Addicts and Loved Ones Suffer Bitterness

As an addict are you full of bitterness? How about replacing it with betterness? 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at DocShock, your addiction lifeguard, the addiction recovery podcast. to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for. It is intended for entertainment and informational purposes, but not considered help. If you actually need real help and you're in need of help, please seek that out. If you're in dire need of help, you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them. But don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help. It's not. It's just a It's for entertainment and information only. So let's keep it in that light, all right? Have a good time, learn something, and then get the real help that you need from a professional. People who suffer addiction and the family members who suffer addiction other people's addictions loved ones they both have something in common and the thing they have in common is this problem of being full of resentment uh anger contempt whatever you want to call it about the person's addiction like the enemy's attacking you right and so now you're upset and angry because the person is uh suffering addiction so you get filled with anger resentment contempt frustration over whatever's going on in your life that got you there, right? So recovery is full of the same thing, right? It's this unresolved, untreated, unrealized, maybe unverbalized resentment and contempt, right? So there's this bitterness that kind of seeps into your life. And so in recovery, the same thing happens, right? You get filled with... You get filled with bitterness and then when it's time to change, make that change, the resentment is there and that's the thing that kind of helps that bitterness stay there. And you're bitter about the fact that you got treated this way or that the person acted that way or the things that were said or the disappointments or whatever. You know, if you ramp up the chaos to the point where you're in jail or prison or the hospital, the bitterness kind of creeps in. Right. It becomes all consuming. And so then any chance of like forgiveness or resolving issues or making repairs just kind of goes out the window. Right. Because you're just so full of all this stuff, that bitterness. Right. And, you know, it's funny because I see it both with the people who suffer from addiction as well as the people who are suffering around the addict. They both have it. It's just like a different version of the same thing, right? So bitterness kind of is there. And what you're trying to do when you're existing in the environment of trying to make changes and improvements or repairs because you're trying to improve from your addiction is you've got to get to a thing that I– call bitterness, right? Instead of bitterness, you're trying to get better. So are you bitter or are you getting better? And some people don't want to give it up. They don't want to give up their bitterness. They feel like there should be some price or penalty that's paid. And I would argue that The addiction is the penalty, right? I mean, it doesn't matter if it's you're the addict or the people around you. Like Morton Downey Jr. was talking about how Mel Gibson using the phrase, you know, hugging the cactus. Isn't the act of hugging the cactus the penalty? All the destruction, isn't that enough? So if you're a family member who's dealing with an addict who's working on recovery and you're still, you know, you're holding on to your resentment and your bitterness... You're still hugging the cactus, man. I mean, that's not helping. And if you're the addict who is now at the point where you are having trouble getting past your own self-reflective resentment, that bitterness you have about your own addiction, how are you ever going to get better? So you've got to get to a point where you can control yourself. Okay, great, you're there. You've got to get to the point where you're acting like a stable normal person okay you're there and the chaos is gone the craziness is gone and now you're left with just the feelings and you know when i'm working with clients either either family members or addicts it's it's they get to the point where the bitterness it just seems like the only thing that's left it's the only thing they have left It's the only thing that they're focusing on. It's the only thing they feel. And there's no room in there for forgiveness or repair or trust. That's another big one, right? Bitterness makes it so that you don't trust the person. You don't trust each other. And so that emotional chaos, that turmoil, that dysregulation in the emotion, in the the realm of repair, it just doesn't exist. And so when I have people that I'm trying to walk through the path of recovery and we get to that point where the bitterness, I can see it, right? It's almost like you can feel it in the room. We're kind of at a stationary point. Like there's nowhere to go from there. unless you're willing to take on the repair of that bitterness and move towards betterness, B-E, instead of B-I. So when you're working on your recovery, let's talk about addiction addict first. If you're working on your recovery and you're trying to make your way