The Hidden Grief In Addiction

Do you have an addict that you love and who you feel like your losing? Many times hidden grief is what is going on and you don't even realize it. 

Transcript

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I'm going for Dr. Addiction Life Guard Placement. I'm Dr. Doctor psychology. Like this one addiction special. You are suffering from addiction, injury, drama, whatever it is. I'm here to help. You're in search of help. Try to get your life back together. Join me here at Doc Doctor Addiction Life Guard, the Addiction Recovery Podcast. I wanted to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for. It is intended for entertainment and informational purposes, but not considered help. If you actually need real help and you're in need of help, please seek that out. If you're in dire need of help, you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them. But don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help. It's not. It's just a podcast. It's for entertainment and information only. So let's keep it in that light, alright? Have a good time, learn something, and then get the real help that you need from a professional. Okay, today I'm going to talk to you about the kind of grief families often don't recognize. The hidden grief that comes when you're loving someone who has addiction. And it's a tough topic because many times this is the thing that that happens in families that just it literally goes unrecognized, unaddressed, and untalked about. Hidden grief. And so hidden grief is this weird thing because you're you're caught in this emotional state where you're you're you know you're battling addiction with the person who has addiction. You're battling their enemy, right? And you experience this loss because you're they're losing their battle with addiction, let's say. Um, and so you have this ambiguous loss, uh, grieving someone but who's still alive, but you're losing them. And it happens, it happens every single time. Every single family I deal with has this problem. They're grieving someone's loss, but the person is still alive, they're still there, and they're acting kind of dysfunctionally. So there's a gap between who your loved one used to be and then who the addict makes them become. And that gap is kind of where you get stuck. So they often don't realize that they're feeling grief. They don't recognize it as grief, like you've lost someone. They feel sad, they feel, you know, a sense of loss, but they don't really understand that it's grief. And when I'm using those terms uh in in these family sessions I do, it's perhaps the first time they've even consciously thought of that. It's an unconscious feeling that they have, but that's probably the first time they've even considered it. And it's kind of shocking. So um, so what does that look like? What does that look like when when somebody's facing this grief, this loss, when the person is still alive? I mean, we see it portrayed in in um in television shows, for example. I I I see it all the time. They you you see the moment where the family is realizing that their addict is kind of spinning off into this destructive mode and they can't stop it, and they dramatically show them feeling emotion, but and they portray it as grief. But the person who's actually feeling it in real life, they a lot of times they don't have that moment, that epif epiphany moment. It's very dramatic when you see it in a uh TV show or a movie. I mean, I pay attention to that because this is my specialty, right? So I'm always scrutinizing accuracy of addiction. But that's one thing that they do get right, but they portray it wrongly because it never actually really happens with families in a conscious way. Um, so there's different faces in that, in that uh the grief and addiction. Um there's the the the shock and denial. I mean, these these are Kubler Ross kind of things, but I understand that. But there's that that that part of it is that shock and the denial. Denial is probably more so than shock, but stronger at least in my experience, that they this can't be happening. This cannot be happening. And they kind of get stuck in that, you know. Um the loved ones do. And and then shortly after that, there's an expl, you know, usually there's a thread of anger in that shock and denial, because they're angry, but they don't even know who to be angry with or at, like trying to be angry with the addict, and then they get start getting angry with each other um in within the family because one person is more into the understanding of the destruction and the other one is more into the denial. They're both experiencing shock, but the anger is a thread that connects them, and they get angry at nothing. That's you know, they they can't they when I'm when I'm clarifying for them the idea of you have a common enemy, and the enemy is using addiction to destroy you and your loved ones, they they start to kind of focus. I try to get them to focus on a real enemy, and it's the addiction, or at least the enemy is Satan who's working the addiction in the person. So at least they can focus on facing together the the common enemy. Um, but they're angry, they're angry at at themselves, they're angry at the person who's the addict, they're angry at God, they're just angry. Um and and so they they start then the the what ifs start clicking in at some point, you know, um presenting something that will present change. And it's we the term for is magical thinking, right? If they do something that will change the person's idea of, you know, engaging in addiction. And and that's usually never correct. Because if that were correct, perhaps the person wouldn't have gotten so deep into their addiction that they ended up in my office um seeking help. So they start bargaining and making make-believe thinking, magical thinking starts kicking in. Um they start bargaining with themselves or with God or with the person who's the addict. You know, if I if I give you this or if I do this, or if I take you here or there, you know, if you get in front of this person, you'll stop this