Getting There Because Of You

Is it really important to get clean and sober for someone else or because of someone else? I think it is better to do it because of someone. Find out why in this podcast episode.

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Transcript

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I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at DocShock, your addiction lifeguard, the addiction recovery podcast. to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for. It is intended for entertainment and informational purposes, but not considered help. If you actually need real help and you're in need of help, please seek that out. If you're in dire need of help, you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them. But don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help. It's not. It's just a podcast it's for entertainment and information only so let's keep it in that light all right have a good time learn something and then get the real help that you need from a professional Getting clean and sober is something that occurs when the time is right. So the time could be right because the judge is looking at you saying, you need to go to rehab or you're going to go to jail. The time could be right because your boss says you're fired. Or the time could be right because you find yourself in the hospital. Or it could be because your family has finally had enough and they're asking you to go or get out. And so you either need to go to rehab or you've got to do something, but you can't do this anymore. So the usual place that people find themselves in a position where they have to get clean and sober, not because they want to, and I've said that a million times in these podcasts, and I still hold that as an absolute truth, that people generally, they get in a position where they have to get there, not because they want to. Because who wants to give up their coping mechanism? I certainly didn't and nobody else does either. So they have to. They got to find a new one. But the idea of getting clean and sober is one where you are doing it. And in the process, a lot of times people get to the point where they're doing it and they're doing it for somebody else. That's what they keep thinking in their head. They're doing it because their husband, their wife, their boyfriend, their girlfriend, their mother, their father, their kids, somebody, you know, they're doing it for somebody else. And so I'll hear sometimes from people, you know, you shouldn't do it for somebody else. You should do it for yourself. You know, I got to take issue with that. If you're doing it for yourself, to me, it seems kind of like that becomes a self-serving thing. And then if you fail, you failed yourself. What I like to tell people to do is they need to do it because of somebody else, which is a completely different concept. If you're doing it for somebody else, that means that when you get there, you're not in it. You did it for somebody else. And then when you fail, if you fail and you go back out, you did it because you didn't do it for yourself. So what I like to emphasize with people is the concept of you're doing it because of somebody else. Now, if you have children, and this one comes up quite frequently, frankly, in my office, if you have children and they're under the age of 18, and you see and you realize the kind of damage you're doing to those kids, maybe if it's alcohol, you've seen it over the long term, maybe it's drugs, and so you're seeing the effect of that. And so the problem of, like, I'm going to do these things to get into recovery. I'm doing it for my kids, right? So that means you don't really have anything in it. There's no skin in the game for you as far as you getting it or losing it because you did it for somebody else. And if you did it for your wife or your husband, your boyfriend, girlfriend, everything rests on them. So, for example, if you're doing it for somebody else and they just reject you, you're going through that process. part where you're trying to you know make amends and you're trying to make peace with people and they just won't have it and and then you're left with like well i did it for you and now you're not accepting me and that can feel really empty to people and i can understand why because you did something for somebody and they completely rejected it and now you're left with what nothing because you didn't do it for you you know really now if you do it for you and the person is accepting of you and your recovery okay but if you're doing it for you and people reject you and you did it for you and then they reject you after you've done it now you're kind of left empty too right because like i did all these changes and i'm this great person now because i've gotten my life together and i'm a good healthy person and nobody cares Well, that kind of stinks. So, I'm doing it because of somebody else. So, like for example, let's say that you had children that are under the age of 12. And you're a drug addict or an alcoholic and you're just a big hot mess. And you look at your children and you realize that you're carrying on the tradition perhaps of your own family and your parents and kind of what happened with your family. So... then what you're doing is you're making a change. Maybe your parents were addicts, right? And so then you