Ep. #14: Self-Sabotaging thoughts and behavior

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? " - Marianne Williamson

In this episode, I talk about self sabotage and in particular, how it's tied to our fear of success and failure. How do we stop the spiral of thoughts and beliefs about our unworthiness and develop an awareness of our self-sabotaging beliefs and behavior? I talk about three major assumptions that's tied to self-sabotaging beliefs. I recommend some mental and writing exercises we can do help rewire our brains so that we stop these beliefs in their tracks and focus on a revolutionary and loving relationship with ourselves. Imagine a world where women and folks from marginalized/resilient communities shower ourselves with affirmations and unconditional love and encouragement. What a wonderful world that would be. 

Transcript

Janny Chang  0:10  
Welcome to unleash your inner power with Dr. Janny Chang,

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the podcast that helps women from all walks of life use ThoughtWorks research and storytelling to help rewire your brain and kick ass in your personal and professional life. Hello there friends, I hope you're all doing well. I really want to hear from you. My email is Janny Chang one@gmail.com. You can follow me on Instagram and on Facebook. And I'd love to hear from you. If you've seen my previous posts on the holidays. I know it's a time that can be stressful, and sad for so many people. I would love to work with you. I am doing free sessions right now with clients focus on relationships and stress during the holidays. So please reach out. This week, I want to talk all about self sabotage. And so I came across this picture that someone shared on social media. And it had a list of the ways that we self sabotage. So I'm going to read the list. It includes not asking for help, rejecting praise, isolating yourself when hurt, saying yes to everything, putting your needs on hold, procrastinating on important tasks, and trying to be perfect. Why do we sabotage ourselves, when we know what it means to have a good, happy and healthy life. It's like having a Benedict Arnold or a trader that lives in your brain. Now there are several causes of self self sabotaging belief. And a lot of it is subconscious. So we may not even be aware of it. Right. And so that's why that awareness is so important developing that awareness and being in tune with our thoughts and not believing all our thoughts. A great example I can think of is having to do with money. So I find that with many of my clients and friends, the inclination is to reject making lots of money. Now I have friends and clients who are in the social justice circles. Now there are a couple of reasons to this rejection of money of making money. The first reason is that it's really about a rejection of greed and selfishness. Right? These are values, which are associated for some people with how wealthy people act, right? So there's a sense that I don't want to be like that. And therefore I am going to reject even this desire of wanting to make more money, and everything associated with it. Because I don't want to be like those wealthy people who act greedy and selfish, right. But what this also means is that then I will, I will change careers to make more money, I will ask for that promotion or raise, I won't look for ways to supplement my income. Right? So there are these consequences that come from this rejection of the desire to want to make more money, right? This belief is more explicit, but it's actually based on a logical fallacy, right? It's a thought error, which is that you can actually desire and make a lot of money, but be however you choose to be. You can be generous and kind and not greedy and selfish. There is a choice there.

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In any case, this belief is more of a conscious one, because we tend to be aware of it. And when we're aware of it, we're also knowingly making a value judgment and decision, right. But for some of my clients, if you dig deeper, the rejection of making money is actually tied to another belief system. And that's the notion that I can't make a lot of money. It's this belief that I can make a lot of money, because I don't think I can do it. I am going to reject it altogether. So this is what's fascinating to me, because this happens more than we think. And I know this from personal experience that happens in every area of life right from sabotaging relationships to sabotage careers, right? I find myself even doing it with my coaching business, okay, and it comes down to a fear of success, a fear that things will work out well. And successfully. Our brains are wired to fear this, because it means there's a huge change in our brains don't want change. There's also more to unpack there, because fear is probably rooted in. And I don't want to call it a lack of self love, but it's along the lines of not really feeling like we deserve success, right? It's tied to our sense of self worth. And it's not so much that we may not love ourselves, although that could certainly be an underlying thought or belief. But it's more like the Marianne Williamson quote, which says, Our deepest fear is not that we're inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? Actually, who are you not to be? Now my podcasts and and coaching, I always like to dig deep and go wide. It's like what anthropologists do and I'm a trained anthropologist, which is like observing our own brains and the context in which we live, which shaped us as if they were foreign objects to be studied and examined and understood. Okay, and anthropologists go deep, and they go wide. Okay. So when we uncover our brains like an anthropologist, we might uncover some assumptions that are holding us back and keep us sabotaging in our life. The first that I want to talk about is this fear of failure and success. And essentially, both are different sides of the same coin. Because fear of failure and fear of success are tied to feelings of unworthiness, right? So I would unpack this and ask deep down to if this is something that you find yourself doing, where you're sabotaging certain areas of your life. Ask yourself if you fear failure, or success, or both, right? And so the next question to ask is, why do I feel this way? Do I feel unworthy? And why do I feel unworthy? I would analyze this from different viewpoints. From a family and childhood level. What messages did I receive? That showed me I was unworthy? And what did I do about these messages? Like do I accept them? Did I reject them? Did I think deeply about them? From a societal level? Then? What messages did I receive about my worthiness and unworthiness right now we're kind of moving from family childhood level to the societal level, then moving to key events in life, right? What life events or key events that happened, where this thought that I'm unworthy, started emerging. Okay, and what I would do is I would make a three column chart. The first column is that thought or belief that we have right the second column is then when we write down when this thought or belief emerged, which period in our lives or life events? Are these thoughts and beliefs associated with the third column then is our own scrutiny and allow analysis of the thought now, now what what do you think about it now? Why doesn't it make sense now, how does not serve your story anymore?

