Finding A Good Therapist Is Important

Why is it important to find a good therapist? And how do you know if you found one that is good? Let's find out.

Transcript

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It's time again for Doc Jock, your addiction lifeguard podcast. I am Dr. Jock DeBerker, a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist. If you are suffering from addiction, misery, trauma, whatever it is, I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at Doc Jock, your addiction lifeguard, the addiction recovery podcast. I wanted to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for. It is intended for entertainment and informational purposes but not considered help. If you actually need real help and you're in need of help, Please seek that out. If you're in dire need of help, you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them. But don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help. It's not. It's just a podcast. It's for entertainment and information only. So let's keep it in that light. All right. Have a good time. Learn something and then get the real help that you need from a professional.

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I see people as a therapist every day and many times those people that come to me they if it's an individual sometimes a spouse will come in and they'll talk to me with with the client and we're sitting there and then at the end of the session the person that came in with my client will say do you know of somebody that that I could see do you have a therapist that you would recommend and that's a really tough one I don't know you know all over the this country at least, and I know I've got listeners all over the world, Europe and Australia and Germany, whatever. I'm not sure exactly what the landscape of therapists look like in those countries. But here in the States, if somebody says, hey, do you know a therapist that I could see? It's kind of difficult for me, especially if I've only met them one time, to know You know, if if if somebody I would suggest is a good match for them, it's really tough and it's an important thing for them to to have the trust that they've given to me that I that I give that trust or that I invest in that trust with them and try to find somebody that's good for them. Also, people will be referred to me or they'll come in. You know, they look me up on Psychology Today or maybe they do a Google search and they find me and they are looking for somebody. And they come in, and one of the first things I tell them is, hey, look, if my approach or what I'm saying to you is not connecting with you in any way, or you're not getting what you want to get from this session, that's fine. I don't take it personally. I'm a professional. And you've got to match with your therapist. The client and the therapist have to match. Because you're going to be going through some tough stuff with those people. And When you're going through those things, you got to be able to sit there with a therapist and have the therapist say some some difficult things with you, you know, that you're maybe struggling with that you don't want to hear like, hey, you know, you're being too this or you're being too that or you seem to have trouble with relationships and perhaps it's you, you know. So to be able to tolerate that with somebody who's a therapist, you're really going to have a good relationship, a trusting one. They're not trying to manipulate you or hurt you. They're trying to help you. So when somebody asked me, hey, do you have somebody that you would recommend? There are two therapists. Now I have in my geographic location, I mean, there's a lot of therapists where I live. I'm in a major metropolitan area and one that is extremely affluent. So there, there are a lot of therapists here. Um, if you live in a smaller area, smaller town or city, there might not be as many therapists. Um, or you, you know, in today's climate, you might have to resort to doing, uh, therapy work online. So how do you, what do I tell people? Well, you know, sometimes what I do is, you know, if they come in and they, asking that question and I say, look, you know, you're going to have to probably see two or three or four therapists before you find one that you actually connect with. And that's okay. So if you go see them and it's not, you know, you're not connecting with them in some way, you've got to be able to say that. And when you say that to them, they shouldn't be taking offense to it and they shouldn't, you know, but it's like, it's okay to, to, to shop for therapists and, Um, the other part is that the, how you find them is a tough one. Um, I look for, uh, therapists, if I'm, you know, if I'm trying to find somebody to talk to, uh, I'll go on psychology today and look because it's the, it was the first real directory resource. And so it's always been the giant of the therapy resources for people to, to, uh, looking for therapists. And it's a good way to kind of get an idea of at least, you know, what the person says that their area of expertise is or their emphasis area of client types that they will focus on. That's a big deal. The other one is that it's important that you, when you're looking for a therapist, that you look for somebody that you know is a match in some way. And I guess the question is, like, what do you mean by match? Well, that's a good question. What's a match with a therapist? Having a male therapist and that's okay. It's okay that that's the case. It's not, you know, bad that you can't tolerate being around a male therapist because you're Abuser was male. