Relationship Clarity by Understanding Perception

Have you ever stopped to consider that the root of relationship challenges might not be communication, but our own perceptions? Join me, Kristi Falany, as we journey through the complexities of how we perceive the world and its profound impact on our interactions with those we hold dear. By intertwining personal stories, like the deeply emotional bond with my father, I uncover the ways in which our earliest experiences shape the lenses through which we view our connections. This episode is an invitation to explore the nuances of perception and its silent role in the dance of communication, guiding you to an awakening of the relationships in your life.

This isn't just talk; it's a pathway to transformation. As your guide and life coach, I'm extending a hand to those ready to rediscover themselves in midlife and beyond. Sharing this episode might be the spark for someone you know to reignite their passion for life. Together, we'll embark on this voyage of self-discovery, activating the dormant energy within and utilizing the power of perception to cultivate richer, more authentic relationships. Tune in and join the movement towards a life lived with purpose and connection.

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Transcript

Kristi: 0:01

Hi, I am Kristy Ballard Fellini. I am a certified life coach who found herself at 42, freshly divorced kids off to college and having never dated in my adult life. I was starting in the middle. If you haven't yet hit, start on your middle time in life, let's do it together. Let the journey begin. Do you want to know what I believe is the biggest problem in any relationship? Now, I know what you're thinking. I know that you're thinking that you know what I'm thinking. Yes, it's a play on words, but first of all let me introduce myself. My name is Kristi Falany and I am a certified life coach.

Kristi: 0:58

So if this is the first time that you and I are interacting, I promise you it's going to be a treat, because I absolutely love helping women stop just existing in their lives. And the messages that I bring every week. If you utilize them in your everyday life, if you take them and apply them to your life, you at some point are going to stop just existing. You're going to start leveling up your life and you are going to start to create this state of being within yourself that your actions just automatically come from, that new state of being, the results that you are getting, the things that you are creating in your life are going to change. So the message that I have for you today, it is all about what I believe is the biggest problem in any relationship. Now, I'm not just talking about your marriage, although this is one thing that can really hurt your marriage big time, but I'm also talking about all the other relationships in your life, all of the connections that you have, the connections with your adult children, your connections with your friends, your coworkers, your boss. This one thing can be a problem with all of the connections that you have in your life. And, as I mentioned at the top of the podcast that I know what you're thinking because you're probably screaming out to me through your headphones right now, christy, I know it.

Kristi: 2:50

It's communication, it's communication and, yes, that's what we've been told that communication is the biggest factor and it is also the biggest issue that we tend to have in our relationships when we feel disconnected from them. But I want to take you a step further, because it's not just communication, and the step before that is perception. The step before communication is perception. So let's talk about perception for just a minute. Perception is that part of your brain where you make meaning. It's that part of your brain where you think, you know. So you perceived that when I posed the question hey, do you want to know what the biggest problem is? You perceived that you knew I was going to say communication, because that's what you've been conditioned to think. But it actually starts with your perception.

Kristi: 4:02

So where does perception even come from? Perception comes from all of the things that have been conditioned in your brain, and this goes back to the time when you first started forming thoughts. So, yes, as soon as you came out of the womb, you were already forming thoughts and you were already forming perceptions. And so where this conditioning of perception comes from actually comes from your experiences. So I want to give you, I want to break it down to simplest, simplest terms, and I want to give you a formula. So here it is your environment, and this is Goldenbaum, according to the scientific research, where we find out that, plus emotion equals your experiences. Okay, and your experiences are that conditioning that creates your perception. Okay, so your environment, the environment that you were in, caused your brain to assign any motion, and that is what equals your experiences. So let me give you an example.

Kristi: 5:24

Okay, so the one person that I identified love, love, safety and affection with from a very early age was my dad Okay. I come from a family of five girls. I am number four out of five and, as I look back on my childhood, the one person that I relate, that I connect to on an emotional level was my dad Okay. He was the one that showed me the most affection, that showed me the most attention, and so what ended up happening was that I had these experiences with my dad right, and I assigned an emotion to them, and what ended up happening was that emotion that I assigned was the safety, the love and the connection. But there were times when he didn't show up that way, okay. I come from a military family, and so my dad was out to see quite a bit, and he would be gone for six months at a time when he was out to see Okay. So it was like this human being who I equated the emotion of love and connection, affection was always leaving, okay, and when you're little, little little, you don't understand, right. You just know that this person that you equate all these emotions to is always leaving, all right. Now, of course, as I got older and more mature and I understood better. I knew why, but I already had that conditioning of disappointment when he would leave, okay.

Kristi: 7:15

The other thing that I noticed is that, you know, all of the love, attention and affection you know cause me to put this person up on quote, unquote a pedestal right, because that was the person that I looked to for that emotional connection. And so, when things would happen, when he would do things that were out of character because, yes, he is a human being just like all of us when he would do things that were out of that character, I would assign disappointment okay. And so what I discovered later in life is that my brain assigned Connection, emotional safety, to this mail person, and what ended up happening was that I also assigned that to the other male people in my life. Okay, and so, again, when these people, these male people in my life, would do something out of character, my brain automatically assigned disappointment okay. So this is exactly how perception works.

