Forty AF Podcast
Staring down the barrel of midlife with a bewildered 'WTF happened to me?' Welcome to your midlife wake-up call!
Midlife isn't a crisis but it is worth paying attention too. It's easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of our forties. One day you're living life, the next you're looking in the mirror at a stranger. Sound familiar?
Join me as we dive headfirst into the raw, unfiltered, and downright real discussions about this rollercoaster we call midlife. We're peeling back the layers, reclaiming our identities, and laughing in the face of those midlife stereotypes.
So, buckle up and let's get real about midlife, one candid conversation at a time!"
Forty AF Podcast
Rewriting Our Beliefs and Fears. A Midlife Revamp
Have you felt lost, disconnected, or overwhelmed by the pressures of midlife? I'm Syd Moreau, and in this episode of Forty AF, I share my personal journey through the messy, complicated, and sometimes downright confusing aspects of midlife, and how I learned to embrace change, face my fears, and live a life filled with confidence, joy, and vitality.
Together, we'll tackle the big questions: How can we lead a 'fuck yeah' life, and what do we need to do to create the life we truly desire?
Join me as I dive into the importance of relationships, defying expectations, and rewriting our default thinking to create a brighter, more vibrant future. I'll share how I used numbing and perfectionism as coping strategies and how choosing confidence and taking action changed everything.
Before I would go to bed every single night with this high level of drive and motivation to tap into a different version of myself the next day, where I would get rid of that feeling of dullness and heaviness. And I would wake up each day seriously with the best of intentions. I think we all do. By lunchtime, I would have this moment, I would give up on the aliveness or really making changes for that day. This is the 40 as fuck podcast, where we have worthwhile, real as fuck conversations about midlife. What you're gonna hear on this podcast is not the fluff you see scrolling Instagram. It's the messy parts of midlife. Because midlife feels a little different. I wouldn't say midlife is necessarily a crisis, but it's worth paying attention to. Because midlife has a definite, different priority level. But it can also feel really mundane. And I think that it's the space in between the urgency of midlife and the monotony that's where the midlife awakening happens. It's not necessarily about throwing caution to the wind, but paying attention, figuring out what's working in our life, what's not, where are we creating our own roadblocks and seeing where others are creating roadblocks for us, and even maybe seeing how we're sabotaging ourselves to live a more alive next 40 years of our life. So that's why I'm really excited about today's podcast. I believe what we're talking about today is probably one of the keys in setting a foundation for the next 40 years of our life. You guys know that I talk a lot about regret, how we reconcile the past ones and how we learn and grow from them. And then most importantly, how do we avoid new ones? Because as I've mentioned, research has shown that a lot of the regrets that we will have before we die come from the actions that we take or the actions that we don't take in our midlife. And I also talk a lot about relationships on this podcast because, again, research shows over and over again that the quality of the relationships that we have in midlife has one of the greatest influences on our overall happiness, our health, our quality of life, and our life expectancy as we get older. And much of this research, again, points to the fact that it's the relationships that we have in our midlife that matter. Are we growing in them? Are they fostering a positive part of ourselves and challenging us to develop more of that positive part of ourselves? But we all know that the hustle of life and the priorities of families and the priority of our careers and the relationships that we have, it's so easy to find ways to distract ourselves from that inner knowing or a yearning for our aliveness that we're missing. We can use all of the repetitive tasks and the to-do lists to mask our true desires. A few years ago, I felt lost in my life and I felt sad and disconnected from a vibrancy that I used to have. I didn't really feel seen or known in my life. For me, dulling and numbing became my coping strategy. And I aimed and strived to be perfect in all of the roles of my life. That became the mask that I used to hide my vulnerability. I was a wife and a mom and an entrepreneur and a creative and a friend and a daughter and a colleague. I played all of those roles so well. And they kept me insanely busy. One day I looked around my life and thought, what the hell is going on? It's in that moment when we wake up and we think, how am I actually at this point? And it could be anything really. It could be our jobs or our relationship or feeling a lack of purpose in our life, not feeling seen or known in our life. Or maybe it's just realizing that we're not really having any fun anymore. So if you've ever had that moment, or if you're having it, what I