Where To Return As A Prodigal Child

Ever person working on recovery ultimately becomes a returning prodigal child. But what to do when you have no where to return to. 

Transcript

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It's time again for Doc Jock, your addiction lifeguard podcast. I am Dr. Jock DeBerker, a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist. If you are suffering from addiction, misery, trauma, whatever it is, I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at Doc Jock, your addiction lifeguard, the addiction recovery podcast. I wanted to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for. It is intended for entertainment and informational purposes but not considered help. If you actually need real help and you're in need of help, Please seek that out. If you're in dire need of help, you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them. But don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help. It's not. It's just a podcast. It's for entertainment and information only. So let's keep it in that light. All right. Have a good time. Learn something and then get the real help that you need from a professional. Everybody's heard the story of the prodigal son. I'm assuming you have. The son that went to his father and said that he wanted his inheritance so that he could go out and drink and sleep with prostitutes. And he did that and then came back to his father after he'd lost everything and told his father that he understood why he was what he was doing was wrong and that he had learned didn't expect his father to necessarily take him back or do anything for him but he just wanted to say i get it now and his father celebrated him upon his return and that's kind of a very condensed version of the story um but my my uh point of telling you that is not to explain the story of the prodigal son, but it's to explore the idea of what happens when you are a prodigal son and you have no place to return to. And there are many people who have that as a problem. And when the story is the prodigal son, but it could be the prodigal daughter too. It doesn't make any difference if you're a son or a daughter and you go out and begin a life of self-destruction but the idea is that you have some place to return to and what happens when you don't have a place to return to where do you go what happens and sometimes there are those of us who don't have fathers to return to because they've passed away or they've disappeared we don't know where they are or in other cases where they just flat out reject us and seem to not care or are disconnected in some way. And so the concept of the prodigal son returning and he has nowhere to return to, or perhaps he doesn't have a prodigal father to return to, but rather he has a prodigal mother, right? So the prodigal son returns to the prodigal mother. And it's interesting that the biblical story was centered around the idea of the prodigal father And, you know, the analogy there, it's the metaphor for the relationship you have with God, right? And so God the Father. And God is always being portrayed as the father figure. So that's the basis of the biblical part of that story is the prodigal father figure. as a replication of God, the relationship of you with God. But if you have a relationship with your parents and they reject you when you return, what do you do? Likewise, if you return and the prodigal parents are not available to you, they're missing, dead, or whatever, where do you go? So the place to go is always a question that comes up. And sometimes in my working with clients, it's a difficult question because the issues that a lot of people have is that the relationship they have with their parent is one that is not good. And so returning is returning to what? I have clients whose parents were abusive, and then when they return... The prodigal father doesn't act like a prodigal father. He acts like he did before. And it's not a loving, caring relationship. It's one of continuation of that abuse or neglect or whatever. And it's kind of frustrating for my clients who deal with that as I work with individuals that have these problematic relationships. You know, the idea of going out and becoming a prodigal son or prodigal daughter is one that's always a story of destruction. Loss, chaos, you know, drugs, alcohol will do that to you. And it's a difficult thing to return saying, you know, I've changed now. It's part of like in the step nine where you're going out and trying to make amends. Maybe you feel like as the person who is the prodigal son or daughter that you were doing things that were incredibly destructive and you feel guilty and ashamed of it and you don't want to return because you're so embarrassed or ashamed that you don't want to return back to, quote unquote, the scene of the crime, if you will. And it's sad because you never know what relationship of healing is like, because you don't hear it. I counsel people on both sides of that. And I myself has suffered both sides of that as well, being the prodigal son, as well as the prodigal father myself. And it's a difficult situation, especially for men, because I think the leadership qualities that we would love to be able to say that we have for all occasions, sometimes it's beyond us. And being a And not having had a reception that was a good reception upon return, it's challenging. Well, let's just say it that way. And if you're in that position where you have no relationship with your father or your mother, or