Ep. #13: Codependency, culture, and the holidays

As the holiday season approaches and people use the buzzwords "codependency" and "enmeshment" to talk about their relationships with others, I talk all about relationships in this episode. Where does the term "codependency" come from? How do we take into consideration cultural and historical context when we  talk about "codependent" relationships? In some cultures and in the historical context, being a "fixer" was valued and was the means to survival. This is similar for cultures and groups with generational trauma. I explore this discussion and provide a step-by-step plan on how you can transform triggers and any of these relationships that you have into a deeper, intimate, and more loving relationship with yourself. This will plan will help you in your journey towards healing and it will save you mental drama during the holiday season. 

Transcript

Hi, lovely, beautiful people. How are you doing? And when I asked that, I really do want to hear from you. So please email me Janny Chang one@gmail.com. And just tell me how you're doing. I'd love to hear from you. So I've been having a very busy, last couple of weeks, traveled to Denver for work from my full time gig. And you know, we've all had colds, I think it's the season for colds, thankfully, no COVID and no flu. 

So I was lingering cough, which you might hear. And our pediatrician actually told us that because people didn't get sick last year very much. It's come back with a vengeance. So we certainly have felt bad in our family. It's kind of gone around to my kids, excuse me, myself. My husband, hopefully doesn't circulate again, back around because I can do around to write your parents. You know, I'm talking about. Anyway, I do hope you are all doing well. I've missed you. Every time I'm not doing a podcast. I'm like, Oh, I have all this content I want to share and I want to hear from people. And I dropped that down. And so this week, because we're getting closer to the holidays. Excuse me, I feel it's the right time to talk about our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with others, and boundaries. 

Now, what I hear from people around me and in the personal development world, is that the term codependency and also enmeshment, you hear these terms, they get thrown around a lot. Now codependency the term actually comes from a alcoholic anonymous, and refers to this dynamic between two people, the alcoholic, or the one who would have the addiction. And then the enabler, the one who tries to fix the alcoholic and save him or her and keeps that person actually stuck in that dynamic. It takes two people to keep this codependent relationship going. Both are equally responsible for this dynamic, which is which is like a trauma bond. And so much of this is unconscious. Right? They're not knowingly doing it. The empath is there, you know, just to fix the alcoholic. And as long as the addiction exists, then the empath has a role to play and an identity. Now, where does culture fit into this? I do want to make sure we take into account context and culture. 

Because psychology is a discipline that emerged in the West tends to consider codependency and measurement aberrations. Right. There's something wrong with codependency and a measurement. The field of psychology extols the individuated autonomous and rational being, but in many other cultures, and not just cultures outside the US, I mean, we're also talking about places in the US where, you know, traditions are strong, like you talk about the South or you talk about also small towns, rural areas, right? That cultures are much more collectivist. Okay, the individual doesn't really exist prominently, except in relation to other people. So
if we just step back and see that it's not good or bad. 

Okay, we can try to understand these relationships. From the perspective of those within the culture, that's first step is to understand, you know, what codependency and a measurement look like to the people who are within that culture and the ones who are propagating. Okay. in anthropology. It's called the EMIC perspective. It's what anthropologists seek do a study and understand cultures, from the perspectives of those within the culture. So we can look at it from the point of view of people that just arrived in the US, for instance, and they may find certain American practices totally foreign, right? practices that we tend to take for granted. 

Many Americans take for granted, right like this rugged individualism, idea that's taught in schools, and reinforced by institutions or in family dynamics, right. Or you think about certain practices, like putting elderly people in nursing homes, in some cultures, that's just unheard of that would be a totally foreign concept, to put an elderly parent in a nursing home. Similarly, when I was in Zambia, for instance, and I lived there for many years, you know, there's very few or little to no homeless people. And, again, it's this collectivist mentality that you take care of your people, your family extended family, which doesn't mean it's not fraught with issues, there certainly are certain issues. But you don't really see homeless people because people, homeless people are taken care of by their family members or extended family. 