decided you were not going to do that to your children. So you look at your children and there you are repeating what you grew up with. And now you're thinking, I'm making a mess of this. Right. And I hear that in my office a lot. You know, people come in and they have kids and they know they're causing damage to them. They get very upset about it. They're crying. They're upset. And they and many times it's like, hey, man, this is what my dad was or this is what my mom was. And I'm just carrying on this tradition. This this is terrible. So they think I want to get I want to get. clean or sober for my kids and i hear that and it always kind of bothers me because it's not an equality it's not an equal thing you don't both have a piece of it so i like to interject the idea in that moment of the idea of how about if you do it because of your children right? You have a responsibility as a parent to parent your children. And so when you're parenting your children, what you're doing is you're causing your children to grow up in a life that you're modeling and creating for them. So you do it because of your children. So when I get older and they get older, I can say, well, I'm I'm here now, right? Because ultimately what's going to happen is those kids are going to come back to you and say, hey, man, you were a terrible father. You were a terrible mother. You were never there. So now they're coming at you with your stuff. You have to be able to receive that, and you have to be able to then give some answers to it. And the answer is, well, I got clean and sober because of you. I did it because of you. I love you. I care about you. I wanted to be with you. And yeah, I was a hot mess when you were younger and I can't change that. And I'm hoping that maybe someday you'll understand that I did this and I was trying to be there because of you. I did it because of you. I value you that much. And that is a different message than I'm doing it for me because I want to get my life together because it just... It seems to me that in the process of that, that when you're getting there because of somebody, you're showing your love for that person, that you care about that person. What you're doing is you're telling them, I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing it because of you and what our relationship means to me. And I hope that that will then translate into what our relationship hopefully is. means to you as well. So when we have these conversations about getting clean and sober, and I hear somebody say, I'm doing it, they say you need to do it for me. You know what? Listen, as an addict, people generally don't have a lot of self-esteem. And so I'm not really worth doing this. I'm doing it for me. I don't value myself. That's how I got in this mess in the first place. I was taught to not value myself. I mean, that was certainly my case. I was not taught by my family to care about myself. I was like many kids, I guess, of my generation, that seen and not heard, that was still being carried over into the 60s when I was born and the 50s when my sister was born. So we were just kind of ancillary things. Now, we weren't the center of the universe, and I'm not expecting that my parents would have treated me like I was the center of their universe. But hey, come on. Don't be checked out because you're an alcoholic, dad. Show up at some events. Mom, don't act so crazy. Actually provide something for me besides just an occasional hello or how you doing and then concern when I'm going sideways. That's not okay. That's not enough. So the idea of like... I'm doing something and I'm going to check back in and I'm going to get myself together because of you. You were the thing in my life that changed me, right? That's what you're saying to the person when you say, I'm doing this because of you. You were pivotal to me and I made that change because of it. When I'm making amends, when I'm trying to right the wrongs, I'm trying to lift the anger and the frustration and the resentment that I handed to somebody in my addict behavior and I go to them and I say hey man I want you to know I now know how wrong that was there's a gifting of that in the process of recovery to both the addict and the person who was wronged and being able to right the ship so to speak that you can't take back the events but you know you certainly can accept responsibility for it and hope that the person will let that anger go. But if, for example, you have a problem of there's a lot of damage and everybody has their own version of addiction, right? I mean, some of it's really catastrophic and some of it's not, but if you were just like a huge hot mess, you know, you're like way into addiction, you're way into the destruction, maybe you've overdosed multiple times, you've just acted violently or chaotically, or you just, you know, you got to the point where your drug usage got you to a level of psychosis, for example, you're going to have some serious problems with trying to make amends. And so I got clean and sober and And I'm left with a lot of damage. And I have some people that I've worked with over the years that they're literally picking up a few pieces they've got left. They burned a bridge, then they blew up the ashes, and then they scattered those ashes all over the place. And there's very little remaining. And so when you're approaching