Start in the Middle

Self-Discovery and Personal Growth

• Kristi Ballard Falany

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Are you feeling stuck in your personal growth, or are you struggling to navigate the different seasons of your life? I've been there, and I want to share with you how I am learning to embrace the changes and make the most of my gifts. Inspired by Nicki Koziarz's book 'Your New Now', I'm gaining a clearer understanding of life’s seasons, their strength, and wisdom. Let's walk together through the season of cultivation and find out how we can use our gifts to live more satisfying lives. It's a journey of growth, understanding, and change that we all can benefit from, so let's start the middle together!

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Speaker 1:

Hi, I am Kristy Ballard Fellini. I am a certified life coach who found herself at 42, freshly divorced kids off to college and having never dated in my adult life. I was starting in the middle. If you haven't yet hit start on your middle time in life, let's do it together. Let the journey begin. You are listening to Start in the Middle with me, kristy Ballard Fellini. Hey y'all, welcome back to another beautiful episode of this podcast. I'm curious how are you today? I hope that this episode finds you well. Today.

Speaker 1:

It is an amazingly cool day here in South Texas. I think that it may have only hit 73 today, which is pretty awesome because there is a nice cool breeze in the air and this is absolutely my favorite season to run in. In fact, I love it when it is cold outside and for me, that just is the most perfect weather for me to run in. I know a lot of people think, oh my gosh, that's so crazy. But gosh, I love the cool weather. I love it when it's cold outside. I love it when you can bundle up in your sweatshirts and your cozies and your fluffy socks. That is my type of weather and, specifically because I do not like it when it is hot, I do not enjoy it. I do not enjoy sweating, and even when you run in the cold you still do get a good sweat on.

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But anyway, for those of you who may not know me, I am Kristie Fellini and I am a certified life coach. I'm a Christian and my passion is to help other midlife women see what is possible for her and her life. I help them to stop feeling like their best years are behind them and really lean in to who they were meant to be at this point in their lives. Now, when I say that, this actually comes from listening to too many women who have gotten to this stage in their lives where they notice their relationships may be waning, they are desiring those relationships to be stronger and fulfilling once again. They feel like their day to day life is a lacking in fulfillment and they are really just looking for how they can create a more meaningful and purposeful chapter in their lives. At this point, ladies, I tell you you are not alone.

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If you've listened to my podcast a couple weeks ago, you can probably tell that I too fall into some of those categories at various points in my life. In fact, the topic I want to share with you today is going to address this very idea Again. If you listened to my podcast about two weeks ago, you heard me talk about making the last 90 days of this year the best 90 days of 2023. So right now, today is like midpoint in the first 30 days. So I'm calling this my mid 30 day check-in and here's what I've committed to for myself and I'll tell you what a journey it has been so far. So remember that I suggested that you really focus on one big goal for the entire 90 days Now mine is my relationship with myself.

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So far, I have uncovered some pretty interesting things. Number one first thing is that I've really discovered that I cannot be passive in my own healthcare. I cannot just take I don't know for an answer from my doctors and then what they do is they just kind of pass you off onto somebody else, but instead I've realized that I have got to come equipped with my own research, my own data, so that I know exactly the questions that need to be asked. And my gosh, if I feel like my questions are not being answered, I need to advocate for myself, and sometimes that means finding a different doctor and looking for a different perspective. It sometimes can be a pretty daunting task, but again, you have got to trust your gut. You have to trust your inner wisdom when something just doesn't feel quite right.

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Okay, another area that I'm really leaning into is trusting my own inner wisdom. When a thought comes to me that maybe I wanna try, or a creative idea pops into my head, I've been practicing trusting, trusting myself to explore it. A lot of times I come up with some really creative ideas that and then I tend to dismiss them. I allow thoughts like no, that's going to be too hard or that'll take too long, or no one will probably want that, and poof, I let that idea go out as quick as it came. But I'm not letting that happen this last 90 days. What I'm doing instead is actually writing them down as they come, getting them out of my head and onto paper, because this is the first step in speaking what you want and putting it out into the world, so then I can marinate on it and allow the idea to actually form. And lastly, if it's an idea that seems to stick, I'm asking God for his input. I'm asking him for his wisdom because he'll set me on the right path. I am confident in that, all right. Thirdly, yeah, yeah.

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What I have discovered again, as I am midway point through my first 30 days, is that I am being extremely intentional with getting into the word every day. Now, this is something that I've done in the past and I've allowed my quote unquote need to get to work to start my morning. But during those times, I've noticed a different amount of stress within me. I've noticed that how working in my business wasn't feeling motivated or fun, and actually how unfocused I was when I am jumping right into work first thing in the morning, because what ends up happening is that I'm jumping from one task to another and not finishing any of them, or simply working on busy work which, if I'm being honest, has not at all helped my business to grow. So for the last 90 days, I'm really, really concentrating on getting into the word to start my day, and what I love about this is that it's not only giving me an opportunity to discover how God wants me to show up every day, but I've also discovered a few verses that are really speaking to me in a whole brand new way, and I am using those to meditate on throughout my day. So, with that being said, 50 days, into being super intentional with the last 90 days of the year is really off to a great start. So I'm focusing on how I'm showing up for me and in doing so, I am reclaiming and rediscovering who I truly want to be in my day to day life for this last 90 days of 2023.

