The Friend Who Holds The Mirror

 Do you have someone in your life who loves you enough to tell you the truth—even when it’s uncomfortable? 

In this episode, we’re talking about the power of having a “mirror” in your life… someone who reflects back what you might not be able to see on your own. Because the truth is, we all have blind spots—and without awareness, we stay stuck in patterns that keep us from the life we say we want. 

We’ll explore why this kind of relationship is so rare, why we often resist the truth when we hear it, and how real growth begins when we’re willing to listen instead of defend. 

And if you don’t have that person in your life right now, we’ll talk about how coaching can step into that gap—offering a neutral, honest space where you can finally see clearly and move forward. 

Get your copy of the Start Dreaming Again companion guide: Click here

Set up a chat with me- I'd love to connect with you: Click here

Or shoot me an email: kristi@kristifalanycoaching.com 

Thanks for listening. Follow me in Facebook and Instagram. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hi, I am Christy Ballard Filaney. I am a certified life coach who found herself at 42, freshly divorced, kids off to college, and having never dated in my adult life. I was starting in the middle. If you haven't yet hit start on your middle time in life, let's do it together. Let the journey begin. I hope that this day finds you having just a fabulous day. And if you've tuned in because you need some insight, some inspiration, I'm here for that too. So this morning I spent my time outside. I have a very regimented um morning routine where I sit and I reflect on my day, reflect on the tasks that I have for the day, but also dive into my daily devotional so that I am starting my day with a word from God. And I'm super excited to be here with you today. Um today is one of those days that the temperature feels amazing, but it's kind of overcloud, overcloud, overcast and cloudy. I had a girlfriend not too long ago who shared with me that those are actually her favorite days. Those are the days that she really has an opportunity to see God's beauty. Now I know for most of us, we think about oh, the perfect day is, you know, the perfect weather, you know, whether it be that you love um warm temperatures, hot temperatures, cold temperatures. I personally love mild temperatures. Um and normally that picture looks like open blue skies, maybe with some rays of sunshine, you know, that is what we most often, what I most often hear as the perfect day. And I'm sure you're familiar with seasonal depression. You know, normally when it is gray outside, you know, we tend to feel, you know, a little more down, a little less optimistic. But I love how she explained it and how she reframed it that even in those times of, you know, the the grayness, the cloudiness, that God is still there in those moments, that we can still have the opportunity to look for God in those moments. So that's the kind of day that it is here today. But like I said, I'm sitting here in my office now, holding my warm cup of coffee. And if you ever need a quick pick-me-up, if you have not heard the statistic on holding a warm mug, I encourage you to look it up. It doesn't matter what's inside the mug. It could be coffee, it could be tea, it could be hot water. But when you wrap your hand around a warm mug, it instantly lifts your heart. It instantly creates an uplifted mood. So if you need a quick state change, I encourage you to grab a cup of coffee, grab some hot water, put your cup in the microwave, and just test it out. Give it a try. I hope you'll do that. So, the topic I have for you today, I want to ask you a very important question. Do you have that friend? You know, that friend who loves you enough to tell you the truth. I have that friend. And this friendship that I have with my friend Tracy, I never expected it. In fact, I told her, I've told her on several occasions, I have never experienced a friendship like ours. Her and I can sit and talk for hours. We can talk theology, we can share insights, we question each other, we are curious about what each other has to say. And the biggest thing of all that I love about my friendship with Tracy is that she's not afraid to hold up a mirror, she is not afraid to ask me tough questions because she loves me and she wants to see me grow because as I am growing, she is growing too because we are learning from each other. Now, when I say that she is not afraid to hold up a mirror, like when I'm in the middle of stuff, my own stuff, because you guys, we often are the creators of our own stuff. Okay. When I'm in the middle of that, she's not afraid to ask me hard questions. She asks me questions that help me to reflect when I am creating my own stuff, when I'm creating my own patterns. And she allows me to do the same. There is never any judgment, never any judgment. There is always love. And when I feel like I am being judged, guess what? That's me creating my stuff because I know she loves me and I know that she wants the best for me. And the same is true of how I show up in her life. And so if you do not have that friend, I'm going to give you some encouragement today. But if you do have that friend and you want to create a deeper connection with that friend, my hope is that through this podcast, you will feel confident enough to do that. That you will take the things that I am saying, the relationships that I am describing, and see how you can first be that person for someone else. So that you're building that deeper relationship and then they can reciprocate for you. Because anytime we want something for ourselves, the change has to start with us. Okay. So you know that friend, the one who loves us enough to tell us the truth, not the one who just sits and nods along. You know that one who says, Girl, you're fine. You did nothing wrong in that situation that you might be sharing with them. But the one who gently, and it is oftentimes uncomfortable, holds that mirror up and says, Hey, I think you might want to look at this. Tracy and I do this often. Do you have that friendship? Do you have that trust? Do you have that deep connection? And do you really listen when she speaks? Because remember, the change starts with us. So let's be honest. This type of relationship, this type of friendship is rare because most people are not open to receiving, or they're not open to being honest out of fear. And what this looks like is they don't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe they don't want conflict, or to be perfectly honest with you, they benefit by you staying the same. And on the flip side of that, most of us don't invite that kind of honesty. We're not open to hearing it, we're not open to receiving it. Or we say that we want it, but we resist when that friend actually does give us the good, hard advice or reflection that we truly need. Because being seen clearly, it feels exposing, it feels vulnerable, and vulnerability is uncomfortable. I know, I get it, but here's the truth you cannot change what you are unwilling to see, and that's for both the friend who is giving and the friend who is receiving. So that friend who is actually willing to reflect your patterns back, mirroring