Masculine Side of Vulnerability

Learn how male vulnerability often shows up in unexpected ways—and how understanding the heart underneath your husband’s behavior can help rebuild intimacy, connection, and oneness.

What if your husband is more vulnerable than you think… you just don’t recognize it?

In this episode, Chelsey breaks down the masculine side of vulnerability and why many men reveal their hearts differently than women expect. From silence and sarcasm to frustration, joking, or withdrawal, you’ll learn how self-protection often masks deeper fears, longings, and needs for connection.

Because vulnerability in men doesn’t always look soft.

Sometimes it comes out sideways.

And if you can learn to hear the heart underneath the behavior, it can change the way you respond—and the intimacy you build.

Transcript

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Welcome back to the High Level Wise Podcast. I am Chelsea Holm, your hostess, and today we're continuing our series on vulnerability. And so we've already talked about in episode one what it actually is, and we talked about why it feels so hard in episode two. So if you haven't listened to those, go back and listen. Those are really good. And those are what we're building off of today. So today I want to dive into something that I think is really deeply misunderstood. And again, this is actually coming from a comment I had on one of my reels. And it was asking for what does it look like? Like, how can a husband practice vulnerability? And so today we're going to talk about the masculine side of vulnerability because many wives say, my husband just isn't vulnerable. And many husbands hear that and think, What are you talking about? I'm telling you things all the time. But the reality is that men and women often express vulnerability differently. Imagine that, right? Men and women expressing things differently and understanding things differently. And if we don't understand that, we can completely miss each other's hearts. So I'm going to say something now that might surprise you. Most men are vulnerable far more often than their wives realize. And the problem is that their vulnerability doesn't always look vulnerable. Sometimes it can look like frustration or silence, or more often than not, it looks like anger or sarcasm or joking or grabbing, or sometimes even just withdrawal. But underneath all of those behaviors is often something deeper. It's a feeling, it's a fear, a longing, a need. And if you remember what we talked about in the last episode, the opposite of intimacy isn't conflict, it's self-protection. And men self-protect too. They just often do it differently than women do. For example, one of the most common things I hear from husbands is, I don't feel desired. Now, if you listen carefully, that statement is vulnerability. That is a man exposing something tender, something risky, something he cares deeply about. But many husbands never actually say those words. Instead, they joke or they tease or they make comments or grab or hint. Why? It's because direct vulnerability feels risky. It is. Because if a husband says, I miss you, or I want to feel desired, or I feel rejected, right? And that vulnerability isn't received well, well, that hurts. So many men to learn to protect themselves just like we do as women. And it's not because they don't care, it's because they care deeply. And I think wives often miss this. I know I've missed this myself because if you're looking for vulnerability in the way that women express vulnerability, then you're gonna miss it. But masculine vulnerability frequently sounds different. It often sounds like I don't know if I'm doing a good job. I'm caring a lot right now. I feel like I can't win. I miss you. I don't know what to do. I need respect, I need support, I need connection. Those statements require courage. And here's where we need to be careful because men are often taught two lies. Lie number one is don't feel. Lie number two is don't reveal. Apparently, they are like Elsa. Don't feel, conceal, don't let it show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know. But neither of those are biblical. They might be Disney World, but they're not biblical. Jesus was vulnerable. He wept, he expressed sorrow and grief, expressed desire, and he revealed his heart. Strength and vulnerability are not enemies. That actually reminds me of a conversation I had. I took myself to Chili's one day while the kids were at school and I had an open calendar. Because I'll tell you, I really wanted those mozzarella rectangles, right? You know what I'm talking about with the long cheese pool and the Nashville hot. Yeah. Every now and then, yes, sir. Or yes, ma'am. Anyway, um, and the waiter, I don't know how we got started talking. It was a little slower for him. So, well, let's just say it was the Holy Spirit brought him over, drew him over to me. We were starting a conversation, he was sharing with me about relationships, and he actually asked me if women like men who are vulnerable. And so then, as I frequently do, I asked a question back. And I said, What do you think vulnerability means, or what does it look like? Um, and he said, you know, I think it means just sharing how you feel, and um, you know, that can be perceived as weak if your emotions are your authority, right? But but when you express your emotions, but they are in submission to the authority of God, that's a different story. The fact is, true strength often requires vulnerability. So think about the Garden of Gethsemane and Gethsemane, I Gethsemane. I can't say that today. All right, Jesus knew what was coming, and yet he revealed what was happening inside of him, and it wasn't weakness, it was strength. And I think many husbands need permission to understand that vulnerability is not weakness, it's actually courage. Vulnerability is not becoming emotional for the sake of being emotional, as I said, right? It's not that your emotions are your authority, but it's actually telling the truth, and that's all vulnerability is it's telling the truth about what's happening inside. And ladies, I want to challenge you here too, because sometimes your husband is being vulnerable and you don't recognize it because you're listening to their behavior instead of listening for the heart underneath it. So when a husband says, I don't feel respected, when a husband says, I feel like nothing I do is enough, or he says, I miss my wife, he's exposing something, he's revealing something. And that is an opportunity for connection, not defense, not correction, right? Not let's look at all the things that I've been doing for you that you're not accepting as connection. No, it's it's it's a time for connection. Now, does that mean every behavior is acceptable? Of course not. I think you guys have listened to me long enough to know that that is absolutely not. Self-protection is still self-protection. But if we can learn to see the fear underneath the behavior, we can begin moving toward understanding instead of simply reacting. Remember the gas and the break. The husband wants connection, which is a gas, but he's afraid of rejection, which is a break. And the behavior is often the break. The longing underneath is the gas. One of the greatest gifts a wife can give her husband is creating space where vulnerability is welcomed, not weaponized. Because if vulnerability gets punished, self-protection grows. But if vulnerability is welcomed, intimacy grows. And men need that just as much as women do. So here's my challenge this week. If you're a husband listening, ask yourself, what am I actually feeling beneath the frustration, the silence, the sarcasm, or the withdrawal? And if you're a wife listening, ask yourself, what might my husband be revealing that I'm missing? Because vulnerability isn't weakness, it's courage, it's truth. And it's one of the most powerful pathways to intimacy God ever designed. I will see you in the next episode.