you have a very difficult challenge, strained relationship with your father or your mother, it can be a real challenge to accept the fact that, you know, this relationship has been forever changed and damaged. And I certainly felt that as a parent. As a young man trying to make my return and it being rejected over and over again and being cast out, the damage that I did early in my life came back to become the understanding of what my parents believed of me. And returning was too late in the instance of my mother who had passed away unbeknownst to me. So there was no return there and then being rejected by my own father. And so the answer that we would find if you have faith and you believe in God is that, well, then when you return, you have a father. Now, I heard this recently from somebody who I was working with who said, you know, I don't have a father is what they said to their mother. And the answer that they got from their mother was, well, you have to pray because you have a father and you have to pray to that father. And it was interesting because the conversation was one that was based on the idea that the mother, who really wasn't being a very good mother through this person's life for her son, and the answer of well, you know, you have a father, you just have to pray to him, was very empty. And this is a person that I was talking to who walked in faith, right? So he believed in God. But it seemed to him that this was a kind of dismissal, if you will, of his feelings around not having a father. You know, you have a father. No, well, I don't. In the natural, here on earth, I don't. But the one of a relationship with a supernatural father, you know, God, while he had faith, was one that seemed empty. And it was fascinating to watch him kind of noodle this through, because at first I thought, well, you know what? That is the answer that we give people. You know, God loves you, and that is the father figure that you can lean on. But your relationship in the natural here is, on earth with your father, if it's strained and stressed and damaged or abusive, you have a bad relationship with a father figure. And like the individual I was working with, that was his case, and then his father died. And there was no ability to connect in a positive way to a father figure. So the mother saying, well, you do have a father, you just have to pray to him, was one that really, it kind of rang hollow because Praying to a father figure was not something that he was going to probably do and believe it because he hadn't worked through the issues that he had with his father in a therapeutic setting, right? And that's where we began the work was around the idea of how do we fix and restore myself and the feelings and reconcile my feelings and work through my feelings of resentment or contempt that I have for this man who was abusive and then died. So, you know, you do have a father. Of course, I believe that as a Christian. I believe that. But it's not one that you understand. So the message I would give to someone who said, I don't have a good relationship. And so I feel like in my redemption, my rising from the ashes as the phoenix did, is one that just is not going to include me being able to reconcile a relationship with a father figure. And that's kind of sad that that's where you're stuck because I don't know that people really can move past that once they get there. And so trying to figure out how do you reconcile that relationship. Well, you know, I have worked with individuals who have tried different things to resolve the issues that they have with their fathers. Sometimes they're successful. Sometimes they are not. And much like my story, when I tried to do that, it really just amounted to nothing. It got nowhere. And so I've been trying to figure out how to reconcile that relationship. But the relationship that that man, my father, had with, or has had, whichever, he's still alive, with his grandchildren... that he knows of and those that he's never met doesn't know about is not there. The relationship he had with his daughter was not there. And so it's not like my experience with him was a reflection of just me. But even with that, the evidence of that being clearly there, it did not change my viewpoint of a difficult relationship and an understanding of a father figure. It took something more than that. And the people that I work with who have that struggle, they need something more. than just an acceptance of the fact that they did not have that relationship with their father. It took much more than that. And the things that we're missing in that relationship are things that you can't get back. Some of us have father figures in our life, maybe an uncle or a grandparent. There might be a school teacher, a coach, next door neighbor, somebody who is very fatherly towards us. As a father myself, I, you know, with children, being a father for so long, it's like my instinct is to kind of move into that role. But the strained relationships that we have with our children, depending on what's going on with them, can make that difficult and problematic too. And I certainly have that in my life. So it's a challenge. So as I'm working with somebody who's trying to work through the issues, the thing that being a prodigal son means that you were destructive early in your life, right? Or maybe it was at the midpoint of your life, at some point in your life. Let's just say that. And so you had this destructive behavior, this destructive streak, and you engaged in these