The Opposite of Intimacy Isn’t Conflict: It’s Self-Protection

Most couples think conflict is what destroys intimacy.

It’s not.

Self-protection is.

A husband jokes instead of admitting he feels rejected.

A wife withdraws instead of admitting she feels hurt.

One pursues. One avoids.

Different behaviors. Same root.

Self-protection.

In this episode, Chelsey unpacks the hidden ways self-protection shows up in marriage, why God often uses marriage to expose the wounds and fears He wants to heal, and how our identity in Christ gives us the security to stop hiding and start moving toward one another.

Because intimacy was never built on performance, control, or self-preservation.

It was built on vulnerability, truth, and trust.

And self-protection and intimacy cannot coexist.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to the High Level Wife podcast. I'm Chelsea Holm, your hostess, and here we do Marriage God's Way. I made a reel this last week, or maybe it was the week before, I don't even remember. And it went pretty viral. It's got over half a million views, and it had all sorts of reactions. You know, husbands saying, Yeah, this is accurate, others totally off their rocker. And then a lot of mean people too. You know, the internet is a wild place where people say the craziest things that are completely off base. And just, I'm just like, where does this come from? Right. Because hopefully no one would ever say those things to someone's face, right? Anyway uh, so that is completely off topic. But this reel struck a nerve because it was addressing the fact that when husbands grab for their wives and make a joke, what what they're doing is they are expressing that they want intimacy, but doing it in a way that is not actually going to get what they want because a wife is going to receive it as like pressure, an expectation. And really what a husband is doing is protecting himself from further rejection because he's experienced rejection for a long time, right? He he's living out a pattern. And you've heard me say before that intimacy and self-protection cannot coexist. And this is one of the greatest challenges in marriage when it comes to just interrelationally, how how we relate to one another, because marriage is two imperfect people who have been saved by grace through faith, right? So that they couldn't boast, but it's a gift that they received from the Lord. Okay, right. They're new creations, they are walking in the finished work of the power of the cross through Jesus, right? Where our debts have been canceled against us that had legal right over us. We have been made alive, we have been brought from death to newness of life. The the enemy, the demonic powers and authorities of this world were disarmed and put to shame. Okay, this is the identity that we stand in of the finished work of the cross, right? Okay, but marriage is ground zero, where we have two people who have experienced hurts from each other's hands. And now we're trying to move forward, and we have we are body, mind, and spirit. So we have these challenges that we're facing. And unfortunately, most people would rather go somewhere else than sit in the discomfort on purpose of what it looks like to walk through the healing process, right? Forgiveness is quick, the healing process is not. Now, God can transform and heal in an instant, he absolutely can. And I've seen him do it before, but for most of the time, healing is a process, just like sanctification is a process, right? Like I can I just keep saying that if Jesus hasn't returned yet or you're not dead, you are still being sanctified. God is still carrying out to completion the good work that he started in you because Jesus hasn't returned and you're not dead yet. So you're still being sanctified, right? And sanctification is not an up into the right process, it's literally an up-down process of God healing things, exposing things, pruning things, refining things, and testing you. I don't know why I never understood that God tests us. I was just reading in Deuteronomy yesterday, and it's where the Israelites are getting ready to go into the promised land, and God is reminding them, right? Moses is reminding them of where they came from, what God did, um, since they don't forget, so they don't go into the promised land and think, like, oh, look what we did, right? No, it was God and God alone. But there's a portion in, I think it's chapter eight, it might be chapter nine, but I think it's chapter eight, where um God is like, I tested you, I humbled you, and I disciplined you because I love you. And I don't know that I ever grew up being taught that God tests us, right? And actually the opposite, right? Where I think there was a confusion with like understand that it's not God who tempts you, but it's your desires that carry you off, your desires in the flesh that carry you off and lead to sin, right? So absolutely that is true. That is God's word. So God doesn't tempt us, obviously. But there's not, I didn't grow up hearing much talk about the Lord testing us, refining us, pruning us, right? The actual sanctification process being carried out. Um, maybe I just wasn't listening or I didn't understand, or maybe it wasn't talked about. I don't know, because it's uncomfortable. You have to willingly submit yourself to the own unknown discomfort of God growing you rather than staying stuck in the known discomfort of our dysfunctional operating systems and especially in marriage, how we interact with one another. And so this real struck a nerve because it was addressing how men will walk um in rejection without being vulnerable, because to be vulnerable is to be exposed, right? To be vulnerable is to open up parts of you that are now not protected, right? Vulnerability is the opposite of protection. Vulnerability is the opposite of self-protection. Um, and so I think it's so good to have this conversation because I started