destruction. And that that doesn't happen that way. Um it just doesn't. And then there's the the sadness and the hopelessness, and they they start looking at all the things that could have or should have happened in their lives that aren't or didn't or can't because of addiction um in the addicts' lives and in their own lives, they get stuck. Like they can't, they can't sometimes depending on the age of the addict, but the person who's in the family, they can't retire, they can't change their job, they can't move, things start getting put off. I've even seen weddings getting put off by family members of an addict because they're waiting for this person to get clean and sober. So they're they're mourning these milestones that never get reached, and and that's that's a terrible thing. And then there's the bitterness. Um, you you know, if your husband or your wife is an addict, you're getting cheated out of the relationship you wanted with them. Uh if it's your child, you get cheated out of the relationship you wanted with your child. Um, parents, when you have when you are an adult child and your parent is an addict, you get cheated out of that relationship. They get excluded, they get excluded from family events, they get excluded from you know, births, weddings, sometimes funerals, they get birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, um, family reunions. I it's the the list is just almost endless. Um, and they get cheated out of those things. And they feel that and they start getting really angry. Again, they get angry at the addict, but really it's the addiction that they should be getting angry at, but they don't. Um, it usually gets focused on either each other and they start eating themselves alive or they go after the addict. So um how what does this look like for you as the person who's who's the the the loved one of an addict? What does this look like when when that grief starts showing up? What happens? Well, this is what I say with my my family members of uh addicts who come to me looking for help. This is what I say. Um I see them over time, they and sometimes initially when they come in, they're exhausted. It's exhausting being caught up in this drama and this and this sadness that you have. They're not sleeping, they're not exercising, they're not taking care of themselves, they're not they're just not taking care of themselves. So they're exhausted and they look at um resentment, short-tempered behaviors towards family members within the dynamics of the family. Um, I see them start fighting with each other, and that adds to that exhaustion. It's exhausting when you're in constant battle mode with your family members over what to do with the addict. Um, sometimes it goes the other way, and instead of being engaged in battle, they go the other way and they become emotionally withdrawn and isolated. Um family members stop talking to each other because there's so much disagreement on what to do. Um sometimes they just can't face it anymore. You know, the grief has got them so they're grieving this loss and they don't know what to do with it. So they just shut down, they just completely withdraw, um, and they get to that place where they're just what's wrong. Um then there's the person who is the hamster on the wheel, right? They're they're overly compensating for everything that's going on, they're over functioning, they're over-providing, they're trying to hold the family together, and they're the ones that are doing all the planning, and they constantly are you know trying to keep everybody's spirits up, and but but uh interestingly, that is a coping mechanism for the grief that they're experiencing. They need something to do. So that's the person who tends to be the extrovert. They're they're the ones that they really need something to do, and they're not doing anything that's helpful, usually. Um, and and so it's just it's the overfunctioning, the overdoing, do do do, can't sit still. Um, and again, they end up having a hard time sleeping as well, and they look it. So pretty much everybody's exhausted, everybody's emotionally drained. There's resentment, anger, isolation, withdrawal, overfunctioning, compensating behaviors that you have to try to deal with this grief. So it's it's important. That's when they come to me, that's one of the first things I start pointing out to them is you know, this is a loss. And I try to establish a common enemy that they're facing because they don't realize that they're facing an enemy. This is guerrilla warfare. Um, you got a sniper on a high point who's who's uh he's he's overwatch, right? That's the enemy's got one of those, and he's gonna pick you off one at a time. Then there's the others that are running in stealth mode. They've got their their gilly gear, if you know what that is. It's the uh the things that snipers use when they're in the field, you know, they're getting grass and stuff all over them. And those are the ones that are gonna they're they're kind of hidden, and they're gonna pick you off too. Um so you got to have an understanding that these the enemy is working against you in a way that's that's using multiple means to do it. Uh dysfunction, craziness, um, we're gonna create chaos. The enemy's gonna create chaos in your family, and that enables the addiction to to stay longer. So um I try to get them to understand there's a common enemy. So you have to acknowledge that this is you're grieving the loss of this loved one while they're still alive, even though there's uh, you know, you're feeling guilt and shame, but you got to have a place to kind of get rid of that. So normalizing the experience, that's where Al-Anon comes in because you're normalizing that you're not crazy, you are grieving. And this will be pointed out in Al-Anon. Listen, you have lost this loved one even though they're still functioning. That's a common thing in Al-Anon that you'll hear. Um, you'll hear people relaying that experience, and you'll hear people talking about it and uh learning how to cope with that. So getting somewhere where you can normalize the experience that