How To Friend:Loyalty

What does loyalty really look like in friendship between women? 

In this first episode of the How to Friend series, we’re talking about loyal friendship, growth, boundaries, and the painful reality that not every friendship survives change. 

This conversation is honest, healing, and deeply relatable for women craving more meaningful connection. 

Here are those reflection questions mentioned in the podcast:

• Who has been deeply loyal in my life? 
•  Am I the kind of friend I say I want? 
•  Have past hurts caused me to pull away from connection? 
•  Where could I become more intentional in friendship? 
•  Is there a friendship I need to grieve, heal, or release? 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Life doesn't always unfold the way we imagine. But sometimes the most beautiful growth begins when we choose to move forward anyway. Welcome to She Moves Forward. I'm Christy Filaney, and this is a space of honest conversations about becoming. Becoming more grounded, more authentic, more connected, and more fully yourself. Because healing happens in community. And none of us were meant to do life alone. Let's move forward together. Hello, my friend, and welcome back to the podcast. What did you think of that intro? It's something that I am trying on. So I'd love to hear your feedback. I'd love to hear from you. What do you think? So today I want to come to you because I have had this idea on my heart for quite some time. You know, this idea came to mind, you know, for a podcast, even before I took the women that I took on my four-day retreat to Marble Falls, I had this idea of like, what do I want to bring to that space? And what really came about during that time was my strong urge to allow women to just rest. And so when I brought that idea to them around let's rest, let's relax, and let's offer each other connection. I really, really felt like that was the space that was needed for that event. And so I've put this idea on hold. Um, but like I said, you know, it has come up again. And so I now I feel like, okay, this is it. This is the time to bring it into fruition. And so I'm going to do this over a couple of weeks. I'm going to offer you four different podcasts over a couple of weeks, and it's going to be a series on how to friend. Because we were never taught that, right? We were never taught how to be a good friend or how to receive a good friend. And I really feel like something that we are missing is connection. And the best way to connect with someone else is first by being a friend and being able to receive that friendship. And so I've done some research over the last several weeks. Um, I've done a couple Bible studies, and so I'm bringing all of these ideas together into this podcast series. So I hope that you will come along and you will join me on this journey. But what I do want to tell you is that there are what I believe four specific foundations for real connection and real friendship. And so over the next couple of weeks, these are the four real foundations that I want to share with you. The first one is loyalty. What does it mean to be loyal as a friend? The second one is companionship. Okay. And I believe that companionship and connection go right along with each other because when we feel connected to someone, of course, we want to spend time with them and we want to be around them. So companionship will be one of the episodes that I will be talking about, one of the foundations. Another foundation is encouragement. We have to be able to and willing to lift each other up, to encourage each other, to bring about new ideas, maybe that your friend did not think about as they are going through life. And so when we offer them a different perspective than what they are used to, I believe that if it's done in a loving manner, that it looks like encouragement. And then the last pillar is love. I remember several years ago feeling deep connection with my friends, deep connection. And I remember that I began to tell them I love you. And it felt so awkward at the time, you know, because you don't go around or I wasn't raised to go around telling my friends I love you. Now, the true friendships that I have in my life now, we tell each other all the time. But when this first came about inside me of having this deep affection for this person and wanting to see them do well and wanting to encourage them and wanting to spend time with them because I was receiving from them as well, it felt like love. It felt like the love that Jesus has for us. And so it's taken me a little bit of time to come out of that box and to stop feeling awkward about it. And so the last episode, the last foundation that I want to talk about is love. So I hope that you are interested in this series. I hope that you're intrigued. I hope that you're curious. And last but not least, I hope that it helps you to decide what type of friend you are. And what type of friend do you want to have in your life? Because you guys, friendship has the power to heal, to strengthen, to challenge, and completely change the way that we experience life. So today let's start talking about loyalty. So the actual definition for loyalty is a strong feeling of support or allegiance. But when it comes to friendships between women, loyalty goes far beyond agreement or proximity. What loyalty can actually look like is showing up consistently for that friend, protecting trust between the two of you. So protecting trust means that she feels so comfortable in sharing all of the things that are going on in her life. And she knows that you are protecting her trust. She knows that you aren't going to go on and tell her stories or tell her grievances or whatever it is that she's going through life with to someone else. That it's not going to look like a gossip session wrapped around a prayer request. Oh, we need to pray for so-and-so because she's going through blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay. I know sometimes we do that, but protecting her trust. It also looks like being honest with kindness and not just yeah, you've gained a few pounds or yeah, that shirt doesn't look so great on you. Being honest, allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to call her out when