323: Parenting a 3-Year-Old is Hard…Here’s How I’m Surviving 😵‍💫

If you’re parenting a 3-year-old right now and wondering what in the actual world is happening?! …this episode is for you.

The 3s have been a whole new ballgame in our house. After a couple of months of flailing, trying different things, and occasionally parenting from my own completely dysregulated state, I finally created a simple framework that helps me know what to do when the tantrums and big feelings hit.

In this episode, I share:

• The framework supporting me in parenting right now: The 4 Cs to Handle the 3s
• A few reassuring facts about 3-year-olds and why big feelings are a normal part of development
• A few other things that have helped us navigate this season with a little more consistency, connection, and sanity

| RESOURCES |

⋒ Timer
⋒ Hatch sound machine
⋒ Daily routine chart
⋒ Join Study Hall
⋒ 2027 collection sneak peek highlight
⋒ Sign up for Hustle Sanely emails
⋒ This episode’s blog post
⋒ Instagram: @jessmmassey & @hustlesanely

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hi, besties. I'm so glad that you're here and I hope you're taking care of yourself. Welcome to Hustle Sanely, a podcast about slowing down, letting go of the pressure to do it all, and making more room for what matters most. We are breaking up with hustle culture and building peacefully productive lives so we can pursue our goals without sacrificing our well-being. If you constantly feel spread too thin, your mind is always working through what needs to get done next, and you're running on fumes by the time you get to the people you love. You are in the right place. Before we get into it today, if you're wondering about the 2027 collection launch, make sure that you are on our email list because that is where we have been sending updates. We are getting so, so, so, so, so close to launch. And if you missed it, I've been sharing a lot of sneak peeks over on my Instagram. I will link the highlight in the show notes where I've saved a lot of the sneak peeks. We have a new cover option and a new weekly spread option. Y'all, we finally have a horizontal weekly planner, but don't worry, okay, if you're a vertical girl, our original vertical weekly layout with the timestamps isn't going anywhere. We just added a second option to choose from. Seriously, y'all, if you want to stay in the know with all things that have to do with the 2027 collection, go get on our email list. I will leave a link for you to sign up for Hustle Stanley emails in the show notes. And let's get into today's episode. Today's episode is for my fellow moms out there. And let me just start off right out of the gate by saying, I am so far from a parenting expert that it's not even funny. Okay. I have a three and a half year old, and my husband and I are truly just figuring out this whole parenting thing as we go, like in real time. I feel like you can read all the parenting books, you can take parenting courses, like whatever. But you really do just have to do the dang thing in real time to figure out what actually works best for you and your family when it comes to parenting. I have always heard about, and I'm putting this in quotes, the terrible twos, like even before I became a mom, I'd heard that phrase so often. Truthfully, the twos were pretty straightforward for us. And I was like, oh, okay, this is the terrible twos. Amazing. Like, we've got this. Jokes on me, because then my sweet angel daughter turned three, and excuse my language, but all hell broke loose, y'all. Like it really felt like a switch flipped, and all of a sudden she was pushing boundaries, disobeying, having tantrums. And my husband and I were like, What is happening? Like, what do we do here? She was throwing a fit over us, giving her the wrong cup, or opening her snack wrong, or putting on her blanket wrong. We spent a good like two months just kind of flailing and throwing things at the wall to see what stuck parenting-wise, and nothing felt like it was working. My bestie was over a few weeks ago, and her daughter is almost three, and she's been experiencing some of the same challenges. And we were just chatting about how it's so easy to do silly things and say silly things when you're in the heat of the moment if you don't have a rhythm or a plan to follow during these toddler outbursts. And when I say silly things, I mean like things that you say or do, and then afterwards you're like, oh my God, like why did I say that? There are so many times when I'll discipline Everly as in discipline to teach from my own dysregulated state. And then I'll have to go back and apologize and kind of like reparent because I wasn't proud of how I handled something. I talked about this in the last episode, but my brain loves a framework. I find comfort in them. They help keep me emotionally regulated and make decisions from an emotionally stable place rather than going off the rails, if you know what I'm saying. So naturally, I made up a framework that I call the four C's to handle the threes. And it's really helped me navigate being the mom of a three-year-old in a sane-ish way. Emphasis on the ish. Okay. So before I share it with you, I want to share some stuff that's brought me a lot of comfort as a parent. So tantrums are developmentally normal for a three-year-old. The American Academy of Pediatrics says that tantrums are a normal part of development and are most common between ages one and three. Some kids simply have more than others because temperament does play a role. I say this to myself almost every single day as a reminder. She literally doesn't have a fully formed brain yet. I have to remind myself of that. I like say it in my mind out loud. Sometimes I will say it to Adam. She literally does not have a fully formed brain yet. Talking about Everly, okay. I do have a fully formed brain. The second thing that