somebody like that, and you're trying to make amends, and you've blown up your world that badly, there may be some question as to, well, why now, right? You got to the point where you were so destructive that you blew up the family. You destroyed the friendship. You blew up your business. You ended up going to prison for however many years. You're left with very little, right? And so when you go to somebody and you're trying to say to them, hey, man, I've changed, and you really want to convey that message to them because, again, you're approaching them trying to relieve them of the anger they might feel or resentment or whatever that you gave them. So when they ask you, well, why now? Like, why would you do this now? Why didn't you do it 10 years ago? when things were really bad or 15 years ago, in some cases 20 years ago. Like why did you do it now? And it's because I didn't know any better and I was a mess, but I want you to know that I did this because of you. I see the suffering that you have and the amount of chaos that I've created And sometimes these people end up getting jettisoned from their families, right? So maybe they've been gone for 10 years. They just disappeared and they're living this horrible life. So when you go back and you approach that person and you're seeing them maybe for the first time in years, you can say, I did it because of you. Why didn't I do it before? Because I was insane. And this is the part, you know, the people that are addicts, I refer to them as addicts. The people who are not addicts, the people who are the loved ones of addicts or people who are just friends, people that never had addiction in their life, they're not an addict. I call them civilians. So when you're talking to a civilian and you're trying to explain insanity at a level that they have no comprehension of, they're not going to comprehend it. So explaining it in a way that makes sense to them perhaps won't happen. It's just a fact and it's unfortunate. I mean, I spend, I don't know, Probably of the 25 to 35 hours a week I see clients, I might be spending three or four or five of them every week trying to create an image and demonstrate for them verbally and explain to the civilians what insanity is. And it's a challenge, frankly, because they cannot understand. It's like, well, why would they do that? Why would they say that? Why did they go? I don't understand. You know, it's okay that you don't understand. You're never going to understand. But addicts, they, you know, they think differently. Okay, you know that. Because if you're one, you know that. And you can't explain it. So I did it for you. I can't explain why I didn't do it before. It's because I was crazy. But I'm now sane, right? It's the one time when somebody who's crazy can actually come back to sanity. It's like the flowers of Algernon. They get enough dopamine in their system and they can come back to reality. But for a short time, once they get off the drug that's making them clear and focused and not crazy... go back to crazy uh it's not like that um but it is right because they have the capability of you know by not taking your drug of choice you can become sane so the idea of i'm doing it for you is not i don't like that one let me just say that i just don't like that idea yes you're certainly going to benefit from it and so is everybody around you however The idea of I'm doing it because of you means I feel an incredible sense of responsibility for you, and that's why I'm doing this. It's because of you. Now, if you reject me in the process and you tell me you can't have me in your life and I can't be part of your life, so be it. Listen, we're adults, and that's a consequence, right? Actions have outcomes. And so maybe that's the outcome. It's not the outcome I wanted, but you know, in, in addiction, when you're, when you're working on recovery and you get there, the person may say, I can't be around you, but that doesn't mean that you can't receive them later on. So the idea that this is a problem and I'm, I, as a recovered addict, I'm going to spend my time continuing to work on that recovery and be a better person. And I'm here, I'm always here. So this is one of the things I do like is I like the idea of I'm doing it because of somebody and I'm doing it probably because of people I haven't met yet. And these are the healthy people because we have a lot of crazy people in our lives when we are addicts. Civilians do too, but we probably have more of them and the level of dysfunction is more extreme. So I'm doing it because of you. And even if you say you don't want to see me anymore, I'm still here. I'm still going to be here. I will accept you coming back to me. And when and if you do, I'm here. That's what you can keep in your head. Or maybe you can say that to the person that you're saying it to. You're trying to make amends to as an addict. But there are also people that addicts have been involved with who are problematic. And I'm not going to pretend like that doesn't exist. Of course it exists. So you've got an uncle, an aunt, a cousin, a sibling, a neighbor, somebody who's molested you or beaten you or terrorized you as a kid. Yeah, you're probably not going to want that person in your life again, even if you're blood related and there's nothing that says you have to. You can exclude them from your life. And I would