Parenting your young adult children with Barb Hatfield

Parenting didn't come with manuals, and if you thought it would get easier as they got older..............boy were you wrong.

Parenting young adults doesn't have to come with headache and confusion. Barb Hatfield is an expert at teaching her clients how to parent with grace. In this episode, she shares with me her tips that are necessary for raising your emerging young adult children. She teaches her clients how to change the way they are parenting so that launching your young adult children into the world doesn't have to be a struggle.

Connect with Barb: Barbhatfield.com

Connect with me: Kristi Falany Coaching.com

Thanks for listening. Follow me in Facebook and Instagram.

Transcript

Hi, I am Kristi Falany. I am a certified life coach who found herself at 42 freshly divorced kids off to college, and having never dated in my adult life, I was starting in the middle. If you haven't yet hit start on your middle time in life. Let's do it together. Let the journey begin.

Hello my friends. Welcome back to the podcast. Today I have a very special treat for you. I have my friend Barb Hatfield. Um, her and I have collaborated and, um, on a couple of projects, and I also met her at one of the retreats that I did with my own personal coach and. I just found that we just have really started this great friendship and um, and you know, we're both coaches, we're both entrepreneurs and.

Her program and her messaging has been such an amazing inspiration for me, and so I wanted her to be able to come on and share, um, what she does with you as well. So, Barb, why don't you go ahead and tell our listeners exactly what type of coaching you do and what your program looks like. Yeah. Thanks so much, Kristi for that nice introduction.

It was really nice to meet you and I love seeing you on our weekly calls as well. Yeah. So I'm Barb Hatfield. Um, I got certified as a life coach back in 2020 when I'm, I'm really your niche person too, like mid the late fifties. Mm-hmm. And I decided I have, I was always home with my kids full-time doing some consulting and I thought, It is time for me to invest in myself, cuz now that I'm at my well, You know that my midlife ages, I have lots of time to devote to coaching.

So I coach, um, moms who are transitioning parenting from raising the young kids to that mid to late teenage years. So my kids are 25 and 27. Mm-hmm. So I have been through these years and, you know, really just helping moms build the bond with their child. So a bond means you'll be able to guide them better.

So, and then I love the idea of a coach. There is no filter needed to really be honest with what's going on, cuz so many times it's so hard to talk to your friends or family because you can't be brutally honest or your fear of judgment. So it's like just a different brain to figure out a solution to their, their situation.

Yeah. You know, and because one thing that, um, that I definitely notice is that, Every family situation looks different, you know? Um, personally for me, um, I'm in my second marriage and, um, My husband had young adult children and I had young adult children. And for us to, you know, kind of combine that and see how different the family dynamics were, you know what?

What his relationship was with his kids. And then my relationship with my adult children, you know, was so completely different. And so, um, I love what you do because of that fact, you know, because each family situation does look so different. Yeah. And I'm in that same boat also. Second marriage. My husband has three kids that are older than mine.

And, uh, you know, we all have a good relationship, but, um, you know, obviously I've raised my kids from the day they were babies and mm-hmm. Um, you know, we just have a good relationship, um, you know, with everybody. But yes, that's definitely blending families and depending on what stage you're at, is.

Definitely, um, you know, sometimes can just take a little thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. So, um, a couple of things that I wanted to ask you. Um, Given the fact that, you know, when we're in situations like this, you know, everyone, um, has different dynamics. Um, do you find within your clients that there's like one overall theme?

There's like one, you know, big complaint that, um, the, the, the people that you work with have. Yeah. Um, it's definitely a theme of, you know, teens who want independence to do things, their way to figure things out. And parents have that, you know, kind of, at least for me, that innate, um, need to help them not make the mistakes that we might've made or things that I have learned along the way.

You know, in my years of life. So everyone wants control. So, and that can create lots of frustration and tension. So the key to coaching could just be, to help figure out a way to deal with this, um, to, to, to build that bond. Cuz to my, in my ideas, if you don't have a bond with them, then you lose a lots of control.

So also no parent wants to, um, you know, coach with like forced control that's just never gonna be, you know, very successful to build connection. Mm-hmm. And I know for me, like he, you know, saying a consequence and then being able to, um, give that consequence like that definitely is. You know, that can take, um, uh, you know, just a lot of practice.

