Ep. #5: Shame and Self Love

In this episode, I talk about shame, what it feels like, how it's normal to feel shame, and why shame is especially harmful to women and folks in marginalized communities. Do you find yourself making yourself smaller because you don't want to make people around you uncomfortable for taking the spotlight? As folks of color, we've been taught our whole lives that we aren't enough and don't measure up to the mainstream. So that's why it's even more imperative for us to combat shame and to take back the spotlight. Shine and shine brightly. I offer some antidotes to shame, including getting pissed and fierce AF (in Beyonce fashion), changing our thoughts about shame and ourselves, and giving ourselves extra doses of love and compassion. 

Transcript

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Welcome to unleash your inner power with Dr. Janny Chang, the podcast that helps women from all walks of life use thoughtworks research and storytelling to help rewire your brain and kick ass in your personal and professional life. Hey, Queens, this is Dr. Janny Chang, and you're tuning in to the unleash your inner power podcast. This is podcast number five. And today we're going to talk about shame and self love. Juicy, juicy topics. And I just want to thank you, first of all, for just for listening and for tuning in and being part of my my community. I love you all, I'd love to hear from you. And, you know, email me check out my website, follow me on Instagram, follow me on Facebook. And if you want to work with me, schedule a free consult with me and and no pressure, no obligation. And just reach out to me even if you don't necessarily want to get into coaching or be coach, I'd still love to hear from you. Okay. So, as you know, from my last, the last episode, podcast four that I worked on, I talked about my birthday, I have a June birthday, I just turned 41 years old. And even though I celebrate it to the max, because I believe in, you know, Carpe Diem, life is short, celebrate it, celebrate those milestones, live it up. And so even though I do that also for my kids, too, because they just love birthdays and celebrations and cake and balloons. birthdays in general are filled with ambivalence for me, right, especially as I get older, makes me reflect on my life, and also makes me think about the future. And something that's been happening is even I'm super excited about my life right now, I noticed that in my own mind, my thoughts get in the way. And I've noticed that Lately, I've been experiencing a lot of shame around my business, and around myself. So I wanted to talk a little bit about what what shame is okay, and how that feels. Dr. Bernie Brown, and you may have read her because I mean, she's just so famous. But I love her books, and I love her ideas. And she defines shame, as the intensely painful feeling, or experience of believing that we are flawed and unworthy of love and belonging, that we are unworthy the feeling that we're flawed, right that we're somehow wrong and unworthy of love and belonging. Now, I'm going to add to that, and say that it also includes the belief that we are unworthy of shining in the spotlight. Now, I don't know that this ever happens to you. But I noticed that I have sometimes diminished myself when I'm around people who are either not happy with their own lives, or they don't want others to shine. Right? I'm sensitive. And I'll sense that. And I'll try to make myself smaller, right around those people. And I'm told that in Australia, there's a term that's actually called the tall poppy syndrome, which refers to this mentality that all the puppies should grow together. And that if you stand out too much, like if you're shining in the spotlight, or standing out for other reasons, then you deserve to be cut down to size. Right. And it's not just Australians that think like that have this term, I think this is common, and in many cultures, and in many groups, right in group settings, that if you stand out too much, if you shine, if you get the spotlight, then you know, you're you're more prone to being criticized and being cut down to size. So, you know, if you get noticed, maybe it's because of jealousy or envy or other reasons. But I think that the thing that I want to focus on here, it's sometimes that we diminish ourselves, like we even with their self talk, or the way that we also make ourselves small, and we don't want to stand out. That's something I think we can control. And we can talk about here. And I think that's very much rooted in shame. So I think it's a harmful thought and practice, especially for women and women, women of color, you know, or immigrants or if you're from any underrepresented group, right. And I can relate to this because I think we know our whole lives we've been told that we aren't enough, right? Like it's hard as is when you already don't fit into them. Mainstream model growing up, right? Like, I mean, for me, growing up in the 90s. And in the 80s, it was like the mainstream model of beauty was like blond hair, blue eyes, you know, and that