brings me comfort as the mom of a three-year-old is nearly nine out of 10 kids have tantrums. One study found that 87% of parents reported their children had experienced tantrums, with most children beginning around the ages two or three. More than half of the children who had tantrums no longer had them after age five. So it's just comforting to know that this is kind of a universal experience. They're developmentally supposed to be doing this, and there is an end date range, okay? And then some other facts that just like bring me comfort. I'm the type of person I find comfort in facts, okay? The third one is being able to talk about feelings doesn't mean that they can regulate them. I have to remind myself of this so often. Three-year-olds have rapidly developing language skills, but their ability to manage frustration, disappointment, anger, and other intense emotions is still very much under construction. The fourth thing that brings me a little bit of comfort is a meltdown isn't necessarily manipulation because I feel like people say that all the time, like, oh, my kid is trying to manipulate me. I don't think so. When young children become overwhelmed, they can genuinely lose their ability to regulate themselves. They're not necessarily choosing to behave badly or like treat you poorly. They may just need help getting back to a calm state before they can learn or problem solve. And I was reading in a book, I wish I remembered the name of the book and I would share it with you, but I don't remember. But it was talking about how, as parents, it is our job to let our children borrow our calm nervous systems. That being said, it is our job to make sure that we are regulating ourselves so that our kids can borrow that regulation because they don't have the skills yet. So that's the fourth thing that brings me comfort. And then the fifth one, the goal is not to eliminate the big feelings. The goal is to help your child gradually learn what to do with those feelings. So our three-year-olds can have these huge vocabularies, incredible reasoning skills, and have very strong opinions and still have a nervous system that's not finished being built yet, right? So they're unable to regulate themselves. And that's where the breakdown is. And that's where the four C's to handle the threes comes in. So this is the framework that I came up with to just kind of give my brain something to latch on to and follow when there is a communication breakdown. Okay. So I'm gonna tell you what the four C's are and then we'll break each one down. So the first C call out what's happening. Number two, co-regulate. Number three, correct the behavior, and number four, connect. So those are the four C's. And here is what I mean by each one. So the first one, call out what's happening. I like to narrate what's happening because I feel like it teaches our kids how to number one, verbalize their feelings, and number two, just be more aware. And also it gives us as the parent a second to compose ourselves to. So let's say Everly is stomping her feet and yelling at me because she doesn't want to clean up her magnetiles to go brush her teeth. So call out what's happening could look like, hmm, okay, it seems like you're frustrated because you want to keep playing. I get it. Sometimes I want to keep doing things when it's time to move on to, but it's time for us to go brush our teeth now. Do you want to walk to the bathroom or do you want me to carry you? And if she doesn't answer, I will make the decision for her. I will pick her up and take her to the bathroom or grab her hand and walk her to the bathroom. So that is the first step. It's just kind of call out what's happening, like bring awareness to the situation. The second C is co-regulate. And this is the one that a lot of us want to skip and we want to jump to the third C, but we have to do this one first, co-regulate. By that, I just mean calm them down and calm ourselves down because we cannot productively parent when we're triggered or dysregulated. Our kids cannot learn from us when they're dysregulated. And the like it goes both ways, right? Like we can't calmly teach or correct when we're in that state. They can't receive when they are in that dysregulated state. So we have to spend some time co-regulating if we want to move forward productively. So co-regulating could look like I'm gonna stick with the same example of like, okay, she didn't want to brush her teeth. She wants to keep playing, so she's having a fit. So once we're in the bathroom, once we've made our way into the bathroom, I would do something like sit down on the floor and play patty cake with her or turn on one of her favorite songs on my phone for a few seconds for us to just kind of dance to or whatever. So basically, my thought here is okay, we're gonna redirect. Another word is distract. So we're going to get their attention off of the fit that they're throwing, and we are going to redirect them and help their body to physically calm down. Listen, if I try to do breathing exercises with Everly, I'm like, oh, take a big breath and blow out the candle. She will literally look at me and say, no, I don't want to. Like that just doesn't work for her. She regulates best through moving her body. So that's why I choose things that involve that, like doing a little dance or playing patty cake, something where we're like actively moving our bodies. So that is the second C, co-regulate. Then we go to the next one, which is the third C, correct the behavior. So this is where I hold the boundary that's being pushed and I remind her of the expectation in this situation. So correcting the behavior could look like, okay, so we're like in the bathroom. We just had our little 30 to 60 second dance party, morale is back on track. I get her teeth brushed, and then we have a little chit chat. I would say something like, Hey, what kind