So it's easy to have the hard, like, if you do this, then this is gonna happen. But you have to be able to impose those consequences. So I do think teens want a connection with their parents and just working on that relationship. Um, it just, Uh, it can just help everyone get along and figure out where everyone's coming from.

Mm-hmm. And, and certainly this tension can lead to parents sometimes being on two different pages, so then the tension with the kids or a child and teen can then be brought to the relationship. So mm-hmm. That can be kind of, kind of tough. So, um, yeah. And I just think a connection is gonna be the best way to guide, um, Yeah, I had written down something like just thinking about drinking or smoking.

Like you wanna know what your teen is doing, but if you don't have any connection with them, then they're just not gonna tell you, and then you're not gonna really know what's going on, so, right. Yeah. Yeah. Figuring out a way for connection is key. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because I know that sometimes, you know, um, as our teens are getting older, you know, we want to give them more independence, you know, because, because it is helpful for us as well, you know, I mean, because I remember, you know, being that hockey baseball mom that, you know, was taking them from place to place to place.

You know, back and forth to practices and school and things like that, that once they started to get older, you know, I wanted to give them more independence because it started to take some of the things off of my own plate, right? Mm-hmm. But then, like you said, you know, you still even. Even though you're giving them that little bit of independence, you still have to have that bond, right?

Yeah. And independence is certainly essential, cuz at some point they're going to be on their own. So you want to be able to influence them and build that connection when they're young. And, you know, have some input into their life. But yes, at some point we have to loosen the reins and let them make some mistakes.

Like if they go to school without a coat, well that's not the worst thing, so, right. You just kind of wanna test your abilities to give them, you know, more autonomy from stuff that really doesn't matter. If they're cold one day, nothing bad is gonna happen. But yeah, they're obviously. Um, you know, some other situations that you don't want them to have to get into.

Um, that could be more life altering. Right. Right. And um, and something else that, that I noticed for myself too is that, you know, Even though I was, you know, allowing them that little bit of independence, I believe that I still parented the same way, you know, up until they were ready to get off to college.

Mm-hmm. And I think that the hardest part for me was recognizing that my relationship needed to change with them and the way that I parented. You needed to change. Yes, and that's exactly my niche because you can rule with an iron fist, but that is not gonna be successful for most people. And, um, And I just thought too, like not micromanaging them.

Like I said, my kids are 25 and 27, so now, and I'll even joke with my daughter, like, oh, I, I didn't give you like my 2 cents, which, you know, yeah. Capable of doing. So I just have to learn like, all right, let me just be quiet and ask them the questions about how they're, um, you know, how do they think they're gonna solve it?

Because when kids are little, I know my way was like they had a problem, they asked for a solution and I gave it. Mm-hmm. And then life moved on. But obviously you as a kid gets older, like they're gonna wanna make their own decisions and you do have to kind of change the way you parent them. Yeah. Yeah.

And that was, um, that's one of the, one of the topics that I kind of hit on, um, with my clients as well, you know, is how much your relationship and your parenting does have to change. You know, that it's almost a transition from, you know, as they're getting into their later, you know, later teen years. Where they're getting ready to head off to college, you know, and they want that independence.

And so I had to, you know, transition myself into where I wasn't, like you said, giving my 2 cents or, um, offering a solution, you know, when it was that they really just needed someone to bounce ideas off of. Yeah, that's definitely the skill needed and that's part of that transition is when they get older and, and you are really becoming their friend.

Once they're at a point where they're taking care of themselves or even in college, like, you know, you, you, you are their parent, but learning how to be, um, you know, to me like a friend, that's not a bad thing. You don't wanna be your 10 year old's friend because you have to be their parent first. Yeah.

Yeah. That's kinda the, the nice part of building that relationship. So then you do have them in, in their, in, you know, you're in their life. Um, and then two, as they get older, when you've built that connection, I mean, I'm a big assistant and so is their dad about giving them, um, budgeting advice. Like I just, we've always insisted like the credit card has to be paid off every single month, or you're gonna be paying for that fast food lunch for its six months, and that is just mm-hmm.

And that will just set them up forever. So. Um, you know, my kids do talk to me a lot about stuff and more so my son. Mm-hmm. Um, just talking about the budget and listening to them like, well, your gas bill was high this month. Well, why was that? Like, what are you gonna do about that? Like, cuz you do really get to a point, you cannot control what they're doing.