kind of shifted, I think, as I got older, it became more about curvy. You know, there's there are different kinds of models of beauty that came out. But still, I think, you know, in childhood, it was like that mainstream model, whether it's a beauty or the way you talk or the way you act, right. And in my introductory episode, I talked about even just like bringing lunch to school, right? Like, if you didn't bring, like, the mainstream lunch, which was like a sandwich or some American food, right? It's like, it kind of sets you apart. And I think when you're, you're younger, and you're, you know, you're an immigrant person of color, you're different, you want to just blend in, you know, you don't want to stand out, right. And I think that, that also carries over into when we experience some level of success or joy, that, you know, either we do this to ourselves, or other people do to us to try to dampen our light. Right. And I think that it's extremely harmful, we do it to ourselves. And I'm going to talk about that, but especially for people of color. Right? So first of all I have so I have some antidotes to this. And first of all, I say, call bullshit on this. Okay. So if someone is shaming you, this is where I think some element of productive anger can be unleashed. And it's part of your powerful toolbox to go ahead and come back this you know, get mad, get pissed off. Let that anger fuel you and your choice to stand out. I always ask myself this, like, what would be on say do right? She's fierce. She's like, got it going. She's got the swag. The swagger. She's got it going on. Right claim my rightful place as the goddamn queen. That's what I will shine and shine so brightly that folks go blind. Right? So get into that anger and call bullshit on it. Right? So that's like the first step. Okay. Second, let's get reflective about where the shame comes from. No shame is totally normal. And it's part of being human. So there's no need to shame yourself for having shame. It just kind of goes against the whole purpose, right? Let's Get Real and make a list of the root of a sense of shame, right? Like I told you about kind of the beliefs that I had growing up, right that I was taught by media, by teachers by school, right? Even, even from adults, right grownups. So we want to get to get to the bottom of it get to the root of why do I diminish myself, when I'm around people who are uncomfortable with the amount of attention or spotlight that I'm getting? Is it because I've been taught as a child to hide and not make waves. I know for me, as an Asian American girl came to this country at age five. And my parents, you know, they courageously came didn't know the language or the country. But all they wanted to do was lay low and not make waves, right? That's what I was taught. Okay, so there is that, you know, that bit of conditioning, that bit of conditioning in our in, in your own home, for instance, right? There's also all this cultural conditioning around being a woman in the US like, I think in general, we're taught we're taught to smile and appease others don't shine too brightly. Be a people pleaser, be pleasant, right, women are, are praised for being nice and pleasant, and cheerful. I would list all of these beliefs and cultural conditionings that we've been fed in the society that contribute to the sense of shame. And I would go through each one of these beliefs and question whether a they're true and be if they're serving me. Okay, are they serving you? Are they true? And are they serving you? If they're not, I will literally I would literally cross it out. Okay, and I would go ahead, and I would make a ritual out of it. You know, cross it out, burn that piece of paper or burn that ideagen like tear it up into different you know, beliefs and be done with it, create a ritual rituals are so powerful. I love creating like rituals and ceremonies out of different events in my life, whether it's like a milestone, or something that I want to get rid of right. I think they're extremely powerful. So those thoughts might still surface again, but you can remind yourself that they're just thoughts from your past that are visiting, and they're just going to pass through, even welcome them, embrace them, but let them go their merry way. Now, what we want over what we want to avoid is trying to overcompensate for the shame either by over producing this is a tendency, especially if you're perfectionist, like, Oh, I can work harder than I won't feel the shame, or, oh, by blaming or criticizing others, it's no secret that people who shame you are probably feeling a lot of shame themselves, and projecting it onto you, right? So we don't want to overcompensate by by doing either like trying to overproduce or laying blame on and criticizing other people kind of shame others, right? We don't want to sway to either of these polls. And so that's why being self aware is so important. Be aware, when you have those thoughts and feelings of shame. let it pass through you allow yourself to feel the discomfort, that physical sensation. And so what can you do