Join Kiara and Sydney in the third episode of the Eating Disorder Podcast Series, in partnership with Safe Communities Wellington County. This episode focuses on lived experiences with eating disorders and disordered eating, as well as accessing treatment and support.
Join Kiara and Sydney in the third episode of the Eating Disorder Podcast Series, in partnership with Safe Communities Wellington County. This episode focuses on lived experiences with eating disorders and disordered eating, as well as accessing treatment and support.
Kiara 0:09
Hello and welcome back to episode three of the Get With The Grove eating disorder podcast series in collaboration with safe communities. This series aims to spread awareness and break the stigma surrounding eating disorders in the Wellington County community. Just to give you a bit of an introduction safe communities, Wellington county promotes safe and healthy behaviours and protects people from hurt and harm. The Safe Communities Wellington County and its members committee work with representatives from local municipal County's, emergency services, public health, school boards, and other stakeholders who have made it their goal to maintain Wellington County as a designated safe community. All members strive to make our community the safest and healthiest place in which to live, work and thrive. In working with public health, they provided us with the data of why people land in the emergency room in the local Grove Hospital in Fergus, and one of the areas was intentional self harm. With that safe community working group is focused on mental wellness and specifically this year, they're looking at eating disorders, since there's so much data around the rise in people struggling with eating disorders, not only in our community, but generally speaking. We are not the experts, but we want to provide opportunities for conversations, awareness, raising and bringing resources to our community that otherwise wouldn't be there. It is exciting to team up with Safe Communities for this podcast series and to be part of these conversations. My name is Kiara, I'm a youth ambassador at the grove hubs Erin site, and I will be the host of today's episode. Today I have a very special guest with me, Sydney, would you like to introduce yourself?
Sydney 1:47
Hi, everyone. I'm sad. I'm going into my third year of university at the University of Victoria. I study sociology and Gender Studies. I'm and I'm here to talk about eating disorders.
Kiara 1:59
So what is it like to have an eating disorder?
Sydney 2:02
Um, I think that something that a lot of people don't know, who don't struggle with mental health is an eating disorder is going to affect every part of your life. So my story kind of starts quite a while ago when I was in my last year of high school. And like most, you know, teenagers, I'm figuring myself out. And one day it was just like, I'm going to cut back on my intake, and then all of a sudden, it kind of spirals into an eating disorder. And I think a lot of people don't realise like how much that affects your entire life. But it absolutely does your family, your friendships, your activities, every aspect of your life? For sure,
Kiara 2:44
yeah, I think it's definitely very important that you mentioned that it can kind of just start as cutting back because a lot of people don't recognise that it can be something very small that starts it off. So
Sydney 2:58
100% I um when I was going through treatments, something that I like read that I thought was really interesting was that like, genetics, loads, the gun and environment pulls the trigger. So I'm predisposed to have an eating disorder. It's my genetics. But I was a competitive dancer. That's an environment that breeds eating disorders. Absolutely. I was, you know, high, high achiever in school, I was super busy. All of those things are going to breed this perfection within you. And so I think that's a really good way of like understanding it.
Kiara 3:31
For sure, so when did you realise that you were struggling with an eating disorder? And when did you realise that you needed help?
Sydney 3:39
Um, actually, a really key moment, was one of my friends. Her dad, dads don't notice anything. dads like, you could come home with a new haircut. Your dad's like, is that a new shirt. But her dad one day was like Sydney looks really unwell. And she approached me with this and she was like, my dad noticed that you look really unwell. You don't look well, and I kind of I didn't see it. But I was like, Maybe I am unwell. Like, maybe I'm not doing as well as I think I am. And I went to my mom and I was like, I don't think I'm doing well. I think I'm not okay. And actually I do remember shortly after that being like, I should never have asked for help. I should have just stuck with this eating disorder. But 100% It was like somebody else having to tell me that I didn't look well. I have a picture of me from grade 12 trying on my prom dress. And I thought I looked totally fine. I looked super unwell. And not that eating disorders have a look at all but that was kind of like looking back now I'm like, Oh no, she definitely like that girl needed help. And if I she was one of my friends I would have been like, yeah, no, you need you need to get some help.