Uh, especially once they go living on their own or even if they are in college, like you have to trust that you have trained them enough. So, um, yeah, so budgeting is something really big that I've given them, you know, my mm-hmm. My thoughts on and they're willing to listen. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and I have heard.

Through my, through different clients and different friends, you know, um, different cases where, you know, the young adults are staying home longer than they would have, you know, even in, in our past, you know, so in some of them, you know, are staying longer, even past they've finished college. So what is your advice to those parents who struggle with that?

Yeah, I think. I wouldn't mind. And you know, my kids did spend some time home after, uh, college or once they were working, and I, I don't have a problem with that as long as they're the child. The young adult isn't acting as if like that it's our obligation to provide them a free place to live forever when they're out making money.

And that's, you know, it's definitely not helpful to have a kid at home making money thinking they can spend whatever they want and they don't have to cover a lot of basics, cuz eventually that child is gonna move out. And there's a lot of fixed expenses these days. Like kids get used to Spotify, the streaming services, you know, internet, um, you know, paying rent.

Car insurance and having a car payment and train tickets if they don't have a car. Mm-hmm. You know, gas and you know, meals out. So if they're living at home, you know, some parents do collect rent and either use it for the expenses or collect it and then give it back to them later. It really is, it just depends up to that family.

But I really think just a general respect. From the child to realize like, all right, the you're, especially once they went to college and are working and mm-hmm things are more expensive these days. So just having that respect that it's not just, uh, you know, everything's not just free to you and you get to just live.

You know, gloriously. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that, that, um, that is a, a big thing in, um, and, and again, you know, it all depends on what the parent is comfortable with. Mm-hmm. Um, I know just from my own experience, um, It was important to me that they understood, you know, what responsibilities were going to look like once they moved out of my home and, you know, off into the, and doing their own things so that it wasn't just, you know, just like a big cluster of.

Oh my gosh. You know, I have to pay this bill by this time and, you know, and I'm responsible for this. You know, so it was really important for me that my children had experience with that, you know, before they went off into the world. Right. Um, yeah, and I just wanted to add to that, like when a ch a young adult are living at home, there's gonna be a mutual respect of time and space.

Mm-hmm. You know, that parents don't have to feel obligated to cook dinner for everybody. Like sometimes, you know, especially moms got used to when their kid was away and all of a sudden the kid is home and yet, like the mom might have a four or five o'clock yoga appointment and or just wants to exercise.

So, um, there, there just has to be that mutual respect is like, all right, well, Make yourself some dinner. Um, maybe even buy your own food, even if, um, you know, so it doesn't become your responsibility Yeah. To still put a meal on the table. Like, oh, I can't work out cause I have to provide a meal. Like, once a kid is a certain age, like they can definitely take care of themselves.

Another great idea if a child stays home and is making money, and if you're not charging them any of their, you know, any rent, um, A nice thing that you could really set them up for is to have them, require them to do a Roth i r a. So when they're young, they can put money, save some money aside, and that will just really set them up for life.

So, um, yeah. Yeah. So that just is like that compounding years because eventually when they do move out and then if they buy a house, like the expenses are gonna really rack up and they might be, be more difficult, but if it can get them started at a young age. Then that can just compound even if they don't, uh, add to it.

Yeah. I love what you're saying about, you know, having expectations and responsibilities, you know, because again, at the same, at, at the same time, they are back in your environment, you know, and like you said, when they went off, new routines may have happened. And I think that sometimes, you know, for, especially for US women, is that we.

We kind of go one of two ways. You know, we either, yes, stick to our guns and say, okay, this was, this is my new routine, these are my new expectations. Or two, we drop back into that mom mode. Mm-hmm. We drop back into the old patterns, the old routines of not doing for ourselves and not taking care of ourselves.

And like you said, you know, Making sure dinner's on the table, this, you know, whatever it is, whatever those old mothering parenting routines were. Mm-hmm. Um, yeah. And I just wanted to say too, like not being the people pleaser and going back into that mommy mode, like they have no abilities. Mm-hmm. Like you doing your own thing can show your daughter, like, here, this is not your job.