Whereas in the US, you just don't see that, right. So, from cultures where the individual is not put on a pedestal, for example, in East Asian cultures, which is my culture, that's based on Confucian mystic ideas, where the family unit right in East Asian cultures is the most important unit of society and ensures harmony within the society in which shame is not considered a bad thing, but rather a form of social control to ensure cooperation and harmony in the larger collective. Right. So the larger collectives, harmony is more important than what the individual wants for him or herself. So from that perspective, it makes sense to have what would be considered codependent relationships and enmeshment in the family. Right. For families that have endured generational trauma like mine, where my grandparents on both sides went through two major wars in their lifetimes. And they've been basically fleeing for most of their young adult lives, war zones. And they struggled just to survive. Right. I know also, many other groups have faced this, where we have generational trauma, having codependent relationships was a major survival mechanism, right?

Like my maternal grandmother, whom I love and adored. And, you know, she was the matriarch of the family and the glue that held everyone together. That was her identity. She was the fixer. You know, as she was involved in everyone's lives, you know, and she was respected and value for that. It gave her power and influence at a time when women didn't really have that kind of power influence outside that home. Her role as a fixer gave her meaning and purpose in life. And most importantly, it was how she could ensure that her family would literally survive, like have food, shelter, clothing, the basics. So, in that sense, being the fixer or the codependent, you know, person who's propagating these codependent relationships. You know, that was actually a survival mechanism. That was out of necessity, you know, now, I'm not saying that that's something you want to perpetuate now, or I'd want to perpetuate and this is where it comes in, right? But first, we have to understand where it comes from, and the context and the culture and societal conditions and history from which it emerges. Right? To understand that first, before we go on to these next steps. Okay, so like I said, understand that these buzzwords like codependency in a meet and measurement, try to understand that from this layered cultural and historical perspective.

Second, what I want to offer you is that we can live in gray areas when it comes to boundaries and relationships. Okay, allow yourself to live in the borderlands as Gloria ensel doula who's Chicana feminist has written about love her writing love or poems. It doesn't have to be black and white or black or white or does have to be it doesn't have to be rigid. An example of black and white thinking is for example, say for example, you know, someone has a codependent relationship with her parents who try to control everything in her life, right, including her college experience. So based on advice from her friends who are trained in psychology, or, you know, she severs ties with her parents and establishes these clear rigid boundaries where she rarely sees them in person. Now that's very black and white. And that's also reactive. Okay? 

So I want us to step back, you know, come from a clean place of thinking, right. And that comes from first understanding, you know, understanding your parents journey, understanding people who are codependent in your life, their journey. And this is not about physical or sexual abuse. If that's happening, please, please seek professional help and get out of there. Okay, that's not what I'm talking about. All I'm talking about, aside from all of that, what I want to offer you is that there is a gray area where you can live in the borderlands. And that starts with first exploring and understanding what other people's journey was like, and understanding that codependency, or enmeshment, from their perspective, from the inside, or cultural perspective, even do an oral history on that person, could be your parents, it could be your aunt, it could be your grandparents could be your close relatives, get them to tell you their story, what their childhood was, like, who shaped them, what were some of their traumas, how they dealt with it, what kind of major events they went through, what was what was it like, for them being in a new country if they immigrated, you know, and being in a new place, you know, and, and what kind of survival mechanisms that they had to come up with in order just to survive, right? And to carve some meaning and purpose in our lives. Right? 

Find out more information, like an anthropologist is what we do understand the context of their stories. This also gives you context for their actions and behavior, even the actions behavior that you do not agree with, right? It doesn't mean you excuse the behavior doesn't mean that you necessarily want to perpetuate it either. You get to decide what you want to do. But first, it comes from a place of understanding, okay? Now, it also means that you hold space, this is where the coaching world comes in, we're taught to hold space for ourselves and for our clients. And so you can practice holding space for that person that you're, you know, examining collecting life history from, that you think, you know, is, is in this codependent, or dysfunctional relationship, examine it from a researchers perspective, hold space for that person, it means it means holding space means giving grace, holding space in your heart, literally expansive heart for that person, not judging, not shaming, neither good nor bad, just understanding. 

