Accident, Experiment, Or Relapse

If you go back out what can you expect, and just what did you do? Was it an accident, and experiment, or a full on relapse? 

Transcript

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Time again for Doc Jacques, your addiction lifeguard podcast. I am Dr. Jacques DeBruker, a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist. If you are suffering from addiction, misery, trauma, whatever it is, I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at Doc Jacques, your addiction lifeguard, the addiction recovery podcast. A client came in the other day and talked to me about an experiment. He said he wasn't done experimenting. That's a term that we use in the rooms all the time when somebody actually goes back out because they're not done drinking or doing drugs, meaning they were in the rooms and then they went back out because they weren't finished trying to see if they could handle using their drug of choice or maybe they really weren't an addict. So the terminology that we use is He went out and he wasn't done experimenting. And it's an interesting concept of going out and... using and reusing and finding out that, you know, way, I really, this, this thing really is stronger than I am. And I can't overcome this. Like I thought, or I'm not like everybody else. And I can pick up and have one drink or, you know, use just to have a little bit of, of weed. I got to have it all, or I got to have, you know, heroin is really heroin. Wow. It really is addictive. Um, and so the term, uh, experiment I was always I've always been intrigued by that because to me it was always like a somebody in a laboratory with a bunch of test tubes and a lab coat conducting experiments and that always kind of was what I thought of when I heard experiments and then when I was doing my studies in psychology experimenting meaning you go out and you conduct an experiment you ask questions of people you create scenarios for them or you present them with something and you say what do you feel about this or what is your experience with this and they give you information or whatever you know it's a soft science experiment instead of a hard science so instead of a lab coat you had like regular clothes but still experiment means you go out and you do something because you're trying to find an answer now in the scientific realm when you do research What you're supposed to do is have a hypothesis, and then you go out and find out what happens when you apply that idea to a situation. You don't go out and say, I think it is very hot when you go out in the sun, and then you go out in the sun in South Mexico. And you go, yep, the sun is very hot, but you didn't go to Canada in the sun. Where it's not hot. All you're doing then is faulty science. Because you're just finding a way to prove what your hypothesis was is to be true. That's bad science. Science actually is, I think it's hot when I go out in the sun. And then you go out in the sun in every possible location. Some true, yes it's hot, and others not. So it's a perception thing. Or... Maybe you just always went out and it was cloudy, so then you say it's not hot. So then you have what's called a null hypothesis, and it's actually not true. But you just try to see what the truth is, not supporting what you believe. So when you're experimenting with drugs and alcohol and you're working on recovery... You are actually, in fact, doing faulty science experimentation. Because what you're trying to do is you're trying to prove to yourself that you actually aren't an addict by using. So you can use like everybody else. Or, I guess more accurately, the experimentation of the bad stuff doesn't happen when I use like I thought it did. And you go out... And ultimately what you're going to find is bad stuff happens. So your, your experimentation is always going to be faulty and flawed and results in something that resembles reality and truth, which is addiction is going to kill you and you can't ever use again. So the clients will come in and they'll go, yeah, it was, I guess I went out for a few weeks and it's, you know, it's so predictable that they'll come in every week for months and Every week, once a week, and we sit and talk about stuff, and then they just disappear on me. Or they'll just call and say, hey, I've got to go to this thing, or I can't come in for a few weeks because I've got relatives coming or whatever. And then I don't hear from them for like a month. I know what they're doing. They're going out and experimenting. That's what they're doing. They're trying to prove to themselves that they are in fact not an addict by using. Then they ultimately will come back into my office, tail between their legs, embarrassed look on their face, defeated, crushed, and they found out that in actuality they are actually an addict and it got out of control because it always does. It spirals quickly. Then they're faced with... They failed... And when they went out and conducted this experiment, the result was they are an addict. I actually embrace the idea of them experimenting as something that can result in a positive outcome for them. And by that, I mean, I know it's inevitable that they're going to, and it's okay because it's part of the recovery