through the realization that chaos is gone and now you're just left with whatever is remaining of your life at that point, and you feel bad, what do you do? How do you deal with that bitterness that's inside of you? The bitterness about the things that you've done, the bitterness that you have towards the people that got you involved in the drugs and alcohol or whatever is going on first, the bitterness that you feel towards the people that betrayed you or the people that turned their back on you and wouldn't help you or you felt like wouldn't help you or tried to undermine your recovery. How about that one? That's a good one. The bitterness that you feel towards those people, towards yourself, towards your situation. there's got to be something that you let go in order to get there. So bitterness is this weird feeling of I'm angry, but I don't, it's, it's beyond anger, right? So we're moving towards that contempt feeling. So if you're trying to work on your recovery and you're trying to deal with that bitterness and you're trying to figure out how do I, how do I get out of that trap? The idea that you've paid a price. So like, The idea of, like, hugging the cactus. I'm hugging the cactus. Well, you're just damaging yourself doing that, right? So you're not doing that anymore. But understand you did that damage, right? You did it to yourself. You did it to other people. Nobody pays the price. Yeah, they do. Everybody did. And so when you are looking at that from your perspective of, like, I feel so much resentment, so much bitterness, so much contempt... towards myself or other people, you got to let the feeling go without the act. Maybe they got away with it. Maybe they didn't serve a price for that. They didn't have a penalty for it, you think. But in reality, they are. It's not for you to decide. It's not for you to dole out the penalties. That's for God to do. And they will answer for it. When you are accountable for your deeds, your thoughts, your actions. I was listening to Gary Hamrick, who's the pastor at Cornerstone Church. And he was talking about the price that people pay is not here on earth. So you can't also, there's also that you can't work your way into heaven by doing good deeds. That's not how it works. God's looking inside of you, in your heart, for that change. He's not looking for your actions. I know lots of really bad people who do really great things, but they're terrible people. And they're going to have to have, there's going to be a price for that. I've seen a lot of people who were good people who did bad things. And there's a price for that, too. You know, bad people doing good things doesn't amount to anything in the end. And so as an addict, yeah, you probably did bad things. Most addicts do. It's not a game of constant reward and reward. positive gain it's it's a zero-sum game where everybody loses at the end there's a zero at the end maybe there even some negative so are they getting away with it yeah here maybe but not forever right eternity is a long time and you answer for those things so don't don't think that because as an addict when you did bad things if you didn't change your heart If you didn't make it right with God or in the presence of God, you're on an empty path. It's a cul-de-sac, as I like to say to people. It's like you're driving down the road and you think it's a road, but actually it's not. It's a dead end. It's a cul-de-sac. You're going to just be going around in circles at the end. So you make it right, okay? And that leads to the feeling, that lightness of forgiveness, the idea that I... I am blessed because I didn't have to pay the penalty for this necessarily for the rest of my life. Maybe I did. Maybe I went to prison. I don't know. But I'm forgiving myself for doing it. And so as an addict working on inner change, that inner healing. And I'm pointing at my chest, my heart, right? That's where recovery is. And I talk to my clients and I say, recovery is in here. And I'm, again, pointing to my chest. It's in your heart. Recovery is not up here in your head. It's down here in your heart. So the change that you have happens within your heart. When I see clients who are in that place where they have worked through their resentment, their contempt, their bitterness, you can see them change. You can hear it in their voice. You can see it in the way they conduct themselves, the manner with which they're carrying themselves, the demeanor they have. It's a total change. And that's a wonderful thing to see when you see it. On the other hand, if you are the family member of an addict, a loved one, and you are full of bitterness about all the things that they've done, and all you wanted them to do was to move towards recovery. Okay, well then they move towards recovery, right? They're embracing recovery. But now you're filled with bitterness and you can't go that place of forgiveness with them because you're so bitter about the things they did. Which is kind of interesting because I thought all you wanted them to do was to stop doing the drug of choice, right? To be better. And yet there they are and you're not receiving it. So you're not giving them what they should have, which is the support and care, right? Because you can't get past your bitterness. It becomes