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a normal thing. But if if so, who what kind of person am I going to invest in and trust? You know, there are all kinds of different people who are therapists. And frankly, some of us are really odd. I wish I wish that were not the case. But so some therapists are really odd. And if if there's something about the person that is distracting to you. It could be something as simple as their height, or their gender, or the color of their hair, or they dress strangely to you. It's distracting. It's not okay for you to be with that therapist. You do not have to be tolerant in a therapist-client environment. I don't think that's an appropriate scale or measure. to decide if you should be comfortable with your therapist because they are. And you can enter in whatever you want. And I know that's completely against what, you know, has been in the last 10 years, the societal push towards tolerance and all that. This is about your mental health and your well-being. So you have to be comfortable to reveal things to somebody. And so, no, there's I don't think there's any room for this woke kind of politically correct viewpoint when you're connecting with a person. You connect with, in a therapeutic setting, whoever it is that you connect with, right? As long as it's a good reason for connecting with them. If it's you're attracted to them and that's a problem, that's going to be a distraction. So, you know, it can be something that's positive or negative. But in other words, when you walk in to see your therapist, just like everybody else, you're going to have a first impression. And that's the one that's probably going to last for a while. So I, as a therapist, don't expect my clients to connect with me. Just because they made the appointment and they walked in the door, I know that there are going to be clients that I meet with and the work's not going to happen. And it's okay. I'm fine with that. Now, there's a difference between I'm being super picky... So I can't tolerate anything because I really don't want to be engaging in therapy and using any excuse to get out of that situation, including nonsensical, I don't connect with my therapist when you actually could. Some people will use that as an excuse to Dr. Hop, if you will. therapist hop and then they can say, well, I went to like six therapists and I didn't really find anybody that I connected with. So I just I just I it's not for me. Therapy is not for me. And I've had people use that as an excuse to get out of therapy when they were supposed to be going to therapy. Really, they needed it. And the timing of it too is important. Is this a time when you actually are prepared to do the work? And I'm using my little finger quotes, the work. And if you're ready to do the work, this is the time. If you're not really ready to do it, you know, should you be in therapy in that moment? You know, maybe wait a week or two. Because what happens when you see a therapist that you're actually connecting with is you're going to feel something. It's going to make you think. It's going to make you feel. So what I found is when I've been in situations where I go to therapy and I leave the therapist's office and I'm still thinking. I'm still in that place. I'm still driving my car down the road and I'm still mulling stuff over. I know I've seen the right person. If I walk out of the room and I'm just on to the next thing, that means there was no hit in my emotional soul. Like there was nothing touched. And so I'm probably seeing the wrong therapist. That's how I looked at it. So I would go see a therapist and I'd sit there and the guy is just sitting across the room from me and I'm talking and he's just doing the whole, like, I don't know, person-centered or Freudian thing where they're just kind of looking at you and going, uh-huh, okay, uh-huh. And I'm getting no feedback. That, to me, drives me nuts. And I'm not going back to that person because they're not for me. It's not that they're not competent. It's just that their style is not what I need. So if you are working on yourself, whether it's because of addiction or because of some other reason, You've got to find somebody that you connect with. That's the really important part. The work you do with a therapist is one where the minute you come in to see that therapist, they should already be thinking about discharging you. In other words, they're trying to work themselves out of a job. And I think I've said this in podcasts in the past. I'm absolutely certain I have. A good therapist is one that they expect the therapeutic relationship to be very time limited. And they should be thinking about how do I get this person moving towards recovery from their problems that they have, depression, anxiety, trauma, work through their addiction issues. And then you're finished with that and you move on. Now, I have people who I've been seeing, a few people I've been seeing for years, and then they're are some people that I see for three to six months and we're finished with our work. It's whatever you need. And so as a therapist, I look at it like, what does this client need? Some need support in a way that they do not have in their everyday life. Maybe they, they have a limited amount of relationships. They didn't get married. They don't have a significant other. They really struggle and they don't have that emotional connection and they need to talk through their, their week, their, their existence that week, the tough decisions they've had to make. Um, I've had clients who I've been with them through a divorce, a remarriage, a child, a child growing up. I mean, their struggles are not significant, but they have nobody that they really can work through their issues. Those are the exceptions to the time-limited thing, and I don't have very many of those. And we do talk about occasionally, you know, do you think it's time for you to To start doing stuff on your own. But you can always come back. But you know. We have those conversations. And so I look at those very few people. That I have. One or two. That are like that. And I'm okay with that. It's like every other week. Tune up if you will. But a majority of the clients that I have. I know are very very time limited. They're in recovery. And