Introducing... The Grief Toolshed

#143.  How can we make sure we have the right tools when we face grief? 

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, asking if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

After a short break, I’m back with a brand-new series of episodes. It’s called The Grief Toolshed.

In this series, I’ll be revisiting the garden tools shared by our Let’s Chat guests (from my metaphorical toolshed) and turning them into practical, supportive tools we can use when we face grief. One per episode. Together, we’ll unpack them and explore how to actually use them when grief shows up.

Think of it as building your own toolkit - ready for whenever you need it most.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome Back & Series Aim
• 0:52 What Is The Grief Tool Shed
• 2:28 Origins Of “Let’s Chat” Episodes
• 4:15 Why Tools Matter In Grief
• 6:18 Can We Prepare For Loss
• 8:39 Self‑Awareness As A Core Tool
• 11:21 Tools Are Support Not Fixes
• 13:15 Marriage Tools And Teamwork

Transcript

Claire: 0:00

Hello and welcome to The Silent Why! I'm Claire. And if you're new here, a big warm welcome to you. Are you a hug person? If you are, here's a b ig squeeze. If you're not, here's a polite nod of the head. And if you're a regular listener and you've been waiting for me to put an episode out for a while, then a huge thank you for waiting. Here I am. As you might already know, The Silent Why podcast is exploring grief in all its many forms, not just bereavement. But we're also exploring whether hope can be found in all types of lost. Because if it can, well then hopefully it gives those of you that haven't been through it yet a bit of hope about surviving it when it does. And as well as exploring what it's really like to live through grief, one of our intentions when we started this podcast in 2021 was to help people feel better prepared for it. And that's exactly what this new series is going to be all about. It's going to help you prepare for grief and offer you tools to help you get through it. Now, on the 25th of January 2022, alongside the interviews that we were recording for our 101 different types of loss list, I introduced a new kind of episode. These were called Let's Chat. I created them as a space to explore the many aspects of grief that sat just beyond our 101 lost conversations. I was encountering so many fascinating topics connected to grief that I knew I needed space to go deeper into these. So in these Let's Chat episodes, I invited people with lived experience or professional expertise in specific areas of grief to come and talk to me, voices that I knew you would also love to hear. My first Let's Chat episode was with Sue Brayne, who incidentally was also our first ever guest on the podcast for Loss No. She had bravely said yes to being a guest on a podcast that didn't even exist yet, and we are forever grateful to her. Even if the auto-transcription of the podcast did transcribe her name as Super Brain for the whole way through. The loss interview with Sue on the end of her marriage was a great way to start a podcast on the different types of loss that people grieve. But Sue was also very passionate about mortality and the importance of us knowing that we are going to die one day and how that can help us to live a better life now. So I created the Let's Chat episodes and I interviewed her again, but this time about mortality. And the very first grief tool shed tool episode that I'm about to put out is based on the tool that she suggested at the end of that episode. Now, you might not know what I mean by all that if you're new here. So basically, through these Let's Chat episodes that I was recording, I wanted to collect something from all our guests, a bit like the Hermans that we collect from our 101 lost guests. Check out the Herman page on the website if you have no idea what I'm talking about. So I decided I would build myself a good old metaphorical garden tool shed, and I would ask our guests if their subject represented a tool that we can use to help us through grief, one that you'd find in a garden shed, what kind of tool would it be and why? So every guest gave me a tool that they likened their subject to, and how it can help us through grief, and I now have nearly thirty tools in my shed as a result. They are a brilliant mix of items, from huge to tiny, clean to dirty, practical to luxurious, and I just knew that I needed to share them all with you, in a way that I could also expand on their meaning and application, and that's how this new series of episodes, the Grief Tool Shed, was born. So over the next few episodes I'm gonna kick off this series, and then I might continue it or I might start to mix them in with other episodes like more loss episodes and less chat interviews. I'll just see what I fancy doing. As they say, variety is the spice of life. But why am I doing this, and how or why might this be of any use to you? Well, we all know that grief is hard. When we grieve, it feels like everything we thought was solid has shifted. Nothing feels certain anymore, the world has changed forever, and that is scary. Even the simplest tasks suddenly feel like complicated maths equations. Of course, there are varying degrees to grief, some losses hit much harder than others, but whatever size the loss, there is always grief that needs to be acknowledged and worked through. And that journey can either feel overwhelming, confusing, or even destructive, or it can become a healthy and transformative experience. And the difference often lies in whether we have the right tools and support to guide us through it. Now, like I always say, in the early stages of grief, especially one that's really turned your world upside down, the main thing on your agenda will be survival. And there might not be a lot that you can do in those early days but just feel the feelings and allow yourself to grieve. But as the initial shock fades and you find yourself in a place where you are able to think a little clearer, and this could be anything from minutes to months, it's different for everybody and every loss. But we have discovered that having some tools to help you in this can be a huge advantage in feeling more in control of your grief and therefore life. Over the years, I've actually asked a few of our Let's Chat guests if it's even possible to prepare for grief ahead of time. Bianca Neumann, Assistant Director of Bereavement at Sioux Rider, said when I spoke to her about the adventure of grief, that we often prepare for physical things that happen, but not necessarily for grief.