the disease of destruction in recovery. And it's a shame when somebody is at that place where their bitterness does one of two things as a loved one. It either drives their resentment and their anger and they're just angry at the addict and they can't let it go. And it effectively ends the relationship, a healthy relationship with the addict in recovery. Or it makes it so that they just are tied up in knots about the person's addiction. And so the bitterness is the fuel that drives that constant need for trying to get the person to change. And it also ends up destroying the person's recovery because they can never do anything good enough. They can never achieve enough of anything to satisfy the person who is bitter about something that happened six years ago, for example. If you're in recovery... And it's been five years. I've seen this, five, six, seven years. And the loved ones are still bitter because the addict was an addict. And it's like, hey, man, I thought you wanted this person to get into recovery. They got into recovery. They've been living a good life. They're working. They're going to school. They're functioning. They have relationships with their kids. They're engaging. They're clear-headed. And you're just so full of bitterness that you can't even get to the place where you can accept that person who's changed. But I thought you wanted them to get sober. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all I wanted. But they didn't what? They didn't apologize enough? They didn't live a clean, sober, stable life enough for you? I don't understand what's going on here. And I think sometimes what happens with loved ones is that they get so involved in the chaos and the urgency of the person's recovery that now they don't have a purpose. You don't have a purpose with the person if they are in recovery and they're no longer an addict. Now your role as the innocent bystander loved one who was getting abused by the addict, now you've got to change your role. You have to be the accepting person. Yeah, and you've been a victim. Clearly, you've been a victim of somebody who was victimizing you. Yes, as an addict, they are attacking you or they're draining your bank account or whatever it was. Yeah, that was what was going on. But hey, they changed and now you don't have that role. You don't have the role of the victim. You don't have the role of the person... who was always there trying to bail them out or whatever, the enabler. So now your roles need to change, and you struggle with that because the idea that you don't have a purpose if you weren't the one that was being victimized is a sad one to be in. So accepting what's going on now in their lives will help get rid of some of that bitterness. But accepting and embracing the person, and perhaps you were the enabler, Perhaps you were the person who was causing problems in their lives by giving them money when they shouldn't have been giving money or giving them safe harbor in some way. Phone, insurance, car, housing, food, money, whatever it is. Maybe you were enabling them and that was a huge problem. And you've got to come to terms with that and you've got to deal with that away from the addict because you've got to get past that bitterness. You've got to work through that. And one of the best ways to do that really honestly is to start talking to people. Walking in shame because your loved one's an addict and you don't want to be seen as the mother, father, brother, sister, whatever of the addict, the husband, wife. You don't want to be seen as that. But also, how many people do you know are in that place in their life? They are the loved one of the addict. Probably not too many. And so there's a bit of shame attached to that, and that creates some bitterness too, right? So there's all these things that are involved, and it's a long process. So talking to people, so going to Al-Anon, getting a therapist... That's what I mean by talking to people. I don't mean talk to your neighbors, but talk to a professional. Get engaged in the therapeutic process. Make yourself open to that and participate in it. That can help you, especially if you're working with a good therapist, and I hope you would find one. They're out there. There are some bad ones too, but there are some good ones. Find one that works on the emotional side of recovery. So they need to know something about recovery themselves. They've got to be somebody who specializes in that because it is a different animal than just being depressed or anxious, more common, everyday types of mental health problems. Recovering from someone else's addiction is a very specialized thing. So find somebody you can talk to and work through those issues. and get to a healthier place so that you can have that relationship that you wanted with the person. And so bitterness is the thing that is the, it's like the rust on steel. Until you get rid of the rust, until you start working with that rust, you solve that problem. Maybe you have to put some, there's this stuff called rust encapsulator. It's a type of paint that, that stops rust because it cuts off the oxygen and the excess of moisture to the metal, but it also takes the metal and encapsulates the rust that's existing there. Or maybe you just have to