is a gift, even when it stings. Because in those rare relationships, she's not trying to attack you. She's revealing something that maybe you can't see on your own. Because I promise you, we all have blind spots. We have blind spots in the way that we show up in relationships. We have stories that we keep repeating, we have patterns that we keep repeating, and we have habits that could quietly be holding us back that we can't see for ourselves. And without that gift of reflection, we stay stuck in cycles that we don't even realize that we're actually in. And that's why this type of friendship, this type of kindredship can be so life-changing. But only if you are willing to ask these questions. Instead of being defensive, instead of feeling like you're being attacked. Let's talk about the hard part here for a second. Let's talk about why most people aren't willing to listen when someone is holding up that mirror and revealing to us our patterns, even when we do have that friend. Oftentimes what we do is we explain the behavior away. We always have a reason why we behave the way we do. We always have a reason as to, well, this is why I am that way. And oftentimes it looks like I'm just that way, right? We have reasons to justify our behaviors, or we make that person wrong so that we don't have to reflect on our behavior so that we don't have to make any changes. Because here's what happens when we truly listen. Listening requires humility. And humility often says there might be something here for me. And when we allow that statement, there might be something here for me. This is where growth begins. The moment that you stop protecting your patterns behind this is just the way that I am, or explaining it away. This happened because of, right? Allowing yourself to be humble and reflect on, hmm, there might be something more to what it is that she's saying. Then you have the opportunity to dive deep and to grow into that space. Now, again, I mentioned at the top of the podcast that this type of relationship is so very rare. And so it's totally okay if you do not have this type of relationship where you can have someone hold that mirror up to you where you can talk about the nitty-gritty of what's actually going in your life, where you have someone who sees you, the true you in all of your stuff. I want to tell you that this is not a hopeless situation, okay? Because this is exactly where a coach comes in, where you have that gap between you and what could potentially be those deep, honest relationships. So a reminder though is that if you do have that friend, that they are still human, okay? They have their biases towards you. And it makes so much sense because they love you and they want to see you happy. And oftentimes what happens is they have their own experiences. And so they bring in their experiences, they project what has happened to them. And so maybe they are not giving you the clear advice, the non-biased advice advice that you might need. Okay. And it just again, it makes so much sense because they have a personal emotional connection with you. So maybe it looks like a softening of the truth. Or because of the connection that you have, maybe it makes it a little bit harder to fully receive what it is that they are saying. So again, I just want to bring into the conversation that this is where a coach is different. Okay. A coach is someone who is completely neutral. They're not in the middle of your stuff. They are not emotionally entangled in your life. They are not someone who is trying to protect your feelings or protect your relationship with them. Yes, they want the absolute best for you, but they also want to see you grow. They also want to see you change. They also want to help you by walking alongside of you through that change. They want to help you to see clearly your potential and what is possible in your life. Your coach should be holding up a mirror without, but also without distortion. And sometimes that's exactly what you need to finally break a pattern, make a bold decision, step into the life that you keep saying that you want. So, my invitation to you today, if you do not have that friendship that is willing to hold up the mirror, that is willing to truly listen and ask you the hard questions without bias, without judgment, to help you to grow. I encourage you to reach out to a coach. I love working specifically with women. I love the way that our mind works. I love the way that we are constantly trying to problem solve and try to make life better. And so this is exactly what I offer inside my 12-week coaching program. So I would invite you to reach out to me, either click the link inside my show notes to go directly to my calendar, or shoot me an email and be vulnerable and just share with me what's going on in your life so that we can connect and we can talk about potential ways that we might be able to walk alongside each other as you are creating this space of growth in your life. So if you reach out to me by email, you can connect with me at Christy at Christy FelliniCoaching.com. And I will also post the link inside the show notes. So if you listen to last week's podcast about are you still dreaming? And you found it to be extremely helpful, but you still want more. I created a podcast companion specifically for you. It is completely free. It not only shares with you again on paper, so you don't have to hit pause and write the questions down. It shares with you on paper the five questions that I gave you to help you start dreaming again. Plus, it breaks it down into smaller chunks so that you can go deeper into each question. You can utilize this tool for any aspect of your life. Yesterday, I used it to help me to identify and to help me curate the next item that I am sharing inside my coaching practice. So, yes, there is something new in the works coming up, but I utilize this tool to help me hone in what I wanted to offer, to help me, you know, decide why do I want to offer it? Who are the women that are going to benefit from this next offer? And logistically, how can I make this happen? The tool is called Start Dreaming Again: A Gentle Return to the Life You Were Meant to Live. And as I mentioned, it is completely free. You can use it as a standalone tool, or you can use it in companionship with the podcast. So lots of different things going on here. Next week is our spring getaway in Marble Falls. 14 amazing women showing up for themselves to have fun, to relax, and to enjoy the connection and each other's company. And coming soon, another way that you and I can make high impact in your life by working together. So lots of things on the horizon for you to look forward to. All right, I'm wrapping this one up. I hope you have an amazing day. And again, if you do not have that close friend who is not afraid to hold up that mirror, reach out to me as your coach. Have a great day. Do you need a life coach? Wouldn't it be amazing to have a listening ear who understands where you're coming from? We could work on challenges, goals, relationships, and so much more. Email me at KB Fulaney. That's K B F A L A N Y at gmail.com. I have created an online coaching business to help you ignite that. passionate, enthusiastic woman who may have been tucked away for some time.