Why Vulnerability Feels So Hard…

Discover why vulnerability feels so difficult, what you’re actually protecting, and how trusting God allows you to move toward deeper intimacy, healing, and connection.

If vulnerability is the pathway to intimacy, why is it so difficult?

Why do we want connection but pull away? Why do we long to be known yet struggle to reveal what’s really happening inside of us?

In this episode, Chelsey explores the real reason vulnerability feels so hard: self-protection. Drawing from Genesis, Colossians, and everyday marriage dynamics, she unpacks how old hurts, fear, and past experiences often teach us to hide, control, defend, and protect ourselves from further pain.

You’ll learn why self-protection and intimacy cannot coexist, how old receipts influence present reactions, and why true vulnerability isn’t ultimately about trusting your spouse perfectly—it’s about trusting God completely.

Because healing begins when we stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and start asking, “What am I protecting?”

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to this episode of the High Level Wife Podcast. I am Chelsea Holm, your hostess, and we do Marriage Godsway here. And we're continuing off of the topic of vulnerability. And so last time we talked about what vulnerability actually is, which, just as a reminder, or if you haven't listened to that episode yet, I recommend go back and listen to it. The episodes are never that long. They're about 10 to so minutes. Um, but here's a refresher it's not oversharing, it's not trauma dumping, it's not telling your spouse every thought in your head, though I've been guilty of that for many years. We talked about how vulnerability is revealing what is true. It's not simply sharing more information, right? It's about that revelation. But today I want to answer the question that naturally follows. And maybe after listening to yesterday's episode, you are asking yourself, if vulnerability is so important, then why is it so hard? Why do we struggle to do it? Why do we want connection but pull away? Why do we want intimacy but shut down? Why do we want to be known but hide? And I think the answer is surprisingly simple. And I'll tell you, most things in this world are actually very simple, but we love to overcomplicate things because when we overcomplicate things, then we struggle to understand them. And then it makes more sense of why we don't understand, right? But it's very simple self-protection. Most people are not afraid of talking, they're afraid of being seen. Because being seen creates risk. Because when you reveal what's actually happening inside of you, you no longer control how the other person responds, right? Like if you don't tell them anything, then you sort of control the response because there won't be a response. If you don't reveal it, there can't be a response, right? So that's scary when we reveal something, when we're we allow ourselves to be fully known. Because many of us, all of us, I guarantee, have old receipts. And there are receipts that say things like, I opened up and I got hurt. I trusted and I got disappointed. I shared and got criticized. I was vulnerable and it wasn't safe. And just a note here on this, that was literally my story of how I came into agreement with the enemy. And for so many years, like I started to get hurt and I guarded myself, right? Um, I continued to be disappointed by things, so I just decided that I just wouldn't have any expectations of anything or anyone anymore, which actually just meant I put all the expectations on myself and all of the um just the burden of being the solution and bringing the solutions. And that's too much for anyone to carry. Um, and thankfully the Lord brought me out of that and revealed to me that those were all lies that I had agreed uh with the enemy and had like tamped myself down for too many years. Okay. So somewhere along the way, we learned to protect yourself, right? Don't say that or don't reveal that part of you. Keep that part hidden, stay guarded, stay in control. And what started as protection became a pattern. And the problem is that the same walls that keep pain out also keep intimacy out. My husband and I experienced this for years, where literally one day I told him, I said, you know, I feel like there is literally like some sort of wall that is built between us. Like I didn't build it, but I felt it. And it was the fact that he had built it out of shame, of wanting to stay hidden. That same wall that protects us from rejection often always prevents connection. Those same walls that protect us from disappointment often prevent closeness, which is why I say all the time that self-protection and intimacy cannot coexist. They just can't. Eventually, you have to choose because intimacy requires risk, not reckless risk, but relational risk. The risk of being known, the risk of being misunderstood, the risk of not getting the response you hoped for, the risk of revealing what is actually happening inside of you. Okay, and this isn't a marriage issue, this is a human issue. Goes all the way back to Genesis. But before I get into that, I I was reading this morning. Um I think it was, was it in Luke or Mark? I can't remember, but I think actually I think it's in both. Um, but Jesus is talking about the cost of discipleship. And he says, in order for you to be my true disciple, you have to renounce everything in this world. And I think that the cost of vulnerability is literally renouncing everything and letting everything be out there and being fully known, right? That's a risk, but that's what's required for intimacy. The cost of intimacy, the cost of intimacy is allowing ourselves and communicating what is actually happening inside, of expressing and identifying the old wounds and walking through healing with those on purpose in full submission to the authority of Christ and standing fully in the finished work of the cross and also standing fully in our identity as new creations. So let's go back to Genesis, right? Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed, so there was no hiding or covering or self-protection. There was no image management. I mean, there was just three of them. There was no pretending. But then sin entered the chat and immediately they hid. Um, and you know, it is interesting that I always note this that their first response to sin wasn't vulnerability, right? Like it wasn't confession and repentance, which is how we move to restoration of oneness and intimacy, right? It was hiding, it was covering, it was protecting and blaming, distancing. And we've been doing that ever since. The old self says to hide, tells us to protect ourselves, to control all of the things, to try to cover up. But the new self says, trust God, tell the truth, move toward connection and stay open. This is why Colossians tells us to put off the old self and be renewed, put on the new self. Because the old self is always trying to protect itself, but while the new self is learning to trust God, and that's really what vulnerability is. It's trust. It's not primarily trust in your spouse, but it's trust in God. Because if your trust is entirely in your spouse, vulnerability will always feel terrifying, right? Your spouse is also human, they're imperfect, they're gonna miss things, they're gonna misunderstand things, they're gonna respond imperfectly. But if your trust is ultimately in God, then you can tell the truth even when it feels risky. Um, I was also reading in First Corinthians day, it was in chapter three, and it's talking about um the immaturity of the Corinthians and um how they're just not ready for solid food yet, and how they're they were just caught up with who they were following, right? Whether it was Apollos or it was Paul or uh Peter or whatever. Like, but the problem was that they weren't recognizing that it's God who brings the growth. Um, and what they were doing is they were continuing to walk in the flesh, they were continuing to have one foot in the faith and one foot in the world, continuing to entertain the wisdom of the world that God considers folly. Okay, so this is an all-out, all in. Vulnerability is an all-out all in. Okay. It helps you to move toward connection even when it feels vulnerable, right? All in with God allows you to be all in with your spouse. So then you can reveal what is true even when there are no guarantees, because it's that trust that I have the Holy Spirit working in and through me, and my husband has that same spirit working in and through him. And this is what um, and this is what Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians in chapter three, where he said, you know, some water or some plant and some water, but it's God who brings the growth. Right? Like it's God. And then he continues to say that, you know, we're we're working together. We're his workmanship, right? We're of the same spirit. But again, it's God who brings the growth. And that's how we as wives have to look at our husbands. That it's not us who brings the growth, right? We can plant and we can water, but it's better for us to actually win our husbands to the faith without a word by our pure conduct. Ooh, how about that? Okay, because your safety is not rooted in the response, your safety is rooted in Christ. This is why my prayer over wives is always to be rooted and grounded in the love of Christ. Because when you are standing on the rock that is higher than you, it doesn't matter what waves or wind or earthquakes or fires come. You are solid on the rock. And I think that this is where many couples get stuck because they're waiting until they no longer feel fear. They're waiting until vulnerability feels comfortable, or they're waiting until there is no risk. But vulnerability never works that way. Courage is not the absence of fear, courage is moving forward despite it. Right? Think about going skydiving and jumping out of that plane. That first time you do it, it's terrifying. You're gonna jump in spite of the fear. But if you wait to jump when there's no fear there, you're you're always gonna stay in the plane. You probably won't even get in the plane, you'll stay on the ground. You'll probably never even sign up to go skydiving, right? Now, I am saying all this from someone who has not been skydiving before, but I have jumped out of things and I have repelled off things, and it is scary, right? And um, yeah, like it's that moving through the fear in spite of the fear. And so if we think back about the gas and the break we talked about before, part of you wants connection, that's the gas. Part of you wants protection, that's the break. And the goal isn't to shame the break. The break is often revealing where healing is still needed. The break is often showing you the place where God wants to heal. It's the place where old receipts are still louder than present truth, and I would say timeless truth. We're talking about God's truth. So instead of asking, why am I like this? Try asking instead, what am I protecting? What am I afraid might happen? What old receipt is showing up right now? And then ask, what does God say is true? Because healing often happens right there. Not when we shame ourselves or shame our spouses, not when we force ourselves or try to force our spouse, but when we bring what we're protecting into the light and allow God to renew it. Maybe vulnerability feels hard because you're trying to trust your spouse perfectly instead of fully trusting God. And that's the invitation. It's not perfection, it's trust, it's not certainty, it's trust, it's not guarantees, it's trust. Think about Abraham. He had to trust God and get what God said to him, because he took him into a land that he had not yet revealed to him, that he would reveal to him later. So Abraham had to leave everything and move his whole life, right? And this wasn't like today. This was literally everything that you owned was like animals and people, and like that was your inheritance and your legacy, and they had to take it all, right? Like they went to a land that he has not been shown yet. It's trust because intimacy grows where truth is told, and truth is usually revealed one vulnerable step at a time. I will see you on the next episode.