You know, maybe someone's parents want to control their life, you know, because they had to struggle financially for most of their young adult lives, and they don't want their kid to go through the same thing. Right. So trying to understand from that perspective, from their perspective first. Now, the next step is then to recognize your role in the dynamic of his relationship. So you have you recognize that there's a codependent relationship or in a measurement relationship, recognize and own that you are an equal participant, whether you're the fixer, or maybe you identify as the person who gets fixed or the victim. Right part of the healing process. And this is hard to hear, it's a hard pill to swallow. But part of the healing process is to recognize your role in it your equal role.

Okay, you're just as complicit 50% of the time, okay. Now, after you recognize that, then I want you to return to yourself,

and ask now, I do want to make clear that also hold space for yourself. So don't shame yourself. Don't blame yourself, you know, just when I say being involved with relationships, or recognize that you have sure you actually have some agency too. So being a victim means like, 

Oh, you are disempowered, but that's not the case here right? You are very much empowered, you are part of this dynamic. And therefore you have the ability to also change it for you. Okay, so this is where it comes in. The next step is to return to yourself and ask, Who am I really, it always comes back to you and your relationship with yourself. Ask yourself, What am I doing with my time? Who am I? What do I want to be? Who do I want to be? What's fulfilling to me? How do I live consciously and with intention? What are my values I always like to jot down the five top values you know, even write a mission statement for yourself. Every year I write a mission statement for myself that what the direction of my life I want to, I want to see manifesting. 

But anyway, always return to yourself because in the codependent relationship, it is always about you, okay, it's not about the other person, because you cannot control other people's actions or their thoughts, right. But you can control yours. So return to yourself and ask yourself what it is you want. You get to decide that about your own life and the stories you tell yourself, including the story about this relationship that that is, you know, that you consider to be codependent or are part of a measurement. So this is where that sense of empowerment and agency come in. Right? It's also about the difference between a conscious and unconscious person. And we all want to try to live more consciously in our lives, right? Make the unconscious conscious, right? That's also what anthropologists do, right to understand cultural perspectives, and then make that conscious so that we understand better our own cultures and what we are doing unconsciously right, because a lot of cultural practices are unconscious, we just do them. And we take it for granted. But to make them conscious is like very deliberate. 

Like, wow, this is something that I can choose to either continue or not. Now, if you identify as an empath, we talked about Empath, and that's a beautiful thing, right? Beautiful thing. Because being an empath means you collect, connect, and relate to other people, especially when it comes to painful experiences, right? And so many coaches are empaths, you know, social workers, therapists. Empaths, right. But, you know, you often hear about people, some of my clients will say that they absorb other people's energies, and they feel drained. You know, and that's when it's done unconsciously. And sometimes even as a trauma response is, you know, we think we're absorbing people's energies. But really, it's a response to previous trauma in our life. And that's something that's the work we have to do is to understand what that trauma was, you know, understand where we were, at their time, understand where the trauma is lodged in our bodies getting in touch with their bodies, right? If that is indeed a trauma response. 

The point is, that being an empath is beautiful, but it must be exercised in a way that's conscious, and so that you are not, your boundaries are not just merging into the relationship, because that's what happens, right? That's when you know, from that you can be burnt out, you know, you absorb people's energies, and you don't have a sense of you and what you need and your needs, right? And that's where burnout can happen and compassion, fatigue can happen. Right. So, being an empath is a beautiful thing. You know, that painful experience that you're using to relate to others. That's beautiful. But, you know, also returning back to you, you know, that's this is about being conscious, a conscious empaths turn it back to you. You know, use these experiences to help you build a stronger relationship with yourself. Again, ask those questions, who am I? What do I want, you know, maybe even after a session, you know, with someone that you find codependent or you find a straining or energy in a client session, for instance, always come back to you maybe even do a debriefing session with yourself and journal about yourself. 