her actions and her motivations are not in alignment with the woman that you know that she wants to be. It can look like staying connected during hard seasons. Now you know that boy, my husband and I went through some tough things last year. We went through some tough things with both of us going through some physical ailments. But what you may not know, because my friends who protect my trust know that we were also going through some marital struggles. We were also going through a season where we just didn't know, are we gonna make it? But my friends who have that loyalty for me protected my trust during those times. And there are friends who weren't privy to that information because I didn't feel safe. I didn't feel like our friendship had that type of loyalty where trust was protected. And so another thing that loyalty looks like is that we are celebrating each other without competition. Your best friend should not be your biggest competitor. Your group of friends, the ladies that you hang out with on the daily, on the weekly, should not also be in competition with you. They should not be one-upping you and telling you how wonderful their life is all of the time. Ladies, those are not your loyal friends. And lastly, lastly, and this one is so important. Refusing to disappear the moment things get uncomfortable. Now, what I mean by this is you should be able to have uncomfortable conversations with your friends that are loyal. And you should be able to have these uncomfortable conversations because you guys have already developed that trust. Okay, this is what loyalty looks like. Loyalty says I'm not just here for when life is easy, I'm here because you matter, and honestly, finding loyal friends is rare. Finding loyal friends is rare, and I firmly believe that as we mature in our own spiritual walk and as we grow into the identity that Christ created us to be, those friendships are supposed to become rare because as you are growing, the relationships that don't encompass all of those things that I mentioned as showing loyalty, not all of your relationships are going to have all of those things, not all of your relationships are going to have those characteristics, and not only that, but we live in a culture that often teaches convenience over commitment. Now, what I mean by that is do you have that friend who always tends to call you when they need to vent, when they need to chat, when they need something? Because I'm sure if you are anywhere near my age, which I think I'm I think I'll be 53 this year, I never do the math, but if you're anywhere near my age, you have probably had those friendships, you know, the friendships of convenience, not the friendships of true commitment. And what that looks like is that if something feels awkward, they back away. Maybe they leave. If someone disappoints you or you disappoint them, they disappear. Maybe it's that when the friendship becomes work, they replace you. But what I want to tell you is that meaningful friendship was never meant to be disposable. Meaningful connections was never meant to be here today, gone tomorrow, when things get tough. Here's my one of my all-time favorite pieces of scripture that really kind of came back up to the surface as I was doing studies, you know, for this podcast series. It's um the Bible verse, Proverbs 17, 17. A friend loves at all times. Now, I love this scripture because it doesn't say a friend loves only when we agree with each other. A friend loves only when life is fun. A friend loves only when they or I understand everything. Because isn't that where conflict happens? Is when there is a misunderstanding, whether it be that I didn't understand your behavior or you didn't understand my boundaries. Isn't that when our friendships start to fall away? It says in this scripture, a friend loves at all times. That doesn't mean that we tolerate unhealthy behavior or abandon our own boundaries, but it does mean that healthy friendships require consistency, continuous grace, honesty, and maturity. Real loyalty is tested in the difficult seasons. Now, as I mentioned earlier, last year, my husband and I went through a difficult season, and I could tell during that time who I had the real relationships with, the real friendships with, because real friendship is going to be tested in those difficult seasons. So let's talk about why loyalty feels hard. Why does it feel hard? I think many women deeply, deeply want connection, and that's what I strived for so hard is creating connection inside my retreat that I had in April and also in my upcoming book experience. And it has also been something that I have been fostering and nurturing in my own life, in the circles that I surround myself in. And so I think that there are other women out there who truly want to have those deep connections, but they're terrified. They've been hurt, they're terrified and afraid to authentically put themselves out there because of the hurt that they have felt in the past. And honestly, many of us have been hurt. We've experienced gossip, we've experienced jealousy, we've experienced distance without understanding why. We have experienced being forgotten, and maybe we have experienced feeling like we were the only one trying, like we were the only one working towards this relationship. And so instead of risking disappointment again, we slowly stop reaching out, we slowly start to distance ourselves, we slowly stop creating spaces for other women to enter. And we do this because we become guarded and we call it independence, right? There are so many of us walking around this world telling ourselves, well, it's just because I'm so independent when it actually is self-protection. And I tell you what, while independence can feel beautiful at times, trust me, I love me a good quiet morning, and I love me a good quiet house when nobody is at home. I love that part of being independent, but we have to be careful about that because sometimes those quiet times turn into isolation, and the biggest culprit here is social media, okay? Social media gives us the illusion of connection, but many women are still deeply lonely, and I'm one of those women. There have been times when I have gone through seasons of my life where I have felt disconnected, where