Money Conflict in Marriage: The Key to Oneness in Finances

Vows say "for richer, for poorer" but when 70% of couples argue about finances... and money is consistently ranked as one of the leading sources of conflict in marriage- the reality is radically different from the original intent. Financial disagreements are a very strong predictor of divorce, and when it's "often" it's nearly 3x more!

Chelsey dives deep the REAL key issue at work in marriages where finances are a point of contention and how to make this shift.

Transcript

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Welcome back to the High Level Wife Podcast. This is Chelsea Holm, your host, and we do Marriage God's way here. And I, Zach and I were just talking this morning about how for us, we have never had conflict in our marriage about finances. And we laughed about it and we said it's because when we got married we had nothing, and now we have five kids, and so often we don't have much extra. But God is so good and God always provides. And we were just talking to uh and some new friends yesterday, and we were sharing some of our just story and all of these things. And a couple times I said, Yeah, you know, we we made financial blunders mostly out of just not being patient or lack of understanding. And I said, But God, you know, and then I gave examples of, you know, this was God probably, you know, fixing our math, and this was God probably, and and Zach was like, Why do you keep saying probably? And I was like, I don't know. But then I was thinking about it, and I said, you know, it's because at that time I wasn't intentionally looking for the hand of God providing or guiding us or correcting us or refining us, pruning us, all of those things. Um, whereas now today I intentionally daily look at where am I seeing God's hand moving? Where am I seeing his fingerprint on everything? And so now I confidently say, like, yeah, God absolutely provided this, God absolutely revealed this and gave us direction in this. Like that was him. And it's it's simply because I'm I'm intentionally looking for those things because what you look for, you find. Um, and so but we were having this conversation because financial conflict, right? Disagreements over finances is one of the number one things that couples struggle with, but it's something that Zach and I have never struggled with. Um, and so, and I think it's because, again, when we got married, we didn't have anything, so there was nothing. And we also we did a God's way where two became one, and we have never taken the perspective of this is mine and that is yours, or it was funny this morning there was a conflict that arose between two of our children, and it was along the lines of why do I have to do this? Because it's their mess, you know. And Zach was reminding them that, well, this is your area, this is your chore to focus on, this is your responsibility for the family. He said, you know, I don't just pay my own bills in this family, right? And I just looked at him and I was like, well, that's good because we'd all be screwed if that was the case. Right. Like, I am, I've seen this reel going around where it says, like, shake your moneymaker, and it's a wife shaking her husband. And I laugh at that, but it's so true because my husband provides so well for this family. He's been in the same career for 20 plus years now, and um, he's always had that long-term, well, I shouldn't say always, but by the grace of God, even when he didn't, God still led him through that. But, you know, he has this long-term view of providing for the family and being diligent and responsible to care for us well. Um, and you know, I'm so grateful for that because back when I ran the finances, because it was funny, when we first got married, I ran the finances because I worked at a bank, and also his income was very limited. He only got paid for drill weekends. Um, and I like most of his school was paid for because he did our OTC. Um, and my school was paid for, but my grandma just had to graduate in under four years, which I did, and anyway, so again, blessings, right? So we didn't come into marriage with a lot of debt. Now, I think I mean all of our I didn't have any student loans. He had some student loans, but they have since been paid off. Um, anyway, so we just always put everything together, and I ran the finances because I worked at the bank, and my idea of doing that well was each month it was not below zero. That was a great month in my mind, right? Um, and you know, and some of that was patterns of what I saw or didn't see in um family around me and parents, and you know, that was a success. And, you know, he part of my full surrender was handing everything over to him, right? That was like right before um God moved our family from Wisconsin to Texas, and he ended up after that year going full-time um active guard reserve, and you know, and that whole story, just God's hand and every single part of that story. Um, and that's when I gave all the finances over to him, and he has knocked it out of the park. Like, actually, today we do a cash budget, um, which has been really helpful for me because, you know, as wife, as helper, as support, as Ezekinego, like you give me the budget and I will thrive, I will flourish within this, right? Like, so we have a budget, we have a grocery shopping budget, we have um a gift budget, we have our little individual budgets, which like I pay for like my chiropractor appointments, and then I get like a monthly scalp treatment. Like, that's the extent of of what I do with mine. Um, but it's helped us to really thrive. Um, we did that when we moved to Texas as well, and we actually, by God math in his hand, we were able to pay off like all of our debt in a year, which is crazy. Like, God maths the math when it doesn't math. Um, you know, and that's he is provider, looking to provider and not provision. And so if you are a couple that you argue over finances, um, first of all, I'm not the expert that you should be looking to in how to do this, but I will say from personal experience of a couple who we've never struggled or argued over finances, whether there's a little or a lot, there's not much of a lot, but that's a lot of a little, right? Um, you know, there there shouldn't be this mentality of division or separation. Unity is the goal and unity is the standard. We don't have separate things. Like everything is together, everything is for the family, um, and all of it comes from God. And I think that the way that you change these financial, um, this financial conflict within your marriage truly is first of all, you're looking to provider, right? Not provision. It really comes down to your right order and your focus, right? And um, two people can have the same amount of money, and one looks at looks at it as um, you know, I gotta figure this out, I gotta, I gotta make more, I gotta have more, or I gotta save more, or whatever, right? And the problem is you're you're focusing on the provision and you're not focusing on the provider. One is backed by faith and trust, right? And one intentionally looks for the evidence of provider at work in your life, the other one puts the burden on yourself to figure out how to increase provision. And this is where we get out of order in marriage. And so if you are having financial conflict within your marriage today, you need to sit down and both of you pray that your focus would shift, your order would shift to God first. Focus on provider and not provision. And secondly, remove any types or indicators of division within your finances, that it should be open book for all to see, and we do this together, right? Like that there's no division here. You are submissive to husband as lead, however, like it's not yours and mine, it's ours, and it's not even ours. We are stewards of what the Lord gives us, and that's a perspective that has to shift before you can break out of or be broken out of by the power of God this conflict over finances. I will see you in the next episode.