Isolation Is Addictions Best Friend

Learn why isolation is so commonly used by addicts to make it possible to increase their usage of their substance of choice.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

It's time again for Doc Jock, your addiction lifeguard podcast. I am Dr. Jock DeBerker, a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist. If you are suffering from addiction, misery, trauma, whatever it is, I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at Doc Jock, your addiction lifeguard, the addiction recovery podcast. I wanted to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for it is intended for entertainment and informational purposes but not considered help if you actually need real help and you're in need of help please seek that out if you're in dire need of help you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them but don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help it's not it's just a the podcast it's for entertainment and information only so let's keep it in that light all right have a good time learn something and then get the real help that you need from a professional It's been just about a little over a month since my last podcast. And the reason for that is I've been super busy writing a book and I'm trying to get it done. So I apologize for my listeners who have not heard me for a month. And if you have ever tried to write something of any size, it seems like, you know, if you have an interest in an area or you have some expertise or something you talk about it like I do all the time all day long and on podcasts and whatever that it would be easy to put it down on paper but in fact I have discovered it is quite complicated much more complicated than perhaps I had anticipated so hopefully I'll be getting that done soon so again I apologize for not doing my podcast so let's get into a topic and the one that I wanted to talk about was something that I've run into a couple of times in the last month well more than a couple times actually been every week multiple times a week over the last month and that is what happens when somebody is falling into their addiction so as I you know I've used these terms before the civilians right the non the non addicts out there the civilians as opposed to us professionals so the civilians out there don't really understand the whole the concept of isolation and as i have said over and over again in these podcasts um isolation is addiction's best friend you see when normal people civilians drink or they um no let's just stick with drinking if they drink they have a drink and they put it down and they are usually doing it around other people maybe they might have you know a cocktail of something when they're watching a television show or something on their own but for the most part People who are civilians, they're going to drink probably with other people. And we certainly see that in advertising, right? You get together with your friends, you have a drink, and everything's great. But see, that's not how professionals do it. They might have a chemical of choice with other people, but they're going to keep it in moderation for the most part. Contrary to what you see on YouTube videos and TikTok videos and Instagram stuff, you know, oh, the person falling down drunk and you know ha ha ha but you know the thing I noticed about the people that are doing that they seem to be pretty well put together I was just watching a video on I think it was on YouTube it was little shorts of like people who were falling down because they were drunk doing stupid things because they were drunk I could tell when I looked at that of the I don't say 12 little short you know 10 second clips of people falling down or whatever I could tell by looking at them that There wasn't a single one of them that was an alcoholic. They were put together. They were walking around with other people. And they were conducting themselves just the way they moved. You couldn't hear what they were saying as they were doing whatever they were doing, falling in a bush or whatever. But these are people that are civilians. They are not professionals. They are with alcohol. They were drunk and they were doing something stupid. But you could tell. They're not alcoholics. They're normal professionals. people who just drank too much and they can't handle it. So what do we do? What do professionals do when they're using? They use privately. They do it in private. They do it solo. The best drinking, the best use of weed, the best heroin, cocaine, whatever. They're going to do it in isolation. But why? And that's what came up with these conversations I've had with people who are most of them were reaching out to me seeking help for other people. I talked to a gentleman on the phone for about 20 minutes and he could not get his arms around the idea that his loved one was doing something and he wasn't sure that it had gotten to an extreme. However, he described all these things around the behaviors that are indicative of somebody who is an alcoholic. And that is, you know, performance at work, the relationship issues falling apart, the absence at family functions. And I asked him, so in this conversation when he's looking for help, I said, well, okay, so you're telling me all these things that are just typical for somebody who has an addiction problem. How often do you see this loved one? And he said, oh, I see him maybe four times a year. I'm like, oh, okay, so you actually don't have eyes on him. How many, so five years ago, how often did you see him? Oh, I'd see him, you know, every month. Okay, well, why don't you see him with the same frequency? And he said, oh, he's busy. And I was like, yeah, he's busy drinking and he doesn't