Speaker 1:

Alrighty, so that's my little check in, my midpoint 30 day check in. Okay, so let's get to the point here. So I had lunch with a friend the other day and we were talking about how it sometimes feels like we wasted time, being stuck in a certain season of our lives, only to have even bigger circumstances come along and then we realize the amount of pain and suffering that we actually inflicted on ourselves, and what happens is that, as we mature, we actually recognize and notice these different seasons that we have found ourselves in. So I want to ask you can you think of a time in your life where the thoughts or judgments that you were placing on yourselves were actually causing you pain that really didn't even need to be there? Like, thank goodness, as we get older and we mature and become wiser, we're able to actually see the forest through the trees and determine what we want to give our attention to and what we can just let go of, and sometimes we simply find ourselves in a season that we cannot seem to shake free of, or we find that we may be lingering a bit longer, or we start to question is this the season where I'm supposed to stay?

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This is exactly why I want to share with you a book that I have recently read and completely fell in love with. It's called your New Now by Nikki Cosiarz. The cover of the book I found first to be so inspiring because the front of it says finding strength and wisdom when you feel stuck where you are Now. I know for me there have been several times in my life where I felt as if I was just stuck, that I couldn't see the hope and I just couldn't see the change that was going to make it any better. So in this book, nikki writes that these feelings are completely normal when we don't quite understand that our lives flow in and out of different seasons and that as long as we're able to identify the season that we are currently in, we're able to learn how to overcome its challenges.

Speaker 1:

So as I was reading this book, I was completely able to relate with each of the seasons that Nikki described. And what was really cool and made this book so relatable was that she used the story of Moses from the Bible to show how normal each one of these seasons actually is and that people for centuries before us have been going through the same types of life struggles that we ourselves are going through Now. I don't know about you, but it definitely makes me feel less alone when I can relate to other people's struggles and that others have gone before me, you know, and our stories may not be the same, but the lessons are, and the growth that we are able to learn from others is so valuable, if you allow it. So what I thought I would do in this podcast because, of course, I would love for you to get the book yourself and see how it applies to your life but I thought I would give you a short description of each season and tell you about how I was able to recognize that season in my own life and share with you a little bit about what I learned about myself during that time. My hope is that through my stories, you're able to see that there is hope and, while the season may feel very challenging, you either won't be there forever or you don't have to choose to stay there long.

Speaker 1:

So I want to start with what I feel has been the hardest season for me. I know for sure it felt like it was the loneliest and it felt like it lasted really long. Are you ready? It was the season of separation. Now, this happened for me when I felt completely separated from my kids when they went off to college. Of course, it didn't help that at that time I was smack dab in the middle of my divorce, but the separation from my kids made everything feel so much harder at that time, and at that time I had just moved back to my hometown after being gone for two years, and what really made it feel even lonelier was that I didn't feel like I had a support system that I could lean into, and so I spent a good two or so years in this season of my life until I started to realize that I needed to get out and start creating my own support system. I needed to make an effort to get out and make friends.

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What I learned from this is that our relationships with our young adult and adult children is naturally supposed to change. There is supposed to be a period of transition where I, as their parent, am supposed to go from being the parent to more of a mentor style of relationship. I'm not supposed to continue to tell them how they are supposed to live their lives and I am supposed to start recognizing the fruits of my labor in that they're turning out just fine, making decisions for themselves, and that they were never meant to be my sole source of joy or happiness. Now I think this is where a lot of us empty nesters get hung up or feel stuck in suffering because we've been relying on our children for how we feel for so long. We've invested, we've poured into our kids that we didn't stop to think about how it would feel and what we're supposed to do once they are off living their own lives. But the good news is I want to offer you that you don't have to stay in suffering. You get to choose the thoughts you want to believe about them leaving the nest. Like I mentioned earlier, I am now living in belief that I did a great job as their parent, because they are supposed to move on and make a life for themselves.

Speaker 1:

Y'all this realization that I am the one who creates my thoughts and feelings, not others made the next time that I went through a separation period less painful. Yes, it hurt for a time, and I was lonely for a time and I'm talking about when I quit my teaching job to become a full-time coach but I was able to reflect back on what I had learned from going through this experience of separation before, and so, if you find yourself in a season of separation, I encourage you to separate yourself from the old stories that you have been telling yourself of what life was supposed to look like. The truth is, we don't even know what it is supposed to look like for us. There's no way that we can see into the future, but, looking back, what we do know is that in some point, we have created what we hoped that it would look like, and our pain and suffering is staying stuck in that separation season of it not looking like that in true reality. Okay, so the next season in the book is the season of development.