I have felt lonely, where I have allowed myself to be isolated. And so I want you to be aware of that because what real friendships actually require is vulnerability. It requires honesty, it requires intentional effort on both sides, and loyalty requires courage, it requires being willing to stay connected, even when life gets busy, or when the relationship feels awkward, when it feels like, uh, I didn't quite say that right, or I should have been perfect with the way that I'm showing up in this relationship, when it just feels hard. I recently had two of my closest friends. Move away. And I was grateful to understand that they were hurting too, that they were afraid of losing the connection. And one specific friend told me, I am so good at long-distance relationships. And yes, I was sad. I felt like I was losing my friend. But the connection that we have had since she has left has been so meaningful. Because when things get hard, I know that I can pick up the phone and I can call her and she'll talk me through it. She'll help me to see things that I'm not seeing. She'll help me to see in myself where I'm not being in alignment and where I am not being my genuine self. And so don't let those things like being busy, having distance between each other, don't allow those things to keep you from having that loyal, loving relationship with that friend. Now, here's something that I think that is really, really important to mention during this particular episode is that not every friendship is going to survive growth. Now, you've heard me say it before, and if you haven't, if this is your first time listening to this podcast, we were not meant to stay stagnant. We are meant to continue to grow. And sometimes one person begins to heal, they begin to change, they begin to start setting healthy boundaries for themselves, they begin to dream bigger or become more of themselves to become more authentically who they were meant to be. And maybe the friendships that you had can no longer hold the new version of you. And I want you to know that yes, that can be incredibly painful. It can be really, really hard. And I promise you, some of the friendships that I have seen for myself go by the wayside have been due to growth. Whether it be that I am growing and that person is no longer able to hold space for who I am becoming, or maybe it's been that one of my friends has continued on and has grown into her own path. And our relationship together is no longer in alignment for a greater purpose. And again, I know that this could feel like a loss, it could feel extremely painful, and maybe you do have to go through a period of grieving during this time. And I want you to know that it is totally okay. It doesn't mean that you are becoming, you know, this higher version of yourself and your old friendships are no longer elevated to that version. You don't have to look at it in that respect. It could just be the acknowledgement of we are both changing. And as we're growing, we're growing in different directions. And it's okay. Don't allow yourself to think that new relationships are not going to come into your path because they are and they will as long as you are willing to stay open to them. I think one of the hardest lessons for women is realizing loyalty and access are not the same things. We can love someone, we can wish them well, we can honor what that friendship once brought, and we can still recognize that that relationship is no longer healthy, it may no longer be mutual, and it may no longer be in alignment. Walking away doesn't mean that someone is bad or that someone, you know, is hurtful or anything like that. Sometimes it simply means the friendship can no longer grow in the same direction. And I think many women need permission to understand that because loyalty should never require self-abandonment. Loyalty should never look like you are acting as a different version of your authentic self in order to keep that relationship intact. So, what does loyal friendship look like? It looks like checking in when someone goes quiet, when you notice that that friend hasn't responded to your text messages or isn't responding to your phone call. Check in on them and see: is there something going on? Is there something that they need to talk through? Is there some reason for the quiet? It looks like celebrating another woman's success genuinely. True friendships are about encouraging each other. It's about, you know, rooting for that person and wanting to see them succeed, no matter how small or how big their dream is. It looks like telling the truth and being kind about it. We don't have to tell the truth and it's hurtful in any way. It looks like I love you and okay, true friendships, loyal friendships also look like keeping confidences. And again, a prayer request is gossip when you are tagging on that person's story, okay? Don't do that. You can certainly ask for prayers for that person and still keep their confidence. It looks like apologizing when necessary. It looks like understanding, asking the questions. Do I need to apologize for this? In whatever situation that calls for an apology, ask yourself, what is my part in this? It looks like giving grace during the hard seasons. Okay. When my husband and I were, you know, going through the hellacious year that last year was, there were times that I was quiet. There were times that I didn't want to talk about every little thing. I didn't want to talk about what was going on during that hard time. And so my friends gave me grace. My clients gave me grace. They allowed for me to not be on point. They allowed for when I made mistakes, they gave me grace. And the last thing is that you know the phrase that I just absolutely hate is tit for tat. Because tit for tat and us feeling like everything has to be tit for tat. Well, she did this for me, so I should do this for them. It's transactional. That's what it is. It's I'm gonna do this because you did this, and that's not what loyalty in friendship looks like. It looks like, oh my gosh, I noticed that my friend is down and she needs my hand. And there might come a time when that friend is down and you need to lift them up. Okay. This is what true loyalty looks like. It is not in any way, shape, or form