Start in the Middle

Embracing Responsibility

• Kristi Ballard Falany • Episode 108

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This weeks episode is all about empowering yourself by taking responsibility for how you show up for yourself. 

We dive into the cruciality of taking responsibility for our communication and personal growth. We explore the pivotal role an open mind plays in accepting diverse opinions, the influence such an attitude can have on our overall demeanor, and actionable steps to stop restraining ourselves. 

This episode is a deep-dive into embracing responsibility, understanding the vital importance of self-care, especially when life seems too much to handle, and how this positively impacts everyone around us. So, join us and let’s journey towards self-discovery and personal growth together!

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Kristi:

Hi, I am Kristi Ballard Falany. I am a certified life coach who found herself at 42, freshly divorced, kids off to college and having never dated in my adult life. I was starting in the middle. If you haven't yet hit, start on your middle time in life, let's do it together. Let the journey begin. Hello, my friends, you are listening to Start in the Middle with Kristy Fellini. If you have not yet been acquainted with me, I am a certified trauma informed life coach and I love helping other women rediscover who they are at midlife.

Kristi:

This is the time where we go through a ton of changes, and I'm not talking about just menopause. I mean, this is the time when it seems like our life is kind of taking a shift, where we might find ourselves in a career that we no longer love. We might find ourselves in relationships, whether it be with our spouse, with our adult children, with our friends, where we kind of feel like we don't really know where those relationships are going or we're having a hard time navigating them at this time in our lives because so many things have changed. I know personally for me this happened when I was around 42, and what was going on in my life at that time was I had just moved back from Minnesota because I found myself in the middle of a divorce after 21 years of marriage. At this time, I was also separated from my youngest child due to him wanting to pursue his dream of playing hockey in college, and I also found myself in a separation from my oldest, my daughter, who was off to college, and so it was a time of big changes for me, and I am so proud to say that that season of my life has propelled my personal growth moving forward. That season of my life could have been a time where I just allowed myself to stay stuck in a feeling of lonely or being lost, not knowing where my direction is, but I didn't, and I am so proud of the work that I have done for myself, for my personal growth, for my physical growth. I'm proud of myself, for the work that I have done since then, because that has led me here, that has led me to the point, to where I did the work. I studied hard, I got my life coaching certification, not just to be able to life coach, but also to be able to help women navigate trauma through an additional relationship trauma certification. And so this is what brings me here today and y'all, I think I've been up about three hours already and I want to say this has been the most productive day.

Kristi:

Okay, I got up immediately, baked a Bundt cake. Yes, I baked a Bundt cake. I have gathering that I'm going to this evening and I promised that I would make a dessert and I wanted something easy. And I just kind of have to laugh because, yeah, I wanted something easy, but I really had no idea in this world how to frost this Bundt cake. And so I tell you what I texted. Both of my kids sent them a picture and I said yeah, I don't think I'm ever going to buy from that Bundt cake place anymore, because this cake cost me $3.50, of course, because I already had the eggs, I already had the oil, so this cake cost me $3.50. And I took a Ziploc bag, shoved that frosting in there and I used it to make those nice little lines of frosting that that place makes across your little Bundt cake. And, man, I tell you what, if I am not tooting my own horn, because that cake is pretty fabulous looking and who knows what it's going to taste like, I'm sure it's going to be fabulous, but I did a good thing and it was fun. I also have already gotten out and I've already done my exercise. I already did my you know my walk, run intervals, even at 8 30 in the morning. It is hot and humid down here in South Texas, but I already did it and man don't. I feel good.

Kristi:

And here I am in front of my computer recording a podcast for you. And I'm going to be perfectly honest with you, I already recorded this podcast but I didn't like it. I didn't like how the flow was, I didn't like how the messaging came across. And this morning I woke up and I just thought to myself you know what I can do better? And here's the thing. Okay, because if you have taken my finding out what your sabotaging mindset quiz is, perfectionism is one of those mindsets. And I wanna promise you that this is not perfectionism.

Kristi:

Okay, because I'm sure over the last 106 episodes, there are episodes that you have listened to that you went, oh, okay. And I'm sure that there are episodes that you were like, wow, she was spot on and she had so much energy. Okay, and so, yes, there have been times when I have released B minus work, and you know what B minus work gets the job done and B minus work is totally okay, and this is not a case where I am striving for a plus work. Okay, what is happening here is that I just didn't like the messaging and I didn't like the way that I delivered the message, and I feel like I'm totally okay with re-recording and I have the energy to do that. You know, as I mentioned, I've already had a fabulous morning and so I've got the energy to share what it is that I wanna share with you today, and so I'm totally okay with re-recording it. All right.

