The Root Cause Of Keeping One's Self Small

Many women I come across talk of keeping themselves small. It's one of the core wounds that women in particular struggle with.

In this episode, Kim Barnard and I explore the 4 aspects that form the 'root system' that keep us living with tethers on our life force, and how to heal.

There are several expressions of keeping ourselves small, which are (but aren't limited to):

• Feeling not good enough, or unworthy
• Believing that somehow we don't deserve love / money / success
• Imposter syndrome (fearful that people will find out who we really are underneath)
• Feeling afraid to embody our life force and what will happen
• Scared to share an opinion
• Afraid to do what the work we want to in the world

The 4 areas of the root system and how to heal it are:

• Cultural influences
• Past life roots:  exploring the 'trauma triangle' - victim, perpetrator and failed rescuer states of being within within our consciousness.
• Roots in this life that are part of our attachment template.
• Generational roots that amplify what's already running in our consciousness.
  
  

The main take away from this episode, is that it IS possible to heal this, for the tethers to come off our energy, and to embody our life force again.

We would love to hear how this lands with you, head on over to Instagram to share your experience.

Chapters

• 0:00 Root Causes of Staying Small
• 7:39 Causes of Women Feeling Unworthy
• 15:26 Healing Trauma and Generational Patterns
• 25:56 Gratitude and Invitation for Feedback

Transcript

Melanie Swan: 0:26

Hello everyone, welcome back to the podcast. So today, kim Bernard and I are gonna be talking about the root cause of keeping oneself small. So this is a real big topic and it's a big issue that I see with almost everyone I work with and so does Kim. So we're gonna talk about what the root cause actually is and how to heal it today, because when we don't know what that is, we just try and kind of paste over it with affirmations and trying to feel better and trying to push through and trying not to feel that way and keeping telling us we do deserve and we're okay, but nothing works. Actually, we might make a bit of progress, but it's like pushing water uphill, I know. So anyway, kim, welcome. Thank you for doing this, thank you for being here, thank you very much for having me back Mal.

Melanie Swan: 1:20

Okay, and you're gonna hear lots more from Kim, because Kim and I are working a lot together now when we're running the womb medicine woman training together and we're running circles and ceremonies together and we set our intention for something very, very special in England. That's going to happen At some stage we don't know when we do, when I finish the book but we're gonna be setting up a healing center together, based somewhere in England, and we're gonna be doing group work and womb ceremonies and sweat lodges and transformational weekends and silent retreats and all that kind of thing. It's gonna be very nature-based and herbal-based and good food-based and stuff. So, yeah, that's what we're brewing in the background anyway. So, anyway, let's go for it. I'm day 20, kim, your day.

KIm Barnard: 2:14

I'm literally day 26. So I am very close to my bleed. So if I'm a bit short, a bit to the point, then you know why.

Melanie Swan: 2:27

That's what we like. It's gonna be a very clear, very almost condensed podcast. I could probably talk for an hour. I'm in that kind of like woo-hoo, yeah, yeah, go for it, phase Cause it's like, yeah, give me the link when we, we're gonna-.

KIm Barnard: 2:42

Tell me what I need to know.

Melanie Swan: 2:44

Yeah, get on with it, Mel. So let's just go for it, kim, ask me whatever you want, and, to everyone listening, I hope this is useful for you. I hope this reaches loads and loads of women, because it is this chronic thing that most of us carry until we clear it, and it's debilitating, so we can't think it away.

KIm Barnard: 3:06

So okay let's go for it, kim. Yeah, so I wanna actually start off by asking you what do you mean by keeping yourself small?

Melanie Swan: 3:16

Okay, great question. Well, there are several expressions of it and these aren't limited to, but these are the main expressions. One of the main ones is kind of if I can describe like keeping our energy small, keeping our life force kind of dum-de-la-ba-dum. I want to do things but it's hard and you know, when just lots of excuses come or reasons and it's just kind of like we can't think any further, our consciousness can't kind of expand any further. So it can come with beliefs like feeling not good enough somehow, or unworthy, or believing that somehow that we don't deserve love or money or success, or we deserve it, but just in very small measures and very containable measures. And well, I could earn some money, but not too much, but I could earn if I earn too much. And there's all these.

Melanie Swan: 4:22

Like all this narrative develops around the root. If we think about the root as something which I'll talk about later, we've got all these kind of weeds, kind of overgrowing, which are thoughts as to why it's happening. It shows up as imposter syndrome as well, like fearful that people are going to find out who we really are underneath. Somehow, if we go on social media and are seen or heard or work with people and they you know, someone finds out we're really truly just incompetent or a shitty person underneath. So these aren't like top level thoughts. They're usually subconscious and they're kind of seeping through. Or it's being afraid to embody our full life force and what will happen? Just like an unknown sort of state of being where we're just like I've got you know, this is really coming with therapists oh my God, like I've put my website up and people are booking in and oh, I don't know if I've got the capacity, or I don't know if I've got the skills or what's gonna happen or who's gonna see me and what. It's just this unknown area that we've not touched before, that some other routes are driving that you know, we just need to uncover them.