Like when you're in a relationship, Or even, even if it's just the mom and the kids, like, this is not your job to take on these tasks. And it can show the boys too, that if they choose a partner later on or even a roommate, friends, yeah. Like, you know, there is no defined roles of who's got to do what. And so yeah, it just, I think it just shows like, um, you know that the moms, no matter what they did before the child was earning money.

We like that they also have a life too, right? Yeah. It models for them, um, what life could look like in their future and that they actually have choices in that, you know? Yeah. Um, I know for me that I had. One child that was very ambitious, very excited to get out into the world. Mm-hmm. And I had another child that was more of an introvert, um, extremely smart, um, but was less inclined.

You know, to have that excitement for, hey, what's the next thing, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I was reading on your website and I found this phrase, failure to launch. Mm-hmm. So talk to our listeners about that. Yeah. Yeah, that's a movie too. I meant to Google. Um, but yeah, so that's kinda like, uh, when I was playing tennis last year, I ran into someone who saw what I did and, and, and he, and it was the dad.

And he's like, oh my gosh. Like we are just having a, a kind of a challenging time. Like the, he had two girls and they were both in college. And, and then sometimes even just dealing with a certain level of disrespect and really needing to put down like the rules. Um, yeah. So I mean, parents have that worry about failure to launch if the child comes back and you don't see them, like if they don't get a job right away or then you feel like you're a life.

Kind of stopped because now you have a child home and mm-hmm. You're feeling like I just can't be as free and all right, when is this child going to be able to move out? Um, so I, I think you just really have to have a. Um, you know, it set the expectation of what the behavior's gonna be and certainly being productive and working like, you know, once you're out of high school or college mm-hmm.

Eventually you have to earn a living to support the sort of lifestyle that you're looking for. Um, and, um, yeah, you just don't want to make it so cozy that they get to live in the basement and. You know, do and just have massive disposable income to do whatever they want. Cuz eventually that's not going to be, um, you know, possible later when they eventually move out.

Yeah. Yeah. There's been a couple of times, um, The last, over the last 6, 7, 8 years, have you, you know, um, since my daughter has graduated college and, um, she has earned multiple degrees, you know, she, um, has her degree in chemical engineering and then she wasn't crazy about that field, so she went back and, and, um, did, um, her, got her master's in accounting.

I mean, just an extremely. Smart young lady, you know, and there have been a couple of times where just circumstances have happened that she's, you know, had to come back home. Mm-hmm. And I love having my kids home. I do. Hmm. But at the same time, I also love my freedom and my routines and um, you know, and things like that.

And so there have been times when I have had to say, you know, I love having you here, but it's time, you know, for you to move on what to whatever the next step is. You know, it's time to, you know, um, get these circumstances in order, you know, type thing. Um, and so, I've noticed that there seems to be kind of a shift in family dynamics.

Mm-hmm. Where more adult children are moving back in with their parents. Right. Yeah. So what are your thoughts on that? Yeah. And again, it all comes down to if a child has to, you know, has graduated or after high school gotten a job and earning money, like where I live in the Northeast, rent is definitely pretty expensive.

So for $1,800, that's gonna be like the bare bones. If you go any lower, it's just not gonna be a great place to live. Yeah. And really goes up. Probably closer to 2,400. So, you know, and then you have college tuition payments that the child has to pay if they took out loans. And so it definitely can take a few years to gain traction.

Mm-hmm. So again, this is where you need strict rules. And I would be totally like, here, how much money are you making? What are your expenses? These are the things that I'm covering that you're not covering yet. So then they get a true picture. So you have their. Just a lot of close work, and if a child has to be willing to be open and listen to you, otherwise, you know, that's not gonna work to be paying a lot of bills.

So I think it's really important to, um, figure out a way, like a, just a timeline. Like, all right, let's see. And you must be saving money if you're gonna live here for a year and you're. Again, you're not spending probably as much on the expenses as you will be. So the fourth savings, and I know we've had access to, you know, our kids' bank accounts, like how much do you use savings?

So you don't mind as much if you see the bank account going up. Preparing them to be able to go. Um, yeah, so it's definitely, and maybe, um, whether they live on their own or with other people, it, the prices of things are definitely, um, can be, um, you know, make it difficult. Yes. But I just look at it is the every year that they spend with you, or even every month, Is that savings must occur.