Bianca Neumann: 5:10

I think it requires that preparation, is that when we have a headache, you know, we're we're now conditioned to go and grab parasitum or hyperproofing or something because we know that helps the headache. But we don't really do that for soothing. We know what we need to take when we need to be alert, you know, and we we go and get one coffee after the other, sort of thing, or when we feel cold, we have a cup of tea. You know, there's that that kind of sense of we already have them in other areas of life, but we don't prepare for those big moments. And when the big moment happens, we haven't got time to really think and prepare because we're in it and that requires enough.

Claire: 5:46

And here's what Katie Elliott, founder of Curiosity Works and Little Challenges, said when I spoke to her about self-awareness.

Katie Elliott: 5:53

I think that the more aware we are of how we think, what affects our emotional responses, what's driving our behaviour, what our values are, what our strengths are, all of those things, the better placed we are to navigate whatever comes up in life. And I don't know why it is, but it doesn't seem to be something that we are particularly encouraged to to develop as a skill when we're little. We're taught lots of things from the outside and we're taught about what's expected of us, but there doesn't seem to be that same emphasis on figuring out who we are, what we need, and and what shows up for us on a day-to-day basis. And without that information, I think it's really hard to cope in difficult times. I think the more that we have like a toolkit that works for us, which may look very different from the toolkit that would work for someone else, the more we develop those sorts of skills and awarenesses, the better place we are to cope with whatever happens in our lives, including episodes of loss.