Melanie Swan: 5:44

Or scared to speak up, scared to have an opinion, scared to share the opinion, scared to disagree with anybody else, scared to be different than the main message in your topic of work, and just generally afraid to do what we want in the world. It's really debilitating. And then of course, we just we just layer on top of it things to compensate. So it's basically feeling fear and not feeling worthy and not feeling good enough and just like just not able to step forwards in a way that actually means something, as in, like, we then do the work we want to do. It's there might be small steps, but it can feel really difficult. So it's. It's hard because there's many expressions of it, but I would say they're the main ones. Yeah.

KIm Barnard: 6:40

I want to ask you a quick question, just because you mentioned the imposter syndrome, and I know that so many women feel this, particularly in their premenstrual phase, and just put it down to being something normal. Is this keeping yourself small that's showing up. The imposter syndrome in the PMS related to this?

Melanie Swan: 7:02

I'm only in that in our premenstrual phase Our hormones shift, our state of being shift and our subconscious opens up. So we're more able to feel what's underneath. Great Well, the nature's way of helping us grow and helping us see stuff. But we can attribute it to our premenstrual, it's my hormones. It's not really real making me feel this way, but actually it is real because we've got more access to our subconscious. It's, it's running all the time, it'll be woven into everything, but we just can't feel it as much.

Melanie Swan: 7:40

So what we do? Because it's uncomfortable, it's not nice to you know, it's not pleasant to feel like unworthy or undeserving or shackled at all. So we kind of paste over it and women are terrible for this. We all say, oh, you know, we might one bit. One woman might say, oh, I've got a dinner parties plan tonight and I just don't feel good enough and I've, you know, I've been baking the risotto for six months and I've sourced the seeds from the rice grains from Italy myself and I've roasted the tomatoes. You know, they've got all this effort to feel kind of good enough and worthy and it's a compensatory action. And then women in a way to kind of an attempt to kind of love each other and support each other. No, no, you are worthy, you're amazing, but what we actually need is for us to all sit down and say I wonder where that's coming from, and just get really curious about what you're so conscious, is open, that's coming out. What can we? What can we do about that? What needs processing? Yeah, absolutely.

KIm Barnard: 8:54

So why? I mean, we're talking about women, but why do women feel this, this sense of keeping themselves small, all those things that you've described in particularly?

Melanie Swan: 9:05

Um, yeah, because men can feel that too. But why women, in particular women, are awarded for it. In our culture, in our modern society, women are rewarded for taking the shirt off their back if someone needs it, for doing everything. I mean the woman that has it all kids, a job, a husband, a family. No, thank you. And when we spread our energy very thinly, we're not really doing any of it well, it's not serving us, we're not taking care of ourselves, but our culture rewards it, and girls, historically, in a good amount of families, are rewarded for being nice and sweet and kind and serving and subservient as well. So it is changing now, but we are carrying that collectively still very much, I feel, in our collective consciousness.

KIm Barnard: 10:05

Yes, so that brings me on to my next question. We are talking about what the actual root causes are of this, because that seems so ingrained, the way you've just described that.

Melanie Swan: 10:20

This is my favourite bit. What is the actual bloody root cause? Get on with it, get to it, get to it.

KIm Barnard: 10:27

Tell me what I need to do.

Melanie Swan: 10:30

So the first one, I mean it's pretty obvious. I mean a lot of women in the healing community have got access to this one. So we're looking at past lives. If you don't believe in past lives, we just say look, we've got a consciousness, we've got a soul. It could all be happening now. Whether it's past, present or future, it's in our consciousness. That's what I mean by past life work. So we're looking beyond this life.

Melanie Swan: 10:57

So one common thing that's happened is we've been persecuted for speaking up, sharing our gifts, being a medicine woman, being a witch, being a healer, being a doula, all those sorts of things. That's fairly obvious and, as I said, the healing community have pretty good access to this. Next one we don't have very much access to, but it's one of the keys actually to moving this on. So, being persecuted, we're in a victim position where we've been hurt. It's valid, the pain is valid, it needs looking at, it needs processing, and that dismantles the defense response of being scared to do it again. The other one is looking at. So we look to heal. We actually look at all parts of our consciousness when we've been in a victim position, when we've been in a perpetrator position and when we've been in a failed rescuer position.

