When Helping Hurts: The Hidden Cost Of Overfunctioning

Are you carrying the emotional weight of everyone around you?

In this episode of She Moves Forward, we're talking about overfunctioning, emotional labor, and the mental load so many women carry in their relationships, families, and daily lives. If you're feeling emotionally exhausted, overwhelmed, resentful, or burned out from always being the strong one, this conversation will help you recognize the signs of overfunctioning and begin establishing healthier boundaries.

Together, we'll explore the difference between loving and managing, supporting and carrying, and how faith can help us release burdens that were never ours to carry.

Reflection Question: What have you been carrying that was never yours to carry? 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Life doesn't always unfold the way we imagine. But sometimes the most beautiful growth begins when we choose to move forward anyway. Welcome to She Moves Forward. I'm Christy Filaney, and this is a space of honest conversations about becoming. Becoming more grounded, more authentic, more connected, and more fully yourself. Because healing happens in community. And none of us were meant to do life alone. Let's move forward together. Hello, my friend, and welcome back to the podcast. You are listening to She Moves Forward with myself, Christy Filane. And I am so very excited that you chose to press play today. And I am just so excited to talk to you about this particular subject. And I'm really kind of second-guessing that word excited. I want to talk to you about a concept that has been showing up quite a lot lately. And if you don't mind, can I tell you something that I've been really pondering and realizing in myself lately? I think I've spent a lot of my life carrying things that were actually never mine to carry. And honestly, I didn't even know that I was doing it. I've been asking myself some really hard questions lately. Like, at what point did being loving become managing? At what point did being supportive become carrying responsibilities that weren't mine? I've realized that so much of my energy has gone into anticipating others' needs, even softening my words and softening my messages, adjusting the way that I communicate and making sure that everyone else around me is okay. And I'm sure you're like already raising your hand saying, yes, that's me. And while there is certainly a place for kindness, yes, and consideration, I myself am beginning to wonder if I've crossed the line into taking responsibility for things that God never really asked me to carry. And maybe you've found yourself there too. Lately I've been hearing a phrase that keeps showing up in conversations, in books, in podcasts that I've listened to, in social media feeds. You know how when you look something up, all of a sudden it keeps showing up on your socials and it keeps popping up in suggestions. The word that I've been hearing over and over again is overfunctioning. The first time I heard this, I thought, well, that sounds interesting. And I kind of just kept scrolling. But the more that I heard it, the more uncomfortable I became because I started seeing it in my own behaviors. I started seeing it in my own relationships. Now, not all of it, not every example, but enough of it that I could no longer ignore it. And maybe that's why I wanted to talk to you about it today because it keeps popping up for me. And maybe it is something that you have been struggling with as well. Or maybe you have never heard of it before. Maybe this is completely new to you. And so I hope that you will listen to this episode with an open mind and an open heart. Because I have a feeling there are a lot of women listening who are tired, who are frustrated, and maybe even a little resentful if you're being honest. And they don't fully understand why. For years, I thought being responsible was one of my strengths. And it is. Being dependable is a strength. Being caring is a strength. Being thoughtful of others is definitely a strength. But somewhere along the way, I think many of us have crossed over an invisible line. We've moved from being responsible for ourselves to feeling responsible for everyone else around us. And that's where overfunctioning begin. Overfunctioning isn't just doing a lot. It's not having a busy full calendar. It's not being overproductive. Overfunctioning is when you start taking responsibility for things that belong to other people. It's when you become the emotional manager, the problem solver, the reminder system, the peacemaker, the planner, the one who keeps everything moving and everything functioning. It's when you're carrying so much of the mental and emotional load that you don't even realize how heavy it's become. The thing that really opened my eyes was learning about emotional labor. I think this is where so many women live every single day. And if this is a new phrase for you, emotional labor is the invisible work going on in your brain that no one else sees. It's remembering what everyone else has going on, reminding them where they're supposed to be and what time they're supposed to be there. It's the person who thinks ahead. Managing their expectations, managing your conversations, managing relationships, and managing other people's emotions. It's being the person who notices when something is wrong before anyone has to say a word, because you're so in tuned with their facial expressions and their body operations. And here's what I've been noticing in my own life. Before I have a difficult conversation, I just don't think about what it is that I want to say. I think about how the other person may perceive it. I think about whether this is the right time. How can I soften what I'm gonna say? I think about how they'll feel afterwards. I think about how long they'll need to process it. I think about how I can make the conversation easier for them. And one day I caught myself doing this and I thought, wait a minute. Why am I carrying all of this before the conversation has even happened? Now, please hear me on this. I'm not saying that we should not be thoughtful. I'm not saying that we shouldn't be kind. I'm not saying that we should walk around saying whatever it is we want without considering the people that we love. That's not what I'm talking about at all. I'm talking about the difference between consideration and responsibility because those are not the same things. I can be responsible for speaking with kindness. I