destructive ways, damaging things, opportunities, people, your future, your health, whatever it is. And you have redeemed yourself in that way. Like you've come out of that. You've moved into recovery, right? You're clean. You're sober. You're stable. You're consistent. And the signs of that are there. You're employed. You're going to college. You're going to school. You're finishing your high school diploma. You're working and you have responsibilities. Maybe you got into a relationship. Maybe you have children yourself. so there are indications and signs of this uh redemption this change and those of us who have been able to do that it's a gift right but to break the curse of the uh inability to transition to a fully to a prodigal son returning to the father to the family saying i understand i understand now what you were trying to teach me and you have a place to come back to We have to find that in other ways, and it may not be possible for your family to do that because they're not there or they're rejecting or whatever. So the relationships that we have in our lives, whether you're a prodigal son or a prodigal daughter... the value of establishing relationships in your life that can help you gain and get into that place where you feel like the connection to other people. These people are the ones that are important to you, and you invest in that relationship, the ones that are important to you. I certainly have that with my father-in-law. It's quite interesting. I'm not a small guy. I'm not a huge guy, but, you know, 6'2", 200 pounds. I'm a fairly sizable guy. And my father-in-law is bigger than me physically. And he's, you know, he's a father figure because he's a father, right? He's my wife's father. And it's funny, we're not significantly different in age because I got married later in life. But he has the ability to turn me into, instantaneously to turn me into like a 12, 13, 14 year old. When he places his hand on my shoulder and he asks me, how you doing boy? And I'm like, oh, you know, it's just, I instantly turn into a 13 year old and it's every time. And it's been going on for the last 18 years. He's been able to do that. And that's because I look at him and I see, I see the father that he is, right? I can feel that presence. That's the important part about a prodigal father is the presence of of that father presence exuding. It's radiating off of you. And there are people like that. Now, when I was younger, I had people that would do that for me. They would see me and men and women who were mothers and fathers would see me and they were age appropriate to be a mother or father. And they would try to They would try to reach me. They would try to help me. There were many people in my life that tried to do that. Unfortunately, because I was coming from the family I came from, much like many people that I try to help in my practice, my clients, they have a history of abandonment, abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, whatever. that has taught them to not trust that type of an authority figure. And it drives our behaviors. And with me, it certainly did. And I run into this all the time. I'm sure some of you out there who are listening feel the same way, that there was a father figure that tried to enter into your life and did try to help. And you perhaps absorbed some of it. They always left an impression on me. But ultimately, we tend to push them away because it's not my father it's not my mother and so that attitude of rejection and in particular with people who have addiction issues certainly do that trust is a big issue right so trying to take on these father figure roles that they did in my life, I learned from each one of them. And it was interesting because later in life, when I got into a different place and I was getting more stable, I unfortunately could not reach out to any of these people because they all passed, right? They're so old that I They're gone, most of them. And some of them, I have absolutely no way of finding them because I didn't maybe pay attention to even what their last name was. But it's funny. I remember each one of them vividly. Now, I hear this same kind of story from my clients who talk about these kinds of experiences. The men and women who walk in and they're in their 30s, 40s, 50s, sometimes 60s. There's always a story of at least one person who who was trying to be fatherly towards them and they tended to reject it. I have had that happen to me as I have tried to extend myself out to individuals in a fatherly type way who are not clients and I've had that rejected. I do not see that as a negative. I'm tending to soil to prepare it for growth. That's kind of how I see it. I'm not expecting to see the full growth cycle of the plant that is being, the seed that has planted. I'm not expecting to see the fruit being born from that growth. I don't necessarily expect that. And I know that when I'm saying something or doing something, I can see the reaction, but I can see the rejection too. That's fine. But I know the seed was planted. And that person carried that seed. And until it starts raining and the sun is shining down on it, warming the soil, which may take years before that happens, you're not going to necessarily see the results of it. And I think and I would hope that those individuals who have tried to extend that out to me have felt that same way. But on the other end of it, the individual who is receiving that, you know, being able to take that on as an individual who's living in