How To Friend: Encouragment

What if encouragement is more than saying something nice?

In this episode of the How to Friend series, we're talking about the kind of friendships that help us become who we're meant to be. The friends who remind us of our strengths when we've forgotten them. The friends who celebrate our growth, speak life into our struggles, and love us enough to tell us the truth when we need to hear it. 

This Week's Challenge:

Encourage three women this week. Be specific. Tell them what you admire, appreciate, or see in them. Your words may be exactly what they need to hear.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Life doesn't always unfold the way we imagine. But sometimes the most beautiful growth begins when we choose to move forward anyway. Welcome to She Moves Forward. I'm Christy Filaney, and this is a space of honest conversations about becoming. Becoming more grounded, more authentic, more connected, and more fully yourself. Because healing happens in community, and none of us were meant to do life alone. Let's move forward together. Hello and welcome back to the podcast. This is Christy Filaney, the podcast host of She Moves Forward. Today we are continuing with our series of How to Friend. So in the first episode, we talked about loyalty, the kind of friend who stays. And then in the second episode, we talked about companionship, that friend who you know is going to come alongside you in your journey through life. And so today I am so excited to share with you the third installment of How to Friend. And this episode is all about encouragement. And I have a feeling that this episode is going to resonate with so many women, whether they realize it or not, every single one of us needs encouragement. Now, not the shallow complimentary type, but the kind that reminds us of who we truly are, even when we've forgotten who we are, the kind that helps us keep going, when life feels hard. And there's so many seasons where life just feels hard. The kind of encouragement that speaks truth when we are struggling to see it ourselves. So the scripture that comes to mind when I think about encouragement and friendship is First Thessalonians 5, 11, which says, therefore, encourage one another and build each other up. Y'all, I love this scripture because it paints a picture of what friendship can look like. It doesn't look like competing with each other, it doesn't look like comparing with one another. It is one of building each other up. It's helping each other become stronger, helping each other become more of who God created each of us to be. And honestly, I think that's something that we are all so desperately needing. Those friendships that build us up and help us to become who God created us to be. So I want to ask you, what comes to mind when you think of encouragement or when you think of giving someone encouraging words? You see, for a long time I thought encouragement was simply saying nice things, simply being complimentary, telling them how pretty they look, congratulating them on their accomplishments, you know, giving them those compliments. And those things do matter, but encouragement goes so much deeper than just compliments. The word encouragement actually means to inspire courage. So when you break it down, to inspire courage. And I love this definition because encouragement isn't just about making someone feel good in the moment, it's about helping them find the courage to keep going, the courage to try again when something doesn't go their way or as expected, the courage to heal those old wounds that tend to keep us stuck in the past, or the courage to take a risk, to try new things, to put themselves out there, and the courage to believe something different about themselves. You see, when I think about the people who have encouraged me most in my life, I don't necessarily remember every compliment they gave me. What I remember is how they made me feel. Now, when I met Mary Ellen, she had no idea I was secretly carrying that guardedness around my heart. She simply saw a new friend. She also had no idea that I recently had lost my mother. So when she came to me in such a loving, gentle way, she in a lot of ways reminded me of what it was like to have my mom. And a funny story around this that is that we would actually find out later that she and my mom were actually born on the same exact day, December 4th. So here we go. Just one more special reason to celebrate that day. So one thing that I've learned over the years is that encouragement and flattery definitely are not the same things. Flattery tells people what they want to hear. Encouragement tells people what's true. Flattery is often focused on approval, where encouragement feels like growth. So for instance, encouragement says things like, I see strength in you, I see growth in you, I see courage in what you're doing. I see something in you that maybe you can't see yet. And sometimes that's exactly what someone needs to have someone tell them those things, to have someone encourage them in that way, see things that they might not be seeing. So sometimes we borrow someone else's belief in us until we can actually believe it ourselves. I do this with my clients all the time. I remind them that it is okay to borrow the belief that I have in them until they have cultivated and adopted their own belief in themselves. So here is where I think friendship gets really interesting. Because when we talk about encouragement, most people think about the friend who cheers us on, the friend who celebrates all our wins. And yes, that's an important part of it. But some of the most encouraging friends in our lives are also the ones who are willing to tell us the truth. The truth in love. These are the ones who love us enough to sit us down and have those tough conversations. These are the ones who won't let conflict or hurt feelings get in the way of the intimacy of a true friendship. Because let me tell you, the difficult times is when all of you is on display to be seen if you are truly being real with your friends. So let me