cannot be responsible for another adult reaction. I can communicate clearly. I cannot control how someone interprets my words. I can love someone deeply. I cannot do their emotional work for them. And I think that this is where many of us actually get stuck. What I've discovered is that I've spent so much time helping that what I'm actually doing is caring. I've spent so much time supporting that it's turned into managing. I've spent so much time loving that I've begun assuming responsibility for things that were never mine in the first place. And if you're wondering whether this might be showing up in your own life, I want to just ask you a couple of questions. Do you often feel responsible for keeping the peace? Do you find yourself constantly thinking about everyone else's needs while rarely stopping to ask yourself what it is that you need? Do you feel guilty when you sit down to rest? Or are you unsettled when you choose to rest? Is there things going on in your brain of things that you could or should be doing? Do you struggle to ask for help because it's just easier to do it yourself? Do you find yourself becoming resentful that nobody seems to help? Nobody notices that you even need the help. Do you spend a lot of your energy trying to prevent other people from feeling uncomfortable or disappointed, frustrated, or even upset? If you're nodding your head right now, you may be carrying way more than you realize. And here's the thing that nobody talks about. Eventually, the strong will get tired. Not because she's weak, not because she doesn't love her family, not because she suddenly became this selfish person. She's tired. She's tired because she's been carrying the emotional weight of an entire system. The system has a funny way of adapting. The more one person carries, the less the other has to. The more one person manages, the less everyone else learns to manage. The more one person rescues, the less everyone else learns responsibility. That's a difficult truth, my friends. I know that it has definitely been a difficult truth for me. Because if I'm honest, there have been moments where I've looked around and thought, why am I carrying all of this by myself? But the harder question is this have I been carrying things that never belonged to me in the first place? That question, that one question, has changed a lot for me. Because suddenly the goal isn't getting everyone else to change. The goal is learning where I end and someone else begins. The goal is recognizing what is mine to carry and what isn't. So, what do we do if we realize that we've been overfunctioning? I think the first step is awareness. Just start noticing. Notice how often you take responsibility for other people's emotions. Notice how often you jump in before someone else has the chance to solve their own problem. Notice how often you say yes when you really mean no. And I'm gonna tell you, no is an answer, and no is okay. Notice how often you make yourself responsible for keeping everyone else happy. And then the second step is letting people experience the weight of their own responsibilities and their own consequence. That doesn't sound loving at first. I know that because we want to protect our loved ones, but it actually is. Because when we constantly carry things for other people, we rob them of the opportunities to grow. And finally, I think we have to learn to tolerate discomfort. Y'all, I know that this is the hardest one because when you have spent years managing everything, stepping back feels uncomfortable. Letting the people that we love have consequences and sometimes even fail feels uncomfortable. And let's be honest about it. People may be disappointed when you stop overfunctioning, they may have feelings about it, they may need to figure things out on their own. And that's okay, that's part of you keeping your peace. Part of becoming emotionally healthy is allowing other adults to own their own thoughts, their feelings, their choices, and their growth. And as I think about all this, I keep coming back to my faith because Jesus loved people deeply, he served people, he cared for people, he showed compassion everywhere he went, but he didn't take responsibility for everyone. He didn't force people to change, he loved faithfully and allowed people the dignity of making their own choices. Maybe that's what God is teaching me in this season. Maybe love doesn't mean carrying everything, maybe support doesn't mean managing everything. Maybe faith looks like trusting God enough to put down the burdens He never asked us to pick up. So let me leave you with a question that I have been asking myself. What have you been carrying that was never yours to carry? I want you to sit with that this week. I want you to take some time to journal about it, to pray about it. And if God puts his finger on something that you've been holding too tightly to, maybe this is your invitation to finally release it. Not because you've stopped loving, but because you're learning the difference between loving and caring. I want to thank you so much for spending this time with me today. And if any of this spoke to your heart today, I would truly love to connect with you. Please feel free to reach out to me either through my social media or through my email and just share your own reflections. Ask me your questions or even just tell me about the journey that you've been on in overfunctioning and in that invisible labor. Some of the most meaningful moments happen in those quiet conversations after an episode like this concludes. And if you're searching for a community where you can keep growing alongside other women, I want to personally invite you to our next book experience. We will be starting in August and we're going to be diving into You Are the Girl for the Job by Jess Connolly. Together, we'll talk through what it looks like to stop holding ourselves back, to trust the woman God designed us to be and to step into the life He has already prepared for us with a new sense of confidence and courage. The book experience is a beautiful gathering of amazing women filled with honest conversation and space where you are reminded that you don't have to carry the weight of figuring everything out all by yourself. All the information you need is waiting for you inside the show notes. Again, I want to thank you for giving me some of your time today. It truly means the world to me. Until we meet again, please remember you were never meant to carry everything and keep moving forward.