Change Your Perspective, Change Your Addiction

Something as simple as working on your perspective can alter your recovery that maybe has stalled out or you are struggling to start. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

It's time again for Doc Jock, your addiction lifeguard podcast. I am Dr. Jock DeBerker, a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist. If you are suffering from addiction, misery, trauma, whatever it is, I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at Doc Jock, your addiction lifeguard, the addiction recovery podcast. I wanted to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for. It is intended for entertainment and informational purposes but not considered help. If you actually need real help and you're in need of help, Please seek that out. If you're in dire need of help, you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them. But don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help. It's not. It's just a podcast. It's for entertainment and information only. So let's keep it in that light. All right. Have a good time. Learn something and then get the real help that you need from a professional.

UNKNOWN: 1:19

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00: 1:47

Hey, I know it's been a few weeks since we got together in these little podcasts here, and I apologize for that length of time that it's been, but I would like to say that many things have happened in the time that I've been working on some stuff, and I hope you have too. But one of the things that I wanted to, that has been coming up again and again with... the work that I've been doing in my practice is the idea of perspective. And it's interesting how perspective can change things. Some of my clients have struggled with various things, depression, anxiety, in addition to the general issues that they have with addiction. And it's interesting how somebody's perspective on what's going on with their addiction can change the way that they feel about what they're doing in their lives and the work towards recovery or the perception of recovery or how they're encountering recovery and its perspective. And so there's a story that I tell people, uh, when I'm talking about perspective and, you know, in I spent years as a lifeguard and a swimming instructor and around kids and teaching kids lessons. And, you know, when you're a kid and you're young and you're coming to the pool, a pool seems huge to you. You know, we see it as adults and we think, oh, it's a pool. Even if it's an Olympic sized pool, we think, oh, yeah, it's a big pool to them. It's an ocean. It might as well be an ocean. It was for me when I was a kid. I was scared to death of water when I was a kid because I had an occurrence when I was probably about, I don't know, five years old. years old four years old five years old where some kids were bullying me in a pool and they were splashing water in my face and it scared me and so I was a late late when it comes to learning how to swim and I remember my mom would take me to the YMCA in in I think it was in Portland, Oregon, when my mom first tried to do this. They would take me in there, and I wouldn't come out of the locker room. I was just screaming and crying, and I didn't want to come out. My mom, of course, could not go into the men's locker room. So invariably, it would be time for the lesson to start, and my mom would have to send somebody into the locker room to get me. And I just was fighting them. I wouldn't go out to the pool. I just wouldn't do it. I was hysterical. Because it was, you know, it's crazy place when you're scared to death as a kid. And that went on until I was probably, I think, in fourth grade. So I was like nine because I was I was my birthday is late in the year. So I was always younger than everybody in school in my class. So I was in fourth grade. I remember fourth or fifth grade. And my mom, after multiple attempts at trying to get me to learn how to swim through typical swimming lessons, finally got me hooked up with a private lesson with a lifeguard who was wonderful girl. It was in California at that point. And, um, my mom would take me to her house and I'd learn, uh, she'd teach me swimming lessons and I finally learned how to swim. And so I always had this appreciation for, um, children who are learning how to swim, who were scared of the water. And so I like to take those kids on the ones who would just were screaming and yelling, scared to death. And because I would just exercise so much, you know, patience because I knew what that felt like as a as a kid who didn't know how to swim. And I turned out that I loved the water. But which is why I became a lifeguard. But in any case, so the story I tell. And I told you that story to give you some background on me. But the story I tell is when I would take these kids who did not know how to swim and they're scared to death of the water. And I would teach them how to swim, going through the progression of like blowing bubbles and then putting their head on the water. And then finally being able to swim and, you know, the different strokes. And we'd get to the point where they could swim in the pool across the width of the pool, not the length, but the width. And it was in water that was over their head. So, you know, I could stand in the water. So it was, you know, five feet. But for them, they were, you know, they're too young. to, uh, to stand in the water too short. And so they're, they're able to swim in the water in, uh, water that's deeper than they could stand and have their head out of the water, but they were successful at it. And they felt very comfortable towards the end. And that usually these, these lessons were in two week blocks. So I would get the same kids, um, So I would teach them, you know, level one and level three, the old Red Cross method, and