Start in the Middle

Secret Conversations: Hurdles in Communication and Navigating Midlife Challenges

• Kristi Ballard Falany

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Ever wondered why sometimes your conversations seem to be engulfed in a cloud of resentment and unspoken thoughts? Our minds can harbor secret dialogues, leading us to form judgments about others. This episode unravels this concept as we delve into a tale of two friends and how their unexpressed thoughts led to a change in their dynamics. Recognizing this pattern can be the key to transforming the way we communicate, fostering more honest and open relationships.

As we navigate the often-complex journey of midlife, it's not uncommon to face a multitude of challenges. The journey of self-discovery is always enlightening, and to assist you on this path, I share a unique tool - the 'Uncover Why Midlife Feels Hard' quiz. It's designed to help you gain insight into your struggles and reveal actionable steps for you to take. Plus, you have the opportunity to join my 'Rediscovery Call,' a chance to rediscover the woman you were meant to be. Prepare to embark on an exciting journey of self-awareness and transformation.

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Kristi:

Hi, I am Kristy Ballard Fellini. I am a certified life coach who found herself at 42, freshly divorced kids off to college and having never dated in my adult life, I was starting in the middle. If you haven't yet hit start on your middle time in life, let's do it together. Let the journey begin. Hello, hello, my friends, I hope you're having a fabulous day. This week has been an awesome week. It has been a fabulous week.

Kristi:

I have been so busy this week and it's not a busy where at the end of the week you just feel tired, you feel exhausted. I mean, there have been some fun things going on this week. I think I have done three networking events this week where I got to go and talk about my business. Tell people what I do If you do not know yet. I have added an element to my business where I am meeting locally with women on the second Wednesday of each month and we are talking about coffee and connections. Okay, we're not really talking about coffee, but we're having coffee and we're making connections connections with other like-minded women and basically that just means if you have a mind, you're welcome to come, and what I mean by that is that we all experience different things in our lives, and it really, really helps to know that you are not alone. It really really helps to know that you can reach out at any point and you have the support of other women, and so that's what our coffee and connection time is about, and, as I mentioned, the first time that we held it, which was the second week of August, we already outgrew our space. We had a local coffee shop, has a meeting space, a meeting room, and we were pulling in chairs from the coffee shop so that other women could fit in, so that everyone had a spot to sit in.

Kristi:

What I have had to do is go out and find a different location, and I'm super excited about this new location that I found, because it is such a comfy, cozy, welcoming space. There are collaboration tables. There's like round tables where people can sit around a table together and hang out. They have couches and love seats that are positioned to where you're either sitting next to someone having a conversation with them or you're sitting in a group and you're able to collaborate with each other, and I just know in my heart that this space is just going to bring us a whole brand new element of being able to reach more women who are looking for friendships, who are looking for connections and who are ready to learn a little bit about their brain. Okay, because that's my part. My part is offering a learning piece, offering some skills that you may not be aware of, or maybe it's a matter of fine tuning some skills, and so I bring Some learning to the table, and then we get the opportunity to just hang out and talk about it and see how we can incorporate these new mindset. Skills are, just, you know, brand new ways of thinking.

Kristi:

So, speaking of brand new ways of thinking, I have a concept that I want to bring to you, and this concept actually was brought up to me by my own coach. Alright, I'm pretty savvy about what goes on in my own brain, but and this is what having a coach does for you okay, because you're so used to all of the stuff that goes on in your brain already that you may not even recognize it, you may not understand it, and so when you're working with your coach and your coach is able to bring something new to the table and say, hey, this is what's going on For me, it was like, oh, wow, okay, and now I'm able to catch it. Okay, I'm able to catch it, and so I want to tell you a little story first. Okay, so I heard a story about two girlfriends who were hanging out one afternoon. Both of them had just kind of finished up their day and they were hanging out, you know, just getting caught up right. And I don't know about you, but when I get together with my girlfriends I want to just chat, you know like I want to just be able to say hey, what's going on in your life, what do you have? You know, that's what. Tell me what's happening with you, tell me what's happening in your world, tell me all the things, right.