want you to see it. And he's putting up all these smoke and mirrors to confuse you. So he's isolating. And it took me a while of explaining it for him to realize that perhaps he was isolating but even then he didn't fully buy into it he just kept with the story of he's busy he just got divorced he's having problems at work he's not talking to relatives he's been oppositional about any hinting of the fact that there's a problem with drinking he's very oppositional about that verbally and you don't think he has a drinking problem and it's like the the isolation is the biggest clue there. People who are slipping further into their addiction, they don't want to hear the noise coming out of your mouth when you're complaining about what's happening. And I'm telling you from 20 plus years of experience in working with addicts, isolation is exactly what they do when they're escalating 100% of the time. Back in the 70s, there was this movie was called Arthur and in it the actor Dudley Moore played a gentleman who was super wealthy he was a trust fund baby and he had become an adult and he was in his he looked like he was probably in his 40s early 40s I'd say and he was this kind of very affable friendly very charismatic harmless because he was always having a good time he was laughing and it was funny and he was but he was fall down drunk every day. And he meets this woman, Liza Minnelli. And I can't remember their, his name was Arthur in the movie. I can't remember what her name was, but it was the actress, uh, Liza Minnelli. And she falls in love with Arthur. And every day he gets up, he has nothing to do except be in this big giant mansion house with a manservant and a driver. And he has nothing to do all day except drink. So that's what he does. And he doesn't does it very publicly, which I thought was kind of interesting because, you know, in the 70s, perhaps they thought that, you know, and it was, well, first of all, it was a movie that was supposed to be humorous, right? So it's really funny watching Arthur laughing and giggling all the time, drunk, stumbling around. You know, at the time, I was a teenager, a late teenager when it came out. I was like, oh, okay, well, that's kind of funny. However, I was growing up in a home full of, you know, that two parents who were alcoholics and for me the alcoholism was a freaking nightmare but I'm watching this movie and I thought oh this is kind of funny and I thought it was funny at the time but then again now that I look back at it it's like it wasn't funny um so you couldn't make that movie today I don't think you really could um because it's just it's not funny it's not okay to just be fall down drunk and make light of it all the time uh that So what was he not doing? He was being portrayed as not being isolated. He was not isolating. His majordomo guy, who was his manservant, was always an older man, was always around, kind of watching over him. But he didn't isolate. In reality, he isolates. Now, there's two things about isolation. One is it's self-imposed, and that's certainly part of it. But the other part of it is, it's because people don't like being around somebody who's high or drunk all the time. And if you're listening to this and you're an addict, you may take offense to that, but you know what? Nobody wants to see you when you're that way. And that is a key part of this because, uh, you know, you're, there's all kinds of jackassery going on and nobody wants to see it. Nobody wants to be subjected to it. The crazy mood swings, the potent, in some cases, potentially violent behavior being directed at them by the addict who's high. The, unreliability it's a socially awkward thing to have somebody that's really high or drunk around you when you're not and you're in public nobody wants to be around that so some of it is self-imposed isolation but part of it is also a kind of rejection of of the person which in the case with the man on the phone who's talking to me the the father of this this gentleman he didn't like the fact that this was going on and i hear this with people all the time especially parents who have you know middle-aged children to up into their 50s and the parents are wringing their hands about what to do and they deny the the isolation thing they don't think it's an issue but yet they've been experiencing it in an ever-increasing amount as that person slides further and further into addiction so isolation is addictions best friend and it's where addiction starts to really kind of flourish it grows it grows it grows in that isolation because there's nobody there to say hey man this is not okay or I don't like that or I'm leaving because you are too drunk or you're just passing out or you're not showing up it doesn't you know it does there's nobody there to say hey that's not okay and that's by design that's on purpose people do not want to hear that so they will eliminate those who can give that voice to that objection to the addiction and that's why isolation is a best friend and so when you're around somebody who has an addiction problem you'll notice that they start slipping away from you you're seeing them less and less and less when you do see them it's for shorter periods of time there's lots of excuses for getting out because they want to leave and go use and so they will make an appearance you hear that a lot like yeah I made an appearance yeah you showed up for like 20 minutes but it was a dinner party and you didn't have dinner oh well I had other things to do that's what you start hearing like there's other there's always other things going on but there is nothing else going on it's just escape and so the isolation I'm leaving because you know and and sometimes what people will do is they will