9 Ways Unresolved Attachment Trauma Affects How We 'Hold Space'

The phrase 'holding space' is immensely popular with those in therapeutic, healing, coaching, wellness, and women's circles, but what's really happening?

I've investigated this over the last few years with those I've worked with and colleagues, and it turns out to be mainly trauma-driven.

Holding is the opposite of what we're trying to be as we heal and become more present. The opposite of holding in this relaxed, engaged and present. 

We don't want to be holding anything! It creates tension, deflects from our presence, and has our energy too focused on the other person, which either consciously or unconsciously creates a reaction in them, of either infantilisation or resistance. Neither is going to help the process of becoming more present.

So it's really useful to question what's driving it, as ALL healing arts professionals have a trauma history, which is why our personal work is essential to facilitating the process of coming home to our true selves and meeting the world from a base of increasing love.

A big caveat to this is that there is no 'healed' point. All of the markers I talk about are on a sliding scale from a more fear-based, adapted way of being to embodying more and more love, and connecting with others from a sense of security and safety within ourselves.

In this episode, I talk through the following:

WHAT TRAUMA-DRIVE SPACE HOLDING LOOKS AND FEELS LIKE

• a sense of 'holding' in our body
• perpetually pushing our own needs to one side to take care of others, have a sense of self-sacrifice and hoping to be seen a certain way in return for our 'holding'
• viewing others as less than or feeling sorry for them
• trying to hold the whole group field or person with our energy
• feeling perpetually exhausted after 'holding space'
• attached to the outcome of other people's state of being
• finding it difficult to be vulnerable with people, either 1:1 or in groups in daily life
• can't feel our own body or emotions whilst 'holding space'
• feel unappreciated for all our efforts

WHAT'S DRIVING TRAUMA-BASED 'HOLDING SPACE'?

WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE ON THE RECEIVING END OF TRAUMA-DRIVEN SPACE HOLDERS

WHAT WE CAN DO IF SPACE HOLDING IS TRAUMA-DRIVEN

A Guided Practice To Reclaim Your Energy & Come Home To Your Body >

Chapters

• 0:00 Unresolved Attachment Trauma and Holding Space
• 14:07 Understanding Trauma Driven Space Holding
• 28:13 Embodied Healing and Processing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:26

Hello, hello, welcome back to the podcast, and today I am talking about nine ways that unresolved attachment trauma affects how we hold space. So this phrase holding space it was bugging me quite a few years ago, and so it's just so immensely popular in the therapeutic healing, coaching, wellness, women's circle arena. But I was curious about what was really happening, both within me, within colleagues. How did different facilitation styles affect people in the groups, in one-to-one? And so I've been investigating this over the last few years with everyone I've worked with who does this, and it turns out that there's lots of stuff that is trauma-driven behind it. So I say this with a massive dose of compassion and understanding for myself and all those working in the healing arts, because everyone who's working in this arena has a trauma history. So just trauma being like disconnection from self, there being a response to that, there being a series of events or attachment, but ways of connecting with people that just are hard and they're not based on love, they're based more on fear, and that sets our attachment template and that sets our relationship with ourself and how we relate to the world really and others. So, yeah, it's been really a rich experience to explore this, and so I wanted to share all my findings with you so that if you want to investigate it too, you can. And just a big, a big other caveat for this is that there is no healed point. We're all moving towards embodying more love and coming into connection with the world with more love and presence, but there's no like tick box point where we're like okay, now we're doing our facilitating from a place of love, or we were doing it from fear last week. It's just an increasing amount of love and a decreasing amount of pain driving it and adaptions and kind of myths and illusions really. So as we go we kind of dissolve that and come more into our bodies. So I'm going to talk through what trauma space holding looks and feels like. I've got nine kind of key ways. They're not completely definitive, they're just some of the main ways that I've seen and experienced. I'm going to explain if you're not doing all of them. Good, if you do one of them, it's something to look at. If you're doing all of them, it's something to look at. If you wish so, then I'm going to talk about what's driving trauma-based space holding and what it feels like to be on the receiving end of trauma-driven space holding and what we can do. If we are doing that, how can we move to more awareness, more presence, more love-based and of course, this is the Sacred Womb podcast, so I'm just going to talk about how this affects our menstrual cycle as well. So it is all relevant, okay. So let's begin then. Here's nine ways that unresolved attachment trauma affects how we hold space. So, firstly, I don't really like this phrase holding space. I don't think it's accurate and I think it conjures up a certain way of being. I would prefer the word facilitating, and that's what I use or being present with. But, yeah, facilitating feels like a much better word for me and fits.