Otherwise there's gonna be huge resentment if you are SUP Supply supplying all of the bills paid, and then they're not respecting you, so there is no obligation to have them under your. Care forever, right? Yeah. Yeah. So again, it just basically comes down to setting clear boundaries. Mm-hmm. Making sure that everyone, you know, has communicated their expectations.

Um, and that we, you know, we all have that mutual respect and understanding of. Where we would like to see you go in the future. Yeah. And, and again, you know, it just all comes down to the boundaries that you set. Yeah. And, you know, and, and I always tell my clients, you know, this is a choice. You know, it's not something that you know, that you are obligated to do.

Mm-hmm. Um, If you, if it, if you have it in your means and it does fit into your lifestyle, you know, then, then it is a, a plausible choice for you. Um, I think for me, what, you know what? Breaks my heart is that sometimes the women that I have worked with, um, think that, that they don't have a choice. Mm-hmm.

You know? Right. They allow those guilty feelings to come in, um, that, well, they're my child, you know, I should be helping, I should be providing, but you know, and I always just bring it back to. You do have a choice. Mm-hmm. And the choices that we make don't always feel good. They don't always feel comfortable.

But when we are adults, we have to take care of our own piece of mind first. Yes. And that's, um, thought management that you help your clients with and. And not needing that. People pleasing. Mm-hmm. Um, just tendencies. Especially if moms, you know, just that, um, you know, just, I know I was, I. Thinking like, all right, this is my job to raise these kids and mm-hmm.

You know, when they were, uh, most of their life, I was not working a lot outside the house. Um, and then also too, life goes on, like when the child is in college and today there's so many second marriages, and therefore you have a new family dynamic and then you have your own life. So yeah. Even if people who are married.

Forever. And then the kids go to college and then they come back. Like that relationship has to be. Um, you know, a priority for them as well. So it's, it's not that it's your job to take care of your kids and once they're settled, then you get your free time and that's just not good. Uh, you know, it's just not a good model to show your kids.

Right. Yeah. And then I think a minute ago too, like even if you have the means to provide everything for them mm-hmm. You really do. Then if you have all those means, like then you need to be teaching them the financial skills, like get that Roth I R a save money, and that will make you recession proof for, you know, the eventual cyclical economic cycles.

So yeah, to me that is, How you can, um, you know, really help set them up. And then if a parent is not able to pay a lot of those bills, then yeah, then the child realizes, all right, I have to work hard and I have to watch what I'm spending. So, yeah. You know, bills, yeah. To be able to pay those bills. Yeah. So, Barb, tell me something that you're super, super excited about in your coaching program.

Yeah, I just created a document how to eliminate fr uh, frustration raising teens. Mm-hmm. And so if you go to barb hatfield.com, that's a place to sign up for that document. Um, I also post Monday Mindset Weekly on my Facebook page, which is Barb Hatfield Life Coaching. And then I also post it on LinkedIn, so that will just be under Barb Hatfield, and that's where I give weekly.

Helpful coaching tips that people can just start implementing and using, uh, and kind of give 'em a little lift, you know, I posted on Sunday nights and then that kind of gets 'em started for their Monday with like, how can I impose change in my life and, and get started anytime. That's great. That's great.

And, um, where can my listeners find you? Are you on social media? Yeah, so, uh, Facebook, um, and LinkedIn are the best places. I'm not as active on Instagram, but certainly Facebook, uh, the Barb Hatfield like coaching page, uh, that can certainly find me. Awesome. And, um, and your website remind us of your website.

Yes, and that's barb hatfield.com. And then I'll, I'll, I'm sorry, go ahead. Oh, I was gonna say too, if anyone has any questions and wants to reach out, they can always email me too@barbbarbhatfield.com. Okay, perfect. Yeah, I always offer a 360 minute chat. Will we solve one problem and then you, you know, try to apply that and.

Certainly, um, you know, obviously open to ha to start a coaching, um, program with them or come just check it out and see if it's right for you and. I think life coaching is becoming a lot more, um, common that people, it's, it, it's acceptable to have a life coach in years. For years people have had a business coach and now it's just a different brain looking at your situation and being objective and without any judgment whatsoever.

