Join Christian, Sarina, and Zoey as they dive into the topic of rejection and how to transform it into personal growth. They discuss reframing the idea of rejection in our mindsets, using it as a source of motivation, and growing from the tough times.
Join Christian, Sarina, and Zoey as they dive into the topic of rejection and how to transform it into personal growth. They discuss reframing the idea of rejection in our mindsets, using it as a source of motivation, and growing from the tough times.
Hey everyone, welcome back to the Get With The Grove Podcast. I'm Sarina.
Zoey:I'm Zoey.
Christian:And I'm Christian.
Sarina:And in today's episode, we're going to be talking about rejection, and how we can reframe our mindset to view it
Christian:And I mean, to talk about rejection, I guess we have as redirection. to talk about, you know how it has many different forms. You know, like, there's a lot of things that come with rejection, it's not just necessarily like maybe, you know, you didn't get accepted into a college or your crush didn't have the same feelings that you would have thought like, it doesn't always have to be something huge like that. I think rejection is a big part of our lives. And in a lot of different situations, maybe you tell a joke that you don't get necessarily the reaction you thought you would. And that's kind of a feeling of rejection, I think a way to boil it down is it's kind of the opposite of acceptance. So the feelings of acceptance, you know, when like, you feel you feel happy, you feel like you belong, I feel like rejection is obviously the opposite. But I think we can take those feelings and we can do something different with them, instead of just sitting in them and feeling bad about ourselves.
Sarina:Yeah, I totally agree. I think once you break down kind of what rejection actually is feelings, so like, the shock, the anxiety, the frustration, it makes it a little bit easier to understand what you're going through and come out on the other side,
Christian:Because I think it's important to actually acknowledge those feelings, like just sweeping it under the rug isn't... That's not where you're where you're really gonna build from. You know what I mean, so?
Zoey:Yeah, like those feelings, I feel like you really have to feel them in order to get over them and move on.
Christian:For sure. In the short term, though, yeah, those those feelings, they can do a lot of things like they do sometimes lower our confidence or self worth, they make us rethink our relationships. But I don't think that's the approach that we should be taking. We can't not acknowledge that it exists. Again, like we were saying, but I mean, we can change how we sort of how we frame that in our heads, I think. So that's kind of what we want to focus on today, just reframing rejection into something positive, or instead of it being a roadblock, maybe it's a sign pointing us in a different direction, you know, so maybe if, for example, a college you wanted to get into doesn't accept you, maybe there is better opportunities for you at a different college that you wouldn't have even thought over wouldn't have considered unless that didn't happen. You know, it's not necessarily just a negative thing. Like there's a variety of types, like we were saying, like schools, like when your relationships with your friends, it can be on a smaller scale. So I wouldn't deny rejection, like that it exists, I would see what you can do with it.
Sarina:Yeah, and I think it's definitely easy enough to say like, oh, just reframe your mindset. But there really are actual steps that you can take, once you've kind of acknowledged the rejection to get there, even though it might not seem like the best option right away.
Christian:So how about we go into that a bit? Then like, what would you say are some of the strategies that you can take to cope with rejection?
Sarina:I think one of the biggest ones, once you've kind of acknowledged those feelings, is definitely finding a support system to lean on. Having a strong support system is definitely essential for dealing with the rejection, you do have to do a lot of the reframing of your mindset on your own. But, dealing with those feelings in the moment is definitely really tough. So I think if you have people to lean on, who can kind of help you through it and remind you that even though you might have been, like you said, rejected from a school or from a person, there are people in your life who see you as worthy and who choose you.
Zoey:So I think another great like coping skill would be to acknowledge the pain and like grieve the loss. Because I feel like once you feel like the negative feelings that come along with rejection can help you process it. So like journaling, exercising, being in nature, self care, stuff like that can also like really help you process those feelings. And then also, just remember not to blame yourself, it's not your fault. It's not, you know, it's not because you're not smart enough or you're unlovable or anything like that.
Christian:I think that's a good point to build on. I mean, we can't attach rejection to our self worth, because those things are very separate. Like you're saying, it doesn't mean you're unworthy or you weren't good enough, maybe, you know, there's some things that you can learn from it, and that you can improve on but it doesn't mean that your entire self worth is less because something didn't go exactly how you pictured it.
Sarina:I think like a reassuring thought to have also is that everyone experiences rejection. It might not be on a huge scale all the time. But even like day to day, like you said, you don't get a lot from a joke or something like that. Big and small scale, everybody experiences it. So it's a universal experience.