level four, swimming, whatever. And we'd progress that way. So once you get to a point within the lessons, you have to move from just the swimming part to diving. And that was one of the skills that I would teach. And these are kids who they... And remember, they did not really feel comfortable in the water when I got them. So... I teach them how to dive and we would start on the side of the pool and I'd have them jump in feet first because I wanted to make sure they could feel comfortable jumping into water and knowing that they could do it and come up to the top and they weren't going to drown. You know, that's their fear. So we'd start with jumping in feet first and then eventually you get to where we're sitting on the side and you're putting your hands over your head with your... I'm doing it as I'm saying this as if you could see it, but putting your hands together and then you put your head between your arms and And you learn to, I'm trying to teach them to convert from feet first to hands first and head first, which is a very unnatural thing for a child to do is to go in head first. You know, they always want to go feet first. So we're moving that way and then you get to where you're putting your knee on the side and you got one foot, you know, you're like you're kneeling on one knee and you're doing the hand thing with your head between your arms. And we, you know, move that way and then I'd start tipping them in so they get used to going in head first. So we eventually get to where they're not doing feet first or feet and hands first, but Hands first. Into the water. So they're doing like a... If you're doing like a handstand. And they're doing it from the side of the pool. And they get to a point where they're comfortable with that. And it would take, you know, sometimes multiple days to get there. So they eventually get there. And then the fateful day comes when they have to jump off the diving board. And it's the low dive. So it's about, I don't know, three feet off the water. And... They would... be able to comfortably swim the width of the pool they could swim to the ladder and get out and they could be in the deep end to 12 or 15 feet deep water and they were fine with that but getting on the board suddenly they just would be filled with fear and panic again and it was at a level that was disproportionate to what they had experienced when I was teaching them how to jump off the side of the pool. It didn't make much sense because they were successful at that, but yet they're terrified with trying to jump off the diving board. And it took me a while, but I figured out what's happened is they've stood on the diving board and they're looking straight down. And what they see is the drain at the bottom of the deep end because that's where the drain always is. It's the deepest part of the pool. So they're looking down And what they're seeing is the bottom of the pool. And that's an unusual position for them to be in because normally when they're standing on the side, they're not seeing the bottom of the pool because what are they doing? They're only standing a few feet off the deck of the side of the pool. So what they're seeing is the motion of the water and they're seeing the water, the light reflecting off the water. They're seeing the surface of the pool. They're not seeing the bottom of the pool. They're seeing the surface of the water. And so when they get up on the diving board, they're not seeing that anymore. All they're seeing is the bottom of the pool. And that's terrifying because they're seeing it 15 feet down. And they also know that's the deep end. And that's where the big kids go when they dive off the diving board. And they go way down under the water. So their perspective is one that is now distorted because they think, even though they have proven they can swim, that they're going to just... go to the bottom and drown. So what I would do is I would start splashing where they're going to jump into the water. Sometimes I would take a hose and I would thumb the end of the hose and spray water onto the surface of the water. So now what they're seeing is the surface of the water, which is only three feet. And it changes their perspective. And now they jump in and I would have them jump in feet first, you know, for the first few times they jump off the board. And then they would try the hands thing and it would be difficult for them. And sometimes you'd have to assist them off the board, um, as they're learning to, uh, you know, do the headfirst part of the dive. And eventually they get to where they can do it and they've overcome their fear, but they really, it's because of a change of perspective, the perspective of what the water is and where they're going to hit the water. Once they've changed their perspective, they now can do the dive. And again, And it's interesting because then after that, because I was also lifeguarding at that same pool, you couldn't get them to not jump off the board after that because now there's this freedom. of this exhilarating experience of jumping off the board, which is what the big kids can do. And man, I can do that. And it's all based on a change of perspective. It's not a skill that's changed. They could swim. They could go to the surface. They can swim to the side. They can get out of the ladder. But the look on their face the first time they jump off the board and realize that they only went about three feet and that's it. And they hit the water. They're so surprised. And sometimes they get up on the surface of the water and I'm in the water with them, but I'm not touching them. I need them to prove to themselves they can do it. And the look on their face of terror and joy at the same time, the first one or two times they've done it. is just really something to see and these kids who when they came to me could not swim at all and then