When Your Past Keeps Interrupting Your Present

Have you ever found yourself reacting more strongly than a situation seems to warrant?

Maybe it’s fear, frustration, anxiety, defensiveness, or discouragement. You know what God says, yet you still find yourself stuck in the same patterns.

In this episode, Chelsey explores how past hurts, disappointments, and survival patterns can quietly shape the way we respond to our present circumstances. You’ll learn why God often uses life’s tests to reveal what still needs healing, how old experiences influence our reactions, and what it means to put off the old self, be renewed in Christ, and walk in freedom.

Because God isn’t interested in managing your symptoms.

He wants to transform you from the inside out.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I've talked about this before in seasons past, past episodes, but the things that we say to ourselves create the outcomes in our lives. And the things that we allow others to say to ourselves create the outcomes in our lives. And it really comes down to perspective. But the biggest thing is, and the problem with mindset coaching is we don't take into account our physical body and the physical responses that we have, right? The problem with mindset coaching alone is that we dive into the what do I need to do, but we don't actually get to the thoughts that are prompting our emotions, that are creating our behaviors and things we're doing or not doing, which is ultimately what creates the outcomes in our lives. And so because we don't actually get to the thing or the thing that's actually the thing that I talk about all the time, we don't get to the root cause, we're not able to make consistent changes that are going to create new outcomes over time because we get stuck. Because what happens is when you have a stress response. So let's say that um I'll just use the example of myself. So there was a moment at the gym, at the gym on the Army base that um Zach is currently stationed at. And, you know, I went in and my body type and the way that I dress, I like to wear more cropped shirts, right? Not like super cropped, but like that they just like hit the top of my pants, right? Like, anyway, doesn't matter. That's just my body type. That's my style, that's what I like. Plus, I get really hot, so I don't like anything that's like tucked in or really long. Anyway, that was all of that to say, like my workout clothes tend to be higher-waisted workout pants or shorts and crop tops that just hit the top of my pants. Well, as I walked into the gym this day, right? And and I've only been in this gym a few other times because I only go when I'm, you know, when we're down there visiting Zach. And um the lady at the counter, like I said, hi, and immediately she was like, ma'am, we don't allow midrifts to show in here. And I was like, oh, and I totally went into a stress response where immediately I was like, okay, like, and so like I pulled my shirt down, like I pulled my pants up, I like wrapped my sweatshirt around me, and I totally just froze in that situation. And afterwards, and this is always my prompt that shoot, I was in a stress response and I didn't notice it, and I wasn't able to actually express myself. And so what happens is my prompt later, that that is what exactly happened, is I get angry. And I'm like thinking through all the things I wish I would have said in that situation, but I didn't say because I shut down because I was in a stress response. I didn't notice the physical response in my body at the time, which for me feels like a dropping of my stomach and my heart tends to race, right? That's your body kicking into survival mode, that something feels unsafe here because of experience we've had in our past. And I didn't notice that. And so I wasn't able to get myself out of that stress response to actually get back into my prefrontal cortex, which is the front of your brain on your forehead, right? That actually allows us to have higher rational thinking and to make conscious decisions because survival mode is reactive, whereas our conscious brain allows us to think through things, right? And, you know, it's not developed sometimes until 25 years old. So there's that. Um, but you know, afterwards I was really angry and I was like hyper like aware and conscious of, you know, while I was working out, which impacted my workout because, you know, every move that I was doing, I was like, oh my gosh, like is my belly showing? Like, am I gonna get kicked out of the gym? Like, oh my gosh, and I'm looking around and I'm like, there's other women here that are showing their bellies. Why did I get picked out? Right? Like, why did I get picked on? And you know, like the anger started to build. And so by the time, you know, I got back and Zach got home, I was like, you will not believe it happened to me today. And blah blah blah, right? And like I just didn't feel good about the whole situation. And so, you know, it kind of put a bad taste in my mouth about the gym of like, well, gosh, these are the only workout clothes that I packed for me to go work out each day this week, you know, same style type stuff, right? And um, what am I gonna do? Like, am I gonna get kicked out? Are they not gonna let me back in? Like, what's gonna happen