Melanie Swan: 11:55

So the next one we go to is perpetration, where we've hurt others. This is the hardest thing usually for us to take a look at, especially when we are in this life and we're wanting to do something different because we've dissociated it in our consciousness and we're. You know, nobody wants to look back in their past life consciousness and be like, oh, I'm killing, raping, amaming and pillaging and doing all these things and it's hard, it's hard to look at. However, it's one of the most free in things, because when we've hurt others in past lives, we have some sense of consciousness, some sense of not wanting to do it again. So what we do is what happens is we become, like, afraid of our own energy, afraid of embodying our life force. Because what's going to happen if we embody it, like it will unleash it and we might hurt people. And this is so common in therapists of just feeling like, well, I don't want to hurt my clients and so we operate in a very kind of timid way, not wanting to trigger them and not wanting to challenge them. And you know, it's amplified by attachment, which I'll talk about in a minute.

Melanie Swan: 13:12

But being able to look within, that's like true shadow work. Like where have I hurt others? Where is the thread of that now in this life? Because none of us are. How can I put it? We all hurt others in some way. Relationally, obviously, we're not killing and maiming and raping anymore, but we will be hurting ourselves, we will be hurting others in some way when that is unresolved in our consciousness. To actually sit and look at that and integrate it into our being and say, yeah, I'm. Everything is very healing but it can be very difficult in the first instance. So, yeah, we've hurt others in past lives and I see it time and time and time again. Even if I start working with someone, they say oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then we do the work and they nine out of 10 times will say to me you know, when you said that at the beginning of the work about the perpetration, I thought yeah, yeah, probably not me, it's okay, it's a protective mechanism.

KIm Barnard: 14:25

I was going to jump in here because I find with the persecutor work it is very sneaky about how it shows up in this life. So we tend to have that that no, no, not me. And then when you start to bring that co-consciousness into it, you're like, oh actually, yeah, showing up here, showing up here. So it's a really interesting point. Thanks, mel.

Melanie Swan: 14:50

It does weave itself in to our relationships and our relationship with self. So, but it's amazing, Like when, when that's resolved, and it's not just one lifetime when that dynamic is resolved the brakes come off, our life for us, and life's so much easier.

Melanie Swan: 15:11

I know because I was carrying. It was used to be like pushing water uphill through a sieve and I was making pretty good progress still. So I know when, I know it's difficult, but I know it's possible. So then we move to the other bit of the triangle of the corner. I don't remember my maths, maths homework and what you call it angle. The other angle, the other point on the triangle is failed rescuer. So we've got victim perpetrator, failed rescuer.

Melanie Swan: 15:43

And this is where we've done something. Uh, benevolently or not, we've tried, we've tried to do something and we've failed. We've tried to rescue, or we've tried to do our work and it's just failed somehow. And the pain of that is unbearable, that's all. Trauma is just unbearable pain that can't be felt at the time. So again, we store that and it creates defense responses and it creates patterns through our consciousness and what failed rescuer does is give this oh, oh, like a downward feeling in our energy, the in our energy system of. Well, it was so bad last time I tried and I failed, so I'm not going to try it again.

Melanie Swan: 16:29

This is something I've come up against in writing the book, like I was doing medicine work before in a past life and I my perception was that I'd failed miserably. Actually, looking back at it when I revisited it, it was just the commercial. What's a commercialization of stuff like that period of commercialization? Actually, because we got no into that then there was no knowing of the bigger picture and so my community fell apart and people wanted to do other things and go to places and I was just carrying this, oh dear.

Melanie Swan: 17:07

So yeah, once that's cleared, I could, I could write more. So it's looking at all three states really, and of course all three states are carried within our consciousness. So we, when we incarnate in this life, we plop into families that amplify whatever's going on within us so that we can actually see what's in our own consciousness. So that's not to hold our child psyche or child cells responsible for anything that happened. You know, parents treat children terribly sometimes and that's never going to be okay. We're never going to say to a three year old well, you were carrying it from a past life.

Melanie Swan: 17:50

So yeah you just got to learn from the abuse. That's not what I'm saying at all, because our child's, our child psyche isn't in touch with that, but at a soul level we can have a look at what was driving that, what had us land in with those parents, what was in our consciousness that somehow resonated, and that means we can really take responsibility for where we landed and for the things that are happening within our system then. So the fourth one yes, that's what we're on right now landing in families that amplify it. So our nervous system, our brain, our neurobiology is formed in response to parents, particularly mum, when we're in the womb, and also it starts when we start to incarnate as well, at our conception. So it's amplified by attachment. So what is quite common is having particularly like mums that are quite emotionally volatile, holding trauma that's unprocessed, and so child is kind of good, or just what they think is good, and tries to sort of regulate mum and not trigger mum, which a lot of the things that trigger mums that are just holding a lot of trauma is when their child starts to thrive. So it'll be amplified in on your biology to not thrive, kind of be okay, or being sick gets me love or this doesn't get me love, so I'm gonna hide that bit of me, but this does, so I'm gonna amplify that bit. So when we're doing the work to clear this, we have to look in this life how we're holding that in our body in our past lives or in our consciousness, how we're holding that in our body, how it's showing up and what is the overall soul lesson from that happening, and then we can integrate it and embody a different state. So, yeah, it's definitely possible, because I've done it and I do it every day and you do it all the time. But it's knowing that that's even a thing that helps us take that first step.