Kristi:

So these two girlfriends were hanging out, you know, and catch it up, right. And so one of them, you know, says, hey, these are the things that are going on in my life, and the other girlfriend seemed like her demeanor changed a little bit and she kind of sat back and the words that were coming from her mouth sounded a little bit judgmental, okay. And then the other girl got offended, and then it just kind of played back and forth and From someone who may have been sitting on the outside, may have mistook it or maybe had the idea that they were having an argument, that they were having a difference of opinion. Okay, and so I tell you this story because, like I said, when it seemed like one of the girlfriend's demeanor changed and the things that she was saying to her friend came out as being judgmental, immediately what came to mind was what my coach taught me about secret conversations, and when I heard this story, it made so much sense to me Okay, because you may not be aware of this and it might hit you just like it did me when he mentioned to me about secret conversation. And then I went oh my gosh, yes, you're so right, that's exactly what's going on.

Kristi:

Because what happens is that when you have a thought about someone else and it starts to create judgment, or it starts to look like judgment, sound like judgment in your brain, and you do not voice that judgment. You keep it hidden as a secret conversation. Okay, so, just like the one friend had, obviously she had been having some sort of secret conversation. She had been having some sort of thoughts about the other friend and she kept them to herself, and when she finally did open up and express those thoughts and ideas, they sounded like judgment. Okay, and that's what happens when we allow these secret conversations. Okay, and I promise you, I'm going to be straight up and I'm going to tell you.

Kristi:

I noticed this in myself sometimes, with my spouse. Okay, where he is doing something, he's being himself, he is doing some sort of something and it doesn't align with how I would have done it, or it doesn't align with my own values for myself, and I have a secret conversation about it and I even say I wouldn't have done it that way, or may have some sort of judgment about the way that he is doing it versus the way that I would have done it. Right. And what happens during that time? If you keep these secret conversations to yourself, what happens is that they begin to fester and they begin to create resentment. Okay, and what happens in that situation is that, if you don't speak them out loud, you're creating resentment, you're creating this festering. It could be a thought process that continues to spiral, continues to come back up, and Then, when you find yourself in a heated conversation or when you find yourself in a difference of opinion, all of those Secret conversations and those secret judgments tend to spew out, okay, and it looks disgruntle, it looks judgmental, it sounds hurtful.

Kristi:

Okay, even though you did not mean to do that right, when you are keeping things inside and you are allowing the judgment To happen, when you are allowing those secret conversations to sit inside and you are gathering evidence, right, every time that person does that, right, when you are gathering that evidence, and then it finally comes to a point where Maybe you've had it, maybe you've had enough right, and that secret conversation is no longer secret. It comes out, it comes out in a harsh tone, it comes out in the form of judgment, it comes out in the form of anger and it's just so hurtful. And so I love what coach Dave Moreno brought to me, and he was like Christie when you notice those secret conversations, go talk to that person and be perfectly honest, okay. When you notice that something that someone else is doing does not align with your values and you have that secret conversation about it, sit down and talk to them at that point and even approach it. Hey, I'm having this thought and I just really want to talk to you about it and remember that often times not often times, about 99.9% of the time the thoughts that we are having about someone else Are about us. Okay, and so sit down with them and be honest and say you know, hey, I recognize that I am having this thought and I just want to bring it to light. I just want to have this conversation with you, and this is where I'm coming from and this is why I'm thinking this way. Okay, because when you do that, you open up the possibility for them to explain themselves to you. Okay, you open up the possibility for and what else could be true? Does that make sense? Okay, so you're thinking this, right? And then when you open up and you say, hey, I'm thinking this and this is how it feels, that person has the opportunity to give their point of view and to give you the explanation, maybe, as to why they did it that way, or gives them the opportunity to say, oh my gosh, I wasn't even thinking about it that way. This is the way that I'm thinking about it, right?