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Okay, so that's one of the key assumptions to tackle. Okay, if you find yourself sabotaging in certain areas of your life, the second assumption to tackle is related to the first one. And it's this thought that I don't love myself unconditionally. Right. Now, I know it sounds so cliche and maudlin. But in this world, where we're so normalized, I believe, to use verbal violence against ourselves. And yes, I call it verbal violence, right? Because we are so negative towards ourselves. It's truly a revolutionary act to be kind to ourselves. You know, pay attention to how you talk to yourself. Pay attention to the negative self talk, right? Pay attention to the relationship you have with yourself. I see this all the time with younger colleagues. I work with instead, if you don't criticize them and feedback, they don't see it as legitimate, like the feedback is legitimized by being negative, right. And you might have heard of the sandwich method, when giving feedback, you know, where you kind of couch it in two positive statements, and then one negative one method, which I actually do not endorse. But what it shows is the predominance of getting negative feedback, that it's become so normalized, right? It's almost like abnormal if you give positive and encouraging feedback, right? Like, what if it was that you're human, doing the best you can. And maybe you did X and Y during this project, because it was your first time. But look at the amazing leaps you took and the courage it took to show up and do these other things that turned out so well. Right. And it's not saying that we turn a blind eye to things, or areas of improvement. But I do think, I think in the workplace, and also just in life in general, and more so even for people from marginalized, resilient communities, especially, or women, or non binary, or, you know, bipoc, I think that we have a bias towards being negative with ourselves, right. And in the workplace, there's this bias that your feedback only counts, if there's like negative statements within it. And it's pretty negative, because it shows you got to improve, right, we have a bias for always trying to improve and seeking areas to to improve, instead of saying, If you reframed it, and say this is a dynamic journey, things are always changing. What went well. Right? So it's really just turning it on its head. Okay. And so I oftentimes wonder, what would that look like? What would the world look like what our workplaces do look like, if we extended that kind of unconditional love for ourselves, you know, and to be able to say, I'm going to give myself what I need, I am going to give myself positive feedback, I am going to encourage myself, I'm going to have my own back, even when I'm criticized by others, and I'm going to love myself unconditionally, regardless of what's going on externally. I'm going to love and encourage myself, no matter what, and yes, even in projects that other people have stated, could have improved in so many different areas. Yes, we are always looking for areas of improvement. In fact, in this world, we live in this modern world, there's a bias towards trying to improve to infinity. You know, I mean, that includes trying to lose weight, looking the best you can your image and how you appear on social media. Having that career keep climbing the ladder, it's always a never ending hamster wheel, right? The cycle? I'm saying? What if we could love ourselves so much? That none of that mattered? You know, even if I lose, right, winning is not the ultimate thing. My job my career, what if I don't get the job? I've always what? Am I not focused on always climbing the ladder? You know? What if I don't always get the good grades? What if I fail that test? Right? The list goes on and on. But what if I redefine my journey, and it was really about my relationship with myself? Right. And it was about having my own back, and being good to myself and being kind and looking for areas in which I am succeeding. And I'm showing courage and I'm showing up in the way that I want to, and living my life with integrity, right? Wow.