Kiara 4:49
Yeah, so looking back like in that moment. What was kind of your train of thought like the instant that your friend had told you about what her dad said like, was there anything like Did you even like automatically consider or was it kind of like a process of realising that, okay, maybe this is something that I should become more concerned about.
Sydney 5:09
I think like, it's, especially like with anorexia like it kind of took me a while, like, at first I was, you know, the healthy weight of a teenage girl. And then kind of months go on and you lose weight and you lose more weight. And then not only are you like, mentally unwell, your physical body starts to kind of reflect how you're feeling. But I was very much like, deny, deny, deny, I'm fine, everything's okay. Because when you're in it, that's what you want to be doing. You want to be in it. It's super addictive, that mentality of restricting, and you lose your love for things that you used to love. And now all you have is this eating disorder. And you've made your life so small, that why wouldn't you stick with that one thing, you know, all I was was the tiny, thin girl who was super obsessed with health and super obsessed with exercise and eating? Well, that's all you have. So I feel like I held on to that deeply.
Kiara 6:06
So in what ways does struggling with an eating disorder impact your life?
Sydney 6:13
Now lesser, so I'm about two years, two years out, like I haven't struggled probably for two years. And it comes and goes like, even this week, I, you know, tried on some clothes, and I was like, I look different than I did yesterday. I look different, I look bad. And I'm like, No, we don't do that anymore. But I always say like, it's something that never never goes away. When I was really struggling every aspect of my life. You know, like I was a menace to my family. I so very much wasn't myself. I said terrible things to my mom, like she was just trying to keep me alive. You know, I've ruined a lot of my friendships, and rebuilding that after, it's definitely a process. Like now, it impacts my life in such a small way. You know, every once in a while you like reach to have a chocolate and your brains, like don't eat that. And you're like, No, we don't, we don't think like that anymore. And definitely, like my gut thought now is not to like, immediately be like, don't eat. But every once in a while like that thought patterns always gonna pop up. And you just have to be better at thinking, No, that's not what we do anymore. We feed our bodies, we take care of our body, reset and try again and just be stronger than that voice.
Kiara 7:37
So I know you kind of mentioned it briefly before but has struggling with an eating disorder had an impact on your relationship like with your friends, your family, anything like that?
Sydney 7:50
Oh 100%. So when I was in treatment, I did like a CBT like type of treatment. And then we also and for a lot of eating disorders, you do FBT. So family behavioural therapy. And so I would go into my family, and just be an absolute menace for an hour. But absolutely, like, I didn't think that my mom especially my mom and I were ever going to get to a place where we were going to be okay again like that I she goes and she works all day. My mom worked super, super hard. And she comes home. And now her new job is to keep her daughter alive. When all I was doing was just pushing back and pushing back and pushing back. And that impacted my life. So vastly I called my mom a monster. I told her I didn't love her. And now I'm at a place where I can like come through the door and be like, Hey, Mommy want to go shopping like, and it's just I never imagined like rebuilding a relationship like that. But like, when I was going through treatment, I remember like, you know, this was after, my mom told me that something that the therapist said to her that was really stuck in her head was that like, that's not your daughter. There's this like really spiky backpack that's on the back of her. And when you try to approach you're gonna get hit with all these spikes. But when you take the backpack off, that your daughter, she's not the one who's saying all these things. That's an eating disorder and not that you have to separate those things entirely. I was still very much responsible for my behaviour. When I was going through eating disorder. I had a lot of apologies to give. Absolutely. But in order to move forward, it was super important for me to separate those things up. Like that's not who I am. I was not that I'm not someone who is unkind or mean or cruel. I was going through something really terrible. I said and did some very unkind things. But being responsible, being able to be like I'm really sorry. And moving past that I think was really, really important, especially with my family and like my mom like I owe her truly my life like I truly owe that woman everything because she kept me alive when all I wanted to do was resist and push back.
