries and that it's, it is important to set boundaries in these situations. And that you're really ready to do it and do it effectively. When you do it from a place of love for yourself. And for the other person. I would say that it's it's essential to do it from a place of love for yourself and peace within that That's most important. Let's not even think about the other person because to say someone gaslights, or what I hear often that someone is toxic, is actually giving them unnecessary power over you and your own thoughts and feelings. And guess what you control your own thoughts and feelings don't give that power away, you own it. Only you, when you take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings, are you able to gain clarity about the whole situation, you reflect on it, and you make a decision that will actually have lasting effects. And yes, we all know about, you know, friends who, you know, have just on a whim left relationship due to cheating or abuse. And somehow they just find their way back to that relationship. Right. In it, I think it means that a lot of times in those situations, they haven't done the inside work, to manage their mind to achieve clarity to finally make a decision that's actually going to be enduring. So I think no matter what, in in all across the board for circumstances, when it comes to relationships with other people, you've got to do the inside work. And that means reflecting, coaching, deciding for yourself what's acceptable and unacceptable when we talk about boundaries, right? What's triggering or not processing your own emotions. And then repeating this process again, until all those conflicting thoughts that you may have are gone. And what's left is clarity about what the future path that you're going to take is, and a sense of love for yourself and peace about the situation. Now, I'm talking here, about really specific situations, right? But what about our everyday relationships? How can we use thought work to make sure we're showing up for ourselves and others in the way that we want to? Well, guess what? That answer is also similar. It is an inside job. In the model, I talk about the thought work model, circumstances remain neutral. But it's your thoughts that are optional. That means if a circumstance is your relationship, say for example, with your mother, or maybe it's your relationship with your spouse, you choose your thoughts and feelings about that person, and about your relationship. I know we've all had friends that call us up and say so and so is driving me nuts, where my boss is making my life a living hell, why can't stand my my spouse? Right? We've been there, right? And I think as girlfriends, you and your girlfriend calls, you validate them, right? You're like, Oh, my gosh, what are they thinking? How can they do that? And you know, I think that just escalates things. So the list is endless, right? We assume that it's the other person who's causing our feelings. Right? But it's not. It's our own thoughts about the other person that's causing our feelings. When you learn to manage your mind, you take back your internal power from your boss, your spouse, everyone around you, and you choose thoughts and feelings that serve you. Now, in addition to developing emotional maturity and relationships, that is not blaming everyone else around you for how you feel, but recognizing that you are in control of your own thoughts and feelings. A fantastic byproduct of thought work is that love is always at your disposal. That's right. You don't have to wait for your partner to shower you with love to feel loved by your partner. Because it's your thoughts that create that feeling. So you can actually sit there and feel loved by your partner right away. And if you don't have a partner, you can generate that love for yourself. Like you don't really need someone else to give you that love. You can generate it for yourself. I'm sitting here now thinking of all the ways my husband shows love for me. I'm also thinking about how sexy he is how much I admire many aspects of his being in presence. The more I think these thoughts, the more I feel, that outpouring of love, but he doesn't even have to be here physically, because the love that I feel from him is within me. And the more I think about all the amazing ways he showers me with love the born my brain will look for evidence to confirm this thought. We can use confirmation bias to our advantage. Now some people might say say, well, that's just being delusional. You're making things up. Right? I mean, because, you know, I, I know that there definitely are a lot of complaints out there about people in our lives, right? spouses and friends and colleagues, and so on and so forth. Right. And so I think one of the critiques of this, or one of the challenges is to say, oh, you're just being delusional. I mean, this is, the reality is that person is being toxic or whatever. And we've heard that, and this is how I respond. Yes. But all our thoughts or stories we tell ourselves anyway, right? When you constantly complain about someone, you are creating a story in your brain about that person. And it's certainly not reality. Right? I mean, you're on the other side of it, saying, Oh, this person is horrible. They're being toxic, and so forth, and so on. But that's also that's delusional, right? That's also just as delusional Excuse me? Excuse me, we can get into entire discussion about what's reality, right? But the fact is, our brains are filtering what's happening outside of us and adding interpretations and meaning to it. You get to decide what kind of relationship you want, and what kind of story you want to tell yourself about that relationship. It's a story no matter which way you, you swing, right? It's a story. So you might as well make it a good one. Because at the end of the day, how do you want to show up to your friends and family and your spouse, with love? Without love? Life is short. So I would think we'd want to fill up our days with love and show up with love. Now, what about our relationship with ourselves? I remember being young like elementary school and thinking that some of the people who were mean and gossiping about others, were also the ones who seem to be most unhappy with themselves. Now, let me just add to that people are complex, and all of us have flaws and moments that we're not proud of. So that's not really what I'm getting at. Because, you know, I like I said, you know, everyone's flawed, right, myself included. But I think when we strive to tap into that love within us for ourselves, it will actually improve our relationship with others. In thought, work, that feeling of love is always accessible. It's there already, it's within us. Why not access it and pour love for ourselves? What might that look like? I watched a video with Coach Judith katan about writing love notes to yourself. I've started posting love post it notes to myself on my mirror. Now, you could also journal or make sure you have time alone once a week to read or do what you want to do that shows self love. I think as women were often socialized to put others first. But what is so powerful about thought work, is that we can create and practice thoughts that will prioritize our own needs, and help us tap tap into our own self love. We don't need others to give it to us. No one not our spouses or friends can give us the validation and love that we should be giving ourselves. That book codependent no more. I love that book. And it made me realize when I read it a decade ago, that I had a string of codependent relationships that weren't even based on love the rather my neediness for their validation and affection. And that should have come from me. So by the same token, if someone is pissing you off, and it could be anyone in your life again, turn inwards? The answer is it's an inside job. It means you've got to do the inner work and learn to manage your mind so that whatever actions you take comes from a place of intention and not reaction. When you're doing the inner work, you'll find that you're less triggered because you know that you can control your own thoughts and feelings. Alright, that's it for now. There's been a lot I've covered here. Remember, abundant love is available now. It's a new, unleashing our power doesn't involve unleashing that love within you. And the more you tap into that love for yourself, the more you will also the more love you'll also have for others. Alright, y'all, my queens you have a wonderful week. I hope to see you next time. Again, please contact me please reach out. If you want to work with me if any of this resonates with you, or if you just have some suggestions or some ideas. I'd love to hear your story and I'd love to also put in future podcasts, any topics or discussions that you may want to have. Alright my queens Take care. Until next time