you're not crazy, you're grieving, and focus on that part of it rather than the coping mechanisms for the grieving. Um so how do you so okay, so how do you process all of this? How can you process um the this this grief? So there are church-based groups. I have uh a pastor who's a friend in Jacksonville, and they have in their church a group called Wayfinders that is uh it's sort of like Al-Anon, um, but they do it a little, they do it differently. It's a church-based group, and there are a lot of church-based groups out there for families who have um addicts amongst them. So getting in that group, Al-Anon, like I talked about before, that's a really good one. That's probably your best one. Because it's structured, organized, and there's they're all over the place. So if you're even if you're traveling, uh, you travel a lot. And I have clients who spend a lot of time on the road, and they they're in city after city. And so if you're trying to find some, you know, some consistency with engaging in this process, Al-Anon is good because every city, everywhere, all over the place, there's Al Anon meetings. Not nearly as many as there are AA or NA meetings, not even close, but Al Anon, the group that's the 12-step group for loved ones. That's a really good one. So also you can um uh, you know, within those groups, you're gonna find your your peers, the people that is your tribe, your community. Um, it's a it's a group that is hidden uh because of shame and guilt and embarrassment about the addict in your family, but it's also one where there's a lot of distrust out in the community as to who you can trust, um, who you believe is is trustworthy in engaging in conversation about it. You're you know, maybe your your best friend or your neighbor is not somebody that you feel comfortable talking to, but you do need your tribe, right? So go find them. So therapy groups, um, or support groups, therapy is another one. Specifically finding somebody who's a therapist who's trained in addiction that can help you, and finding that is very, very helpful. I'm one of those myself, and this is what I do with my clients um if they have family members who are addicts. I do interventions, I do um, I do that. I I that's my thing, right? So I don't I advertise myself that way. This is what I do. I deal with families of addicts as well as addicts, prehab, pre-rehab, post-rehab, and interventions for for both. Um, but find a therapist. Uh having there's an internal dialogue we all have. We all have it. We we have a voice in our head that's us talking to us. And so um maybe if you some people find it helpful uh to journal like and and by writing it down. So just have a little notebook and just write down your thoughts so you can can uh get them out of your head, perhaps and put them on paper. Um sharing sharing those thoughts. Uh one of my clients, they they do this, they keep track of that, and they write things down in their little notebook, and then they also um will take that with them to Al Anon and they'll because they want to remind themselves this week, this is what I was dealing with, and when it's their chance to be able to share in the group, they have something that they've they've got that they can go from. Um, you know, uh having a faith-based perspective, Greece is a part of surrender and healing. And that if you have if you're walking in faith, if you're a believer and you're walking in faith, grief is part of the the surrender to the healing. We mourn our losses, and it doesn't matter what what faith you have, really, honestly. Um I the the different faiths do it differently, but having that perspective, and if you are a person of faith and you are a believer, engage in that, you know. That's why, if you think about it, that's why we have funerals. We have funerals for the survivors, for the people to come together and engage in that perspective of like this person has finally passed, and I'm accepting that. I am I am in this process of of of letting that go, that surrender and that healing. So grief is part of that. And that's what we're doing in a funeral. We're all gathering together as a group, we're crying, we're we're sad, we're we're consoling each other, we're walking around in disbelief and confusion, and we're sharing that with each other, and that's a there's a healing in that. So grief is part of that. Um you know, if if I'm gonna keep with my my lifeguarding uh ideas, you you're just remember, you can't save someone if you drown in grief unacknowledged. You know, it's it's like mud at the bottom of the water. You're trying to get out of the water, but you get stuck in the mud. You it's it's the thing that's gonna drown. Uh it's gonna drown you. So don't fall into that trap. Um, you know, when when people grieve, they do it in different ways. And I learned from my time working at the uh in the Jewish community centers that I did that they grieve differently than than uh Christians do a little bit. Um they will sit Shiva, they'll sit in the synagogue and spend the time remembering the loved one, praying, remembering. And I I I asked some of my uh my friends and the people I ran into at the Jewish Community Center when I started to become aware of that. I'm like, well, for how long? You know, for what how how tell me about how that process works. And the answer was very simple. Um we go and we do it in that time, the day that we show up, we'll spend 10 minutes, five minutes, thirty minutes, an hour, whatever we want, whatever we need. Okay, well, how long does that go on? Till we're done. I was like, huh. So you're devoting actual time to grieving through your day, and years later, with that knowledge that I had about that experience, I I started to understand, oh, okay, so what you're doing is you're grieving, so you're not interfering with the rest of your day. I was like, wow, that's brilliant. Um I don't think Christians really think that way. At least I didn't. Um, and that's a really great way to do it. So you're spending time experiencing the emotion of grief in your day so that it's not overwhelming the rest of your day