Christian:And I think that's why support systems, you know, when accessible are so important, too, because everybody does understand it. You know what I mean? Like, even if you know you don't think somebody gets it in some way they have experienced rejection as well. These are feelings that everybody does experience. They're consistent, they happen a lot. But the what we can control is not maybe the situation itself, but how our reaction is after. I mean, even some, I had written this down a few people, some of the like, most notable people we know for making change, they faced violent, harsh rejection, like people like MLK, like Nelson Mandela, like, they face harsh rejection, very immense rejection, but it's what they did after that, what, that's what we know them for. So I think to define yourself by rejection, you know, if they did the same thing, you know, we wouldn't have those changes, we wouldn't, there wouldn't be such notable figures. So I wouldn't draw the line there for ourselves either.
Sarina:And I think like using those examples, it is a good way to kind of help reframe that rejection a little bit, or a first step towards reframing it, and kind of realizing it might seem for the worse in the beginning, but at the end of the day, it can be important for our motivation and self improvement. Like you've mentioned in the examples.
Zoey:That's a good way to put it.
Christian:For sure, like, just in life in general, the low moments are kind of what makes us appreciate the best moments. I think another thing to mention with rejection, and If everything, if you're always successful, then success isn't something that a lot of people do get stuck in when they don't really going to mean the same thing to you. So I think it is important that sometimes, you know, maybe things don't go our way. But it's more important what we do with that. And, and that's, you know, what, what we're really trying to focus on here. I think we can kind of one anecdote, I like to think of, is like in relation to like a sports team, for example, which I guess it's kind of topical, with the Super Bowl, and everything just passing. It's not like, the Chiefs were always this, you know, this dynasty team that won all these championships, you know, every year teams, they lose, they go back to the drawing board, they take a different path they maybe wouldn't have thought of, get new players, you know, make those adjustments, and then they're able to achieve success at a different time. You know, it's not, our relationship with success isn't linear, is kind of, yeah, is it which is important to understand, I think. reframe it sort of is that it kind of manifests itself as fear that stops us from doing the things we want. Or it's like, just in those examples where I mentioned before, like, if those people let it, stop them, if they let it define them, then they wouldn't take the action that they wanted to. I mean, anyone listening, and I'm sure you guys as well, there's a million times where you can think of where you wanted to do something, maybe career related in your, in your schooling, maybe with somebody you were just interested to talk to, and you chose not to because you were just scared of what would happen or where that would lead. But I think it's important that we do take those chances, and we embrace fear or embrace rejection, because, you know, it's, it's again, like, like, we were saying, it's not inherently a negative thing. It's something that can help us improve, and it's good for our motivation and self improvement.
Zoey:I feel like rejection is also good in helping us grow as people and also in whatever we're pursuing, or whoever we're pursuing. Because if we get rejected in some way, and we just stop, because we're scared, we're just going to stay the same pace, the same ability level, if we're talking about like sports or something. Instead of growing and becoming better.
Sarina:Yeah, and I think like, definitely rejection and taking risks go hand in hand. Like, even personally, in my life, I've like, had a falling out with friends. Or maybe I've tried to become friends with someone and it didn't work out. And then later down the line, I've met people who I clicked with a lot better. And it's so like, when one opportunity closes, another one opens. And they go hand in hand for sure.
Christian:It's a classic saying, right, like when one door closes, another opens. So yeah, I mean, still, yeah, it's perfect. I mean, it's a good explanation for it. And, you know, again, like saying, all this is not to downplay the severity of how much rejection does affect us, like a lot of people do get stuck in that, like, if something doesn't go right for them. It's easy to take inaction, like it's easy to not take those risks and not do the things you want to do because you're because you're scared of rejection. And like, it's a very common problem, for a lot of people. So we're not trying to downplay that, like I've even seen in some research in my own time that there are studies that say, like, even beyond, like the emotional stuff, like there are regions of your brain that are even activated for physical pain that are also activated when you're rejected. Like it's, it's a very, it's a physical problem. It's a mental problem. It is something you feel very strongly, so I'm not saying, we're not saying, that all of a sudden, you know, you get rejected the next day, you're gonna be like, insane, you're gonna change everything in your life. No, but we can take small steps one at a time to reframe our thinking. And I think once you start to reframe your thinking, then from there, you can sort of, maybe you'll be more comfortable being rejected, you know, and taking those steps that otherwise you wouldn't.