with the finished work of the cross. And this is what enables us to get out of these dysfunctional patterns, to sit intentionally in the discomfort of God healing us and growing us and sanctifying us because we are able to move forward in our marriages in the same direction, right? Essentially free-falling and knowing the Lord is going to catch us, like, and not putting that our healing on our spouse, right? Absolutely. We we can learn to communicate better. Um, emotional intimacy is literally just revealing what is happening inside of you and being able to communicate that in a way that doesn't attack the other person or put the blame on the other person, right? Simply in when you do this, this is how I feel. And because of that, though, I want to feel this way, and then being able to give a specific request to move forward together, right? You're not putting your healing on your spouse because you're healing, your spouse is incapable of bringing you the healing that only God can do in and through you, right? Because then we start to slip into idolatry of our spouse and of our marriage, thinking that our husband is going to be able to do what only God can do, right? And that's too much pressure and burden on him. He he can't do that, right? Now he can walk in partnership with the Lord to disrupt his own dysfunctional patterns, to counteract his self-protection mechanisms with awareness and communication and actually being able to move forward in submission to how God is healing him, right? In that free fall of God, I trust you. This is scary for me, but I trust you, right? And likewise for a wife of it's scary for me to be soft and be open because it's safer me for me to move in productivity. It's safer for me to move in my masculine and get stuff done. It's not safe, it doesn't feel safe for me to be soft and put on the sundress and be open, right? But that's where God does the healing. That's where our patterns are disrupted. And it is required if we want to walk in oneness, of two becoming one flesh and walking in that oneness. Because sin blocks oneness, self-protection blocks oneness. This is why repentance is so important. And we have to start there in marriage, right? We have to start by taking ownership of the fact that, you know, I've been hurt. You were the one actually who hurt me. But I'm gonna move forward in forgiveness and also I'm gonna submit myself to the healing process. And that means sitting with the discomfort of, hey, my body is bracing at this when my mind and my spirit are wanting intimacy. So we can't have it both ways, right? So we have to essentially free fall into the Lord, which allows us to free fall into each other, right? Are you actually believing the finished work of the cross? Are you actually believing that you are a new creation, right? We know things in our head, but do we actually believe it? This is why I love, I think the centurion uh his prayer was, I believe, Lord, help my unbelief. Because so much of walking with the Lord is moving from knowing in our head to actually full-body belief that God, I know you are good. I've seen it, and I am intentionally remembering what you've done. And I am intentionally hoping for what's to come. And I am standing firmly in the identity that I am kept by Jesus, and God keeps me from stumbling right into doubt in my faith, but keeps me held in the truth of Christ and the finished work of the cross, right? And so, yes, this real, it struck a nerve because it's addressing the elephant in the room and it's saying the things that are unsaid but deeply felt, right? It's by so many related so strongly to it. And this was mine and Zach's story. And this is this is an area where we are still walking through healing because I rejected him for so many years, and I stayed comfortable in productivity and self-protection, and his need for desire started to be communicated as a joke and as grabbing, which did the opposite of what he actually wanted. And so it requires both of us to crucify our flesh, right? To practice an awareness of what's actually going on in our bodies and what's happening under the surface, being able to communicate those and laying those down to Christ in submission to him, that our feelings are not our authority. We anchor in the word of God and we move forward together in the same direction, right? It's being able to free fall into the Lord and communicate to your spouse that, hey, I feel afraid. I'm afraid that that I'm I'm gonna put myself out there and you're gonna reject me again. But I'm gonna communicate that to you, right? And I'm actually gonna say what I really want is I want intimacy and I want closeness with you, right? But my worth and and and my uh identity is not in your response to me or your rejection of me, because I am standing on the rock. I am grounded and rooted in the love of Christ, and that is what enables me to walk through the hurts and the hangups and into oneness and restored relationship. So I want to end this with just asking you the question of where is your self-protection in your hurts and your hangups keeping you stuck in your marriage when the Lord is using it, using your marriage to reveal an area of healing that he has for you, to reveal an area where he wants to grow you. And what is it gonna look like for you to lay those feelings down and also express those emotions to your spouse? What's that going to look like for you? And sit with those questions and take them to the Lord, go before him and and be naked and unashamed with your emotions, with your hurts. He knows them already, but God wants all of you, and he wants you to want all of him, right? And and that's why he he his heart is that none should perish. And all of this plan being carried out for heaven is to have restoration of fellowship and intimacy, of walking with the father and the father with his children. How awesome is that! I'll see you on the next episode.