Claire: 7:01

So I'm not alone in believing that it's possible to put some tools in your belt now that will help you further down the road. And so in each episode in this series, I'm going to further explore one of the tools that a guest has suggested. And this is not to say that grief can be fixed or that loss can be solved with tools, not at all. But I do want us to be aware that there are things out there that can support and help us. Things passed down from those who have been ahead of us, been through grief, things that can steady our hands and calm our hearts. Things that help us live alongside what has happened and allow ourselves time and the tools to process it in a healthy way. Jeff Dunterman said, A good tool improves the way you work, a great tool improves the way you think. And everyone is different, so each of these tools will have a different meaning to everyone. Some will be of use, some won't. Some you'll never need, some you'll never let go of. Everyone is different in grief, and only you will know what you need and when. But I'm hoping that this series will at least help you to think about these things and identify what might most help you in your hour of need. As regular listeners know, I'm married to Chris and we're childless after infertility. We have been through many different losses, and I can honestly say that the tools that we've been given along the way have helped us no end when we face difficult times. Chris and I attended a few marriage courses at our church many years ago, not because we had issues, but because we wanted to avoid issues. We helped to run them. We spoke at the marriage prep courses for engaged couples. We were given so many tools about how to communicate, love, forgive, recognize our faults and flaws, and work as a team. So when we faced financial difficulties, or infertility, or childlessness, or ill health, or family deaths or fallouts, we had tools that we could pick up to help us through it. We weren't grabbing hammers to hit each other in frustration. We were using hammers to help nail down boundaries, non-negotiables, and rules about how we wanted our relationship to work. As the famous saying by Abraham Maslow goes, 'if the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail'. It's the same with grief. If Chris were to die tomorrow, my world would be catastrophically changed. But I'm already aware of tools I can use to help me through it. Purely because of the podcast, really, because of the people I've spoken to, because of the people I know that I could message and say help me. When my adopted auntie recently died at the age of 106, I was able to process the grief of losing her because of all I'd learnt through the podcast. About three years before she died, I visited her and then I sobbed on the way home, and I was able to recognise this as anticipated grief because of the podcast. I knew that at that point she wasn't the same person anymore. I had lost the first bit of her. I also knew that that feeling was normal, and it was okay for that kind of grief to feel every bit as strong as the grief when someone dies. In fact, it's the start of that grief, and sometimes there's more tears before someone dies than when the death actually arrives. I also knew later on, when tears were running down my face when I was visiting her and holding her hand, and she didn't notice, so Chris had to do all the talking for me, that I was grieving the loss and presence of someone I held dear. All things that might have been very confusing if I hadn't learnt about anticipated grief and heard others talk about their experiences of it. This information was a tool for me to understand my grief. We can learn how to cope in grief from listening to others, recognising things we could see ourselves doing and hear how they got through it and what they did, and bank all this information to help us later. Culturally, in this country at least, I think we are too quick to throw away the experience of previous generations, in favour of finding our own way or leaning on newer methods to do things. Sometimes, this is wise, and of course we are all constantly learning and we have new things arriving in the world, but we forget that people who have already been where we are and survived it have much more to give than people who might have just found a new way of doing it but no lived experience. I've been gifted and learnt many tools and coping mechanisms that I will rely on in hard times, especially in grief, and I want you to have those too. But of course, none of this is easy, doing things healthily in life never is, it's not even fun, but I can a hundred percent tell you that it is worth it. And wouldn't you rather face grief with tools to hand in case you need it and know how to use them, rather than being in the middle of grief feeling lost, confused, alone, and no idea what to do or who to turn to, or even if what you're facing is normal. So knowing how to use these tools is just as important as having them, and I'll try and expand on that in these episodes as well. Gift Gugu Mona in A Manual for Victory said this: " Some battles are lost, not because people lack the necessary tools for victory, but because they do not know how to use them effectively." Once we're in the depths of grief, learning new tools becomes much harder. Some might say it feels even impossible. Our brains simply aren't wired to absorb and process new information when we're overwhelmed. There is no way you're going to want to learn about any of this when you're trying to face a big grief or a huge loss. That's why I don't believe in waiting until the storm hits to figure out whether your house can withstand it. Why not strengthen it now while you have the clarity and capacity to do so? Then, when the storm inevitably comes, you'll be able to rely on the work you've already done, knowing you've created at least a measure of safety and stability to carry you through it. So think of this series as a way of building your own grief tool shed, slowly, gently, one tool at a time. Not because you're anticipating awful things and that makes you a negative person, but because you're recognizing and acknowledging that awful things do happen. People die. Well, let's be real, not just people, everyone dies. And none of us are immune to pain in this life. We often live as if someone dying or something painful happening is a huge curveball or a sudden disruption to the perfect life that we expected and think we deserve, but that is an illusion that we have somehow created. Everyone's life contains pain, illness, death, and sad days. That's just part of the human journey. We don't know how many years each life that's been born will have. We are not guaranteed old age. Some don't even make it to a week. And when we accept that this is part of life and equip ourselves to deal with it when it comes, we make the ride a lot easier to endure. So get ready to be armed with your tool belt or toolbox or even a hole shed you can choose. It can be pink and flowery, blue and manly, or paisley and pastels, make it your own. And let's do this together, with the tools that my Let's Chat guests want to give us. In the next episode, I'll be kicking off things with our first tool, and as a treat, I'm going to put that out next week, rather than you having to wait the usual two weeks, since you've all been waiting for an episode for so long. And after that, I'll resume my every two-week schedule. Thank you for being here with me. As always, if you know someone else that you think would benefit from a few tools in their shed, please share the podcast with them. And if you're new to the podcast, thank you for listening this far with me. You can find out all you need to know from the links in the podcast show notes, more about us as hosts, sometimes my husband Chris is also here with me, and our childless story, where we're up to on our search for 101 different types of loss, the full Let's Chat episodes, what Hermans are, and much more. Pop over to www.thesilentwhy.com for the full resources. And I'll end with a quote as I often do, this time from a wise Canadian philosopher, Marshall McLuhan, who once shed (I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist that joke); "We become what we behold. We shape our tools, and then our tools shape us. And we'll be back soon."

Claire: 14:47

And oil be back soon.