Speaker 1: 4:24

Holding automatically has us thinking that there is something to be done, and it creates an automatic bit of tension somehow, and that's not really what we're aiming for, because we're aiming for relaxed, yet engaged and present from a base of love. Well, that's what I'm aiming for anyway. And holding space, I don't know, I think it's become one of those things that is used as a bit of a persona. I'm a space holder, I do this and, just honestly, it just bugs me, and so I've been investigating it, uh, for quite some time. Anyhow, let's get into it, cause, because, yeah, I don't want to rant on Okay. So here are nine things of how it looks and feels.

Speaker 1: 5:19

So, if you're holding space from a place of attachment trauma I'll explain it all after, but just these are some of the markers. So, if you have a sense of like holding in your body, a sense of like tension, if there is like an activation when you work with someone or with a group of people, that's like, oh, now I have to be a certain way, that's a good indicator. We don't have to be a certain way. What's really needed is that we are ourselves. We don't have to be a certain way. What's really needed is that we are ourselves. Sure, we're in a particular I wouldn't even say role, because we don't want it to be a persona, we want it to be an integrated part of us. So, yeah, hopefully that makes sense enough to just run this through your body. And if you have a sense of holding that takes you away from your own experience, then that's an indicator that there's some attachment trauma there At work.

Speaker 1: 6:24

Next one is that you perpetually push your own needs to one side to take care of others. This is Attachment Trauma 101 and it is. If you're doing it unconsciously, then you have my full empathy. If you're doing it consciously and thinking that that is going to get you seen, heard or respected in a certain way or just have a certain status, then that is for sure trauma-driven. It's from a place of lack. Please, please, please. If you're putting your needs to one side consciously, please know that it causes havoc in relationships and being on the receiving end of that does not feel good at all. So if you are aware that you're pushing your own needs to one side to take care of others, please don't do that. That's not a good idea. Just do everything you can to integrate your own needs again and come from a plate more of a place of wholeness, because that is what people are actually wanting who we're working with and we we really don't want to be, um, self-sacrificing.

Speaker 1: 7:37

Uh it, it just oh. It's the martyr wound. I mean, it's common and we all need to look at it, and I've processed a bunch of stuff around it and you know I've worked with people that have as well. So it's serving no one, and I really mean no one. The illusion is that it's serving others, but it truly is not. So hopefully I've got my point across there. We need everybody If we are to progress, and we are progressing our collective consciousness. We need everyone to be their true selves, our collective consciousness. We need everyone to be their true selves. That's what we're aiming for in healing work to have all of ourselves present, integrated, able to access a whole range of being.

Speaker 1: 8:23

You may be thinking that this is a good idea and it gets you what you want, but ultimately it just it really causes havoc in our own system if we push our needs aside and in our relationships. So, yeah, that's a big one. But yeah, often, with a sense of self-sacrifice pushing our knees to one side, there is an expectation, albeit mostly unconscious, that we're expecting others to see us in a certain light. We're expecting love in response, or safety in response, or adoration or something, and don't get it. Then we feel resentful. Resentment is actually when we've gone against our true self and done something, been a certain way and then not got what we wanted for it, which we never communicated in the first place. So it's all a bit bundled up really. So, yes, I encourage you to integrate your needs.