here? And again, it was like this hyper focus and fixation and like anger and unspoken words and and all of that. And so I actually was having a call with a coach, and she gave me a very simple framework for being able to, you know, get out of that stress response. And like I know like breathing, but I totally just blew right past like even noticing that I was having a response until I looked back and was like, oh yeah, okay, like here we go again. Because what you need to understand is, you know, when we're doing inner work, it's all a practice and a process, right? It's in it, it feels clunky and awkward at first when anytime we're trying to do something new that we haven't done before, but the longer we do it and the more consistent we are with it, the more it does become like second nature to us. Um, and so she walked me through this framework and she was like, well, first of all, noticing the physical response in your body when you're challenged or misunderstood, or someone brings something to your attention and you have that physical response. And as I said, for me, that's a dropping in my belly and immediately feeling like I did something wrong and I want to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. But really, and so then what she said, you know, is breathing first and foremost, reminding yourself I am safe right now, and I can, you know, invite this person into my experience, and I can also gain her perspective as well. And um, and and then to speak and create that space and hold that space for both of us to walk through this experience together. And I, you know, very simply after getting out of that stress response with breathing and reminding myself of um I am safe, right? Um I could have asked, oh, I I didn't realize that was the thing. Can you please um tell me what is the protocol for, you know, if someone is not dressed according to the policy? Or can you can you give me more information? Like what is the policy specifically? And what are the steps of action if somebody, you know, is it like three strikes and you're out? Or what is it like gain clarity, invite her into my perspective? And also, I, you know, could have simply in this situation pointed out others in the gym, as in, you know, I see this woman over here. I'm just trying to gain clarity on this, you know, are is she okay? You know, and and if she is, then what about what I'm wearing is, you know, not aligned with the policy. Um, and you know, just be able to create that space by being expressive and speaking, right? Instead of completely shutting down because I didn't get out of a stress response. And so she walked me through that framework and I was like, oh, that makes so much sense because this is something that happens on repeat. Because as I said, I've had experiences in my life where I was not able to speak, or when and actually, better yet, when I did speak, I was completely shut down and either rejected or hurt. And our body remembers those things. And so this is why mindset work alone does not work. God did not just create us with a mind, he created us mind, body, and spirit, right? I I've said this before that, you know, he really created us as a reflection, like an earthy reflection of the Trinity, God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. And it's just such a cool like way to look at it that like we're created in the image of God, and God is three in one and one in three, and he created us with mind, body, and spirit as well. And so I just I always think that that's such a cool thought to have. Um, and so today I was walking with a client through through this, and you know, we are walking through it, has to start with the physical response, noticing that and creating an awareness around what's going on in your body. You know, is your heart racing? It are your palms sweaty, is your stomach dropping, or is your belly turning? Um, you know, is there tension in your shoulders or your chest or your neck or your head? All of those things are indicators that you are having a physical response to something, which means your body remembers a time when you didn't feel safe or it wasn't safe based on an experience or multiple experiences. And that's where we have to start. We have to create that awareness around what's going on in your body. So then we can do the mindset work, right? And so the basic framework for changing your outcomes, right, is to start with that awareness of the physical response, leaning into the body work, but then also looking at the thought. Like what is the situation? Um, and so in this instance, uh, my client had a situation where she was challenged as the expert in her field on what she observed in in this this situation. And, you know, immediately her thought goes to, oh, I must be wrong. And so, because of that, when she thinks and tells herself, I must be wrong, an emotion is prompted. And that emotion is self-doubt, questioning, right? Questioning herself. Like, um, yeah, but I mean, self-doubt is the emotion, right? And lack of confidence and um right, and so because she is feeling that emotion, and actually, this is a good place to talk about the emotion wheel. If you guys are not familiar with the emotion wheel, and you are someone who has struggled with naming your emotions or even knowing