Kiara 10:04
So were eating disordered, sorry. Were eating disorders, and disordered eating something that was discussed by either your friends or your family throughout your life,
Sydney 10:16
I think for sure being like in a dance environment, like, a lot of my friends have very similar experiences in that, like, even if it's not explicitly talked about, you're looking at your body, and you're saying what's wrong, you're looking at your body, and you're saying, This is wrong, and this is wrong. And whether or not you're susceptible to eating disorders, that 100% affected me in a way that I didn't quite admit until like, now, I'm 20. And I'm older, and I kind of can look back and be like, Oh, maybe this is how it affected me. But I think like, especially as a young woman, you want to be perfect, you want the perfect grades. And like, at that point in my life, I was waking up at 6am. And I was going to school, and I was doing hours of dance and extracurriculars and getting the top grades and doing all of these perfect things. And along with that, I was like, Well, how else can I be super perfect, have the perfect body. And then you start to fall into this trap of like, if I'm going to have an eating disorder, I'm going to be the best at having an eating disorder. And so it was like, not only now do I have to be perfect at all these other things. I'm also going to be the best one at having anorexia, which looking back makes absolutely no sense. But at that time, that's kind of where my head was at. And I think like, especially being in a dance community, and in the competitive dance world, you see it constantly. Everyone is not eating. Everyone is bingeing and purging. Everyone looks unwell. So it's like, you're not even that special at that point. And so I think like, it was very easy for me for a long time to fly under the radar. And to like, not really have anyone notice they wouldn't notice if I didn't eat my dinner because no one was eating dinner. And I think like, that's incredibly problematic in itself that like
Kiara 12:14
For sure, yeah
Sydney 12:15
the fact that like dance culture breeds eating disorders, and that, like we were talking about it constantly, we were talking about eating less, or not eating or just eating certain things, or certain food groups. And like, you can only be resistant to that for so long. You know, somebody sells you the same message over and over and over. Eventually you're going to believe it. Unfortunately,
Kiara 12:36
Yeah. So would you say that social media has an impact on body image?
Sydney 12:44
Oh, good God. Yes. Um, I think like, for me, social media has been both great, and also the worst. And I don't think that's a unique experience for anyone. I think that it's not realistic to be like, Well, I'm just going to delete Instagram and Facebook and Tik Tok and Snapchat and never use any of those things again. It's 2022. That's not realistic, as much as I would love to just like cleanse myself of all of it. It's not realistic. I live in Victoria most of the time my family is here, they want to see pictures of me, they want to see what I'm up to. But I think the biggest thing was at that point in my life, I was following, A: a lot of food accounts because your body is so desperate for that serotonin and dopamine for food that I would like, look through recipes and like just obsessively look at food pictures. And I was also following a lot of women that I wanted to look like. And not even that my eating disorder stemmed from a place of vanity, it stemmed from a place of control. And I think like looping back to one of your first questions that like something you want people to know, but eating disorders is that it rarely stems from a place of vanity. Eating Disorders naturally morph themselves into that way. But rarely are younger young women going I want to be smaller, so I'm not going to eat, you actually can't programme your brain to do that. Like that's just not really how it works. You when you have an eating disorder, your neural pathways are actually rewired, like the chemistry inside your brain is different. Choosing one day to wake up and not eat is not how an eating disorder works. But when you're in it, it like you love the control. And then also your body's getting smaller. And we live in a society that praises small bodies. So now you're have a bunch of control, and you have a smaller body and everyone's saying Great job. Why would you not continue? And so I think that I'm on social media, and I'm looking through all of these posts, and there's all these girls in very small bodies, and I'm like, This is what I want to look like. This is who I want to look like and I'm scrolling through it and that just kind of reinforces the message that that's the right body to be in. It's good to be in the small body. And then as I was going through treatment, I was like, none of these accounts serve me, this is not, and not that there's anything wrong with being in a small body. But there's the whole idea of like your setpoint weight that some people are going to be 115 pounds, and some people are going to be 200. And both of those weights are healthy and that like, there's no healthy weight. And the idea that women are supposed to be 135 pounds, or whatever that magic number is. It's it's constructed, to sell you things and to make you believe that your body is wrong. So you buy weight loss products, and you buy makeup and you like. So I think that when I went through my social media, and I unfollowed all these people and started following accounts of people who looked like me, and people who had different bodies, and like, I would go on my phone, and you see when you start to see a different image, it absolutely reinforce the idea that like, my body is not wrong, the way that my body is, is the way that my body's gonna be. And that's kind of it. And I think like that was such a big change to like, see in the media, like things that look like me and people that look like me? Because like representation? Absolutely matters.