Speaker 1: 9:18

The next one is viewing others as less than or feeling sorry for them. So that kind of puffs us up and puts us in a slightly power over relationship and the people we're working with, in a power under relationship, or we just aren't able to see their resources, or or do our work in a way that really recognizes the intrinsic wisdom and in someone's system and promotes a sense of self trust, because that is usually what's gotten forgotten, broken, frazzled. So yeah, if we, if we are viewing others as oh, oh, oh dear you poor thing, that's not empathy, it's sympathy and that's really not helpful. So another one to look at if you are feeling like that when you are with your clients. The fifth one is that you're trying to hold the whole group, field or person with your own energy, like with big arms, like I'm holding the whole group. That's a freaking lot to hold. Well, like 20 people stuff, one person stuff. It actually infantilizes the people that we're working with if we do that and it's going to produce two main reactions Either they're going to give up their agency and be like oh yeah, look after me, I can't obviously do it, or teenage parts are going to feel that that breach in boundary and and the people we're working with are going to resist us, be that openly or in a more subconscious way, but it produces a reaction and it doesn't feel good. So, yeah, the antidote is just stop holding, relax, be present, be engaged, but don't try and control the other person or the group. That just makes everything a little bit tight. It produces response, as I've said, and, yeah, no one has a really good time really. And I just want to add, as I'm saying, all these things, these are things that we all need to learn, these are things that most of us do as we start our process of being a healing arts professional. And it's okay if you're doing some of these things. I'm being very, I'm being direct with you so that you know what it is and you know that it's. It doesn't feel good when it lands, it doesn't, it's not going to feel good in your system, but I'm doing it direct so that you can recognize yourself and do something about it if you want, because it's going to drive that progress. And it feels much better when we're not doing these things or we're doing them in a gradually less and less way and, as I said again, are embodying more presence and love.

Speaker 1: 12:07

The classic one, number six, is that we feel perpetually exhausted after holding space. That might be. If it's one in 10 times, one in 20 times, that could indicate something else that we can just be aware of and investigate. But if it's perpetual, if you're dreading running the group because it's so tiring, the people are so tiring it actually means that you're doing it in a way that is so tiring and holding. So just something to have a look at. But being perpetually exhausted is a good marker that it's coming from a place of attachment trauma.

Speaker 1: 12:47

Okay, next one is we become attached to the outcome of other people's state of being or experience. So this can look like wanting people, like needing people to have a really good time in order that you feel like you've, um, done, done a great, done, great work. And then our scene again. You know, it feeds into this puffy gut persona and it's just, it's so exhausting. And again it tightens in the body, it tightens the group field or it tightens the field between two people and it actually stops the process because it's an unconscious agenda coming from us, stops the process because it's an unconscious agenda coming from us. So, yeah, have a look at that. If you feel like you need people to have a deep experience or feel their pain or leave saying this or that. That's really attachment to the outcome and we can really draw back our energy and be aware of that. You know, everyone's on their own journey. We can't control anyone and each person is going to have the experience they need really. It might not be what we think they need, but it's going to be what they need. It's what they co-create, so that's up to them, okay.

Speaker 1: 14:08

Next one is if we find it difficult to be vulnerable with people, either one-to-one or in groups and this is one to watch out for, particularly for therapists who work one-to-one. If you're very comfortable working with people one-to-one but then get in a one-to-one situation in friendships or socially and you feel like, oh no, I don't like this, I'm going to protect myself and not reveal much about myself, that's something to look at, um, because it in the therapy room that's going to produce a certain, a certain dynamic between client and therapist. Um, obviously we don't like it's therapist. Obviously we don't like it's. It's the, it's the person in therapy's time. So I'm not saying this is all about revealing all our own stuff, but it it means if we're guarding ourselves, they're going to feel it. So it stops the flow of energy between two people or it stops the group energy flowing in a certain way. So, again, just something to have a look at. Do you feel comfortable with being more vulnerable or open to a certain extent with people, your friends or groups? And often it's different if we're in groups and one-to-one. So, again, just a lovely investigation to have something to have in progress so that you have a better time and the clients have a better time and everything flows more freely really.