what you're feeling or thinking, um, that used to totally be me. If it wasn't a good positive emotion, um I didn't want to deal with it and I didn't want to name it. And honestly, it was hard for me to even say out loud that I feel angry, which is kind of crazy when you think about it. So if you Google the emotions wheel, you'll see it's this three-circled wheel in the middle. It has calm, sad, fear, anger, strong, happy, or some variation of that. And then the next one has like all of these other like next step out different, different things. So if you look at like happy, um, well, let's look at let's look at fear, right? Insecure, nervous, panic, worry, shock, stress. And then out from there, you can get even deeper into anxious, skeptical, overwhelmed, tension, paranoid, confused. And so this is such a great tool to have. I say print it off and have it by you at all times as you're learning to be expressive in how you're feeling. Um, and so what happens is right, you you have this thought of, you know, I must be wrong. And then you're prompted to feel now I feel insecure. And when I feel insecure, then I question myself and I overthink and I shut down, I don't say anything further, right? All of these behaviors. It can be a very long list or a very short list of behaviors, and then when you do those things, an outcome is created, and in her situation, in my client's situation, the outcome that was created was this feeds back into that loop because the outcome that is created is I'm now doubting myself, and she's doubting herself, and so she's going back into that thought of I'm probably wrong. And it just keeps going on repeat, right? And so when I was working with her, we were talking about, you know, this framework of we need to first notice, right? We need to um, I call it the safe framework. Um, and and when you think about the safe framework, um really it's about seeing, right? Like what those those um responses in your body, right? Seeing the responses and um digging into it, right? And using that as your first step is just having that awareness and um actually it's really important that that we we take the time to walk through this because if we don't and we just focus on the mindset of like, oh, just think better thoughts. Well, guess what? That's not going to work now, is it? No, it's not. Um so S safe the safe framework S is see the pattern without shame. So when she notices in her body that she's having a physical response, she is now starting to see the pattern. And the pattern for her is this repetitive fueling of I'm probably wrong, and that feeds into I'm doubting myself, and that feeds back into I'm probably wrong. And that, and as you can see, like you're walking through that. And so we always have to start with seeing the pattern because we can't change what we aren't aware of. And we need to understand that we have survival responses, and when we notice those and we're we we have this practice of being able to walk through them, then we can do it with compassion. Right. And it's it doesn't come down to something's wrong with me, but it's something hurt me. And here's the pattern that has come out of that. Because as I said before, our patterns are all there to that because we get something out of them. Otherwise, we wouldn't do them. But unfortunately, the processes that we take on don't align with our ultimate goals, or they are hurtful to us or other people in the process itself. And so that's what we have to do first is we have to notice this pattern. We have to notice what is the thing that is prompting the physical response that feeds into what is the thought that I'm having that prompts the emotion, that creates the behaviors, and then um what is the outcome that's actually created? Now, do I like that outcome? If I don't like that outcome, then guess what? We can change it. And the only way we can change it is if we create a new thought. Okay. And so we have to move into the second step, right? Which is A, to anchor in God's voice, not our fears. We have to disrupt fear-based loops and we have to renew trust in God the Father. Now, this is not something you're gonna hear from most mindset coaches, um, and it's not something you're gonna hear typically with body work either or anywhere in growth, unless it's coming from a biblically rooted perspective, which is how we build our lives. It's the foundation of everything. And so that's why this is included, because so often it's about creating my truth, your truth, right? But who cares? Like, no, there's none of that. It is anchoring into God's truth that is established and proven and is rooted in love, not fear. And so if we are anchoring in God's voice, which is the voice of love, then we are able to easily dismantle the fear and the fear-based loops that we have going on. And so that's the second piece. And then the third piece is the F. We have to feel what we've been avoiding, right? We have to create a space that's safe for us to feel our emotions fully instead of numbing or performing. Um, and so often, and I see this all the time when I'm working with clients, is that, you know, we haven't had space to be able to even, you know, name our emotions, let alone sit with them. And we've also been socially engineered to avoid anything that feels