You know, bring it back to you. So healing, in this respect, is integrating all parts of you. The part that experienced pain and wants validation for other people. And the part of you that totally validates yourself and has your own back. Healing means embracing all parts of yourself and integrating that into your everyday life. Excuse me. Now, the next thing, and it's something I've emphasized I emphasize in all my podcasts is to feel an embrace, to feel your feelings, okay. And embracing your shadow self right? It's you know, the part of you even that feels hurt by these codependent relationships. It could also be you know, stemming from the past, right, maybe you've felt unheard and unseen even as a child in your family. Maybe you have thoughts and stories that you tell yourself over and over again, about being in this role of this person who's unseen and unheard. Let yourself feel all of it. And let yourself feel I can't say this enough, because some people will use therapy and coaching as a way to bypass feelings. Right, and they never actually really feel it or process their emotions. And that just, that's, that just goes against healing, it actually delays the healing process, right, you can stay in your head cognitively and think you've healed. But really, you haven't, because healing is allowing all parts of you to be there and includes those feelings that are uncomfortable and what you can what are considered nasty and ugly, right? It's like part of your shadow self, that dark side of yourself. But it still stays lodged in your body, you know, until you actually allow yourself to feel that anger or feel that sadness or feel that resentment, you know, and be okay with it. Accept that and process it, you know, process it by going through the sensations from head to toe. And just talking to yourself in a very comforting way. Like, I know that you feel pain, and I want to give you a hug, I want to give myself a hug. Okay?

So, that healing journey, part of that healing is to allow yourself to feel the painful emotions, embrace our shadow, self, and hold space. Hold space unconditionally for all parts of who we are and our journey, including the dark parts. Okay. All right, all right. And that, that healing will help so much when it comes to you know, if you're an empath, and you feel like you're being drained. You know, it'll also help in codependent relationships right. Now, healing also happens when your nervous system is regulated. Right? I've talked about polyvagal theory. I've talked a lot about nervous systems. But here, it's really important to recognize that if your nervous system, it's constantly feeling stressed, it's really hard to heal and to learn and to, to take on the things that you you get from writing that mission statement and value and getting to know yourself better, and coaching and therapy, all the stuff that you get from that. Really, you absorb that and you learn that when your nervous system is regulated. So that means that you can cooperate, go co regulate, understand that your nervous system needs to be regulated. It can be co regulated with friends, you trust, doing deep breath exercises, you know, and there's some exercises are really fantastic. Pranayama deep breath extra that really gets you in touch with your body. Meditating also helps whatever works for you. 

To regulate your nervous system, finding yourself a coach, a mentor, a guide, any person who's there for you to bounce your ideas off of, and who see the greatest potential in you. They hold space for you in the most expansive way unconditionally, regardless of what you do what you say, they see the best in you. So, however you're triggered this holiday season, remember that you can always turn around and make it about your own self discovery and self love. Return to those questions I talked about earlier in this episode. You know, finding out who you are, what you value, what your mission statement is what you want to do with your time, always return back to yourself, give yourself a huge warm hug and a pat on the back. You can validate yourself. Now, starting in the now living in the gray area is empowering. Because it means that you can honor your loved ones and the relationships that have shaped you while at the same time. You know, recognizing that you want to grow stronger and who you are and in your self love. And when boundaries when you draw boundaries from that place, then it's actually more sustainable in the long run. You will keep those boundaries and you'll feel good making those boundaries. You know, but all comes down to that relationship with yourself. 

Work on that relationship with For yourself, this will trickle to all areas of your life. making other people responsible for what's happening in your life isn't the answer. You can take full responsibility of your life and your relationship with yourself. And you can learn to turn codependent relationships or things that are challenging to you. As far as relationships go, you could turn that into intimacy and love for yourself. And that's the way forward to healing and that's also a way forward to the holiday season to being fully present and being engaged and being invalidating having your own back. Alright, thank you so much, friends. Thank you for tuning in. And we'll see you next time.