assume that you're not getting sober for them. or clean for them. It's not because of them in a positive way. Perhaps, I guess, you could put it into the category of because of you, you created this in me, you abused me, and so because of you I'm getting clean and sober because I was trying to kill myself because of you. Now I'm not going to do that, but I'm not sure that's kind of what I'm implying here. So the idea of Why are you getting clean and sober? I'm getting clean and sober because of my children, because of my wife, because of my husband, because I am my siblings, right? So getting there is part of the journey, but the reasons why and the reasons contributing to it, and hopefully... The longer you're in your recovery, you get past that first two years, your long-term, right? Long-term recovery is five years or longer. You get to the point where you're in long-term recovery, you want to be able to hang on to that recovery. And there are times when things are going to happen. Somebody's going to die, and you're going to go to a funeral, and there they are. So the people you don't want to see. Or the people that don't want to see you. Because they're the ones that said, I can't have you in my life. There's the funeral or there's the wedding. Those are the two that are the ones that usually bring people back together that have been separated for some reason. And so there they are. And you have to face them. So I... I'm a big advocate of healing, but also of absolute boundaries. And so I'm doing this because of you and I will continue to do this because of you. I have had several clients over the years who have really strained relationships with loved ones, whether they were parents or siblings. And there's 10, 15, 20 years, maybe longer, between times when they are encountering each other. A lot can change in that time. And a lot can change that's positive. A lot can change that's negative as well. But I did this because of you, and now I haven't seen you for a long, long time. But it's because of you. And, you know, if you think about it, As a person who has caused a tremendous amount of destruction in your life as an addict and in the lives of other people, think about the gift that you're giving somebody when you approach your recovery with, I'm doing this because of you. Think about that gift. I thought enough of you, my son, my child, my husband, my wife, I thought enough of you that I was willing to to do the hardest thing you could possibly do, which is to not just get into recovery, but all that recovery entails, meaning I am going to the point of accepting responsibility for the damage that I've done. I'm accepting responsibility for the things that I've destroyed. Think about the gift that you're giving that person when you do that. It is just amazing how strong and powerful that is. One of my favorite things to do is to listen to people who have long-term recovery, who have these stories of horrific destruction. They went to prison. They were in and out of institutions, whether it was psych units, psychiatric hospitals, rehabs. They were homeless. They just lived these horrible lives. And they have shifted from being the addict to being the person in recovery. They have these amazing stories that if you go, you know, go onto YouTube and type in the search, TED Talks addiction or TED Talks drug addiction or alcoholism or alcohol recovery, substance use disorder, whatever. You're going to see, you know, a hundred videos pop up and people that are talking about not all of them, some of them are people who are not addicts in recovery, but a lot of them are people in recovery and the stories they tell of their lives and what they lost and then what they've regained or what they have gained since they got into recovery. And it is just so inspiring. And wouldn't it be wonderful if you were one of those stories? If you could be able, if you would have the ability to talk to a neighbor or for example, who has a child that is going sideways and became addicted to a drug or alcohol or whatever, and they don't know what to do. And you talk to them and you communicate the message of hope. Or if your kids or your spouse maybe suddenly becomes addicted after you've gotten into recovery. You can change other people's lives in a tremendous way. So what a gift that is to be able to live that way. So I'm not going to get clean and sober for you. I'm doing it because of you. I want to give you that gift because I took a lot of stuff away with my addiction and that time is over. Well, you know what? It's been a few weeks since I did a podcast, so I want to thank you for being patient while I got some thoughts together. But listen, if you need help, whether it's an intervention, you want some direction, some counseling, reach out to me. You can reach me through my website, wellspringmindbody.com, and I'd be happy to talk to you and see if I can get you some help. But if you are not able to do that, reach out locally to whoever can help you. and help you, whether it's a hospital, a doctor, a counselor, a specialist in addiction recovery is what you want to look for. But please get the help. It's not worth all the destruction that you can engage in just because you have an addiction. Get help. It's out there. And so until the next time we talk, this is Doc Jacques, your addiction lifeguard, saying see ya.