Kristi:

So many things happen when we bring those secret conversations in to light. Okay. Number one we notice them quicker, okay, and so when you find yourself having a secret conversation that looks like judgment, you are gonna notice it so much quicker and you're gonna have the opportunity to say to yourself is this something that I want to believe, and you're also gonna have the opportunity to ask yourself what else could be true, right, or even what could they be thinking, because I promise you, especially with your close girlfriends, especially with your spouse, especially with your children, they don't want to hurt you, okay, and they are, nine times out of 10, your biggest champion. And so when you're allowing those secret conversations to sit there in your brain and fester and believing things that may not necessarily be true, you're blocking off the possibility that they are not even realizing what they're doing and how they are showing up for you at that point Because, again, only you can claim responsibility for how you're feeling. Right, and that's how we get into this whole reality of my thinking creates my feelings. Right, because whatever it is that that person is doing, they cannot make me feel a specific way, because whatever is going on in my head is what creates my feelings.

Kristi:

Alright.

Kristi:

So when you open up and bring those secret conversations to light, you're not only going to allow yourself the possibility of what else could be true, allow yourself the possibility to give them an opportunity to share their perspective, but you are allowing the doors of communication to fly open. Okay, and I don't know about you, but I definitely want more communication in my closest relationships. I want that to be the cornerstone of my closest relationships because I want to be able to open myself up to the love, the nurturing, the caring that these relationships actually bring to my life. It also gives them a safe space to open up about their secret conversations yeah, we didn't talk about that side, because if I'm having secret conversations, I know that they're having secret conversations, and so I want to be the example of what's possible. I want to be the model for my friendships, for my relationships, in a way that offers them a safe space to feel like they can open up and they can nurture our relationship and that communication piece as well. So when I am opening up and voicing those secret conversations, it gives them a safe space to feel like they can do that too. Okay, and you want to be that. I'm sure you want to be that for your loved ones. You want to be a place where they feel safe and secure in coming to you, because they know that your agenda for them is that you're a loving, safe, open space as well. All right.

Kristi:

So, as I mentioned, when my coach brought this up to me, I was just like, wow, okay, so that's what's going on up there, right? And so, again, because I'm more aware of this now, when it does pop up, I can say to myself is that something that I want to believe? Is that true? Is there possibly something else that could be true? Right, and I can design, I can decide to shut it down right there.

Kristi:

Right, I can decide, yeah, I don't want to have this secret conversation, I don't want this to continue to build in my brain, right, and again, I can go, and I can in a non-confrontational, loving way. If it's something that I'm questioning, something that I can't wrap my brain around and I want to truly get curious about the possibility of something else, then I can go to that person and I can open up and I can say, hey, I didn't quite understand this and this is what I'm thinking. Can you explain that to me? Right, because, again, we want our relationships to feel like they are nurturing, that they are loving and that they are for us all, right. So, if you have questions about this idea of secret conversations, I encourage you to reach out to me because, again, you know it wouldn't have affected me the way that it did if my own coach hadn't brought it up to me, and so if you would like more perspective on this or more information, or if you just need a safe place to land, I'm here for you. All right, you can visit me at christyfulaneycoachingcom. That's K-R-I-S-T-I-F as in Frank A-L-A-N-Y coachingcom. When you land on my page, you're going to see a button at the top right hand side.

Kristi:

I have created a very special quiz for you. It's called Uncover why Midlife Feels Hard. Okay, when you go in and take this quiz, it's super easy 10 questions. When you get your results, you are going to have actionable steps, things that you can apply today. That is going to help you to discover number one, why some of things in midlife feel so hard, but also things that you can do to soften that below all right. So I encourage you, please take that quiz Again. If you have questions about it, I'm here for you. You can also click on the Work With Me page and schedule your free rediscovery. Call all righty, you guys watch out for those secret conversations this week. All right, and have a great week. Who is your life coach? I would love the opportunity to work with you as you are rediscovering the woman you were meant to be. Visit christybalardfulaneycom for more information on how we can work together to ignite that passionate, enthusiastic woman who may have been tucked away for some time. Let's start in the middle together.