Speaker 1:

Now, what I love about this season is that I feel like it is a season that I am continuously developing who I am, but also what I learned is that there are areas within me that didn't quite develop from my childhood. Have there been times in your life when you just couldn't understand why you did the things that you did, or maybe when you reacted to someone and then later felt regret or didn't know where that behavior come from. This could potentially be an area in your life where you didn't fully develop from your past, like, for example, growing up. In a place where you were growing up, life for me sometimes felt very out of control and chaotic. It seemed that there was constantly a lot of fighting and the way that you took control of a situation or the way that you get what you want is to be nasty and yell. So for me, this for sure is an area within me that had not fully developed going into my young adulthood. This is actually called emotional childhood. It's when an adult reverts back to childlike behaviors to try to gain control or to try to create an outcome that they actually want in a situation, and I absolutely love the advice that Nikki gives in this section of the book.

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She writes if you are sensing you haven't gone through the full process of growth in a specific area, it's time to recognize it. Sometimes we can't figure out why we feel stuck or lost because we never dealt with the things that didn't finish developing in us and that is so powerful and it's so true. And this is exactly why I suggest you hire a coach, because your coach will help you recognize the areas where you need the growth. So don't be shocked that you can't see them for yourself, because you've been living with these patterns for so long and it's completely normal that you're not able to recognize them for yourself. So on to the next season, and so far this is my favorite and it's the most scary season, and this is actually the season that I am in right now. It's called the cultivation season. This is the season for change, change, change. And the biggest change that I have ever made was quitting my teaching career to become a coach.

Speaker 1:

And what I love about this season that really resonated with me from the book is that God did not give us the gifts he did so that we would stay quiet with them Y'all. I firmly believe that he had already seen everything that I have gone through in my life and has personally asked me to use them for good Y'all. He has given me these gifts so that I can help other women, and as I read through this special part of the book, I had this overwhelming feeling that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do in becoming a coach. I am supposed to share my struggles with other women. I'm supposed to equip them with the tools that I have learned to help them live more satisfying lives. I'm supposed to share my love for personal growth so that they, too, will learn to love themselves enough to invest in themselves. And the book actually prompts you to identify the three tools that you have been equipped with and I wrote down for myself. I have been equipped with healing tools, the ability to speak hence starting my coffee and connections group and a heart for change. The biggest takeaway from recognizing that I am in this season is remembering to soften my heart for what God has for me, and when I do that, I am able to share with other women what is possible for them too. All right.

Speaker 1:

So this brings us to the last season described in the book. This season is the season of finished. How do I know when I'm supposed to quit something? And I think that this was a lingering question the last two years of my first marriage, because we were actually living apart at this time, which wasn't how we originally intended for it to be. But with the circumstances we were in and with the separation, I believe that we both gained more clarity and eventually had that really hard conversation of deciding to give in to what felt like was inevitable. And I remember that moment when, together, we both made the decision that the relationship was finished. There was a weird unfamiliar feeling of 21 years being finished, finished feels, unknown and confusing. Some days finished felt like relief and some days finished felt like hopeless.

Speaker 1:

But, as I mentioned, having lunch with my friend today and listening to her version of finished and the fact that she knew right away that God was not done with her yet, and then looking back on my finished finished isn't so bad after all. It certainly has given me something to talk about here with y'all. So to you, my girlfriends, I encourage you, go out and get this book Today. I've just shared with you some areas in my life that I'm able to reflect back on and say, oh yeah, I recognize that season and when I was there. Being able to recognize this season and reflect on the growth that you're able to make from it gives you a couple of different opportunities. Number one it lessens the pain for yourself when that season shows back up again. It gives you compassion to others because they may be going through a particular season in their lives, and it's able to help you to be there and help others when they are going through a season that they may not be able to see a way out yet. But I tell you what you have to read the book for yourself so that you can see the lessons that you were able to learn from each of these different seasons in your own life and celebrate the fact that you have been able to overcome them. Okay, so, if you enjoyed this episode of Starting the Middle, or if you know someone who could use some help going through whatever season that they are going through right now, please share this episode with them. Also, please do me a favor and go back and rate and leave a review.

Speaker 1:

My mission is to help every midlife women stop feeling like life is passing them by All right. Hey, if you're not quite sure about the mindset that could be holding you back from the potential that you currently have, I encourage you to head on over to my website. It's christyphilanicoachingcom. It's K-R-I-S-T-I-F-S-M-F-R-A-L-A-N-Y coachingcom, up in the top right hand corner. I have a special gift for you. It is a short quiz that will help you to discover the mindset that could be holding you back. So I encourage you to take that, and also, if you want to connect with me, please look me up on both Facebook and Instagram. Y'all have an excellent week and I look forward to talking to you soon. Who is your life coach? I would love the opportunity to work with you as you are rediscovering the woman you were meant to be. Visit christyballardphilanicom for more information on how we can work together to ignite that passionate, enthusiastic woman who may have been tucked away for some time. Let's start in the middle together.