give you some examples here. Have you ever had a friend look at you and say, Are you okay? Something feels off. This happened with me and my friend Tracy when my husband was going through all of his health concerns. There were so many disappointments and backslides with his recovery that she would look at me and she would say, You cannot be okay. But it was always ingrained in me that you just pick up and keep going. It was always ingrained in me that you don't show anything but your poker face. You don't show your emotions. And so you just pick up and you keep going. And so I was so grateful that she offered me that space and that she noticed in me the things that were going on around me to notice that no, I was not okay. Or maybe it looks like I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit, especially when we are going through a growth period and we are not able to see the changes that we are making in our lives. Or those times when we really, really want change in our life, but we decide to settle for something less. That girlfriend is going to tell you, I think you're settling. Or even, I don't think this relationship is healthy for you. These are the types of conversations that can become very uncomfortable. In fact, sometimes they're the conversations that we resist the most because they're so uncomfortable. But often they are the ones that offer us true growth. One of my favorite verses about friendship is actually found in Proverbs 27:6. Faithful are the wounds of a friend. Now I know that that can sound a little bit strange, but I think what it's saying is that a true friend is willing to have those hard conversations, especially when it's needed. Not because they want to hurt you, but because they love you, because they care about your future. They care about and want what's best for you. The healthiest friendships have room for both encouragement and accountability. And someone who reminds you of your strengths, and someone who will lovingly point out those blind spots. Someone who not only celebrates your growth, but who isn't afraid to challenge what's holding you back. Y'all, that is not criticism. That is love. Now, something that I like to think about in my friendships is that the encouragement that my friend offers is calling out the gold. So through coaching different women and leading retreats and facilitating events like my coffee and connection groups or even the book experience that I'm doing right now, I have noticed that many women can easily see the strengths in everyone else. Have you ever noticed that? That they can easily pick out the strengths in someone else when they say, girl, you're so brave. You're resilient. Look how capable you are. But when it comes to ourselves, we are so much harder on ourselves. And that's why we need these women in our lives who are willing to remind us, who are willing to say, you have no idea how far you've come. Or do you realize how strong you are? Sometimes other people can see the gold before we can. And one of the greatest gifts that we can give another woman is to help her see the gold in herself. So this week, as you are thinking about encouragement, I have a couple of questions that I want you to reflect on as being a friend and also being on the receiving end of those friendships. So thinking about yourself. Are you someone who is willing to build up other people? Are you that someone who is encouraging the other women around you? Or do you only receive? So I want you to sit with this for a moment and think about how you are showing up in your relationships. So are you someone who builds up the people around you? And the next one is: are there people in your life who speak truth to you? Do you have those friends who know you well enough, who is able to see when you have your guard up, who you have lovingly let in all of your seasons, the good ones and the messy ones. And do you have people in your life who are willing to speak the truth? Because if you have not yet cultivated these types of relationships, I would first ask myself why. So this week I want to challenge you to not only think about those two questions, but I want you to go out and I want you to encourage other women, even if it's someone that you don't even know, encourage them. And I want you to be specific. If it is someone who you are an acquaintance with, send them a quick note, leave them a sticky on their desk. Or for someone who you do know and you know that they could need some encouragement, leave them a voice message. Tell them that you're thinking about them because you have no idea how encouragement might impact them in whatever season it is that they are going through. So before we wrap up, I want to tell you it is definitely not too late to join us on the book experience. We are only in week one, which means we have just started reading the first three chapters. So you totally have time to catch up. Plus, I recorded our orientation call and would absolutely share that with you. I will go ahead and post the link inside the show notes because we would love to have you in that space. You see, one of my favorite things about gathering women together is watching them encourage each other. Watching this encouragement happen naturally. So if you are looking for the kind of community that encourages each other and lifts each other up, you'll find all of those details inside the show notes. And I cannot wait to see you there in that space. Because you guys, at the end of the day, I think all of us need people who remind us who we are when life tries to convince us otherwise. People who speak courage when we're afraid, hope when we're discouraged, truth when we're feeling stuck, people who will celebrate our strengths and lovingly challenge us to grow. Because again, encouragement isn't just saying something nice, it's helping another person find the courage to keep moving forward. And sometimes that is one of the greatest gifts a friend can give. So until next time, or until I see you inside the book experience, ladies, keep moving forward. I'll talk to you next time.