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That would change everything in our lives. Right? And what if, what if everyone did that? What if all women did that? Can you imagine, right? You wouldn't even have the mean girl syndrome. I mean, you wouldn't have probably bullying at the workplace, if everyone was just so kind and loving to themselves. Right, and they redefine their journey, not in terms of outcome and result. But in terms of the relationship that they have with themselves. Right. And I also think we wouldn't feel the need to sabotage ourselves because the outcome doesn't really matter. Right? Because when we self sabotage, I think a lot of the assumptions as I'm going over right now, and a lot of thoughts and beliefs surrounding that is about the outcome. It's like fear of success of the outcome, fear failure of the outcome. What if none of that matter? What if it was just about the relationship that I have with with myself, and learning to love myself unconditionally, and that's always a growing journey, right? So something to think about, for that second assumption. Okay. And finally, this, this is the final set of assumptions that we can explore. So the third one I'd like to talk about, when it comes to self sabotaging behavior and thoughts, is has to do with digging deep into fear, okay, and especially fear that's in our subconscious. And the key in my view, is to allow ourselves to feel the discomfort. Right? We can ask ourselves, What am I afraid of? Like, am I afraid to have everything I've ever wanted? Right? There's that fear of success, right? Am I afraid that people won't love me? There? Is that people pleasing? Right? Am I afraid that people have expectations of me? I know for me in my coaching business, I've had to dig deep into my feelings of fear. For me, you know, posting on social media, and I've discussed this before is triggering, right? Even doing this podcast is has triggered all kinds of feelings of unworthiness and fear. For me, you know, that people won't like me or respect what I do, or I won't get enough followers, right. And I could also just imagine the voices of my academic friends, saying, What is she doing? What is a life coach? What is she doing, she's throwing away her PhD, right? So I've had to dig deep, and find out the root beliefs underlying my fear in starting this coaching business. And I think this is so important, okay, and I'm still on this journey. So we're in this together, but letting ourselves feel the negative emotions, you know, that that is where actually the power is, right? It's like, we can feel it, we can, we can allow ourselves to feel sad and feel dejected, and feel depressed, and feel anger and irritation, and then move through it, we can breathe through it, we can feel in our bodies, you know, and we can find ways to also process it. And you have a hard time processing emotions, which I did at first. Because I have all this lodged in my body. I think that it helps so much to hire a coach to help you process those emotions. You know, I didn't run away from those emotions, I let myself brief through them. I asked for help, and continue to do so by getting coached a lot. And you know what, the fear isn't gone. And I'm okay with that. I know how to love myself more and give myself what I need in those moments when I'm feeling down. And I know to ask for help, because that's part of loving myself, is to recognize that I'm part of this collective journey, and that I need others, it's okay to need other people to co regulate with, to show me and validate the love I have for myself, and also for me to learn from, right. I love my community of friends and coaches and people that truly love and support me and vice versa. Right, we need to find our people that is so important, right? Where before, it was easy just to sabotage myself. And I just came to this block this dead end and I felt stuck right now. It's like, I let myself feel the discomfort and the sadness. And I'm aware when I'm self sabotaging, and I dig deep, and I go wide.

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Right? And I also allow myself to dream and desire, instead of trying to reject right because I was scared of failing or scared of actually succeeding right? Now I let myself and I read this everywhere, right like in my journals and around my walls is that I want to be a thriving and successful coach and entrepreneur who helps women, the thinking and purpose driven women create the life they want on their own terms, the unconventional life that they want without guilt and shame, right and I am proud to say that I'm proud to also desire wanting a successful business. Right. And so sabotaging it would be like, Oh, I don't want it. I don't know if I want it. This is what I tend to do is when I'm fearing that I'm going to fail. In a way I'm also fearing that I'm succeeding. I'm like, oh, what would it look like actually succeeded? I be a different person. And people would judge me. But then there's also the twin side of that is I'm also, you know, fearful that I actually won't make it oh, that's even worse than people will judge me because I tried I didn't make it, right. But self sabotage is letting myself kind of run through all those thoughts, and believing it and just feeling stuck in staying at this dead dead end like a wall. To me, it feels just a wall. And I clamped myself shut, and I stopped, you know, doing doing things that further my business, right? That's self sabotaging to me. But to me as part of this journey, letting myself feel that discomfort, reaching out, see myself as part of this collective, finding my people for support. That has helped me voice and ride out my desire to fulfill this dream, despite the discomfort. Right. And, and actually, because of the discomfort because it discomfort is good. You know, these negative feelings help us grow, believe it or not, I know, it's like, it seems so counterintuitive to say that. Because, you know, the whole saying, like, oh, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I don't believe that either. Because sometimes there are just times when we, you know, have had enough, right. And we should know those limits, especially from a very trauma informed background. But I'm talking about discomfort with like, you know, trying to figure out what people think, or their judgments of us and, and our own self sabotaging thoughts and behavior. When we become aware of that. It becomes so much more powerful for us to leverage that, and be able to then voice and write out our ambitious dreams and claim it and own it. And that's what I've done, right. And I can allow myself to feel bad that buffering or running away from it. And I can give myself what I need. I've learned to be kind to myself, and love myself unconditionally. And I know that gradually over time, gradually, those eventually become a habit. And I will become less likely to sabotage myself already. I'm aware. And I know when I start self sabotaging, I go and dig deep and I go wide, and I reach out for help. So that's it for this week, I wanted to talk about self sabotage, and how it's related to fear of success and failure. And in the kind of three assumptions to tackle right.

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In this three assumptions, we're about this fear of failure and success, which I've talked about, all of course, tie to the second assumption, which is about the sense of worthiness I have and in my relationship with myself, and whether I'm able to love myself unconditionally, right. And all this is also tied to the third assumption of fear is like, what am I fearing? These are all great questions, to ask to dig deep, and to uncover the beliefs and thoughts that we carry with us. As we dream big, and allow ourselves to feel and also to celebrate, and be occur, encouraging and loving towards ourselves. There's one takeaway for today, I would love for you all my friends, because I see the light and potential in you. And I hope you see the same in yourself is that you are remarkable. You are a remarkable being and there is no limit to what you can do. And if we can just see that and believe it and be kind and loving to ourselves, even as the world tells us otherwise. Right? We can create that world for ourselves, in our own mind, giving ourselves affirmations and love. We can do that. And that's one takeaway from today. Then, imagine, imagine it is a revolution. It is a revolution that takes place. All right, my friends, thank you for tuning in. I hope to see you next time. Take care