realized is I was continuing to choose comfort and routine because it was easy. I knew it. I understood it. It doesn't necessarily mean it was good. It doesn't necessarily mean it's what I wanted because my body wanted that aliveness, that vibrancy. It wanted to be seen and known. But I was rationalizing my routines and the busyness of my life, subscribing to that continual monotony. And in my mind, I was constantly dreaming of someday. And so always in an attempt to settle for choosing easy. But what I realized by doing that, by living for tomorrow, I was leaving so much living, so much of my actual potential on the table. And that right there, I think that is where regret is born in our life. What's so terrible about regret, too? We are the only person responsible. It's a decision that we're making in the moment, day after day, in an attempt to avoid change and the uncomfortableness. And that's what leads us to regret. And I think that's what we need to pay attention to. For some reason, this vibe of midlife where we direct our energy into pain avoidance rather than directing our energy into things like joy and vitality and having actual fun? When's the last time that you did something that you felt was really fun? So all of this brings me to these three questions that I have been rolling around in my head. And that is, how do you lead this fuck yeah life once there's aliveness? And why is it that we are constantly and continually choosing comfort over change? And the biggest question is, what do you do about all that? I think we see other people's coolness and their confidence, and then we inherently compare ourselves and we think, oh, I could never be like them, but really we might want to be. Or we think to ourselves, how are they doing that? I just don't know how. Or one thing that I say to myself a lot is my life isn't set up that way, or I wasn't born that way. That's not who I am. What I think we're missing when we start comparing ourselves, we're not seeing how hard it was for them to pull themselves out of bed in the morning when they're choosing to be uncomfortable, to make all of that happen. It's impossible for us to always know those moments of uncomfortableness that precede that social media post when we're looking at it from the outside. But we do envy their results. And so for me with this podcast, I really do want to be really transparent with you because there have been so many days that I have had to literally force myself to be uncomfortable. And this entire process for me has been a challenge to be in the uncomfortable. Before, I would go to bed every single night with this high level of drive and motivation to tap into a different version of myself the next day. I was always vowing to, in some way, shake the mundane, where I would get rid of that feeling of dullness and heaviness that I was feeling. And I would wake up each day seriously with the best of intentions, I think we all do. And I would think to myself, like, today's the day, Sid. But as the day would go on, I couldn't quite get past where I actually did the shit that I said I was going to do for me, to become a better version of myself, to feel more alive again. I wanted to make those good decisions, or those different decisions, or those decisions that felt uncomfortable, but I always found myself in those moments, for some reason saying yes when I meant no, or no when I meant yes. I wanted people around me to hear my needs and desires so they could really know me. But for some reason, I would silence my voice and I would keep it quiet just to keep the peace of my life and my relationships. I didn't really want to make waves. So by lunchtime, I would have this moment where I would realize that again, I'm choosing comfort. And for some reason, I would give up on the aliveness or really making changes for that day. What I realized is I was negotiating with myself every single day. I was making excuses to stay comfortable in an effort to not do the work. I didn't value myself enough to follow through on me. Since starting this podcast, I've actually had a few people tell me that they think I'm confident. And when I hear this, I I actually in some ways argue with them. I'm like, I am not confident, but I am choosing confidence, but I definitely don't feel confident. And there is a big distinction between the two. Each time I make one of these podcasts, I am wrestling so deeply in my mind dealing with some crazy imposter syndrome, literally questioning every life choice I've ever made. I'm asking friends for affirmations. But creating this podcast has actually been a really good teacher for me in how I understand confidence and about the practice of being uncomfortable and tapping into my aliveness. And what I've realized, we don't ever really actually find confidence. It's just a choice that aliveness is a choice. Living a fuck yeah life is a choice, but it's most certainly not comfortable. We're actually defying the expectations that we have for ourselves. But in that defiance of those expectations, that's what living is all about. That's the places where we follow through on ourselves. So while it appears that I'm confident and I'm portraying that confidence maybe in some way through this