Kiara 16:13
Absolutely, yeah
Sydney 16:14
you know what I mean? I think like, especially growing up like in the early 2000s, when you see tabloid magazines being like, Britney Spears is fat. And you're like, I guess so I guess she's fat now.
Kiara 16:26
Yeah
Sydney 16:26
And like, just thinking about the ways that you use language and the ways that we've constructed beauty in our like capitalistic society and like, even like using fat as an insult. Fat is not an insult, it's not a bad thing to be fat, like, that's not at all. In fact, I'm so much healthier with more fat on my body. Like I, it's just so interesting how we construct these ideas of beauty, and like really diving deep, kind of post eating disorder and thinking about all of those things. It's such an act of resistance to just exist in a body that doesn't look like the mainstream body. Not that I'm not, I'm still very privileged to live in like an able bodied small body. But like beginning to deconstruct those ideas is so important.
Kiara 17:13
Absolutely, yeah. And I think it's like very important to be very conscious of the content that you're consuming, because it can definitely have an impact on the way that you feel about yourself the way that you view things, everything like that. So when did you realise that you needed to seek support? And how did you begin to seek this support?
Sydney 17:40
I mean, and this is where like, you start to see disparities in our healthcare system. I was super lucky that like, my family has incredible insurance. And we're well enough that we could pay for like private care. And part of it was through insurance. And part of it was just out of pocket. And so we went to see an FPT FBT therapist, and I started CBT. And I like kind of did like an outpatient type of thing. And then the pandemic happened. So I was recovering, like during March 2020. And for me, like, that's what kept me out of inpatient. Because when I was at school, I wasn't eating when I was at dance. I wasn't eating like I was smarter than these people or so I thought I wasn't they were very much onto me. Yeah. But at the time, I was like, I'm so smart, as smart as everyone. I had not. But I think like, that's what kept me out of inpatient, but I kind of went to my mom one day, and I was like, I really need help. And so she found me all these resources, and we started going, and then the pandemic happened. And then I was at home all the time, with my parents, so diligently trying to keep me alive. But I do think like having people supervise your meals, and like, every eating disorder is different. Not every eating disorder is anorexia, and not every eating disorder is, you know, like, I was lucky because I got taken seriously. I'm like a small white girl, I walk into an office and they're like, Oh, she has an eating disorder. Not how every eating disorder looks.
Kiara 19:13
Yeah.
Sydney 19:13
And I was so privileged and that like, you watch things like to the bone, that movie on Netflix about Lily Collins who doesn't eat or some ridiculousness of that type that like romanticises the whole thing. People took me very seriously. And so it was it was easier to get help. For which I am very fortunate but speaks to the system. But I have a friend who went through cm ha Canadian Mental Health Association. Yeah. And it took nine months to get and like it. I mean, like that is just such a disparity in care. I could get in almost right away to private care.
Kiara 19:55
Yeah.
Sydney 19:55
And she couldn't get in for months.
Kiara 19:58
Yeah.
Sydney 19:59
And especially when you're dealing with someone, something as deadly as an eating disorder, you don't have that time, a lot of the time. And I think that just absolutely breaks my heart. Like, I was so lucky with my care. And I was so lucky that I had access to good care. And that my parents, not everybody has a support system like I did. My parents were incredible. Like, I just, I looking back now, as someone who is like, well enough, I'm like, Well, I'm never having kids, because you could have me, and what a menace I was, to, like, cry and scream, and like, goes to show you like how powerful an eating disorder is that I would like cry over like a potato Latkes. And now I'm like, oh, bring on the potatoes like, but no, my friend waited months for care. And she was also just as unwell. And it's just like, shocking to think about that. Like, there's so many people, especially young women, who just don't have access to care at all. And it's just such a ticking time bomb an eating disorder. Because even if you're in a body, that's not underweight, you can still be very unwell and unhealthy. And the idea that unhealthy looks like having more fat on your body has been sold to us by corporations. And by, you know, the Elon Musk's of the world. And that, like, I know, some people who have eating disorders who are in larger bodies who are very unwell, you are hooked up to EKGs to make sure their heart doesn't give out. And it's just like, tick, tick, tick, tick. And time goes on. And people don't get treatment and they get sicker and sicker. And I think like, my journey into accessing treatment is not one that a lot of people share. I'm very lucky to have that access. But at the same time, it goes to show you like how there's such a huge disparity of care, like even in Canada.