cut it out and replace it with some healthy stuff. But whatever it is, that bitterness is something that will definitely take you out. It'll take the relationship out. It'll destroy any chance that relationship's there. So, as I've said in some of these other podcasts, I love little philosophical phrases that are demonstrations of things. But like Bruce Lee talking about that Confucius saying that the usefulness in a cup is in its emptiness. And so you have to pour out whatever's there first before you can use it. Otherwise it's filled and it's of no use anymore. in that moment so if you want fresh water in that cup you got to pour out the dirty water and clean it then you can fill it with new water so getting rid of that bitterness and moving towards betterness is is about getting rid of that what's in that that cup and eliminating that so that you can fill it with better things and that goes for both loved ones and the addicts both Because I think addiction is a disease, it's a problem, it's a stigma, it's an attack, it's horrible. And all it wants to do is create chaos. That's what the enemy wants, just chaos in your life and destruction. So working on the bitterness is actively engaged in facing those things that you have resentment and anger for that end up being solidified into bitterness. There's nothing worse than living your life as a bitter person. And when you think about describing somebody as like a bitter person, the phrase that I used to hear when I was a kid was, oh, he's a bitter old man or she's a bitter old woman. And it's like they've been so abused and they've hung on to the anger about that abuse even when it stopped. And they held it through their entire life. And so the bitter old man or the bitter old woman was somebody you didn't want to approach. You couldn't really talk to them. They weren't pleasant to be around. They usually had nothing positive to contribute. And you didn't even know why. And I remember there was this man who lived down the street from me when I was a kid. He was a bitter old man. And no matter what happened, no matter what was going on, it was always negative. He was angry. He was the one who was yelling at you about being on his sidewalk or being on his grass. that on his sidewalk thing always got me because it's not his sidewalk it's city property you're supposed to walk on it but he didn't like kids and he was just this bitter old man and I remember my mom using that phrase he's just a bitter old man like that's an excuse or some kind of explanation about it and I'm like I kept thinking yeah but how did he get that way you know his life he was I think he was retired because I don't remember him working and he was to me he was old so I you know but like ancient old and I remember thinking like But how did he get there? Like, life seemed good for him. It was, we were in California and weather's nice. And, you know, people on the street were pleasant enough. And I was like, why is he a bitter old man? And I didn't ask my mother that question, of course, because I was very young. But like, it just seems strange to me. Like, why would somebody be bitter? And perhaps it's the fact that I was young and he was old. So my perspective was based on I don't have life experience to know what bitter was about. I wasn't bitter. So why would he be? And then I remember also thinking, well, why can't he just change that? Like, just stop being so bitter. Like, go eat a piece of pizza and watch a funny TV show. That was kind of the solution when I was young. Like, why are you wasting your time being bitter? Everything was fun for me. So, like... Why can't you have fun? Because life happens. And, you know, who knows what his bitterness was about. It could have been anything. It could have been his son, you know, got killed in Vietnam or he was fighting the Vietnamese War because that was what was going on at the time. I don't know. Maybe his wife got mad and left him or something. I don't know. Who knows? But whatever it is, you got to work on it. So with addiction and the enemy attacking you, It wants to attack everybody. It doesn't want to attack just one person. But it will work on one person at a time. And it will keep attacking and keep attacking until finally it's destroyed everything in its path. And I, for one, I refuse to surrender to that battle. I saw it take so many of my friends out. I've seen it take out my family members. I just don't want the enemy to win. It just doesn't have a place and that's not right. So work on emptying that cup and getting rid of the bitterness. Well, that's it for this episode of Doc Shock, Your Addiction Lifeguard. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. I've got plenty of other episodes for you to listen to. I think we're up to number 122 or something. If you need help, you can reach out to me, Dr. Jacques DeBruyter, on my website, wellspringmindbody.com. And I will certainly try to help you. If you can't reach out to me, reach out to somebody else. Go to a counselor. Go to a rehab. Do something. Whatever you do. Don't let addiction win and you lose by losing your life. Don't save your addiction by ending your life. That's crazy. But get the help. And until the next episode of Doc Shock, this is Doc Shock saying, see ya.