Sarina:Yeah, I think once we become more comfortable with those emotions, as uncomfortable as they are, once we sort of realize where they stem from and why we're feeling like that, it does make it a little bit easier to kind of get out of a rut when we're stuck with rejection.
Christian:I also seen this this guy, I forget his name, but he runs this thing called rejection therapy. And he had a TED Talk where for like, 100 days, he was getting rejected, like, on purpose, about a bunch of things. Like, he'd go to like a burger joint. And he'd say, like, can you guys give me a burger refill, like knowing that you're not going to do that? But he did on purpose? Because again, like you were saying, it's a thing about comfortability, you can become more comfortable with with rejection. It's not it doesn't have to be like, this thing that that is, again, connected to your self worth, or how like for school, how smart you are, if you didn't work hard enough, or in a relationship that you're not attractive enough, or with friends, you're not interesting enough? Like, that's not? These are two very separate things. And I think that line is blurred, way too much. And way too often, for a lot of people.
Sarina:Definitely. Yeah, I mean, rejection is definitely a process of first understanding, and then kind of using that understanding to grow from the place that you are. And then of course, the cycle is going to repeat, because rejection is inevitable, it happens in all aspects of life. But just knowing that the next time maybe you're a little bit more prepared, or you feel a little bit more comfortable with those emotions is still growth, and still something to be proud of. Also with this type of time of year, I know that applying to different schools and programs is something that's really popular and people people are getting a lot of responses back. And that can also come with rejection. So I think that's definitely a topic we should talk about. Because it's so common and definitely for youth, that's something we experience.
Christian:Yeah, so I mean, we have a couple things, we want to discuss first strategies on how to deal with I mean, again, like, obviously, rejection isn't what we want. I mean, that's pretty self-explanatory. When we're applying for these schools, when we put this idea in our head that we have this thing like thing that's gonna go exactly how you want to. But I mean, the reality for a lot of situations, and a lot more than people even necessarily want to admit sometimes is if it doesn't work out like that, and you know, maybe you see people around you, and it seems like everything's worked out for them. But I'm sure they've experienced that in different ways, or maybe even the same way, and they're just not open about it. So, you know, it is genuinely a huge issue around this time. Again, actually, I feel like issue is the wrong word. But it definitely is prevalent. So some of the things we wanted to talk about,
Zoey:When it comes to applying to schools and getting ready for university or college, I feel like rejection is a big part of applying. Because you find so many different schools you might not get in. So I feel like a big thing is just not take it personally, and don't blame it on your intelligence level. Because maybe the program is just full, you know, like that was a big thing with my programs, they only let in a certain amount of people. So taking stuff personally, definitely. Try not to.
Christian:And I mean, yeah, like, especially for school, you have to realize, these programs are huge for so many people, there's so many things that go into all of this, like, it could be a reason that you didn't get accepted and someone else did it. A lot of the time, it has nothing to do with who you are your grades, it has nothing to do with that. So I think it's important, again, that we don't tie that kind of thing to our self worth.
Sarina:And I think being just aware of that from the get go. And just like keeping your mindset separating the two, right from when you apply is going to help with the whole process. And also for things like waitlist, like you said, everything is just chance. It depends on your place on the waitlist, it depends when you submitted your application, like a lot of the stuff really is just up to chance.
Christian:I know, so many people coming out of high school that like are geniuses like they're so smart. But you know, maybe things still didn't pan out for the way like the way they thought that it would when they were applying because, again, it wasn't about their intelligence or who they were is there's just so many other factors. So if they were to sit there and say, oh, it was I'm not smart enough, I didn't work hard enough. Then they were really downplaying themselves in a situation that was out of their control.
Zoey:Yeah, I'm with one of my friends as well. Like she was very intelligent coming out of high school. And she applied to one of her top schools and she didn't get in. So she decided to just take the year work, you know, like,I don't know the word.
Christian:And I'm sure even that though there's like a bunch of valuable lessons that came from that time, even, you know, like, maybe the plan was originally to go to school, but maybe working gave her extra funds that she can use, it gave her some extra professional skills that she wouldn't have had otherwise. So I mean, it still is valuable.
Zoey:Yeah. So after the year of her working and researching and educating herself She ended up reapplying after her gap year, and she ended up getting in.
Christian:So I mean, that's just another thing. It wasn't, it seems like a roadblock. But maybe it was just a sign in a different direction. And there are skills that she got from that. There are, that's a part of, you know, her life, her path. And it isn't maybe what she expected. But it also shouldn't bring down or self worth, it shouldn't mean more than it is, you know, so.