bad or heavy. And so we get into these cycles of super low lows and then forcing ourselves into high highs. Like I used to do this for coaching, is that, you know, like if I felt like I needed to show up in a certain energy for coaching calls and working, like or doing content or whatever. Um, and so I would force myself into it rather than allowing myself to show up sitting in some of the lower energy levels and and seeing the beauty in that. And that God gave us all of our emotions. And there's no good ones or bad ones. Um, there's just emotions. And as I said before, like anger, like saying I feel angry was really challenging for me because I had these, you know, belief systems that said, like, don't be angry, right? Or don't stay angry. Um, anger is bad. And I didn't realize that anger is an emotion that we feel, but we don't have to hold on to it. And I think that that was the biggest thing for me is like I'm allowed to feel all of these things and this the spectrum of all of these things, right? The emotion wheel, I can feel all of these, but I don't have to stay stuck there. And and what I mean by that is I can hold the space and feel them, and then I can let it go, like waves coming in and waves going out. I don't need to hold on to them, I don't need to ignore them, I don't need to numb them. I can simply just feel them and sit with them and move past it. And then the last one is the E to establish safety and then surrender, right? So when we root our identity, rhythms, and boundaries in God's love, that surrender becomes peace, not panic. And what happens is, you know, we have this radical awareness, and now we have this new level of emotional maturity. That emotional maturity is not big boys never cry or rub some dirt in it. It's actually being fully expressive and feeling our emotions and releasing them, being able to create and hold space to invite others into our experience and also to get into the experience of others. That's what emotional maturity is. And so, again, it has to start with this awareness of what's physically going on in our body, and from there we can actually do the mindset work, and because we wrap it all and root it all in God's truth, we will not be led astray, and our emotions will not dictate how we show up or don't show up, right? We actually get to decide what we're gonna do with them, right? Whereas before in a stress response, we don't get to decide, remember? We don't have that conscious higher thinking. We're just being reactive and trying not to die, right? And so we need to understand this. And so I wanted to share this that because my client that I was working with today, you know, as we walked through this, the story framework as it's called, um, the story framework of, you know, what is the thought, what is the emotion, what are the behaviors, what is the outcome? You know, she I said, uh, I paused and I said, you know, how how is this feeling for you? Like, you know, what do you think about this? Like it's a practice. How do you feel about implementing this as a practice next time in a situation like this as it arises? And she said, I'll be honest, I don't feel like I can do this because I'm still stuck in that feeling like my head is starting to ache and my heart is pounding. And I said, absolutely, right? It starts with that awareness. And so I wanted to make this so clear that like we cannot ignore the body and think that we're going to think our way through everything. Um, this way, willpower is stupid. And I hate 75 Heart. You're just forcing yourself through something. And while I absolutely believe and implement disciplines in my life, those disciplines are a spiritual act of worship, not a box to check. Right. And I'm able to do those in the full spectrum of emotions because of my ability to have an awareness of how I'm feeling and also not allow it to dictate for me how I'm feeling. Because I'm able to get out of a reactive place and I'm able to get into a proactive, higher thinking, conscious, rational decision place. And so often, especially within marriage, we are reactive and we are not able. And like this is why Zach and I, or well, I struggled so much with intimacy, because I didn't realize that I was living in this high-functioning anxiety survival mode. Um, you know, and and I, you know, he would say, Hey, do you want to go upstairs? And immediately I was like, No, because that was my innate response, because I knew what was gonna happen when we got there was I wasn't feeling it. So I was gonna have to force myself. And I also was battling with my brain not being able to shut off. And I I just didn't have the ability to be present because I hadn't created this awareness about like what am I even feeling? Like, what is my body telling me? And then from there, being able to calm my body and get out of that stress response by moving into a natural pace, by doing the inner work of seeing how um, you know, childhood patterns had brought me here and being able to identify those patterns and rewrite them, right? To get out of those cycles that was hurting him and hurting me, and that we were getting results, but in an unhealthy way, right? Like I had to, I had to walk through all of that and it didn't happen overnight. But now I am in a place where I'm not forcing