of girl are you? And she would say, A kind and respectful girl, because that's something that we've taught her. It's something that we've practiced. I always like to remind her of who she is. Okay. And then I would ask her what the expectation is when mom or dad gives her an instruction by saying, Yes, that's right. Like you are a kind and respectful girl. What do we do in our house when mom or dad tells us to do something? And she would say, Listen the first time. Because again, that's something that we have like ingrained in her. We've taught her that and we've practiced it a lot. And I would be like, Yep, that's right. Like, good remembering a kind and respectful girl listens to mom and dad the first time. So when I tell you that it's time to stop playing magnetiles and to go brush your teeth, what do you do? And she said something like, Okay, mom, um, I stop playing magnetiles and go brush my teeth. And I'm like, yes, okay, amazing. And then we would go back over to the magnetile area and we would act that scenario out. So when she does the expected behavior this time, I praise her. Like I'm over the top. I'm like, oh my gosh, yes, amazing. Like, what a good first-time listener you are. I affirm the behavior that we want to see. Okay. And then that brings us to the last C, which is connect. I think it is so important to wrap up this kind of interaction with connection because it builds trust and reinforces that our relationship is safe even during hard moments. So connecting could look like I give her a hug and tell her that I love her, that I love being her mom. I want her to know that even during these communication breakdowns, my love for her does not waver. Like it is unconditional. And that's that, you guys. Like that's the framework that I lean on when I'm parenting through a tough moment. The four C's to handle the threes. Now, obviously, this is not gonna go perfectly every time you put it into practice. This is a tool, not a chain, just like everything else that I teach. The point of it is for me so that I'm number one, proud of how I'm showing up as a mom and I'm not saying or doing silly things that I regret later. And number two, so that I'm consistent in how I'm showing up as a mom. You know how it is when you're just trying to wing it from moment to moment, and sometimes you're a quote, gentle parent, and other times you're screaming your head off. I feel like lack of consistency is so confusing for kids and so emotionally draining for us as parents. This little framework takes the guesswork out of how I'm gonna handle any situation. I just follow the four steps. I hope you know, I'm gonna say it anyway, but I hope you know that I do not do this perfectly every time. Sometimes I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm at my wit's end, and I snap. It happens. When I do that, I pause, I take a B, I apologize, and I try again. Parenting is truly a practice, if you ask me. Okay. So again, that's the framework that's been helping me to show up intentionally as a mom of a three-year-old. And then I have some other things that I want to share too that have just been really helping us navigate this three-year-old season. So, something that works really well in our family, visual reminders. Our main visual reminders are a timer, a hatched sound machine, and our daily routine chart. So I'm gonna kind of break down each one of those and tell you how we use them because these things really do help us to just survive parenthood and just make it a better experience. So the first one is a timer. So we use timers for basically every transition. We have this timer where you twist the middle and it has this like pink circle thing that disappears as the time counts down so that Everly can see visually and understand how much time is left before we're moving on to something else. This is nice because she always has a bit of a warning before we transition. And also the timer gets to be the quote bad guy. So I'll be like, oh, the timer went off. It's time to put away our toys and go brush our teeth. The timer said so. It's time for bed. And honestly, y'all, it's kind of magic because she rarely argues with the timer. The timer's kind of the king of our household at this point. Okay. So that's the first one. Second one is the hatch sound machine. We have had this thing since Evie was born and we love it for the actual sound machine part, of course. But what we really love now, using it as like in this season of being three, is the different color lights for helping us understand expectations. So you can set programs on your phone so that it automatically changes colors at a certain time. So when Evie goes to bed, the hatch is red. She knows when it's red, stay in bed because we've taught that to her over and over and over. And then when it turns green, which happens at 7 a.m., that's when she can come out of her room. So, like I said, this took some training and lots of boundary holding at first, but it was so worth it because now she does it without question. So that's our second visual thing in our home that's like very helpful. And then the third and final one that I'll talk about is our daily routine charts. So I actually made these myself and we keep them on the fridge. They're these three rectangular pieces of paper that I've laminated. And there's one for morning to-dos, one for afternoon to-dos, and one for evening to-dos. So they have pictures and words of what we're doing for each part of the day and a little bubble where Everly can check off each thing as she does it. It's editable so I can swap out the little task squares based on like what's going on each day. We keep them on with like little Velcro dots. And then every night before I go to bed, I just update them for the following day and like erase the bubble so that she can recheck them off the next day. It takes like 30 seconds. I love