process. And so I know that their experimentation is a necessary outcome. part of recovery. So I'm never really surprised. And as a clinician, I'm kind of shocked when I hear my colleagues go, I can't believe they did that. I'm like, well, I can believe they did that. It's pretty common. So going out and experimenting is part of it. But what is an experiment? Okay, so how do you differentiate an experiment from a relapse to an accident, and what do those three terms mean, and how are they related? Okay, so an experiment really is you thinking something specific about your usage. Like, I can handle this. I'm really not an addict. Like, I can be like everybody else. I can control this now. And that usually happens... probably after the first year because they've had enough time where they believe that that is the case, where they can go back to moderation. And in some ways, that would be an attempt at harm reduction, which, of course, that's a fallacy. To me, there's no such thing as harm reduction. It's just delaying the onset of late stage of addiction. so that's the second one so the first part of that is is the accident and that's when you weren't it wasn't premeditated it was just like something happened somebody came over they brought some jack daniels or maybe somebody said hey you want to take a bump on this line uh you know let's let's go um something it was spontaneous it was pretty quick it wasn't premeditated It's usually caused or triggered by some pretty bad stuff that happened that made you feel really bad. And this is your coping mechanism. And you did it, and it was one time or two times, and that was it. And so I term that an accident. That's not a relapse. I know those of you in the AA and NA rooms, you would say, no, no, that's a relapse. Any usage is a relapse. You got to start with a 24-hour chip or 24-hour fob. And so, okay, great. All right, that's fine. But for me, that's an accident and it doesn't count as a relapse because it was short-term, not premeditated, caught you off guard, and maybe you even reached out to somebody when you were doing it. And that does happen. I will get calls from people that are in the middle of usage during an accident or shortly after they've done it. By shortly, I mean like minutes or an hour. Sometimes the second time it happens, months later, they might call me during or before the they use. So those are necessary. I believe probably for recovery because you just, it's like, I didn't, I, I, my coping mechanisms, I didn't reach out to the person that I needed to. That was my coping mechanism. I didn't engage in the coping mechanisms. I just got caught off guard. So that is an accident. Number two is an experiment. That's where you premeditative Lee went out and used thinking that you could handle this. Um, Then the third one is a full-blown relapse, and that's where you just, like, you don't care. You just dipped into that bucket, and you just were like, it's on. And you might relapse for weeks, months, and it's pretty severe. So did you relapse? Yeah, yeah, you did. Yeah, because you were using for the last month or two. Did you have an accident? Yeah, I used once. I got a call, I got fired, and I just lost it, and I went out and I drank. Okay, how many times did you do it once? Okay, how long did you do it? It was just like Tuesday night. Okay, and the other one being an experiment, I thought I could handle this. For me, with my clients, it's usually related to something. If you're old enough to be actually working, then it's a business trip. That's the most common one. So if somebody is going on a business trip, Cabo, San Francisco, Las Vegas. Las Vegas is a guaranteed accident for sure, or an experiment. Rather, it's a guarantee you're going to experiment. I hate when people, I hate when my clients go to Las Vegas. It always results in the same outcome. They end up experimenting. than Miami, some convention, conference, something or another. The other one where there's an experiment is if you get stuck in a social situation that's not work-related. Let's say you're a student, a college student or something. Maybe you don't work, but you're out with friends and it's a party, it's a wedding, it's something. And you're seeing everybody else do it and you're just bummed out because you can't. So you're like, well, I'll bet I can do this. That's the premeditated part of it. Maybe you had time to think about it. think about it especially with weddings because weddings equal drinking and at least in this country there's a lot of drinking around weddings so maybe that was when it happened um so those experiments are the ones that are are something different than you just using in a relapse that's why i want to make sure i'm i'm emphasizing the fact that the the relapse is a relapse. An experiment is not a relapse. An experiment is a teaching moment. That is the time when you can learn, hey, this addiction is more powerful than I am. And it really is. And so it's like the attempt or the understanding of the experience, of the usage. And experientially, we learn so much from experience. It doesn't really matter what it is. I'll pick something simple. Welding. You want to learn how to weld? You've got to go get a welder or take a welding class. You've