transactional. And sometimes loyalty just simply looks like consistency. Like there has there does not have to be any grand gestures. It doesn't have to look like perfection on her end or my end. It sometimes just looks like presence, the friend who stays, the friend who remembers, the friend who reaches out, the friend who tells the truth lovingly, the friend who genuinely wants to see you become who you were created to be. Now, I don't want you to listen to this entire podcast and then think, ah, I've got to please her. Okay, because loyalty can sometimes look like people pleasing. And no, you do not want to get caught up in that transaction. Okay, so let's talk for just a minute about loyalty versus people pleasing. Now I want to tell you something important. First, loyalty is never self-abandonment. Healthy loyalty still includes boundaries, it still includes honesty, it still includes discernment. Being loyal does not mean tolerating manipulation, disrespect, dishonesty, or any type of unhealthy behavior. Real loyalty is rooted in love and truth. The other one of my favorite verses comes from, you know, the commandments. Love God and love people. Real loyalty is rooted in love and truth. It is never rooted in the fear of losing someone. And sometimes the most loving thing that we can do is lovingly step back from relationships that are no longer healthy or no longer in alignment in the woman that you are becoming. So before we leave this podcast, I want to give you a couple of reflection questions, things that I want you to spend some time with. Sit down with these questions. Who has been deeply loyal in my life? Today, during my reflection time, I want to be honest with you, I've been struggling in a couple of my friendships. And so what I did today was I wrote down all of the women in my life who encompass or who I see these four pillars in the loyalty, the encouragement, the companionship, and the love. I wrote down the women in my life who encompass these four pillars. And I question myself, like, why am I allowing myself to feel sad over the possibility of losing relationships that may no longer be in alignment when I have all of these amazing women who show up in all four of these pillars for me? The next reflection question I want you to think about is am I the kind of friend that I say that I want? Okay. Really reflect on that. Am I being the kind of friend that I would love to have? Number three, have past hurts caused me to pull away from connection? So are you one of those women who is afraid to put yourself out there because maybe other women who said that they were your friends didn't treat you as well and you feel hurt by that? Are you allowing past hurts to keep you from the connection that you truly want? The next one, where could I become more intentional in my friendships? You know, as I mentioned to you earlier in the podcast, two of my closest friends just moved away. And yes, I need to be intentional with keeping those relationships, with reaching out, but there are so many other women out there for me to meet. So while we cannot, you know, necessarily hold on to the companionship that we had, we can't go to dinner once a week like we used to. We can't, you know, hang out on the beach like we used to, but there are so many other women who want to do those things with me. And so, how are you going to be intentional in creating your friendships? And then the last one is there a friendship I need to grieve, I need to heal, or I need to release. And again, being honest with you, I feel like I'm in that space in a couple of my friendships. And so I just want to encourage you and let you know that if this podcast resonated with you, you are not alone. And I hope that me being vulnerable with you and sharing my own story in these situations has encouraged you to look at the relationships in your life. And as I mentioned, spend some time with these reflection questions. I know sometimes it's hard when you're hearing them over a podcast. So I'm also going to type them up for you in the show notes because I want you to be intentional on this quest of creating amazing connections in your life by creating wonderful friendships. So I'm gonna close us out here. And just the last thing that I want you to understand is that friendships isn't about finding the perfect people, it's about learning how to consistently show up for one another with honesty, with grace, with encouragement and love. And it's about loyalty. And maybe listening to this podcast, you've created a new definition for yourself about loyalty. But what I will tell you is that loyalty is one of the greatest gifts that we can offer another woman in a world where so many people tend to disappear. So if connection is what you're craving, I want to ask you to come along on this journey with me. I am doing an awesome book experience. Now, when I say experience, I mean that we're not just joining a book club where we're gonna read a book and in a month get together and talk about it and ask each other questions. No, we are being intentional with this space. The women who have already joined are so loving, who are so caring. And if those are the types of women that you need in your life, this is the space for you. We're gonna meet weekly and we are going to dive deep into what we are learning in these books. The first book we're gonna start with, it's called Get Out of Your Head by Jenny Allen. And quite honest with you, we all need some of that in our lives. Getting out of our own head, getting out of our own way. So if this is something that you might be interested in, again, go to the show notes and I'm gonna put the link there. All right, you guys, I hope you have an amazing day. And I hope that you feel encouraged about this series called How to Friend. If you have questions about anything that I talked about today, if you have stories that you want to share with me that maybe you need some encouragement with, I want you to reach out to me through email. I'll put it in the show notes. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, you can send me a message through Messenger. I would love to hear from you. All right. Go out and create those friendships created in loyalty. Until next time, have a great day.