Two Twits and Twain Podcast
Brace yourselves. There is a rumor that Mark Twain himself has reincarnated - at least in the studios of Two Twits and Twain. Are the rumors of his appearance just as errant as once were the rumors of his death?? Tune in to find out!
Two Twits and Twain Podcast
Imagination and Humor! (and, uh, Mark’s singing lessons?)
Mark arrives early and unlocks the office door. (We didn't know he had a key!) Then, it's all about imagination and the sense of humor. Finally, Mark wants to talk about singing again - how can we change the subject??!
Hello? Hello? Well, it's not often that I have the opportunity to actually use my key. Where is everybody? Oversleep? Oh, wait, you have this stupid thing called daylight savings time, whatever that's supposed to be. So I'm probably early. Too bad. Well, I do know how to turn on the mic, so I might as well talk about something. Maybe something that the two twits know nothing about. When I was a boy, There was but one permanent ambition among my comrades in our village on the west bank of the Mississippi River. That was to be a steamboatman. We had transient ambitions of other sorts, but they were only transient. When a circus came to town, it left us all burning to become clowns. The first Negro minstrel show that came to our section left us all suffering to try that kind of life. Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates. These ambitions faded out, each in its turn. But the ambition to be a steamboatman always remained. Piloton on the Mississippi River was not work to me, it was play. Delightful play, vigorous play, adventurous play, and I loved it. Oh, I wish I was back there, Piloton, up and down the river again. Verily, all is vanity and little worth, save Piloton. Hey, Mark, what the hell are you doing here so early? Well, twit number one, I don't quite know about this daylight savings time you guys seem to worship, so I thought I'd talk a bit about something you gents don't know much about.
SPEAKER_00:Mark, we just happen to be really, really late. Just so you're aware, there are two states that do not worship this strange time shift, Arizona and Hawaii. And pray tell, what don't we know much about?
SPEAKER_02:Have
SPEAKER_00:either of you
SPEAKER_02:ever captained a Mississippi steamboat? I did, and loved it. The best part of my childhood. Oh, and I always did like Hawaii. Why don't we move there instead of hanging around in this cold Colorado climate? Mark, I don't think you'd have much of an argument on that subject. The problem is, we're all set up here. And to move and reestablish ourselves in a different state would require lots of hassle and expense. So let's just stay here. And perhaps pretend we're in Hawaii. You mean use our imagination? Why, yes. I suppose so. Now, isn't imagination a precious thing? It peoples the earth with all manner of wonders. Strange beasts and birds. Angels. cherubim and seraphim, and it has to be exercised. No child should be permitted to grow up without exercise for imagination. It enriches life for him. It makes things wonderful and beautiful. That sounds like the kind of world I'd like to live in. Then make certain you don't go off and take this quote to heart. It is better to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain. Hmm, I think I'll have to ponder that for a bit. In the meantime, twit number two, what's on our official calendar for this podcast?
SPEAKER_00:Well, I don't know what you two think, but I'm kind of infatuated with this imagination thing. You think we could expand on that a bit? Okay,
SPEAKER_02:well, I'm imagining that I'm on a spaceship headed for Mars.
SPEAKER_00:Hey, Doc, in case you haven't been listening to the news lately, there is a fellow named Elon Musk who happens to have lots of money, and he has a goal of going to Mars someday. Don't know if he'll ever make it, but he has big plans and a very vivid imagination. I
SPEAKER_02:was just kidding. Don't think I'd ever be able to come back, and I have too much that I want to do back here on this planet. Like what? Well, first of all... to be able to more fully understand and appreciate the way you make people laugh and the clever method you have in conveying your thoughts. My dear twit number one, that is relatively simple. All you gotta do is develop your sense of humor. The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindness, your scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture. He takes it upon himself to be the weekday preacher.
SPEAKER_00:Mark, I've known lots and lots of preachers, all of whom were gifted with the ability to preach during the week as well as on Sunday. However, I can't recall if any of them had much of a sense of humor.
SPEAKER_02:And that, my dear twit number two, is where they fell short. Here are two short quotes that I've lived by my whole life. I suggest you try it. One against the assault of laughter. Nothing can stand. And humor is mankind's greatest blessing. But the most important ingredient in any piece of humor is simply this. The humorous story is told gravely. The teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it. Well, I don't know about you, twit number two, but I feel like I just attended a doctoral thesis on how to make people laugh.
SPEAKER_00:You said it, twit number one. This podcast might just have to take a singular place in our podcast repertoire. Is there anything else about humor or the imagination that you'd like to share with us, Mark? Nope. Don't want to be boring.
SPEAKER_02:Mark, if you're concerned about being boring, where the hell does that leave you and me, twit number two?
SPEAKER_00:Let's not go there, twit number one. Instead, let's talk about something we all enjoy. You
SPEAKER_02:mean girls?
SPEAKER_00:Yes. I mean, no. Silly. We've passed those days. Well, mostly. Besides, we have a little different attitude now than we used to. Thank God.
SPEAKER_02:What about food?
SPEAKER_00:We all love eating. Yeah, but none of us enjoys the
SPEAKER_02:fattening results. How about music? Now that sounds good. As long as it's one of your fabulous formaldehyde songs. Hey, I've got just the song. We sing a wee bit about food, but mostly it's about what good theater is all about. Exciting as hell. On Broadway.
SPEAKER_00:Play it, Doc.
UNKNOWN:Do, do, do, do, do.
SPEAKER_01:They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway They say there's always magic in the air But when you're walking down the street And you ain't had enough to eat The glitter rubs right off and you're nowhere They say the women treat you fine on Broadway But looking at them just gives me the blues Cause how you gonna make some time When all you got is one thing down And once in time won't even shine your shoes.
UNKNOWN:Do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do.
SPEAKER_01:Do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
UNKNOWN:Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
SPEAKER_01:They say that I won't last too long on Broadway I'll catch a Greyhound bus from home, they all say But they're dead wrong, I know they are, cause I can play the And I won't quit till I'm a star on Broadway Yes, I won't quit till I'm a star on Broadway No, I won't quit till I'm a star on Broadway
SPEAKER_00:Mark, it's all done. Enough already.
SPEAKER_02:Just love those guys and their catchy tunes. Why, I could almost imagine myself singing right up on stage, on Broadway. Well, I don't think there's an imagination big enough in the world to imagine that.
SPEAKER_00:Hey, I've got a new witticism. Against the assault of Mark's singing, nothing can stand.
SPEAKER_02:Now, boys, very funny. I know you're just fooling with me. I couldn't be that bad. Well...
SPEAKER_00:Hey, Doc, nice weather we've been having.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, Clark, really nice.
SPEAKER_00:What's the forecast for tomorrow?
SPEAKER_02:Hey, fellas, I know what you're up to. I don't think you think much of my singing. Who, us? Mark, what a thing to say. Maybe just a little more work with that Luciano fellow up in wherever you come from might be good. Though, you know, a bit more polish. Well, I'm not convinced. But I'll get him to help me a little bit more.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah, do that, Mark. For all our sakes.
SPEAKER_02:Well, I better get up there then, wherever I am. But I'll be back, enjoying my time here, despite what you've been saying. With you two twits.
SPEAKER_00:We love having you here. You must know we love you. The way we rib you. See you next time. And don't be a stranger. As if there could be something stranger. The twits love you. Bye for now.