come up with some these false reasons for leaving these oh I don't like what you're telling me you're being you know you're being mean to me and it could be about anything not about addiction but about anything and that's the somehow They construct some kind of situation where they can make their exit so they can go get high or drunk. I've witnessed situations when my children were younger. I remember there was a situation where there was a woman whose husband I noticed over the years. It was a baseball game and my kid played Little League for years. And I knew these people and I saw this guy becoming more and more involved in alcohol. Until the point where there was the mom would show up with the three kids, one playing baseball, two others that were younger. And the younger kids were like five and seven or something like that. And her older son was my son's age. And at the time, I think it was like nine or 10. I could see that she would stiffen when he would show up at these baseball games during the evenings, during the week. And then on Saturdays, I noticed he never came at all. but during the weekday like any normal father would do he gets off work he's a white collar worker he's got his suit and tie so he's taking his jacket off maybe he's got his tie on but she would stiffen when he would show up because it was so unpredictable in his behaviors and I remember one particular day it was a it was an after work game so it was probably either on a Tuesday or Thursday which is when most of the games were played that I attended that year and I remember he showed up he was late he showed up and it was the into the second inning of the game and I could see that she was sitting on the bleachers probably 10 feet from me I could see her stiffen she was stiffening as he was walking up and he comes up and he walks up and he sits down and he was clearly drunk I could tell most people probably would not have noticed easily but I because of my profession I could tell and he sat down and she said hello and he said hello and he didn't acknowledge his two children that were running around as kids do when their siblings are playing a sport they were kind of running around he didn't acknowledge them he sat down next to his wife she could immediately tell he was drunk as he was walking up she could also tell that his drinking had started now what time of day was this it was about 545 maybe yeah like 545 the game started at 530 I believe so about 15 minutes and he asked her he sat there and then he asked her the question did he hit in the first inning did our son was he at bat and she's all flustered and she said I'm not sure and she could tell what he was doing was he was starting to immediately ramp up so that he could start a fight and then leave and he got mad at her because she didn't know if he her son had been at bat and he asked her again and she said I don't know and then he looks at the kid who's playing on batting and it's for the other team and so he's looking at the team he doesn't even know he can't even tell where his son is on the field. I remember he didn't know what position his son was playing. Couldn't identify him on the field. And then he starts getting mad at his wife because she doesn't know. And he starts kind of raising his voice. Then he stands up towering over her and says, you know, I'm just going to leave if you're going to be like that. And I'm paying attention to this. And she is embarrassed beyond belief. Can't believe that he's doing that. Nobody's really paying much attention. He's slowly escalating. And she goes, no, no, that's I'm sorry. I was watching the kids. I wasn't watching that closely. I'm sorry. Just sit down. And he won't sit down. And he goes, you know what? This is just typical of you. And then he storms off. And he left. Now, where is he going? He's going home to drink. And he was drunk when he got there, which means he's either drinking in the car on the way there or he stopped at the bar or something on the way there. You know, knocked back a few cocktails and then showed up at his kid's game and within literally within five minutes he's arguing and i'm going to say it was like eight minutes in less than 10 he's gone and i saw her physically relax when he left because she's like okay well the storm has passed through here and now he's going to go home most likely that would be my guess to drink now the problem is she knows that she's probably going to run into it when she gets home because she can take the kids out to eat dinner after the game which I'm guessing she probably did and she can delay the return home hoping that he's drank himself into a stupor and now he's become harmless that's isolation and he used that excuse to isolate he created conflict where there was none he engaged in an argument where there was no argument that needed to exist because he wanted to leave to go drink and that's exactly what he did so isolation is addiction's best friend and if you if you're not isolated in the moment you're going to create situations where you can isolate and that's what that's what people who have addiction do so they become unreliable inconsistent argumentative belligerent verbally assaulting people sometimes physically assaulting them but not in a public setting usually because that can turn into a legal issue so that's what he that's what he did and that is a textbook example of exactly what happens when people want to engage in their addiction above all else right so i don't care that my son is playing baseball you know the thing about that situation is i i attended every single baseball game my son had with almost without exception there were a couple of times when i couldn't because of illness or something but I was always