at this point, as always, give yourself a huge dose of self love and compassion. Remind yourself, I am worthy of love. I am perfect as I am. It doesn't mean that there's no room for improvement or growth. But think of it this way. Even if you didn't improve one thing, or you didn't grow in a certain way, you're still just as worthy imperfect. You change because it's a choice. And because it's part of your journey, not because you have to or you feel compelled to due to internal shame. Think of yourself as a two year old, or as a five year old, and then a 13 year old like throughout the progression in your life, right? As a child, you didn't need to change a thing, you were worthy The moment you were born. So it's no different now even though you're adult, you're an adult, and we shower yourself with that love and acceptance as you would to a child. And as you would to a newer that child right. Now, what, what else does the self love and compassion look like? It means that when you make a mistake, or something happens to you, but you're not proud of, like, say you got fired or rejected, you got fired from a job, or you got rejected on a date, you don't beat yourself up. You recognize that making mistakes and being rejected. It's just part of being human. Like Think of yourself in a Shakespearean or any type of play. Who likes the bland and perfect characters? Like no one, right? Like there's got to be a storyline with the vibrant characters who are living their best lives by having flaws and strengths. And just going through all the ups and downs of life. Right. That's what makes a good story. Your life right now the precious life you have. That's a fantastic story. It's perfect as is make it rich and full of all the drama that goes into a famous play or story. Just don't let the drama be inside your mind. inside your head. Your mind is well managed and unwavering. Even though the world around you could be in drama mode. So remember, you're the leading character in your play living a full life? How are you loving yourself? are you treating yourself well? Are you giving yourself praise and accolades? Are you extending compassion and love towards yourself? Are you carving out me time and self care time? Do you have your own back? Do you make sure to stand out and shine, even if you're around people who are uncomfortable with that. And I really mean this, I really mean this. If you currently aren't, I suggest you find an audience whether it's a group of friends, or that one confidant you have or your kids or whomever I mean your your know your dog. Find people who will be your audience and let yourself shine their talk about yourself or something that you love. Right and that's where you're also be comfortable. But it's it's a starting point for you to expand and grow. And then later on, you'll grow your audience. And then you'll shine even more, right? This is going to actually help combat shame. Because shame hides and shame likes to be secretive. But here in your chosen audience, you're exposing yourself and putting yourself out there. And that reduces the shame and amplifies the courage to be more of yourself and give even more love to yourself. Now here's the kicker. The more love you give to yourself, the more love you have to give to others. That's it. That's the bottom line. It's not narcissistic. It's the truth when you love yourself and abundance. It just grows and flowers and provides this beautiful garden and sanctuary in which you Allow yourself and others to bloom and be more of who they are. By seeing you lead by example, other people also, in a sense, are given permission to go ahead and shine. And that's what you're also trying to do you're trying to do, you're also, you're not only shining for yourself, but you're a beacon of light for other people who also badly want to shine. But maybe they feel scared or shameful for for various reasons, right. So, here's what we've covered in today's podcast. Shame is harmful to women, and especially women in marginalized communities. It just reinforces what we've been taught in society that we are inadequate, that we aren't worthy of love. But we can conquer the shame by using productive anger, changing our thoughts, and giving ourselves that extra love and compassion. We can also find ourselves in audience to talk and give voice to the part that's hiding in shame. We just need to let our own voice come out and all its glory. That's all I have for today. Thank you so much for tuning in. Again, I'd love to hear from you. So please reach out to me. I'd also love to coach you if you're interested at all please also contact me check out my website. And remember to love yourself and be compassionate towards yourself as if you were a child. As if you were your own best friend, right? That's what it means to have your back is that you are your own best friend right? Your your worth is not determined by anything that happens to you. Anything, right? You're already perfect and worthy as is always remember that. All right, my queens. Have a lovely, lovely day and I will talk to you soon. Bye