they're working through their. post rehab, one and a half to two years of, of work on recovery. And it's really interesting when I, when they, when they go through that process, they start feeling better. Um, and I, I have the luxury of being able to see it. And that's, that's a great reward for me is when I see them getting to a better place. And that's awesome when I see that. Um, the other Another factor to consider when you're trying to find a therapist that works for you is one of, are they structured enough? with their time. In other words, do they schedule you for the same time, same day each week, or are you scattering yourself all over the place? One of the real warning signs I see with people that I'm working with, I know that it's probably not going to be effective for them is that they never seem to, um, want to adhere to a Tuesday at two o'clock. That's your therapy time. They're all over the place. Um, They're changing days. They're changing times. They miss two or three weeks in a row. That person is not in a serious therapeutic process. They're probably doing it because somebody is watching or demanding that they get into therapy. And I don't have a lot of success with people like that because they're not committed to the therapeutic process, if you will. And for me as a therapist, when I say that, I mean... encountering self embracing self changing self they're not they're not there so they're just doing it because somebody wants them to do it and that's not a good one the other one is the person who and this is just a this is a really new thing for me um since the coronavirus because i just i never closed my office i didn't stop seeing people in person i refused to do that nonsense And I did not want to do remote sessions. I have since learned how to do it out of necessity, not because of the coronavirus, but because people it's easier sometimes for people to find the therapist they connect with and geography. is a challenge. So I'm licensed in four states and I have clients in four states. And now we have a interstate compact that is available to us. So we can actually see therapists in a lot of different states, not all the states, but a lot of different states. I've also had clients that were out of the country that I've worked with. And so the online thing is a great tool. I encourage my clients if they're ever in my area, They come and see me in person. Conversely, when I go to the locations where I have clients and I try to do this a couple times a year, I will see my clients in person because I think that human connection is important. Not absolutely necessary, but it's important. But the ability to connect person to person is really important. So if you can do that. But my point being that the geographic limitation that we had, especially if you're in a small town with no therapists or very limited therapist opportunities or options, is to get online and find therapists who will see you. If you're in Florida, I can see you. If you're in North Carolina, I can see you. If you're in If you're in Texas, I can see you. If you're in Virginia, I can see you. And then the other states that are in the compact, and I think there are 30 states right now in the interstate compact, I can see you. And I do see people in other states remotely, some of whom I have never actually met in person. And so you have to be able to be comfortable with that, but you have to engage in that. During the coronavirus, a lot of people were forced into working remotely. I found that working with kids remotely, kids being teenagers, the youngest I ever had was 13, impossible to do. They did not want to be on camera. They didn't want to show their face. And I can't, I can't work with somebody who's not going to be willing to turn their camera on. So just be there. But the other side of that is you have to take it seriously. I have clients who I will see remotely and they will be driving their car. While I'm trying to do a session and it drives me insane. I cannot see a client who is driving their car. They put their camera on, they put their phone down and I'm staring up at the headliner in their car while I'm talking to them and they're talking to me. I can't do that. I will stop them and say, listen, you need to either park your car so we can have a proper session or we're going to have to reschedule this. But I cannot do this with you driving your car. Being in your car is fine because sometimes that's where people can have privacy. So it's like the old Get Smart show with the dome of silence coming down over Maxwell Smart and the chief. So you're in your car and it's private and it's quiet and you're there and you can do that. Awesome. That's good. But doing remote sessions is a bit of a challenge about privacy. So that's a consideration. But if you're in an area where you have limited resources, you have limited availability of therapists, it doesn't mean you can't find somebody. So if you look in another area, you might be able to, you know, if you go on Psychology Today, for example, and you do a search in your area and you come up with nothing, look in major cities. Look in L.A. Look in Miami. Look in Washington, D.C. Look in Northern Virginia. Look in Atlanta. You'll find therapists who specialize in addiction. and, uh, trauma work and you'll find them and they do online sessions, you know, ring them up, uh, see if you can do a session. If you connect, um, it's a great way to, to, to get a resource that, you know, 15 years ago, basically didn't exist. Um, just, you gotta make sure that you get a therapist who's skilled and skilled at, at the two-dimensional flat screen connectivity which is always a challenge but the importance of the therapist is one is they are a guide to help you to help you through your uh your your process of change and identification of problems and that's the purpose of therapy so when you're doing uh when you're meeting with your therapist tendency to