there. So I saw this progress over the years. And this poor woman, you know, hopefully that guy's gotten some help. It's been like probably 15 years since then. I don't know, but be that as it may. You know, when isolation occurs, they'll take advantage of it. When it's not available to them, they will create a situation where they can isolate. So when you're dealing with somebody who has addiction, And they are doing this. It's not because they have growing anxiety or they're all of a sudden became super busy. It's because they're engaging in their drug of choice and they need to do it in isolation at the levels that they're going to do it. So don't be mistaken into thinking that if you somehow say to them, Hey, you know, you should show up at these family events that we, you know, people really notice when you're not there or, you know, when you don't go to things, people, you know, think, They don't care. The person you're talking to, they don't care. They just want to get high or drunk. That's all they care about. So you're just talking. It's just wind to the person who's hearing it, the addict. But understand what you're seeing is one of the primary indicators of an escalation where something has happened and now usage has turned into abuse of that substance, whether it's addiction dependence or addiction abuse. But isolation has caused them to want to engage in it more. Now, I've been talking all this time as if I'm talking to loved ones. Let me just say briefly to people who have addiction, if you are isolating all the time, that is a problem. Your usage is escalating and becoming a serious problem because you are lying to the people that love you when they ask you or inquire about how much you're using because you're hiding how much you're using and you're doing that because you want to use more and more and more so understand that when you're doing that that's what's happening to you what's the opposite of addiction for me it's peace and it's hard to be peaceful when you have no people around so we get sober and clean through connections through relationships and those relationships are the ones that can help us continue staying in that isolation so when you're experiencing your addiction and you're isolating you got to get connected to people because you've been pushing a away, pulling away from people, pushing away from pushing people away and pulling away from people yourself. So what I want you to do is I want you to work on ending of that behavior. And that's why it's important to go to meetings. And, you know, as loved ones of addicts, it's important for you to go to meetings, too, because you're you're going to start isolating to the woman that I was referring to in the story I told you. She felt very isolated because she's embarrassed, ashamed, and she doesn't know what to say. She doesn't want her husband to be an alcoholic and be that abusive, crazy, drunken person, but she's not going to say that to anybody. So that's why it's important for people who are loved ones to start going to Al-Anon so you can start talking about those things with your peers, other people who get it because they're living the same life. It doesn't matter if it's drugs or alcohol. Al-Anon is for the loved ones of addicts, period. They don't have to be alcoholics, but they're just addiction. So go to Al-Anon and do the that you're asking the other person to do, the addict, which is to go to meetings, one. Two, start engaging in reality and life and engaging with other people and get connected. And three, start moving towards recovery. So if you are a loved one of an addict, you have to recover from their addiction as much as they have to recover from their addiction. So what I want you to do is I want you to get into those groups. Stop isolating. What you're seeing in that other person that's the addict is the isolation Well, you're doing it too, but you're doing it for a different reason. You're doing it because of addiction, but you're doing it because of shame and embarrassment about somebody else. The addict is isolating because they just want to get high, right? So it's just a survival thing for them, survival of their addiction. So don't let the enemy get a foothold in your life and then slowly blow it apart because you're engaging in the thing that is the destruction. And that's the old adage of the enemy of my enemies. So if I can get you two to fight with each other about, you know, family circumstances or events or things that you do, and I can get you to engage in that isolation as an addict, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. That's, you know, that's what addiction does. It like plants the seeds of doubt and destruction in your lives and then just waters them and tends those fields so that those seeds grow into plants, which turn into, you know, massive amounts of destruction. So find ways to heal and recover and change the way that you're existing in your lives so you can become better people. Well, that's this edition of Doc Shock, Your Addiction Lifeguard. I hope you've enjoyed this podcast. If you have, please subscribe and like, and you can comment as well. I do appreciate the comments that you post about my podcast. If you've got any suggestions for me, questions you can reach out to me through my website wellspringmindbody.com and if you need help you can reach out to me I'll give you some direction I'll give you some guidance and maybe I can even work with you I don't know but whatever it is listen it's not worth ending your life to save your addiction so go out there and start getting sober and clean go to a rehab go see a counselor go to the rooms get into AA NA any of the A's get the help So until next time, this is Doc Jacques saying, see ya.