Sarina:I think also, like a big thing with that goes hand in hand with rejection is kind of comparing yourself to other people who maybe got a position you wanted, or their pathway looks a little bit different than yours, which
Christian:is like huge around, like schoo time. A lot of time, your client, even the same programs as some of your friends and stuff. So yeah.
Sarina:So I think just kind of acknowledging that not everybody's pathway looks the same, and not everybody's going to have the same process to get where they need to go, is a good mindset to have as well. So that if you do face that rejection, it's not gonna throw off your whole life course, you can just remember that, maybe there's another opportunity waiting for you.
Zoey:So, something that I learned in school that has really helped me and a lot of my friends with dealing with rejection, is called the circle of control. So what the circle of control is, is essentially three different circles in which you put different situations of your life into. So the first one is things that you can control and you can influence. The second one is things that you can't control, but you can influence. And the last one is things that are completely out of your control, something you have no influence on. So when I put my different situations that I experience into these different circles, it helps me realize that this is something I can't control. So it's not something I need to stress over and completely change the course of my life over. But if it's something that I can control and can influence, and that's something that I'm going to work towards, and better.
Christian:And it's important to make that distinction, right? Because there's a million things that like we were saying, with the school, like it's easy to blame yourself that you didn't work hard enough. But you know, sometimes those things are out of your control, what you can work to do, is do your best while you're in there. And that's it, you know, from there on, it's just how you react to that situation like your friend, she went to work, she was productive for that year, she reapplied and, you know, she made progress towards your goals. Her path maybe didn't look exactly how she like would have wanted it to or expected it too. But you know, she still made that progress. So it's important to make those distinctions for sure.
Sarina:And I think that that coping mechanism in general, like just having a visual way to sort down those thoughts can be really helpful. Because if you're just sitting there, or you're talking to someone, sometimes you can't get down every thought and just to see visually into groups what you can and can't control that makes it a little bit easier to kind of understand in your brain.
Christian:And that's kind of even like journaling in general, like how many psychotherapist, therapist, whatever recommend journaling and getting down to your thoughts. It's important to have that visualization. So actually, that's, I really liked that idea. Yeah.
Sarina:And I feel like personally, when I write down things, or when I'm journaling, I get I have a lot of like realizations, and I'm like, Oh, wow, I didn't even know I was thinking that until I wrote it down on a page. So definitely super helpful.
Zoey:And I feel like journaling is good to say like, if you don't want to talk about the specific situation that happened, you can talk about it, like on paper. So you're still getting it out, like an off your chest, but you're not having to tell other people about it.
Christian:Which is important. Because a lot of a lot of people maybe don't feel comfortable talking about that, even though we are saying to reframe it again, like it's not that easy to just, it does take time, and it does take a lot of thought. So to get that down on the page definitely gets that going like so I think that's definitely important. I've seen this podcast too, the guy on there was talking about like how, like this kind of off topic, but how writing is thinking to a degree like you know what I mean? So if you know how to write and you know how to think like, they go hand in hand. Yeah. So when you're writing down your thoughts, that is helping generate the way you think about it as well. And so it gives you more control over that. So if you do, if your goal is to reframe rejection into redirection, maybe writing that down and writing where you can go and how you feel about different things and different angles that you can take, it's important that it helps to structure it for sure.
Sarina:I feel like a good like way to do that also is maybe if you're journaling, to set up some prompts that kind of force you to reframe your mind a little bit like instead of saying like, how did you feel about this? You could say for example, how is this going to help me in my future and kind of by like you said, by writing it down, you can kind of change the way you're thinking a little bit. And I think also with journaling and anything where you're writing something down or visual to look back on it to like if you experience rejection and you write this journal entry about it and then you go on with your life and maybe you face rejection, again, looking back and kind of seeing how you felt and how you dealt with it can be super helpful in getting through it again.
Christian:So yeah, Just makes you more comfortable with it for sure. Yeah. It's like, the more you do something, it's not like you're gonna get worse at it, it's, it's pretty simple rule across everything, I think we change that for rejection because we are so scared of it. So in our heads, it's like, something you can't improve on because it's just, it goes hand in hand, like you think rejection is just negative feelings, and that's what it is. But, again, if we look to reframe that, and we do realize what we can control and how we can look at it, then, you know, it changes it changes a lot.