later on they actually can and they've proven that they can and they're enjoying it is just the greatest thing ever you know you've unlocked you've unlocked an ability in that child to do something that they thought they could never do and they were afraid of and I remember what that felt like and the day that I could show my mom when I jumped off the diving board I'm like look at this and my mom was both excited and happy and and angry at the same time because i'd spent so many years not wanting to get anywhere near a pool or water and it was just a holy terror when it came to that and then now i'm diving off the diving board and i was so excited to be able to show her that um that i could finally do it and i wasn't afraid of the water anymore and when you when you overcome your fears and you're able to do things that are so challenging and difficult to you that you think perhaps you can't do. You've moved them into the realm of impossible. That's your perspective, right? So you have the perspective of, I can't do this. There's no way I can do this. And then you've proven that you actually can. It's a wonderful thing. And so how I relate that to addiction is I, you know, people are addicts because they're coping. And they're coping with things that they feel they can't handle. Their perspective is, I'm broken or I'm unable to cope with this. There's no way for me to cope with this any other way than to just get out of my mind using so much weed that I'm almost psychotic. The normal high of oxy or heroin doesn't do it. So I'm going to move to fentanyl because it's quicker and it's better and it's stronger. alcohol you know you go from drinking wine and beer to where you're guzzling vodka because that's what alcoholics drink and it's just quicker and it's more it's more of a sedative because you can't handle things and you know it's kind of like it's the surface of the water you can't see that there's a possibility of change so the idea of perspective is one that drives what you think you can do and what you can't do when somebody says to me I can't do that whenever it comes to anything. Treatment, going to residential treatment, or living in a sober living house, or living without the drug of choice. That's a big one. Whatever it is, I can't do that. I can't do that. You have taken on the perspective that you're incapable of something, which really is not about I can't. It means I won't. And won't is very different than can't. Won't is I'm not going to try. Won't is it's not possible. I've already deemed it impossible. So even if I do try it, it's not going to happen. And that's what little kids do when they make that transition to the diving board. They say, I can't do this. They get to the end of the board and they're shaking. So the board is going up and down shaking. And I say, you can do this. And they go, no, I can't. I can't. You know, that's what I would hear. I can't. I'm like, yes, you can. And they're like, no. And I say, okay, well, what are you afraid of? And they would always point to the bottom of the pool. I can't, you know, cause that right there. And I'm like, okay, let me change your perspective. You know what? Getting healthy... really is many, many times a matter of perspective. If there's things that you feel like you can't overcome, you are not going to be able to accept about yourself. Let's say that you were engaged in prostitution or you had maybe committed a crime and you got convicted of a felony because you held a store up at gunpoint or you've had your fourth DUI. Now you've got to go to jail for two years and you get out and you're like, I can't do anything now. I have felonies. Yeah, you know what? You're limited. But it's not impossible. There's a change that can happen. It's are you going to be willing to accept a change in perspective? Because now you see yourself as something that's damaged. My addiction has gotten to the point where I am damaged. I can no longer... function in society because i have done things that are unacceptable they're unforgivable they're um they're certainly not changeable like history is that it's not changing it's it's already written but you the perspective you have is one of failure of no no nothing can ever happen that will make this okay that i will be okay and it's really sad because you know um it's that it's that scriptural statement about you know god doesn't give you things that you can't overcome i will overcome this but i have to change my perspective in order to overcome this I am not, or I cannot, or I will not, or I will never, are the phrases of a permanent perspective of self. And so until you change that perspective, nothing else will happen. So if you can eliminate the language of permanency within the perspective, this is what I am forever. Sometimes, some of us, me included, I was told this. This is what you should think of yourself. Our parents are programmers of that. My parents certainly were. My father was just really awful with that. He would constantly tell me I was stupid or I was not articulate. I would never amount to anything. So by the time I entered into early adulthood, I was just destined for that, which is interesting because the story I told you about being a swimming instructor was interesting. at the peak of I can't be anything. I'm not gonna amount to anything. And yet I'm striving to teach children to overcome their fears. And I was successful at it. I've taught thousands of kids how to swim, not just a few. Like I spent years teaching swimming lessons and running lesson programs in aquatic environments and pools and municipalities for cities and YMCAs and Jewish community centers. So I've taught thousands of kids how to swim. But my own perspective is that I'm never going to amount to anything. I have nothing positive to offer. I'm basically a worthless person. Which, you know, until I changed