got to get that thing in your hand and try to make those two pieces of metal join together by melting metal between them. That is experience. You can't... Do it by just reading about it or talking about it or watching YouTube videos about it. That's how you kind of see how it's done. But until you actually get hands-on, you're not doing it. So for me, an experiment is just that. It's hands-on experience with the craziness that addiction has. And like I said, experiments usually begin to happen after the first year. Because you are so far into your recovery at that point, you think you're safe. It's a false sense of security that drives you to experiment. The idea that you are like everybody else. You're not like those other people that can't do it. You're like all these people you're around who can. And so that drives you into experimentation and trying to understand, can you actually... Get away with using this without any severe consequences. So when you're experimenting, you're learning through experience because that's what's necessary in order to do that. So finding ways to experiment is not my suggestion. Going out and purposely experimenting is not what I'm suggesting either. What I am suggesting is that when you do experiment, you see it as experimentation. You don't see it as abject failure. and relapse is more of what abject failure is about it's the idea that you are an addict and you have failed the only failure in addiction and recovery is not getting back up and attempting to do it again i was watching a tv show the remake of Magnum PI, and there was a scene in there where Magnum is talking to Higgins, and in the new version of it, Higgins is a female. Magnum is talking to her, and they're having an argument about a saying, fall down eight times, get up eight times. It's when you get up the eighth time that matters the most. And they're going back and forth about if you fall down eight times, you're going to get up seven times. This is the seventh time. It's the last time or nine times. So they're going back and forth about how many times you get up if you fall down. It's beside the point. It's not how many times you fall down. It really is about how many times you get back up. And so experimentation is not about falling down. It's about the idea of what happens when I use. What is my mindset? And walking somebody through the experimentation is the first thing I'm doing with them is trying to strip away their shame and and their self-abuse, self-flagellation, if you will, beating themselves up over the fact that they had this accident. It's helpful to get that out of the way so you can be a little bit more analytical about it and understand that when you have an accident, that's one thing. You didn't reach out for help. When you experimented, you were learning something. What did you learn? And inevitably... The person has learned that addiction is way, way stronger than they thought. And it didn't have a release. They weren't released from that addiction like they thought. It turns out that addiction is something that has a strong foothold in their life. And it's just waiting for the chance to get reintroduced to them. And so... Experimenting is when you think you have it, you think you got it under control, you think you're in charge, when in reality you haven't really let go of the addiction. You really haven't. It's waiting and waiting. It's like the old saying. If you think you're stronger than your addiction and it's left to you, well, understand it's probably out in the parking lot doing push-ups and sit-ups waiting for you to come back out. So experimentation is a way for us to pinpoint, understand, and experience our weaknesses and our flaws, which our arrogance wouldn't allow us to recognize when it was happening. So that's why it's important to allow ourselves to have some grace when it comes to experimentation. So... What happens when the person comes into my office? They sit down in the chair. They will sit for 10 minutes and talk about things that have no consequence, no importance. And then after about 10 or 15 minutes, they'll start to confess. And what they're confessing is their failure. That's how they first see it. It's a failure. And they'll describe it that way. So they're describing their failure. They're describing that they... They feel terrible. And then I will ask them, okay, well, tell me about what occurred. Tell me how it occurred. Tell me, you know, how did you get there? And they'll tell me about the circumstance and the situation. They'll tell me about their behavior. They'll tell me about, you know, the little details of, you know, where and when and who was there and why they did it and how they did it. After they've gotten done describing it all, I'm waiting for the look on their face to when they start talking to themselves in their head. After they've gone through the full description, there's generally a pause. And I don't say anything, but there's a pause. And I can see them being just absolutely disgusted with themselves and in disbelief that they did this. And I wait for that look on their face because when I see that, That's what I identify as the problem. It's funny. It's almost like when they wait to confess this to me in my office, but