this because she knows what to expect for the day. We all find comfort in knowing what's coming, what to expect. It also gives her a sense of independence and equips her to take ownership of her day-to-day so she can look at the charts and know what she is responsible for that day. So I know we love a concrete example. So I'm gonna read you what our three charts say today, the day that I'm recording this. So today, the morning one says, use the potty, brush teeth, get dressed, say gratitude, put toys away, go to school. The afternoon one says, use the potty, check the mail, water the basil, read a book. Those are her two little like chores, checking the mail and watering the basil. Of course, we help her, but you know what I'm saying. And then the evening one says, clear the table, use the potty, take a bath, tidy room, say affirmations, brush teeth. So I will link all of these three items in the show notes for you guys: the timer, the hatch sound machine, and the visual routine cards. So the third and last thing that I'm gonna talk about in this episode is our words slash just kind of like family communication in general. So I grew up in a house where communication, like it just didn't really happen. It didn't really exist. Like no one talked about anything and everyone was kind of on their own island. I see this quote on social media that just really resonates and I relate to it a lot. It says, I'm a former bedroom kid who was trying to raise a living room kid. It doesn't exactly say that, but it's like along those lines. And it's just kind of saying that like I want our family unit to be tight-knit and really good communicators. Y'all know if you've been around here for a while, that I'm a big believer in the power of our words and I want to instill that in Everly. So ever since she could talk, we have always told her that part of being in our family means that we are kind and respectful to everyone. So, like if you ask her what kind of girl are you, she will say, kind and respectful. I talked about that earlier in the episode. And of course, we talk about what that actually means and what that looks like lived out. Something else that we've done since she can talk is have her say affirmations before bed. So, like when we're putting on her jammies, we'll be like, Okay, what are your affirmations? And she'll say, I am kind, I am beautiful, I am smart, I am safe, I am seen, I am loved, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And then something that we are actively working on that I am so excited about. We are working on drafting up our house rules and family values. And once we nail them down, I'm gonna make like a cutie little like poster type thing to hang in the house as a visual reminder so that we can see them all the time. And I would, I know, like I said, I know we love a concrete example. Okay, I would share our values and house rules, but we have not written them yet, okay? Because little segue moment, that's actually what we're doing in Hustle Stanley study hall for the fall semester. So the fall semester runs from October through December. And our topic for that time is creating a peaceful home. And then the little like sub-topic is design a family operating manual that brings more connection and intention into your everyday life with things like clear family values, sustainable chore systems, meaningful traditions, a meal rhythm that works, and other routines that support the family culture you want to build. Are you kidding me? Y'all, when we wrap up this semester in December in Study Hall, we are all gonna have our very own custom to our home family operating manuals. And I don't think I have ever been more excited for a topic in study hall. And if you're like, uh, what is study hall? Girl, let me fill you in. Study Hall is a community-based coaching membership of over 300 women designed to help you turn your good intentions into real life habits so you can show up well for your goals, your people, and yourself. Enrollment is only open four times a year, and October 1st through the 7th is the last enrollment period for 2026. I will link the study hall website in the show notes so that you can read up on it and see if you think the community is a good fit for you. We would love to have you. And I can't wait to brainstorm family values and house rules with the other women in the community. It's just gonna be so nice to be able to bounce ideas off of each other, you know? But anyway, to wrap this episode up, let me just encourage you a bit. Parenting a three-year-old is no joke. It takes so much resilience, patience, consistency, emotional energy, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But y'all, we were each chosen to be the parents of our kids. We are so equipped and so capable of showing up well for them. Parenting is so hard, but it's one of those hard things that is so incredibly worth it because the more consistent we are as parents, the more we get to see the seeds we're planting every single day bloom. That's what I remind myself on the days that it feels like nothing I'm saying or doing is sticking. The more seeds I plant in water, as in like doing the things that I mentioned in this episode, the better chance they have to bloom. Like we've got this, okay? It is the best feeling in the world when you keep showing up and like doing these kinds of things day after day after day. And then all of a sudden you just see it click in your kid's brain. You're like, wow, everything I'm doing is sinking in. It just takes time. It just takes time. But that is what I've got for y'all today how I'm surviving parenting a three year old. I hope this episode was helpful and met you right where you're at. And I also hope that it made you feel less alone in the trenches of the threes. I love you guys so much. I will talk to you in the next episode. And I hope you have the best day ever.