podcast, you have to understand that portrayal comes at a huge price for me because I am betraying all of that negative thinking, all that negative thinking that wants to keep me stuck and it wants to keep me safe. What I've had to do is break my own expectations about what I believe about myself. And I'm literally choosing confidence, but I'm not feeling it. When we look at others' displays of confidence, I think that the biggest gift that we can give ourselves is to not believe that it is really easy for them, that they haven't had to their own level of uncomfortableness to get to that point. So for me, as I've gone through this journey, I really wish more people posted that part of success, that part where they are struggling. That's what I needed to see. Of course, I did feel inspired by displays of success, but when we're constantly looking at other people's successes, what it did for me is it made me feel like I was missing something about myself. I want you to know what my confidence actually looks like. When I go to record one of these podcasts or go to push publish on one of these podcasts, if you could actually hear the voice in my head, honestly, you would hear this nagging voice saying something like, Holy shit, Sid, you are being so vulnerable. Like you're not even on the right path to talk about any of this stuff. You are not an authority on anything. And you definitely don't have your shit together. Who do you even think you are? What are you doing? Do you really want people to hear about this? You are just some ordinary 40-something mom. You drive a freaking Hyundai. Why will people care about anything, anything at all that you have to say in midlife? That right there, that voice, it's the voice that loves to keep me comfortable. It feeds all of my doubts and the fears that I have about myself in a way to confirm the stories I've told myself for years. Being comfortable and staying stuck, when we hear that voice, that's when we need to defy it. It's like that Thelma and Louise moment. It's that moment when we follow through on ourselves. Action is where that change happens. We definitely can't think ourselves out of the uncomfortableness. We really have to be willing to take action towards those non-negotiables that we set for ourselves. So for me, one of the non-negotiables that I have is actually pushing publish, even when I don't want to. What are your non-negotiables? And to answer that question, you have to be willing to be really honest for what you're willing to settle for. And pretty much at the end of your days, what regrets are you okay holding on to? Once you define that, like, are you healthy? Are you choosing confidence? Or are you a person that wants to have more fun in the second half of your life? This list could go on and on. Then you have to decide what does that person do? What are the non-negotiables for that person? I choose confidence even when I don't want to, because for me, I don't want that regret of what if? You guys, for years I would go on these journeys of seeking these intellectual answers of why I wasn't confident. Like, why was I the way that I was? Was there something in my past that made me the way that I was? And honestly, there probably is. I always felt that if I could attain enough knowledge, I could in some way outthink myself or outthink the uncomfortableness of making the change. And I would, in that process of intellectualizing what I was going through, unravel this great mystery of my life. And I think I thought that everything would just fall into place once I figured it out. So I'd go through these periods. Was it my parents or my crappy grades I got in high school that wrecked my confidence? But all of those answers, all the things I came up with, none of them changed the fact that I was avoiding the discomfort. I still wasn't following through on me, but it looked like I was because I was reading books and I was learning and I was going to therapy. I was more committed to the Sydney that did not follow through on ourselves and then felt bad about ourselves than the Sydney that I aspired to be. I feel like I've wasted a lot of time trying to figure myself out when all I really had to do is just sit in that discomfort for a second and act. Otherwise, it was going to become a regret that I was settling for, that I was choosing. What I'm learning is that feeling of discomfort is really short-lived. On the other side of it, though, I'm also realizing that pain of staying stuck in the what-if part of it, that doesn't necessarily go away as quickly. That one ruminates in our brain over and over again. So I think if you are hearing that voice telling you all the reasons why you should stay comfortable today, that is the moment that you need to do the complete opposite of what you want to do. You should take the chance. Because we've become so numb to the expectations that we have at this age, we use these beliefs and expectations to really define our lives. And some of those expectations and beliefs that we hold, they're good and they're purposeful, but definitely not all of them. If you're feeling like there's a limitation in your life or there's a part of your life that you're negotiating with yourself day in and day