then when I don't react to it in a negative way, it's kind of confusing. I'm accepting of their story. I'm not judging. I'm not opinionated. I don't tell them that they... you know, they failed or whatever. And sometimes I even try to correct them in their language to move them away from the relapse word. And I'll say, well, you know, if they haven't already identified it as an experiment, I'll tell them that's what it was. And I go through the description of what an experiment is and its purpose and that kind of thing. And then I pause again, and they pause, and I can see them doing it again. I can see the look of... You know, they're shaking their heads. They're looking off in the distance. And I can hear, without hearing it, the words that they're saying in their head to themselves about how disgusted they are and upset they are that they went through this relapse. And again, that's the problem. They can't accept their own flaws. Like loving yourself, being compassionate and understanding yourself, And it's a shame because the reality is that, as I tell them, everybody does this. And they kind of look at me and there is usually a look of disbelief. But I say, you know, everybody does this. Everybody experiments. Everybody thinks that they have it when they don't. And I'm not kidding. I'm not saying that to make them feel better. Everybody does this. And it's through this experimentation that you understand where the remaining flaws and weaknesses are that you have. And then we start going through what they learned. Because that's really what an experiment is, right? Experience teaches you. And so what did you learn from this? And many times they'll go down the path of... the self-deprecating, self-loathing statements, and I cut that off pretty quick. And I say, no, you didn't learn that you're a piece of garbage. Come on, what did you really learn? And it goes towards, well, this addiction really is way more powerful than I thought. And I can't believe how much I slipped or fell so quickly. And as I've told many of my clients recently, There are two ways that this occurs. You either come out of the gate and you're like the Tasmanian devil and you're just, if it's alcohol, you're just guzzling down as much as you can as quickly as you can. Or you have one or two and then hours or a day later you have one or two more and then you're done. Here's what happens when it's a relapse. Same exact scenario. You're out of the gate, strong, full run, drink as much as you can, or you're gradually easing up to it. But by the time two or three weeks have gone by, if you're relapsing, you're still drinking, and now you're drinking a lot. Both of them are drinking a lot. One is a slow ramp, the other one is a quick one. But what did you learn from that? Well, addiction is more powerful than I am. So step one, you know, yeah, that's true. My life's out of control. When I drink or when I use drugs, it's out of control. Two, you're never going to be able to use again. That's a hard one for most people. You're never going to be able to use that drug or perhaps several drugs ever again in your lifetime. Because if you do, the disaster that ensues will take away everything or kill you. And At that moment, when I have that conversation with them, that's when I see the light bulb go off and they realize it. And it's probably the first time that they've fully accepted that idea, which they never did, even though I heard them recite that to me over and over again during the previous year. Now they're in year two and they're saying it, but they're saying it with honesty. I will never be able to use again. Wow. Yeah, I can't. And so that is a lesson. And the lesson of I'll never be able to use again, I'll never be able to do this thing, is a strong message. And I firmly believe that that can only be experienced when you have gone through experimentation. You can only accept that. You can only believe it when it is inevitably true. And that happens... when you have gone through the experience. So I think experimenting is a necessary evil in recovery and it will help you tremendously in your recovery. And so painful as it is, difficult as it is, it's necessary. So be peaceful with yourself and understand and talk about it when you go out and you experiment. And stop labeling it a relapse and stop, you know, if it's an accident, it's an accident. But Properly identified for what it is. An experiment. And the experiment allows you to learn. That's the only way you really can. Well, that was a quick episode here at Doc Schock, Your Addiction Lifeguard. I want to thank you for listening to this episode. And if you have suggestions or want to be on the show, please reach out to me. You can reach me through my website, wellspringmindbody.com. And if you like the show, please subscribe and give me a like and keep listening. And I hope that you have learned something in this episode and any of my other episodes. I got a lot of them. So take a listen. Go back through the library and uh work your way back to staying stable and sober because remember it's not worth ending your life just to save your addiction that's crazy go get the help you need and uh so i hope you do go get sober and until next time this is doc jock saying see ya