Kristi:

And you may listen to this and you may think, oh, that's not her best work, and that is okay, because by the time I get to the end of this, I may be thinking the same thing, but I already know that it's better than the first recording and I feel good about that. Okay, and so if you find yourself in a situation where you think, mm, that wasn't my best work, I think I can do better and you have the energy to do it, you're not beating yourself up over it Then, yeah, do it okay, because it's going to make you feel better, it's going to make you feel more accomplished, it's going to make you feel good about what you're putting out in the world, okay. But remember that perfectionism shows up in a manner where we're beating ourselves up over the B-minus work, and that's not what I'm doing here, okay. So I want you to be careful about that. Remember that perfectionism shows up as a feeling of being uncomfortable. It hurts somewhere in your body. You can feel the energy, the negative energy, somewhere in your body that calls for you that, yes, I must do better, okay, whereas with what I'm doing here is, I am utilizing the energy that I have from the amazing morning that I've already had to recreate something better. I totally could have released the other one, but I already feel better about this one, okay.

Kristi:

So I want to ask you a question have you ever been in a situation where you're having a conversation with another person and you can tell that you are thinking a different thought than they are towards a common result? Now, what I mean by that is that you know that there has to be a result in the end right, there has to be an end point, something that you're trying to do but you know that your thought process and your way of doing it is completely different from the way that the other person is thinking about handling it all right. So let me give you an example. Couple of weekends ago, my husband and I were moving my dad for the second time in two months, okay, and now, remember I mentioned, down here in South Texas we have had temperatures over 100 degrees and this is the second time in two months of us completely moving all of the contents in his home from his home to an independent living apartment. He discovered he didn't like it. It wasn't for him, so we moved him back Again, all of the contents in his home.

Kristi:

So you can probably tell that there was already, you know, some thoughts around it. There was, you know, maybe a little bit of tension, maybe a little bit of man, haven't we been here before? And now we're in reverse, okay, so my husband and I both had two different thoughts on the way that this should look, and this was after already loading up the truck and heading over to dad's house. Okay, and so what happened is that because we were not communicating well with each other, we were both really, really trying to get our point across I think we should do it this way Whereas he was saying I think we should do it this way and our minds and our hearts were not open at all to hearing the other person.

Kristi:

Okay, and I can say this now because, as I am feeling the tension that is going on with both of us trying to, you know, state why we think that our way is better, as I'm feeling the tension in my own mind, I am telling myself the phrase take responsibility, take responsibility. Okay. Now, what that means is that I am the only one that can control me. Okay, so I need to take responsibility for my side of the conversation. I need to take the responsibility for what is happening in my body as I'm feeling the tension rise, and I need to take responsibility for how I am choosing to communicate in that moment. Okay, because what that looks like for me is taking responsibility means stepping back, pausing, allowing the other person to have the space to talk and take responsibility for themselves and how they're showing up in the conversation, but also deciding for myself what is the best way for me to calm myself, calm my brain, calm my body, and what is the best way for me to respond.

Kristi:

Okay, because what I was doing was I was reacting. I was reacting to the thought that he doesn't get what I'm saying. He doesn't see how my way is better. He doesn't understand that I think that I know what the best way is, all right. And so when I'm reacting from that mindset, I'm not taking that pause, I'm not grounding myself, I'm not thinking about what is the best way for me to communicate so that together, hopefully, we can make the best decision for the both of us. Okay?

Kristi:

So taking responsibility means that you stop assuming that the other person thinks like you. You stop assuming that they're on the same wavelength. You stop assuming that they're going to think that your way is the best way, okay. And when you stop assuming and you understand that other people do have other opinions and they may not have the same process that you do in your way of thinking, it opens your heart and opens your mind to take that step back and to allow some space in your own thinking. It allows your brain the opportunity to think something different. And when you allow the other person the opportunity to think differently than you, you're opening your heart with compassion and with empathy. You're opening your ears and your brain to huh, there might be a better way to do it, do this, there might be a different thought process, and so when you open up your mind to the possibility that other people may think differently than you, you're opening yourself up to so many more options.

Kristi:

And I tell you what, if you think about how this works in your life, when you are open, you carry yourself in a different way. You have a different posture. You hold your head up, you hold your shoulders back versus when you are closed off, when you are thinking my way is the best way and you're closing yourself off, you have this posture of being more closed in your heart. Your shoulders are more forward. You have a posture of being more forceful with wanting to make sure that you're getting your point across, and so it's not just it's not only a matter of opening your mind to something different. It's a matter of opening your body to other possibilities as well, and I promise you that having yourself open versus being closed feels so much lighter, it feels so much better in your body, and it allows you the opportunity to take responsibility for how you feel in your body, take responsibility for how you're thinking and take responsibility for your posture and how you're showing up in the world. So another area of your life that I want you to consider taking more responsibility is in your personal growth.

Kristi:

Okay, and when you take responsibility for your own personal growth, you are choosing to no longer hold yourself back by the sentences that your brain is going to offer you. Okay, 氳, for the brain is going to offer you up sentences in any situation, whether it's trying to communicate with your spouse, whether it's trying to put together something new that you've never done before, whether it is wanting to try something new like creating a Bundt cake. Your brain is gonna offer you up all kinds of sentences. You get to decide whether or not you wanna believe them. You get to decide whether or not those sentences are helpful or harmful. You get to decide do you want to slow down and respond to those sentences, or do you want to shut things down and hold yourself back by reacting? By reacting by thinking sentences or allowing sentences like well, I just can't do that because I've never done that before. I'm not gonna follow through with that amazing idea, because what if nobody shows up to this thing I've created? Or I'm gonna keep my creative ideas within my own brain because someone else may not understand it and it may not be something that is for them.