myself, right? I'm not showing up for my husband out of obligation or duty or some stupid idea that women can never say no, like that all has is gone because I have done this work. And like, this is what I do inside high-level wife is I help women to do the same work because your body is telling you something, and you've been so conditioned to ignoring it and ignoring your emotions. I was there too, that you are living in this completely disconnected, overwhelmed, anxious place, and you're trying to mindset your way through it, but unfortunately, you and I'm telling you, you can't do it, you just can't do it, you can't do it well without knowing what your body is telling you, and then starting from that place, right? And keeping that rooted in God's truth. So I hope this challenged you today. I also hope this helps you to feel like seen, super seen. If you're here, you're like, wow, I've never felt so seen in my life. Like I've totally been there too, and you know, I've tried to just like mindset willpower my way through things, and unfortunately, that has led to me just not feeling like myself and like I like feeling like I'm suffocating under the weight of all these burdens and checklists and boxes to check and all of those things. And honestly, the beauty of what I'm helping women to create and what I've, you know, um walked with the Lord to create in myself is to be deeply who God made you to be, taking off all the weights and layers and burdens and expectations that we've placed in ourselves and have allowed to be placed upon us in our life, to be radically present, enjoying the blessings that God has given us, not getting stuck in box checking or duty or obligation, but actually enjoying life and having life in the full and abundance that we only get with fulfillment in Christ. And also to be fully expressive, not ignoring how we're feeling, but being able to say how we're feeling, feeling it, holding that space for ourselves and allowing those feelings to then wash back out with the waves, right? Not getting stuck or suffocating or storing them, but allowing them to go because we're actually like in control rather than our emotions controlling us and moving us into stress responses. So that is possible for you, my friend, as like the most high-achieving, self-proclaimed super multitasker who now today sucks at multitasking because I am so present and so relaxed and able to enjoy my kids and my husband and the blessings that God has given me. Like I'm speaking from firsthand experience. This is possible for you. And I hope today I helped you to walk through these things in a practical way, but also painted a picture for you of what is possible when you lean in to do this inner work. Like it's not about restoring your marriage. God is the one who restores your marriage, but it's about being deeply you again, as God created you to be, and being able to um take off all of the suffocating layers that you've put on yourself, like to feel seen and heard, to create that safety within yourself, right? Not just being tossed to and fro from the emotions that come up that we refuse to deal with, and not being a shell of yourself because you're numbing or disassociating, like actually having full mutual desire for your husband because of the intense craving that you have for God and how you are seeking him relentlessly in your life. If this, if this uh episode really hit you deep and you want some more information about high-level wife and what that looks like, um, take a look at the show notes or hit me up on Instagram. It's Chelsea underscore Noel, C-H-E-L-S-E-Y underscore N-O-E-L. And I would love to start that conversation. I've got a bunch of free resources. I've got a video, a free training that you can watch. Um, you know, and you're always welcome to book a free 15-minute call with me and just dive into what that could look like. And I love creating these spaces for women just like you, where every single time I, you know, they get in a room with me and they haven't had this space created for them in a long time, or if ever, you know, walls come down and almost every single time, I probably every single time, women say, I don't know why I'm crying, I don't know why I'm so emotional. And I'm like, it's because for the first time in your life, or first time in a long time, you actually feel safe and you feel seen and you feel heard, and that hits deep. And I love that I get to create that space, and I'm here ready to create that space for you when you're ready. And honestly, you won't ever be ready. You just um hopefully you're not like me. My ready came on the back end of my first ever and never again panic attack. Um, totally freaked me out and freaked my husband out. And we were like, we don't know what this is. Um, and it was my body punching me in the face saying, You will deal with this and you will listen to me. Um, and that was the start of healing for me. And the culmination of healing for me has been using the pain that I've walked through and the preparation that God has allowed me to endure for your good and to help you and to help you not stay stuck where I was and help you not to get to the panic attack to be able to start doing the work now rather than later when it's like SOS help and the whole house is burning down.