Generational Impact: How Your Marriage is Hurting or Helping Your Kids

Did you know that 66-75% of young adults raised in the faith, walk away from the faith in their years following leaving the nest? Rather than the allure of being exposed to all new stuff they didn't previously have access to and now they do, might it be a LACK of witnessing the fruits of marriage God's way in their own parents' marriage that led to a disconnect in faith for them? That they saw more hurts, offenses, and lack of intimacy than they saw the fruits of the Spirit on display of 2 people living in the unity of one flesh....

Let' dig in... because more is caught than taught. They are learning and it will be passed down to more than just your kids. 

Transcript

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Welcome back to the High Level Wife podcast. I have been recording some content last week with my some of my kids. Some of my kids didn't want to do that with me, but some of them I invited in who did want to do that. And it led to some really good conversations and content of, you know, my oldest asking me some hard questions of, you know, how do you communicate with your kids, essentially your marriage, and also asking, asking my oldest, you know, what do you think about mine and dad's marriage, right? If you want to know the the honest truth, nothing but the truth, I've always said to moms, you know, watch and listen to your kids play house, right? Because they're going to imitate what they see and hear most often, right? And so it will reveal to you what you're doing and saying most often. And so when Holly, when I asked Holly this question, her response was, I love that you guys put God first. And you know, this was not coached, this was not anything like that. This was just candid, off the cuff, asked her the question, and she responded. And um, and I love that. I love that because that's the whole point, right? And that's not something that you can teach. You can say God first in our life until you're blue in the face, but your kids are gonna be able to cut through the BS and see to the actual heart of it whether you're saying it or not, right? And this is why um, I don't know what the statistic is. Now I'm curious, I kind of want to look it up. What is the statistic of kids that go away to college? Uh and uh hang on, so I can't type and and talk at the same time, but the statistic of kids that go away or leave home and walk away from the faith. Right? I bet it I it's pretty high. Uh I know that. Uh so research from Barna Group, Lifeway Research, and other studies indicate that approximately 66 to 75% of young adults raised in Christian homes drift from their faith or stop attending church regularly after leaving home, particularly during the college years. Um, why it's it's uh while many leave, a significant portion do return later, though many do not. Um, it's called the 69% retention gap. Uh, there's a bunch of other information on here. Anyway, um, and there's lots of theories on why this is, right? Um, but I what I think, this is just my personal opinion, is that we have a disconnect from what our kids are seeing at church or in public to what they're actually seeing or experiencing or hearing behind closed doors, right? Because if you have parents that were a certain way when you were in public or with other people, especially at church, and then as soon as you got in the car or on your way to church or whatever, like behind closed doors, it was a completely different story. Well, what kind of faith is that actually going to build in your kids? That's going to build into your kids do as I say, not as I do, right? And it's kind of going to negate your faith straight up. It's going to damage their faith straight up. We have to have a synchronization. We have to have an equal equilibrium. I don't know if that's the word. We have to have this character that is the same, whether we go out or stay in, whether we're sitting down or standing up, whether we're speaking or whether we're not, and through our actions, right? It's not do as I say, not as I do, right? Like that is not what the Lord has commanded us to do in marriage. Because here's the thing: more is caught than taught. And you are generationally impacting your children on not just how they view marriage and their perspective on what they want theirs to be or not to be based on what they're experiencing from yours. But you are either many times, right? Unless these patterns are disrupted, you are passing down patterns that you're refusing to bring an awareness to, to address, and to disrupt, right? It's this idea of generational patterns, right? They they will continue to be passed down until someone has the courage to disrupt them by the power of the Holy Spirit. We have the Holy Spirit in us as believers, we aren't able to do the things that we could not do before when we were dead in our sins, but Jesus, right? But God. And so asking my daughter these hard questions, um, I would challenge you to ask your children these hard questions. What do you think of mine and dad's marriage? What do you think of me and your mom's marriage? And give them the space to be honest, truly, right? Ask them, what do you hear? Right? Is there a is there a chasm between what we're saying and what you're actually observing? Is there an area of our marriage where you haven't seen or we haven't revealed that to you, right? Because a lot of times, you know, you have marriages dysfunction or functioning in dysfunction, where conflict is something that you do not do in front of your children, or conflict is something that is completely in front of your children at all times, and there's no separation there, right? Um, and that led into uh my daughter, I said, ask me a hard question about marriage, and her question was how do you interact or speak to your kids about your marriage through the challenging times, right? Well, hopefully you're on you listened to my last couple episodes about the rules for communication, and so you're reminding yourself that you're on the same team pulling in the same direction, so that no matter what circumstantial challenge arises, God is first. Everything flows from there, and therefore you guys are in the same on the same team, pulling in the same direction, right? So nothing is going to steal your joy, nothing can take your peace, and you walk forward in one flesh, right? But when that's not the case, answering that question is gonna be much more of a challenge, right? Because you are no longer navigating in the security and the solid rock I stand on, Christ, the firm foundation, right? And now you are navigating in a completely different operating system of your own understanding and your own strength and what you think it should be. And so this whole episode is to challenge you on what it is that you're passing on to your kids, what are they learning from you in your marriage? And is that a good thing? Is that a God-honoring thing? Is that aligned with God's design for marriage? And if it's not, what patterns need to be disrupted? What um what communication rules need to be implemented? What hard things need to be talked about with your kids rather than hidden behind closed doors, right? How often are kids surprised by divorce because they didn't even know that there was a problem because everything was hush-hush behind closed doors. So they didn't even know that that that that there was a problem that existed, right? So it's it's about having this clear picture, like an actual reality of where are we, right? And what is it that we're passing on? And are there changes that we want to make? Because our marriage isn't about us, right? It's not about our happiness, it's for our holiness, but it is making impact generationally, not just for our kids, but our future grandchildren and their children. Like we are playing into that. Okay, are you do you understand that? Do you understand? Because when you understand that, everything begins to shift in the way that you look at your marriage, the way that you look at your spouse, and the way that you interact with your kids about your marriage. Right? Because there's a lot that we don't want to pass on. We also don't want our kids to have a false view or a false expectation of a good marriage doesn't struggle or doesn't have any issues or challenges, right? We want to have these walls down with our children so that they can see us struggling in the same direction circumstantially, but completely solid and rooted and grounded in the love of Christ and walking in peace and confidence and boldness for the Lord in everything that we're doing, right? There, there's a huge difference there in what our kids are going to take away from that, and then what they're going to inadvertently carry on into their future generations. So I hope this episode challenges you to step back and take a big picture. Sit down with your spouse and talk through these things, right? Talk through your experiences with your own parents. And you can do this in honoring your parents that your parents did the best they could with what they had and what they knew. And odds are they did better than the generation before them, right? So may you do better than the generation before you, and not just a little bit, but by leaps and bounds. Because you are someone who is completely in alignment or wants to be, is actively submitted and surrendering to be full alignment with God's heart and what that looks like for marriage his way. I'll see you on the next episode.