Kristi:

Okay, now I am, this week, doing a brand new thing, something that I've had on my brain for a while, but I didn't know how to create it, like I didn't know how I was going to make it come into fruition. And here is the biggest thought that held me back from doing it I don't have enough people in my network. Okay, I don't have enough people in my network, so nobody's gonna show up, all right. And these are all of the sentences that have kept me from doing this event over, I would say, probably the last six months. All right, and so, of course, as you think about that sentence, these are fear-based sentences and fear-based sentences are going to hold this back.

Kristi:

So what I have done is I got a little nudge and immediately my body went into excitement, my brain went into excitement and, yes, I do still have sentences come up that say thoughts like what if what you're going to present isn't something that they want? And you know what? It's totally okay. It is totally okay If the things that I am bringing into the world isn't what people want, because, guess what, there's going to be people that are for you and there's going to be people that are not for you, and it is totally okay, but it should never hold you back from the things that you want to do in your life, because, guys, life is just a long, steady version of trial and error. Trial and error and the things that we think, oh, wow, that worked are going to propel us to do it again. Right. But if you say, oh, it's not going to work, then of course you're not going to do it. Or, oh, it's not going to be good, then of course it's not going to be good. Alright. But if you allow yourself to step out in faith and follow your heart and take responsibility for the sentences going on in your brain, I promise you you are going to have a more fulfilling life, full of joy, full of learning experiences and definitely free from regret. So, take responsibility for the thoughts going on in your head and actions that you choose, moving forward based off of those thoughts.

Kristi:

The last thing that I want to share with you is taking responsibility for your own physical and mental health. Okay, now, what I mean by this is that you again can only take responsibility for you. Okay, and so when you say sentences to your spouse like hey, I want to try this new diet plan, and your husband says oh, okay. And you know from past experience that oh okay means yeah, I'm not on board with that, it's okay, it's totally fine. They don't have to be on board with you taking responsibility for your own personal health and physical wellness. In fact, in this area, I encourage you to stay in your lane, okay? Because staying in your lane means that you're taking responsibility for yourself. And guess what? It's up to them to take responsibility for themselves. And this goes with all of your relationships, okay, not just the relationship with your spouse, but your relationship with your adult children, your relationship with your friends.

Kristi:

Because what happens is that when we find something that we think is, oh, the next best thing, or we think, oh, I want to try this for myself and I want to see how it benefits my own personal health and my physical and mental well-being, of course we want to pull in everyone to be on board with us, because we just automatically think, hey, if it's good for me, it's going to be good for you too, right? And what happens is that when they don't get on board or they don't show you the support, resentment starts coming in. We get into a posture where we feel like we're constantly begging them to jump on board with us and they're just not willing to come. We expect for them to change, because we are changing too, and, guys, I promise you, it doesn't work like that. Okay, and so taking responsibility for yourself and allowing your own personal experience to continue to propel your growth forward and understanding that no one else has to be on board with the changes that you are trying to make in your life is going to lead you to personal peace. It's going to lead you in a posture of understanding that I'm taking care of myself, I'm taking responsibility for how I want to feel in my body and because this feels good I don't have to have other people on board with me that they can have the opportunity to take responsibility for their own actions, for the way that they take care of themselves.

Kristi:

Alright, you guys I know that this was a lot to unpack, and you heard me say take responsibility. I don't even know how many times, but I really want this point to hit home for you, because, as women, one of the things that we do is we try to be responsible for everyone else in our lives, and the reason that we do this is because we love them, it's because we want to see them happy. It's because we see positive changes in ourselves and we want that positivity to rub off onto the people in our lives. But the truth of the matter is it all goes back to what you can control, and you are the only person that you can control. No matter how good you know they would feel, no matter how good whatever the thing is that you're trying, no matter how good it is, you only can control and take responsibility for yourself.

Kristi:

So, you guys, if you have questions about this podcast, about taking responsibility, if this is something that you struggle with, I would love for you to reach out to me, because I want to help you with this.

Kristi:

I know that a lot of the unease and the lack of peace in our lives often stem from how we want to help others and how we want to show up for others in our lives, and so I want to help you to understand that you only have control over yourself and you can only be responsible for yourself, and I want to help you create the mindset that it takes to completely be all in for yourself, because, I promise you, when you are all in for yourself, others notice, others see it, others people see how happy you are and how things are positively changing from you and that, my friends, is the best way to prove to them how good change can be. So reach out to me at christyphilamicoachingcom. It's K-R-I-S-T-I-F as in Frank A-L-A-N-Ycom. I look forward to hearing you and, yes, I can help you rediscover yourself at midlife. You guys have a great week and I'll talk to you soon, thank you.