until you're done. So grief, grief is not the end, it's part of loving another person. And so when you're grieving somebody and they're still alive and they're an addict and they're still alive and they're still engaging in their addiction, it's it's because you love that person. And sometimes even people that do very horrible, despicable things, they've stolen from you, they've lied to you, they've harmed you in some way, financially or emotionally or otherwise. Maybe they're destructive, they're destroying things in your life. Um, they're trying to manipulate relationships around you. Nobody really wakes up every day and says, Hey, I can't wait to go to court and you know, watch my loved one being tried on a crime, you know. But that's what happens, right? So it's it's a terrible thing to experience, but it's not the end. It's because you love that person, and love will overcome everything eventually. Um and so love uh overcomes all is kind of the mindset that you have to have when you're dealing with an enemy that wants to destroy. Destroying your love for that person is part of what these and the enemy's goal is, and just refuse to let that be the case. That's that's the uh that's the mindset. It's like I'm not going to surrender to the enemy. Um you have to have permission to keep living while you're waiting for the other person to get into recovery. So you have to give yourself permission to do that. That's a really, really important thing. You must keep living and you must live a life where you feel fulfilled, but you have to be, you know, think of it this way: if the person who's an addict, they're the the hurricane that's moving into town and destroying everything around them, and so then they've destroyed everything. Well, if you want that person to get into recovery and they get clean and sober, and you're no longer healthy, who are they coming back to? So being strong means you have to keep living, even though the other person is destroying their lives, and that's part of that grieving the loss. So when you're experiencing that loss that that person has in their life, because they are they are starting to lose their battle against the enemy who is destroying them through the use of addiction, understand that if you also become destroyed in that process, the enemy has won both battles. Um how is that going to work out if the person who has addiction gets into recovery and becomes healthy? How is that going to help them? If you have become lost and you have surrendered to the enemy in the process, they're not going to have anybody to come back to. On the other hand, standing uh by and watching the other person just slowly self-destruct through addiction is a horrible experience. No question. I've been through it in my family, I've been through it with my friends, I was going through it myself. Um, it's a terrible thing. No question. And it does take an incredible amount of strength to get through that and watch that as a loved one of an addict. But that doesn't mean that you need to give up your life. And, you know, to use that lifeguard metaphor, don't become a victim trying to save someone else, because now the next person who's going to have to rescue you is going to have to rescue two people. And they're going to pick they're going to pick the one that you were trying to rescue first and you last. So that doesn't help. So as a kind of a closing thought, I I want you to think about this. Grief doesn't mean you've given up, it means you love that person very deeply. And that is what grief is. It is an expression of love because it's an expression of love through that loss. My hope is that you will keep sight of the fact that the person that you're grieving will eventually come back and hopefully get clean and sober. And it may take a long time. It's a year and a half to two years to call yourself sober or clean. And during that time, that year and a half to two years of actually getting there might include one or two or three or four years of just relapse. So it could stretch out. So just understand that you love that person deeply and you want the best for them, and you want them to get better, and hopefully the enemy doesn't win and take their lives. And if that is the case, um, and you were able to see them get there, love on them when they get there. Now I understand sometimes relationships get broken and you can't have them in their lives anymore because you just can't do that, and that's okay too. That's part of the forgiveness thing. I accept you uh for what you're saying. I forgive you, but I can't have you in my life. But then having that resentment that you might hang on to really is not about what forgiveness is about, then is it? So wishing them well and watching them go on and flourish can be what you do because that's the best you can do in that that love that you feel for them. Otherwise, all is lost, right? And I'm I'm a person that faces loss every day with my clients, and I hate it when the enemy wins. I feel like I have lost the fat the the battle with that person, and it happens to me pretty regularly because I deal with addiction, and people do lose in that addiction. So go to Al-Anon. If you're a loved one and you're suffering, go to Al-Anon. Get a therapist, get a therapist who understands addiction and get some help. Don't isolate and become a victim yourself, please. Well, that's it for this edition of Doc Joc, Your Addiction Life Guard. I hope you've enjoyed uh the topic for today. If you are in need of help, you can reach out to me. I'll help you. Reach me through my website, Wellspringmindbody.com. I'll answer all my emails myself. You can also call me, put the number that's provided there on the website. I enter my phone. I do not have a website. But you need help. You're gonna be calling me directly. And if you don't call me, go to rehab. Go to another counter, go get help, go to AA, go to Alana, go to uh narcotics anonymous, do something, but don't let your life end. You're trying to save your addiction. That's funny. Go get the help. So this is Doc Shock. So until next time, see ya.