my perspective on myself, it didn't change. Like, that was my perspective. I will not amount to anything. And it wasn't until I changed my perspective. And you can do this too. What is it that you want to be? What is the image you have in your head of what you want to be? What can you be? Changes from I want to be this. Can I be this? And it doesn't matter if it's a neighbor that exhibits these traits and things that you would like to be. Or if it's somebody that you read about. I reference books all the time that I've read with people who have overcome addiction, and they're very inspiring in each one of them, actually. I feel like there's this brotherhood or kinship or camaraderie that you have with people who are in recovery. We all have these stories of recovery that are our own personal tragedies or our hell that we went through. And the things that we did, and we look at a person who's rock solid in their recovery, who's got 20 years, 30 years, 15 years, or whatever, and we think, oh, that would be a nice thing to have, but I can't get there, right? So you heard that word, can't, right? So I can't get there. That means you won't, because you're not even going to try. See, trying starts with, in recovery, starts with a change of perspective, right? whether it's something simple and basic or if it's something more complex, but can't and won't translate to the same meaning, which means it's not gonna happen. So change your perspective is the first step in moving towards rock solid recovery and finding a way to alter self-concept, self-identity. When you self-identify, constantly as someone who is unable incapacitated because of their own faults and flaws that they you think that's all you are you will be limiting yourself there is no way to um to go anywhere when you start with that perspective. And sometimes it takes people around us to help us. So like me putting my thumb on the end of the hose and squirting water onto the surface of the pool allows that child to see a different perspective. I'm not on the diving board doing it. I'm not diving for them. There's no amount of me doing it that's gonna convince them that they can do it. All I'm doing is I'm changing their perspective. It's up to them to then take the step, do the thing to experience that you're actually able to overcome. And so it's kind of like... the prodigal son the prodigal father experience of you know the father just waited for the son to go experience those things but knew you know waited for his prodigal son to come back and he didn't judge he didn't criticize he didn't say anything negative he just said I'm I was here for you the whole time just what you know I waited for you I knew that you could right so the the prodigal son goes out he's destructive he's sleeping with women he's drinking wine and getting drunk all the time and he's spending all his money and he's It changed his perspective of himself when he realized that he was just, you know, living in a pigsty and covered in mud and dirt and not able to support himself and was eating garbage. And is, you know, so the father was there waiting. And that's the, you know, when when you don't have anything else, but you just have it, you lose everything. Change your perspective. What can I do? What can I be? What gain can I have that's a small gain that moves me towards recovery? That's the other thing about recovery I wanted to mention in this. The perspective of immediacy. Addicts, we love immediate returns on our effort. And sometimes the effort is long. And it doesn't go well for us because we want it right now. We want all of it. We want everybody to recognize how wonderful we are, great we are, how successful we are with our recovery within a matter of days or weeks. So that's like the three-month syndrome and the six-month pink cloud experience of, you know, I got this. See, I'm all good now. And you're not. You're still, you know, 12 months to 18 months away from good recovery. So the perspective of, I want it now, I can only accept everything that's immediate, that's a problem. So changing your perspective, I believe, is the very first thing that will help you It's kind of like when you get to the point where you get knocked down to your knees. And you don't want to change, but you need to. And that's based on the perspective change of, I can't do this anymore. I've failed so bad, I just can't live like this anymore. Something's got to change. So I need to change. That is a change in perspective. So sometimes you need assistance. And sometimes you end up doing it on your own. But whatever it is you're doing, that's what happens. You change your perspective. Your perspective of what you are and what you're capable of. Failure, addiction, constant relapse, maybe near death, maybe overdosing multiple times, maybe sitting in a jail cell or a hospital. Something. Something you... you didn't want, that's a change in your perspective of self. And that will move you towards recovery. So let's work on changing perspective. That will be a help. Well, that's it for this episode of Doc Shack, your addiction lifeguard. A little bit of aquatic experience going there for you. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe, like, add some comments, reach out to me if you need to. And if you'd like some help in your recovery, certainly can do that by reaching out to me through my website, wellspringmindbody.com. Contact me by phone or email and I will respond. And sorry about the long pause between episodes here, but I needed some new material, so you've got to give me a break on that one. Hey, listen, it's not worth ending your life to save your addiction, so please get some help. Go to rehab, go to a counselor, do something to help your self-care. Sane, stable, and sober. So until next time, this is Doc Shock saying see you, and I'll see you much sooner than before.