out, that is likely a belief that is worth looking at. Or if you find yourself looking at others wishing you could be like them in some way, that's probably an expectation or belief that's limiting you. I think it's really imperative that we shed light on what our expectations are and how we carry them, because expectations and beliefs, they're like shadows that follow us everywhere. They may have served you at one time, they may have kept us safe, but if we hold on to them and we don't evaluate them from time to time, they might actually be keeping us from being seen and known in our own lives, not just by ourselves, but others, as I mentioned. And they also prevent us from really reaching our full potential, also lead to regrets. I'm asking you guys, are you even aware of the expectations that you carry? When is the last time that you stop to evaluate the stories that you've told yourself about the way that you are, or the ways it's supposed to look, or the what your relationships are supposed to look like? Are there any expectations that you are willing to challenge or even let go of? If you guys recall from one of my previous podcasts, expectations that we have about how stress affects our body has an astounding effect on our mortality rate. So believing that stress is either good or bad for you plays a huge role. And really, if you're going to live or die from it. And there's actually been other studies that show that expectations of life expectancy in our adolescence will actually influence if we die young or we die old. And there's actually more studies that show that expectations of how helpless we feel as we get older, they can affect everything from cognitive decline to cardiac wellness and strokes. When researchers look at this, what they find is that in MRIs and autopsies, they'll actually find that people with a negative expectation of aging, they have increased plaque in their brain as well as significant damages to parts of their brain, like the hippocampus, which is actually responsible for memory function. So this is not just a theory. It can be seen in a physiological level in and throughout our body. Neurologically, though, our brains are very much wired to maintain predictability of a belief that we carry. It's very primitive. And it's actually there to keep us safe. Like we know not to touch a hot stove because at some point we've probably put our hand on a hot stove. So our brain draws on the experience of past events and people and places and things to tell us how or not to do something or how something will play out based on those past events. It has a very reflexive and an unconscious way of predicting and telling us what to do. And we, through our expectations and beliefs that we hold, listen. We don't really think about contemplating putting our hand on a stove. We just know not to do it unconsciously. Unless we are present and aware of the expectations and the beliefs that we have, our responses will not necessarily be objective. So that voice in my head, that one that's there to keep me safe for some reason, whenever it was written, is there in a very protective manner so I don't get hurt. I've heard it said actually that what we see is based on the past. Our brain does not actually see what's actually there in the present. So what I see when I walk into a room could be totally different than when you walk into a room. And it's based on my past experiences as well as the feelings and the emotions that I'm feeling at that moment. And there's a great research study where they had people look at a set of faces. And people that were feeling sad, shy, or nervous, what they saw when they were looking at these neutral faces, so they weren't really showing any emotions, they saw those neutral faces as looking angry or judgmental. And they only focused on those neutral faces and how they were interpreting them as negative. But in that same study, people who reported feelings of calmness and confidence and joy and some level of happiness, they didn't see those neutral faces as negative. They saw those neutral faces as neutral. But interestingly, they saw something that the other group didn't see. And they saw smiling faces, which were also shown. For me, understanding that my expectations and that way that I have of going to default thinking that accompanies those expectations that I carry, that has really helped me to take action, especially when I'm feeling those dips in my mood, or I'm feeling really nervous, or I'm overthinking something. I know that default thinking or what I'm predicting that I will see is just based on a belief or a story that I've been telling myself. And it helps me to push through it, to take action, and to be willing to be uncomfortable and rewrite that story through direct action. So I take that step. I push publish. I want to leave you with a quote by James Clear of Atomic Habits. And he says that progress requires a unlearning. Becoming the best version of yourself requires you to continuously edit your beliefs and to expand. This podcast today is for anybody that's having trouble getting out of the gate and making those changes. So I hope you guys have enjoyed it today. I am looking forward to the next podcast of 40 as fuck.