Feminine Side of Vulnerability

Women often think they’re being vulnerable because they’re talking.

Explaining.
Processing.

Venting.
Sharing every detail.

But sometimes all those words are keeping the real heart hidden.

In this episode, Chelsey unpacks the feminine side of vulnerability and why so many wives communicate around the wound instead of revealing it. You’ll learn how self-protection can show up through over-explaining, how to identify what’s actually happening underneath the words, and why emotional intimacy grows when we stop hiding behind information and start telling the truth.

Because your husband doesn’t need more details.

He needs access to your heart.

Transcript

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Welcome back to the High Level Wife Podcast. I'm Chelsea Holm, your hostess, and we do marriage gagsway here. And we're back. We're continuing our series on vulnerability. I'm not going to give you a recap of all the episodes, but just to highlight episode one, we talked about what vulnerability actually is. Two, we talked about why vulnerability feels so hard. And then the last episode, episode three, we talked about the masculine side of vulnerability. And so today we're going to shift gears, we're going to flip the coin, and I want to talk directly to wives. Because I think many women believe they're being vulnerable when they're actually doing something else. And before you throw tomatoes at me, hear me out. Okay. I know because I was that wife. I thought I was vulnerable. I thought because I shared my thoughts, my opinions, my frustrations, my concerns, and my feelings that I was being vulnerable. But looking back, I realized much of what I called vulnerability was actually explanation or processing or venting or trying to get my husband to understand. And while none of those things are inherently wrong, they aren't always vulnerability. And so if you remembered what we learned in episode one, vulnerability is not sharing everything. Vulnerability is revealing what is true. And I think women can become masters at talking around what is true without actually saying it. Oh my gosh, think of the last time your husband asks you, where do you want to go to eat? Now, a high-level husband is going to say, Hey, I know this is your favorite place. I made reservations. We're leaving at this time. Next level, I already got your outfit laid out. Awesome. Right, okay. But maybe your husband isn't there yet. And so your husband asks you, where would you like to eat for dinner? And you say, Well, what do you would you like to eat for dinner, right? But you didn't actually say what you wanted, right? You didn't you talk, well, you don't answer the question. You're well, I could do sushi or I could do tax max. Okay, you're still not, you're still not answering the question, right? Like we're masters at talking around what is true without actually saying it. We're masters at talking around around what we actually want without actually asking for it. Okay. A wife spends 20 minutes explaining why she's frustrated. This is a perfect example. The schedule, kids, house, mental load, laundry, dishes, overwhelm. And the husband is listening, thinking, what do you actually need, right? Because husbands are fixture, fixers by nature. They they want to be able to solve the problem for us. Okay. Meanwhile, underneath all the words is one sentence she never said. I feel alone, or I feel overwhelmed, or I need help, or I need reassurance, or I miss you. Do you see the difference? One is information, the other is revelation, and revelation is vulnerability. I remember a season in my own marriage where I wanted more emotional connection. I wanted more intimacy. I wanted to feel close to my husband, and I was responding to his desire for more intimacy. All right. But if I'm honest, I wasn't actually telling him that. What I was doing was I was giving him more information. I was having conversations, talking through problems, explaining my thoughts, trying to process everything. Side note, I am an external verbal processor. My husband is an internal processor, right? There's a difference right there. And so what I was thinking was vulnerability to him was really just me externally processing things and expressing those to him. But he he couldn't find anything of substance of it, right? And eventually I realized after 20 years together, we didn't need more information. What we needed was more revelation because information informs, but revelation connects. And ladies, I think this is where many wives unintentionally miss their husbands. We tell them everything except what is actually happening in our hearts. We say I'm fine when we're hurt. Or we say it's okay when it's not. We say whatever when it matters deeply. Or we say nothing when there is clearly something bothering us. Why? Because vulnerability feels risky. Just like we talked about in the last episode, the feminine version of self-protection often isn't silence, it's hiding behind words. It's revealing everything around the wound while never exposing the wound itself. It's talking around the fear, around the loneliness, around the disappointment, around the need without ever actually naming it. And here's what I've learned. Most husbands are not nearly as confused as we think they are. They're often just trying to find the actual issue underneath all the details. They're asking, what is she really saying? What does she actually need? What is going on beneath all of this? Right? There have been so many times where my overreaction, it wasn't just to the overwhelm that was in front of us. It was to a lot of overwhelm over time that I wasn't asking for help with or managing well. And I was feeling like I was failing. And so my husband was only seeing what was right in front of him. And he he didn't, he was only seeing the tip of the iceberg, right? He wasn't seeing everything else that was happening underneath. Many wives don't know because they've never slowed down long enough to ask themselves, right, what's going on beneath all of this? Which brings us back to one of my favorite questions. What's happening inside of me? Not what's happening around me, what's happening inside of me? What is happening inside of me? Because that's where vulnerability lives. And maybe what's inside is I feel lonely, I feel rejected, I feel overwhelmed, I feel disconnected, I feel unseen, feel scared, feel insecure. I want to feel chosen. I want to feel desired. I want to feel close to you. Those statements require courage. Because now you're revealing something that matters, and that means there's risk. But intimacy always requires risk, not reckless risk, but relational risk, the risk of being known, the risk of revealing what's true. And ladies, I think this is one of the reasons emotional intimacy often feels difficult. We're talking a lot of words, but we're not revealing. We're sharing a lot of things, but we're not exposing. We're communicating, but we're not necessarily being vulnerable. The goal is not to say more, the goal is to reveal more. It's not more information, it's more truth. And this becomes especially important when we think about Genesis again, because before sin entered the world, Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed. They there was no hiding, no covering, right? No clothes, no protecting, no pretending. And then sin enters and then they immediately hide. And if we're honest, many of us still do the same thing. We hide behind all the things, whether it's busyness or control, independence or perfectionism, explanation, makeup, clothes, jobs, careers, titles, how many kids we have or don't have, or yada yada, yada, yada, yada, right? But God keeps inviting us back, back toward openness and honesty and vulnerability and being fully known. Because God's heart for us is for us to fully know Him as He fully knows us. That's perfect oneness with the Father and intimacy. That's what will be restored in heaven, where there is no more sin and shame and tears and sadness and fears and all of that. Right. And our marriage is a reflection of that intimacy. Because intimacy grows where truth is revealed. So here's my challenge for you this week. The next time you're tempted to explain for 10 minutes, pause and ask yourself what am I actually feeling? What do I actually need? What is true? Then tell your husband that. One sentence. No speech or explanation, just truth. Because vulnerability isn't saying more, it's revealing what matters most. And that is where connection begins. I'll see you in the next episode. But I do want to end with this. And I want to reiterate this. The feminine version of self protection often isn't silence, it's hiding behind words. Now I will see you on the next episode.