Kiara 21:51
Yeah. What is something that has helped you the most through recovery and helped you to continue moving forward?
Sydney 21:59
I think like, just kind of repeating all the like silly little mantras that and like having people in my life who know about like an eating disorder and who I've kind of shared my story with, I think that like, I'm always willing to talk about having an eating disorder. I think there's so much shame around it. There's so many misconceptions. And so any opportunity I get where somebody asks, you know, what was it like, and how was your experience, I'm more than happy to share it. Because I am more than happy to get into the raw and vulnerable side, the fact that I was unkind, I was not a good person going through, like an eating disorder. And all I wanted was to maintain an eating disorder and was to be smaller. But I think like, knowing that, moving forward, I can I remind myself that like, you can't have a big life in a shrinking body, like you can't, when I was in my eating disorder, my whole life was having an eating disorder. But your body is not a look, your body is an experience. And so I think like remembering that when I had an eating disorder, I couldn't go on hikes. I couldn't walk up a hill, I was tired, I couldn't remember things. I was cold all the time. That's a very unpleasant experience. But now you know, 40 pounds heavier and much more mentally well, the experiences that I have, are joyful. I moved across the country, I have my own place, I have friends, I get to do all of these fun and crazy things and like get ice cream at midnight. And like, it's a different experience. And nobody cares what my body looks like. And I think I had a moment, kind of the moment where I was like, I'm choosing recovery for me, very much so at the beginning of my recovery, it was kind of chosen for me, I kind of was like I need help. And then I was like, back pedal back pedal. Nevermind, everything's fine actually don't want help. And I'm just gonna stay in the safety of this eating disorder. But the moment where I was like, no one can choose recovery for me, my parents can want it, my friends can want it. And I can gain the weight and I can do all the right things. But I have to be the one to choose that mentality was thinking about the fact that and the path that I was going down, I was going to die. The reality of it is the end of an eating disorder is dying. Doesn't matter what body you're in doesn't matter what eating disorder you have, if you let it run its course like it wants to, you will die. And I think I remember thinking, nobody's going to stand up at my funeral and say, she had a really nice thigh gap, or her waist was really small. They're gonna stand up and they're gonna say, I wish I had more time. I wish we had more time with her. And I think like, especially as I watched some of my friends go through similar things. I could think like, I'm not going to be at their funeral and think I'm so glad they had small arms. You're gonna say they were kind and funny and I wish we had more time with them. And I think remembering that this is just the vessel that carries me through life, it works pretty damn well. And I'm very thankful to have a body that can do all the things and considering what I put it through, it's still kicking. You know what I mean, you don't feed your body for a year and you watch it, bounce back and now carry you through life, like how absolutely incredible that is. And just remembering that, like, every body is good, every body is healthy. And you are an experience, you are not a size or a look, or any of those things. And anybody who thinks that that's true, needs to kind of reevaluate how you're looking at other people.