Speaker 1: 15:45

Next one is if you can't feel your own body or emotions while space holding, that's, that's an indication that you're operating on attachment trauma. So if we, if we put all our focus on the other person or the other people and our energy goes outside of our bodies, that is going to have us feeling quite empty and depleted and we're going to be behaving in certain ways to people. We're going to be overly attached, so to speak, and it's again, it's going to have an impact on the whole processing. So, really, coming back to our bodies and being present in our own bodies, being able to feel our own affect and emotions moving, it's just absolutely key because that's where we can act like a tuning fork for what's happening in the group, for what's happening within us and be able to facilitate from a more informed, clearer place.

Speaker 1: 16:45

Okay, so last one is you work and work and work, but feel unappreciated for all your efforts. It's not the people we work with job. It's not their job to or their role to appreciate our efforts at all. They've got their stuff and they're working through it and we're facilitating, and if there is a sense of appreciation, that is lovely, and if there is a flow between two people, there's just a natural sense of appreciation for the process in the presence.

Speaker 1: 17:23

I haven't found a need to be adorned or given praise in Um, so that I feel good about myself. It's not. That's not what we're aiming for really. It's. It's just a flow of energy, like a fire between people, where stuff is moving and we're just becoming more and more present. So, yeah, if you've, if you experience any of those things, it's totally understandable. Uh, because you will have experienced attachment trauma. So I'm going to go into what drives all these things now and, uh, hopefully you're still with me. Uh, this is a lot to take in. So if you need to really pace yourself with this and pause and go back to what it looks and feels like I've written them out as well, then please do that, because it's it's our way of being in the world. And when we question it, it can feel it can feel threatening sometimes. Sometimes it can feel relieving whole host of ways. But, yeah, just take good care of yourselves as you listen through.

Speaker 1: 18:41

So what is driving trauma-based space holding? So, as I said, it's usually attachment trauma and it's kind of people pleasing really, if we are overly focused on others' experience and we can't feel ourselves. So people pleasing is actually parent pleasing or, you know, foster parent pleasing, whoever took care of us. So what happens is we we don't feel secure in our parents' presence, don't feel secure in our parents' presence. We might feel scared and feel the urge to sort of make them, or try and make them, into a version of themselves where we feel safe. This is totally driven by the need to survive, because if we don't attach, if we haven't got someone to attach to and take care of us when we're little, we die.

Speaker 1: 19:32

So this is the level of charge that's driving all of this. That's why it's totally understandable. It really is. It's just we need to bring awareness to it and then work on it. So that's all we can do. So, yeah, we try and make others into a different version of themselves so that we feel safe, and this becomes more of an automatic thing. It becomes a pattern in our nervous system and our being, in our system, like in the parts of us, that we adapt in order to feel safer and feel more loved, and we try and control our environment in a way that stops the pain and stops more loved, and we try and control our environment in a way that stops the pain and stops the terror and we feel okay and safe and loved.

Speaker 1: 20:20

And so this is what's really driving trauma-based space holding the person. Holding, as it more accurately is called, is a fear that if the other person isn't okay in our perception, so okay could be one thing for one person and okay could be another thing for another. So if someone is, for example, scared of anger, if a therapist is scared of anger, we're going to try and avoid the person getting angry, either with us or just generally, or processing anger, and it creates a tension that is unspoken and it's just something that we can look at in order that we can be more integrated ourselves, more present ourselves, so that people we're working with can be more present with us and bring the things that they couldn't feel with their parents, basically, um. So our whole system becomes oriented around us feeling safe and not feeling this, these things that kind of feel big and overwhelming and unsafe, and that's going to be different markers for different people. So when we're working, we we need to really watch out for this, because it's it can re. We can really use it as a compass for our own healing process. Where am I feeling more tense? Where do I back off? Where can I lean in? And this is just an ongoing thing, as I said, that we can utilize as a compass for our own healing as we progress. So the unfortunate paradox is that, as an adult, we hold all this in our bodies and feel unsafe within and we project it onto the people we work with. So, yeah, I don't know what I can say more about this.