Sarina:And I think it's also really motivational to to like, look back and see how maybe upset you were over something, which are all valid emotions, of course, but like to look back and see how upset you were over something. And then to view yourself in the present to see that things worked out, maybe you took a different opportunity and ended up working out. It's just very motivating to see like, you can be in a bad place, but you can end up somewhere totally different.
Christian:I mean, if we're talking about school, and specific as well, just to kind of loop back there. I think, again, like it is important to just keep putting yourself out there. Like, if even if one college or one university doesn't necessarily give you the response you want, maybe another will and again, like that's it, it is different, it is a different path than what you maybe would have thought of. But it could be even better for you like that. Maybe that's where you meet somebody, some of your closest friends, that's where you learn from some some professors that really say something that changes your life that otherwise you might not have heard, you know, so it's it's a, it's definitely important to keep putting yourself out there. And like that goes with school, just like it would go with with romantic relationships. For example, I think, you know, maybe you don't get the result you want with some people. And like for a lot of people that makes that makes you not want to take that action again. But I mean, if you do want to find like that person, or you want to have those experiences, you have to put yourself out there and just sort of all facets of life, like relationships, work school, like everything.
Sarina:And I think like a step that may, like we've talked about a lot of positive things we can do to kind of make us feel a little bit better. reframe our mindset. But I think a step that maybe is not necessarily as comfortable is gaining perspective from the rejection. So if we're looking at it, like you said, in the context of school, maybe just taking a critical look at, was my GPA where it needed to be to get into this university or college? Did I have enough experience? Not necessarily looking at it as I didn't have enough, but just reflecting and using that to help you grow and help you maybe reapply for next time. It might not be the most comfortable process. But like we mentioned, it's important for growth, and definitely something that we need to consider
Christian:That kind of ties back to what I like to what we were saying at the beginning. I mean, rejection at the end of the day is a source of motivation. Yeah, I mean, a lot of the, again, stories you've heard from celebrities success, or, or even just people, you know, like it didn't come from them just instantly trying something and getting lucky. If it did, success wouldn't really mean anything, your improvement wouldn't really mean anything, right? Like the things that you that you work on for yourself, you know, it wouldn't have that same emphasis. So it is important that we do sometimes take a step back and gain perspective from it again, like
Sarina:I think you're right, like, just in general, like we not to tie our self worth to it, but just to see what we can improve on and what we can control. need to have those negative feelings to be able to appreciate the positive ones, and we need to know how to navigate and work through them all. So you're totally right. Well, success doesn't mean much unless you've had maybe the rejection, the growth, the experience to get there. So yeah,
Christian:I mean, simply like you just have to lose to win. Like, that's just that's just how it goes, I'd written down this quote from Michael Jordan, just because I thought it was pretty applicable. So he'd actually been rejected as a basketball player in high school, because at the time, he was too short, apparently didn't have the skills. And you know, even something like his height, like, that's something you can't control. So if he attributed that to his complete self-worth and given up on the sport, like, obviously, you know, we wouldn't have arguably the best basketball player of all time. So it's like, you know, so you can't do that. But he said, "I can accept failure, everyone fails at something, but I can't accept not trying". At the end of the day, even in basketball, and that's like, a frame of reference, I guess. You miss seven shots, you hit three. And you know, those are still important, like, even baseball players, like they'll they'll miss seven at bats. They'll hit three and you're in the All Star game like, you know what I mean? It's still, it's still important. Rarely I don't know any baseball player that's hitting every every at bat the're at and it's the same it's the same for life. Yeah,
Sarina:Even like applying for jobs, you don't just apply to one job and then if you get rejected at the end of the road, you apply to a bunch and you kind of see like, which one's gonna work the best you might be rejected from a few you might get accepted to a few. There was one quote I also found online that I thought was very applicable to the idea of rejection and kind of reframing our mindset and it was "the only Okay, so we just wanted to thank you guys for listening to the way out is through". Kind of just tying in on everything we talked about, just knowing that rejection is universal, and it's a part of our success and our growth, and the only way to get to that success is to go through the journey. podcast today. And if you have any ideas or feedback for us, you can reach us at our social media pages @thegrovehubs and if you ever need to use any of our drop in services, you can visit any of our sites in Guelph, Palmerston, Erin, Fergus, and we also just opened a new location in Guelph at Woolwich. And we just wanted to sign off with the reminder that rejection at the end of the day can be seen as a roadblock or a signpost that's heading us in new directions. And we just have to do our best to reframe it and embrace it when it comes.