Kiara 25:42
Yeah, absolutely. Now, what is something that you wish people understood or knew about eating disorders,
Sydney 25:50
I think like mainly, that it's not rooted in vanity that it wasn't like I just want to be tiny, tiny, tiny, it was like, my life feels out of control, and big. And so many things are happening. And this is something I can control, I can control my intake, I can control my size. And then it just becomes ridiculously addicting. I read somewhere, I think it was like a NIDA fact that for somebody who has the neural pathways and neurons that are activated during eating disorder, 16 hours of restriction is enough to get you back on that cycle. And I even noticed that like within myself, I had mono earlier this year. Not a fun experience. But there was times when I wouldn't eat, not eating disorder related. I was just very unwell. And I noticed my brain going, Oh, we're doing we're starving again, are we like, this is what we're doing. So we're not going to eat and I was lucky enough to have people around me and my roommate, who was just a godsend during this entire experience kind of helped me be like, Oh, here's a smoothie, like, here's some food. But it's so true that like it is like a neurological experience that like your brain is like, oh, so we're doing this now. You're like, no, no, no, no, we're not. But um, it's part of your chemistry just as much as like, you think about like, if you had a broken leg, you'd be like, oh, you should go to the hospital, and you should get that healed. But you know, if you step the wrong way on the leg, even as it's healed, it'll still cause pain. Yeah. And I think like, it's the same thing with an eating disorder that even when it's healed, if you step the wrong way, you still remember what it felt like
Kiara 27:25
Yeah, I think that's very, like interesting way to describe it. What advice would you give to someone who is struggling with disordered eating or an eating disorder,
Sydney 27:36
It gets better. I have a friend who struggles with depression. And she gave me this analogy. And I think just a brilliant analogy that like she sees her depression is like this, like swimming pool. And when you're in a swimming pool, and you're at the bottom of the swimming pool, you can't really see through the water, you can see that there's light, but you have no idea what's at the top of the water, and you have no idea what is the light and who's up there. And then sometimes, you're out of the swimming pool, and you're way on the deck. And you can see the swimming pool in the distance. But you know that you can't swim. And so you stay away from it. And sometimes you have your feet dangling in the pool, and you're thinking maybe I should get into the swimming pool, you're always going to have a swimming pool. And learning how to deal with that is so important. I'm always going to be predisposed for an eating disorder. And I think that in recovery, something that funny enough really helped me was I thought, if I'm fully recovered, and I hate it, I'll just go back that's what I told myself. I said, if I get to a point where I'm fully recovered, and I hate it, I'll just have an eating disorder again. And what a silly thing to tell yourself when you're recovering. But now I'm recovered. I'm like, why would I ever go back. But I think like it's an important kind of thing to remember is that if you are about to start recovery, and you're not sure if it's the right choice, you can always go back to an eating disorder. You can always say, You know what, this isn't for me. But I promise you that I don't know one person who's recovered who thought no, I like the eating disorder better. Because nobody likes it better. But you just have to start and you have to do the scary things and it feels awful. It feels terrible and uncomfortable and like, physically in your body. It feels bad and like it goes against every instinct that you have. It truly feels like a full time job to recover. It is painful and uncomfortable and you're doing things that feel wrong and you know, like crying over a bowl of ice cream or crying over a chip like it feels ridiculous. But it just you have to remember that you have to start and it gets better. It doesn't feel like it'll ever get better and it feels like every day you're waking up and you're just doing this incredibly difficult work but it does get better. Because three years ago, I couldn't make myself breakfast. And this morning, I got up, and I fried an egg and I had some toast, and I made a smoothie. And I sat with my family. And I had breakfast, and I enjoyed it. And now I can share food with people I love and I can enjoy it. And I can have ice cream, when it's hot, and I can enjoy it. And I can get the drink at Starbucks, that sounds good with all of the calories and the whipped cream and I can enjoy it. And it gets so much better. And my life is so big now. And the connections I have with people are so important. And there's so much love in my life. And it's just, it's a bigger and fuller life. And when you're in an eating disorder, you don't see it, you don't see it getting better. The small life is all fills fills you all you need, you know this eating disorders, like it's you and me, you know, we can do anything. But when you get past it, you realise that there's a huge life just waiting for you. And I like regret so much that I spent like, you know, years of my youth in this small eating disorder, but like now, it's just like, there's so much life, it gets so much better. And from someone who's been through it like there's, there's no going back to that. Like there's just so many things to look forward to.
Kiara 31:20
So thank you so, so much, Sydney for joining us today and sharing your story. Do you have any final words that you would like to say?
Sydney 31:29
Um just keep pushing, it gets better. I think that like people struggling with an eating disorder. It's such a unique and painful experience. But you get through it, you wake up every day, choose recovery every day, choose doing the hard thing and there is just such a big and wonderful life for you.
Kiara 31:49
Thank you so much. We have discussed some heavy topics in this podcast episode. This is just a reminder that if you or someone you know are struggling with an eating disorder or disordered eating, you can seek support and resources from the National Eating Disorders information, center hotline at 1-866-633-4220. This is a toll free number. Additionally, you can seek support and resources at one of The Grove Youth Wellness Hubs in either Guelph, Erin Fergus or Palmerston, Ontario. For hours and more information visit www.thegrovehubs.ca