chaos, living in that chaotic existence of destruction and coming out of it, um if you have people around you they could be friends they could be a spouse it could be your own children let them rejoice in that change right so taking it on much like when the prodigal son returns to his family and he sees his father the words from his father are with arms open i've been waiting for you welcome i'm glad you're back even though you've been out to being destructive. You know, if your wife, if you're going to rehab, for example, and you're the prodigal son to your wife, you know, and you come back and you say, you know, I've gone to rehab, I've worked on this. You must be able to receive the gifting that that recovery gives you. Right. So you have to embrace that person when they say, I'm proud of you or I'm glad that you did this. I'm glad you're back. I'm glad that I have the different, better version of you that I wanted. Some people. They experience a loss, and it's catastrophic in that loss. They lost their spouse. They lost their parents. They lost siblings. They've been cut off. Maybe it's irreparable. You can't repair it. It's okay. And as we say, when we're extending forgiveness and we're receiving it, you must forgive. Scripturally, we are mandated to forgive. Right? But there's nothing that says that you have to reconcile... with a person, you know, if possible, yes. But it's not a commandment. It's not mandatory. Maybe that damage is just so much that you wish them well and you forgive them and you let that anger go, but you can't have that relationship. Maybe there are people like that in your life, and that's okay. But the prodigal needs to have some people that will rejoice in their salvation and their redemption. And so finding that way to rejoice in that is a challenge, but not impossible but you as as a prodigal son or daughter you must know how to receive it and many people have that challenge they don't know how to receive it your ability to forgive self in these destructive ways is just as important as the other person being able to forgive you and so as a prodigal when you return it's important the message is as follows i want you to know i have learned that this destruction I engaged in was wrong. I want you to know I've learned. You know, you may not accept me into your life again, but I think it's important that you understand I learned. And many times that message is hard to give. It's hard to say it. It's just, it's very difficult to say it. But when you do, the result that you get many times unexpectedly is an unconditional acceptance, right? It's I was waiting for this. That's what you would hear from that sometimes. Not every time, but many times. It's like, I've been waiting for this. You know, we all love an underdog, right? We all, the person that's just really, there's so many movies about the underdog, the person that was down and out and they struggled and they overcame. I'm reminded of the Hillbilly Elegy movie. the J.D. Vance thing. I mean, that's what that was, like mom and grandma and J.D. Vance. It's a story of redemption and the sad and tragic, horrible story that can ensue with all the damage. So being able to have that happen, but as a prodigal, being able to receive it is really what it's all about. So whether you have a distant and challenging experience with a father figure or a mother figure and you had to move away from that just you know I have in both my mother and father just tragic horrible treatment and both my sister and I but then being able to come out and kind of rebound from that but it does affect you and where is damage is caused by it and our own destruction but when you return and you say I understand now like I'm a changed man or a changed woman that's an important part And hopefully you'll be able to find the strength to be able to do that and to say that and to live that existence as a prodigal son or a prodigal daughter. And if you have no family to come back to, believe me, there are people in your life who are waiting for the prodigal to return. It may not be your parents. It may be somebody else. But there is always somebody who will be there and say, wow, it's amazing how much you've overcome. I'm astounded. I'm proud of you. um you will always have that after you've kind of done that con that thing of returning as a prodigal then maybe you can work on your relationship if you have faith with your relationship with god and you can become accepting of that and knowing that the father figure the challenge of the father figure can be overcome as well and finding that love and acceptance Because anytime anybody gets into recovery is a good time. And it's something to be proud of and to have as a sign of honor. Well, that was a quick episode for me. I hope you've enjoyed this episode of Doc Shock, Your Addiction Lifeguard. I certainly have enjoyed having the time to be able to talk to you about these things. If you have suggestions or you want to be on the show and you want to tell your story, please reach out to me. I'd love to hear your story. And remember, if you are struggling with addiction, please go get help. It's not worth ending your life to save your addiction. That's crazy. It's not how many times you fall down. It's how many times you get back up. And you get back up one more time, and it's life. You're going to be living. So please go out and get help. And until the next episode, this is Dr. Jacques DeBruker, Doc Jacques, saying thanks for listening, and I'll catch you next time. See you.