Kristi: 8:36

Okay, it is our experiences that come from the environment that we're in, the environment of our relationships, the environment of all the things that are surrounding us, create our environment and the emotion that our brain assigns to it. Alright, so why does this matter in our relationships. And why does perception trump communication? Because here's what happens when we enter into relationships with people, we come with all of these experiences, right, we come with all of the things that have happened to us in our past and the emotion that our brain has assigned to them. And so when we are interacting with the people that we are in relationships with and we are trying to connect and we are trying to create bonds and we're trying to communicate with them, sometimes there is a breakdown in the communication because of our perception. Remember, at the top of the podcast, when I said, hey, do you want to know what the biggest problem is? And you already thought I was gonna say communication.

Kristi: 10:05

That's what happens in our relationships is that sometimes, when we're communicating with someone or when we're interacting with someone, we think we perceive that we already know what they're gonna say. We perceive that we already know how they're gonna show up. We perceive that we already know the level of commitment that they're going to have in that relationship. And these things are all based off of the experiences that we've already had and the conditioning that we have already had. We think that we know what the other person is thinking. We think that we know their motives, and what ends up happening is that this clouds the way that we communicate with them. We assign a meeting ahead of time without having all of the input from the other person right? Because they come with their own experiences, they come with their own perception, and so they are communicating with us from a level of their experiences as well. And so when we enter into these situations where we already think that we know the meaning behind what they're doing, or we think that we know what they meant, show up differently and basically what we're doing is that we're doing their thinking for them, when we think that we know what they meant, when we think that we know what they are going to say.

Kristi: 11:56

And so how I've seen this play out in my life Is that sometimes I put up a guard because I am trying to maintain my own safety, and so sometimes it looks like I'm trying to protect myself from the disappointment from the men in my life. And so I ask you this idea of perception ahead of communication, does it feel fair? I mean, does it feel fair to you To automatically think that you know what the other person meant with the other person's motive was what the other person might say next. Does that feel fair to you in your body? Because, like I said, for me, sometimes it causes me to put up guard, sometimes it causes me to put up a wall, sometimes it causes me to react versus respond. And, on the flip side of that, is it fair to the other person? Is it fair to the other person that you are thinking ahead of time, that you know what their motives are, that you know what they meant to say, or they you, that you know already the way that they wanted to be perceived? Now I truly believe that the answer is no. So what do you do about it? How do you stop and think about perception Before communication?

Kristi: 13:38

Awareness, awareness is key. Being aware Of perception before communication. Stopping and thinking Wait a minute, do I need more information here? Asking yourself those curiosity questions do I really know the way that he meant that? Do I really know what it is that they're thinking? Do I really know that the motive behind it is not for good? Right? So being aware and being curious and questioning your own thinking Is the biggest thing that you need to be aware of.

Kristi: 14:30

Okay, and then make communication the next step. So if you're asking yourself do I have all the important information. Ask them, save yourself the heartache, save yourself the mental drama. Ask them the questions. If you are not crystal clear on perception, if you are not crystal clear as to what that person meant when they said, ask them. An easy tool to do this is say to them this is what I heard you say, but can I ask you what you meant? Okay, so, being more aware when it pops into your brain that you think you know what the motive was, what the intention was, what the meaning behind it was, save yourself that drama and ask them, use those communication skills. This is what I heard. Can I ask you what you meant?

Kristi: 15:37

Okay, you guys, this is why perception and your awareness of how it is operating in your brain is just as important as communication Y'all. This is absolutely why I love what I do. I love learning about how the brain works and being able to share these nuggets of wisdom with you. So if you like what you're learning here with me and you're ready to take it to the next level, I would love to share more with you and give you the action steps to applying this information in your life. So my free gift to you is a free Discover Me call.

Kristi: 16:36

So what this is is just a conversation between you and I where you can ask me anything, where you can say Christy, can you talk to me more about perception and talk to me more about how perception may be keeping me from the communication that I truly want in all of my relationships? You can bring any questions to me about anything on the podcast or anything that's going on in your life, and I would love to be able to give you the insight and the next action steps that you need to actually create a life that you want. And maybe that looks like you joining my coaching program. I offer a 12 week coaching program that is all about discovering the woman that you were meant to be at this point in your life, making the brave, bold decisions that you need to be in order to design your life, curated especially for how you want to live an amazing, abundant, joy filled life. So all you have to do to receive this free gift is go to my website, christyphilaneycoachingcom. I will place the link inside the show notes, click on that Discover Me link and you can set up your free call today. All right, y'all.

Kristi: 18:17

One last favor If you know someone who would benefit from this topic or any of the other topics that I have talked about, and you feel a brand new passion inside of yourself that you just simply can't keep from others. Please share this episode out. And maybe sharing this episode looks like you going back and putting a five star rating, because what happens with every five star rating this podcast receives, it bumps the podcast up inside the search engine. So when other midlife women are searching for ways to discover who they were supposed to be, ways to stop just existing in life, they'll be able to find this podcast to you. So two ways to share Either go to the three dots at the top, copy the link and actually share it out to all of your friends, or head back to the episode page and give me a five star rating. Either of those I would truly appreciate.

Kristi: 19:31

All right, I hope that you have a great week. I hope that you learned something new about how perception and perception of works to actually help in the communication department. All right, so you guys have a great week. Hope to hear from you soon. Who is your life coach? I would love the opportunity to work with you as you are rediscovering the woman you were meant to be. Visit Christy ballardfalaniecom for more information on how we can work together to ignite that passionate, enthusiastic woman who may have been tucked away for some time. Let's start in the middle together.