Melanie Swan: 20:15

And that's what I'm hoping this podcast does is just ignite that spark in someone who's listening. For, oh, that's a thing. That's not something I just have to try and kind of weave around and just keep trying. Something I have to deal with. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's chronic. It just gets worse the older we get anyway, and the defense responses get stronger and more sophisticated for us. So we just get resourced enough, like creating enough security within our own body and our system to be able to look at the root cause. And this is not just so anyone listening. If you do loads and loads of work, it's probably a one-session thing that you can kind of move the block pretty quickly. For most others it's wound into our neurobiology. It's wound into our attachment. It's in several lifetimes. It could even be across species as well when we've been different species. So it's a piece of work, I guess is what.

Melanie Swan: 21:20

I'm saying because it's a root system rather than a root cause.

KIm Barnard: 21:25

Yes, yes, okay, and so obviously you've talked a little bit about how to work with it, how to heal it. Do you have anything to add to that?

Melanie Swan: 21:39

I think the one thing I would say that's really popular right now is generational healing, and it's freaking wonderful that we've got such an expanding consciousness around this. That stuff does get passed on and what I'm seeing is well, my mom said I wasn't good enough, or my nan was carrying I wasn't good enough, or she struggled to share her gifts, and so this. Therefore, this is not mine, and, of course, we do pick up stuff. We pick up imprints like cellular imprints in the womb and really early on from the messages and the beliefs we get from those who are caring for us. However, it's always in our own consciousness. We come in with it.

Melanie Swan: 22:31

There's a thread that attracts us, that is a vibrational match for where we land. So, as much as we want it to be not ours, it is, and we can also look at clearing the generational stuff so that cellular imprint clears as well. So it's really taken a whole view, so that we can heal, which means to become whole. Because if we think about, say, we've had 3,000 lifetimes, how many lineages have we been in, how many experiences have we had, and so it's always tempting to think this isn't mine, it's not me, it's inherited trauma. And when we get down to it, when we get to the actual root system. Sure, there's a cellular amplification from where we land, but it's within our consciousness and that's one of the most powerful things we can do in our healing journey is to just say, well, I've got it, so it's mine, so now I can do something about it.

KIm Barnard: 23:35

Yeah, and I think that's exactly what I was going to say to you. I feel like by just saying oh, it's not mine, it's a generational thing, it almost gives away our power in actually doing anything about it. That's kind of how it lands for me, anyway. So yeah, thank you for just clarifying that. I think it's so important.

Melanie Swan: 23:57

Yeah, also generational stuff. We can only see what we can see, like. I know my nan. I'm from the north so I have a nan grandmother. Grandmother was carrying something and it was passed to my mum in a kind of verbal and imprinted way and I kind of picked up that cellular amplification as well. However, when we do the generational work, it's usually way back, way, way back where the pattern actually started, and then it kind of twists and turns around and it becomes what it is in its present day, but it didn't start like that. So it's a three-pronged approach really this life, past lives and our generational lineages. And yeah, we just go for it. And it clears.

KIm Barnard: 24:50

Brilliant. Is there anything else that you want to add to this, mel, as we just come to the end of our time together?

Melanie Swan: 24:59

Just to really I really hope that from this episode, women really understand that it is actually possible to clear it, like not just work on layers and just make it a bit less. I mean, it is a process. It does take some time. However, at a certain point, you know, the amount of love in our system gains more momentum than the pain, and that in itself we become self-healing. So it's definitely possible. I've done it myself, I've done it with plenty of people and we can be free of that. We can embody our full life force and it just feels bloody lovely.

Melanie Swan: 25:43

It's lovely. And then, of course, we progress and evolve and then we can weed something else out and weed something else out and be ready for that. So, yeah, it's definitely definitely possible and feels amazing, that's it.

KIm Barnard: 25:56

Brilliant. Thank you so much for having me on here again. Pleasure.

Melanie Swan: 26:03

Yeah, and thank you for asking me questions and giving a different perspective. And, just as always, kim, thanks so much. You're welcome. Okay, thank you everyone. Just yeah, I'd love to hear your feedback. You can leave me a comment on Instagram, you can leave me a comment on Facebook and, yeah, I hope this is very helpful for you and I'll see you next time.