soften the blow minimize the problems not talk about the issues not get involved in in the things that are really troubling you look that's not going to do you any good it's not helping you and it's certainly not helping the therapist do their job so you have to be you have to be fearless in how you are approaching what's going on and I'm going to say this, and I want you to take this for what it's worth. If you have things that you feel embarrassed about or upset about, and you don't normally talk about it to anyone, or maybe you've never talked about it to anyone, your therapist is the person that you should be talking to about those things. So summoning up the courage to say what you need to say to a therapist is very very important that you that you do that that you are able to say the things out loud that have become very problematic for you in your life so if you were molested as a child if you I've had people say that they were on the verge of killing somebody and they stopped because they were so enraged because that person was abusive to them and Or you were humiliated by your parents at a point in your life, and you keep wanting to not think about it or recall it, but you're having this residual emotional effect of it. That is what the point of therapy is, to be able to do that. I believe that when you talk about those things... They become way less powerful in your life. They're not a driving force. Someone else knows. And it's interesting when somebody says something, and if you have a good therapist, you'll have this. I've had occasion where I've heard about questionable therapy practices that engage in something different. But when you say something to somebody and they're exercising very positive personal regard towards you, about whatever it is that you feel anger or shame or horrible about and you say it and they're accepting of you anyway. Think about how powerful that is. In a therapeutic process, that's what happens. That you can say things and you can gauge the reaction to it that may be different than you have received in the past. So if, for example, I've had clients who were molested as children and it's very shameful to them. They've never said anything to anybody. Or if they've said something, it was... They were blamed for it or they were attacked because they said it. There was some consequence that was negative for saying it. So then they never said it again. And it held a power position over their lives. It was powerful over their life. And when they said it out loud to somebody who sat there and just... accepted them anyway and didn't blame them and didn't attack them and didn't tell them that they should do this or that to get over it but just accepted them for what they just explained to and they said out loud to them that is a very powerful moment and can be a cathartic moment and a healing moment it allows the untold to be surfaced and to not be so devastating to that individual so The process of therapy is one that takes time and revealing of stuff and depending on how bad your stuff is, how serious it was, how difficult it is for you, the longer it can take. And that's okay. There's no time limit. I'm always cautious about therapists who overstay their welcome, so to speak, in that person's life. And that's just a very bad sign when somebody does that. But on the other hand, I'm very encouraged when I have clients who say, look, I was in therapy like five years ago and it just didn't seem like I got much out of it. And I'm like, oh, how long were you in therapy? And I was like, oh, you know, three months, six months, a year. I said, well, you didn't get anything out of it and you were there for a year? And they look at me and they go, yeah. And I'm like, why was your therapist continuing to see you then? It's like they should have referred you out to somebody, you know, or... Hey, this is the time for you to maybe do that. Is that why you're coming? That's why you're here now? Because you really want to do the work? And it's like, yeah, well, maybe you weren't ready to do it then. You thought about it, but maybe you just weren't ready. And so you just were kind of turtling, so to speak, and hiding in your shell because the outside world was too... I don't know, too dangerous, if you will, to do that work. You weren't prepared. Whatever the case may be, it doesn't matter. But keep working on that. Keep working on yourself. Find a good therapist. And if you can't find one in your area, please get online and find one. and see if you can get the help. I see people all the time that I have never met. They heard a podcast, they saw me on YouTube or something. They read something I put out there and they're like, hey man, I like what you said about blah, blah, blah. And so I thought I'd call you and see if you could help me. I hear that occasionally from my clients and I have clients every month that I see that are in that situation. So I would encourage you to try to do that. and see if you can find a good therapist. And if you can't, call me. I can be your therapist. But go to those directory resources and find help. Don't suffer in silence or in long term. There's no need to suffer. Get the help. That's another episode of Doc Shock, your addiction lifeguard. Hey, if you are looking for help, you can reach out to me through my website, bullspringmindbody.com, and I will try to help you. If you like this podcast, please suggest it to somebody else. Like it, subscribe, comment, and keep listening. And if you have suggestions for things that you'd like to hear, please keep the emails coming and let me know. And if you're looking for a therapist, like I said, find one. Because it's not really worth ending your life because you're trying to save your addiction. Is it? That makes no sense. That's crazy. So get the help and go to a rehab. Go see a counselor. Just do something. Well, this is Doc Jacques, your addiction lifeguard, saying until next time, see ya.