So it's someone that you can just be brutally honest with and there is no criticism. You know, most of my clients, I don't even live there. So sometimes that's the benefit that I don't even know what your life is like and you know, there you can just be so honest that I figure out how you wanna deal with things.

Yeah. And not have to be worried about, oh, I just told my good friend or my, you know, family. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's like the biggest thing that drew me to life coaching, you know, was because I felt like. I would talk to my friends and I would, you know, tell them what was going on in my life and things like that.

And, you know, they're a good ear, right? Mm-hmm. And they know you personally, and so they love you and they want to, you know, keep loving on you in that they don't always, you know, give you the best advice. They don't always, um, They don't always, you know, wanna say the hard things. Right? And what I love about coaching is that, You know, because your friend knows you and knows your situation, they're not able to look at the situation from all different aspects, right?

Mm-hmm. They're not able to identify the holes in your thinking. Or they're not able to identify the thinking that could be holding you back, you know? And so I find that, you know, with coaching, you know, you have an unbiased person listening to your circumstances, listening to your situation, and they're able to see it from a completely different perspective.

Yeah. And they're able to, you know, um, Pose different questions that's gonna help you to see things in a different light. Definitely. And so, yeah. Yeah. Your friends sometimes might be afraid to be honest. So friends agreed to vent to, but venting constantly isn't gonna change the situation. And that just gets old on you.

Like, it's great if you're gonna talk to your friend every week and complain about the same thing. Coaches help you figure out, all right, how can we change this? Yeah. Yeah. They get help. You get down to the solutions. Solutions that you can try. Um, and you know, like I said, with a completely. You know, unbiased, you know, mindset around it.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Barb, thank you so much. This has been such an amazing conversation. I know that I learned a lot, you know, um, and I love the fact that we're able to connect on this subject, you know, because as a midlife person, Who wants to level up my own life and who wants to be thinking about who I want to be in the future?

You know, I still have to go back to the fact that at times I am a mom, you know? Right. And so to have the have this different perspective and to have these different tools, you know, really does help me as I'm, you know, navigating this young adulthood and how I can be more of a friend and a confidant and maybe even sometimes a mentor to them versus.

You know that parenting role versus, versus reverting back to the, I feel like I have to tell them how to do everything. I feel I have to push my agenda because at this point in life, that's no longer my job. Right. And I wanted to add, I also coach teams too that are willing. So then the key is the parent can't send them to a coach to quote, be fixed.

So the team and I have coached them and it goes great if they're willing to be coached. And um, and it just gives them a perspective that anything can change. And sometimes if, you know, if a child is just kind then me and meandering, you know, a little longer than the parents want, like sometimes you just need a different, Person probably telling.

Telling them the exact same thing. Yeah, but you get to just to be like, all right, like do you wanna graduate high school? Yes. Okay. So how do we have to show up every day? So then that can be the case, because I don't think you wanna go to summer school and. And delaying all that. Yeah. Yeah. So I definitely can coach the teams too.

Oh, that's great. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. I market to moms since, you know, moms are the ones dealing with it and the child, if they're not interested, change can happen. It can start with the mom or a dad. Mm-hmm. And then, um, yeah, then they can just implement things to change the way they are showing up and give them a plan.

Yeah. Yeah. And that, and I, that's important that you say that because a lot of people, um, don't realize that. The other people in their lives don't have to be the one to change. Right. That when we start making small shifts mm-hmm. In the way that we're thinking and we start making those small changes, it is inevitable that the people in our lives are going to start making changes too.

Yeah. And that's exactly what my, how to eliminate frustration raising these teens. Teaches the parent really how they Awesome start change today to make it just changing the way they're showing up. Yeah. So you can still have consequences and rules and stuff, but sometimes we can just elevate everything to a whole new level and just really lose hope.

So it's just a nice way to figure out some changes that they can make. Awesome. Well, Barb, thank you for for coming on today. I appreciate it. Thanks so much, Christ. I know our listeners are really gonna appreciate it too. Thank you. You're welcome. Who is your life coach? I would love the opportunity to work with you as you are rediscovering the woman you were meant to be.

Visit kristifalanycoaching.com for more information on how we can work together to ignite that passionate, enthusiastic woman who may have been tucked away for some time. Let's start in the middle together.