Speaker 1: 22:22

Really, if we work on our stuff, there's changes. If we don't work on it, it doesn't change. So anyone you're working with. So if you are a healing arts professional, my support for you is here look at this and unravel it and become more of who you are. That is the work I do. There's so many healers out there, um, so obviously you don't have to work with me, but, um, yeah, I just encourage you to really work with it. Most healers do, some don't, um, so if you are a person who's choosing someone to work with, then one of the main questions you should need to be asking the person, the potential person you're working with, is do you do your own personal work and what's that look like, and is it an ongoing process? And if they say well, no, then don't work with them. If they say yes, then that's someone who's in progress, just like you are, and there's going to be some sort of flow in the therapy room. Okay, I think that's that. So, yeah, I've, I've actually covered.

Speaker 1: 23:40

What does it feel like to be on the receiving end of trauma-driven spaceholders? It feels tense. Yeah, it doesn't feel good. There's a sense of attempt to control, there's a sense that only parts, certain parts, of self are acceptable, and this is all on the scale again. So if there's a load of trauma driven stuff driving the space holding, then, yeah, it's going to feel like quite tense and weird and there isn't going to be much flow. The less trauma that's driving it, the more presence and love that's driving it. It's going to feel better if you're working with somebody. So I'd say I just say, trust your body and see how you feel in the presence of a person you're working with. If you're the person facilitating, see how your body feels in the presence of others, okay. So what can we do about it if space holding is trauma driven?

Speaker 1: 24:45

I mean, I've covered this really in my meanderings, but the solution really is for us to do our deep work both in one-to-one and in groups, because different stuff gets activated when we work in one-to-one and in groups. So I've found it's really useful personally to do both and, yeah, it's helpful. Our attachment template is formed in the womb, so when we can do that gestational work, that is really helpful. That's usually where the survival terror is, and it's remarkable what we can sense in the womb and how our nervous system develops and how our system, our very being, develops. It's all in there when we do that sort of work. So there's quite a few people who do that. If you want to work with me or you want to work with someone I know, you can email me and I can give you some recommendations. That's it really. I mean, all we can do is be aware and work on it in it really Uh, but yeah, how does how does it affect our menstrual cycle?

Speaker 1: 25:54

I just wanted to finish on that. So if we hold in and we we've got, uh, truckloads of pain in our system, then, uh, it's stressful, we're constantly, constantly stressed and our bodies constantly responding to that we, our menstrual cycle is stress sensitive. So if there's a lot of stress in our lives, our priority is not to get pregnant. It really isn't, and so the body system prioritizes being alive. And if we're stressed all the time, that tells the consciousness of our womb as well that it's not a good environment to bring children into. They might not survive. So our menstrual cycle, just our reproductive system, doesn't function at its optimum and so it can be difficult to get pregnant. Or we get pregnant and that baby, that little fetus, is marinating in stress all the time, or most of the time, and then they're born with um, that attachment template set in place of there's a stress in their system which stresses the mum or the parents out even more, and it's just a vicious cycle. So if, if you are holding a lot of attachment trauma and you've got cycle issues, they are related. If you work on the attachment stuff, it's going to help your menstrual cycle and, yeah, I think that's the main thing I want to say about that, really. Okay, all right, I hope this has been useful, as always, for you.

Speaker 1: 27:35

What I'm going to do with each podcast which I've started now is record a practice and put it in the digital shop on my sacred womb website. So if you go to the sacred wombcom the shop, in the menu I'm not I'm making them three pounds each, so that I mean, I think everyone can afford free three pounds. I wanted to make it a level where it's like a no brainer, you can just buy it and you can. You can just listen to it and see what happens. So this particular practice that goes with this is on bringing your energy back into your body, which, energetically, that's what happens.

Speaker 1: 28:14

We go outside of ourselves and try and control our environment. So what this practice does is help you just come into your body more and bring it's like we get these, um, like octopus talons going out of us uh, to try and contain or manipulate our environment so that we feel safe. And it's about really bringing those in and just really seeing what's happening in our body. When we're more in our body, we can process what is sitting there driving us to go out of it. So there'll be some resourcing, there'll be some grounding and there'll be some time for processing as well. Okay, that is live in there now, and if you go over to the shop and take a look, then it will be in there either way. I hope this podcast helps you on its own and is useful. Please do share it with people. This is very, very common. So, yeah, it's helpful if we can get this to as many people as possible. Okie, doke, all right, I will see you next time.