Hidden in Plain Sight — Why You’re Trying to Hide Your Addiction

Why is it that your addiction makes you hide your addiction?

Transcript

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I'm again for Dr. Addiction Lifeguard Podcast. I am Dr. Jockey Burger, a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist. You are suffering from addiction, misery, trauma, whatever it is. I'm here to help. You're in search of help, try to get your life back together. Join me here at Dr. Addiction Life Guard, the Addiction Recovery Podcast. So let's keep it in that light, alright? Have a good time, learn something, and then get the real help that you need from a professional. Today, we're talking about something you may know all too well. Why you're trying to hide your addiction even from the people who love you the most. That's the topic for today. Hiding your addiction in plain sight. So the problem with addiction is that it fills you with all kinds of feelings about yourself and about other people, and and you get all dysregulated. And so there's this thing that happens where you start hiding. You know, I've used the phrase a million times in these podcasts. Addic uh isolation is addiction's best friend. And you know what addiction teaches you is to survive in the shadows. You need to build a secret life because part of you believes exposure equals destruction. You know, that's that's what your twisted mind thinks. So you might have two versions of yourself, the one that everyone sees and the one that's carrying the addiction. So they become almost like these dual personalities you you exhibit. And the the the brain sphere and the reward system push for secrecy, you know, it's based on this premise that if they find out, I lose everything. And if I hide it, I keep using, I can use all I want. And that's why addiction it needs a friend, and that friend is isolation. So hiding, isolation by yourself. But hiding comes with a cost. You know, it slowly disconnects you from everyone and everything. And over time, you start to lose that connection, you start to delve more and more into your your addiction. So it just becomes this horrible self-feeding problem. And you know, the issues are really kind of made worse by the feelings of um shame and embarrassment. So shame is like the the poison, right? But it's it's disguised as protection. You think that you're protecting yourself from the shame, but the shame is the poison disguised as protection. So the other the other feeling that's attached to it in that self-judgment realm is guilt. And guilt's a funny one because it it's telling you I did something wrong. But shame says I I am something wrong. So guilt is not something you feel necessarily, you move towards shame, and that's why it's poisonous. It's that belief that fuels your need to keep the secret. You tell yourself, if they really knew me, they'd walk away. Thus you have shame. And the guilt that happens uh at the same time, but it's not the dominant thing. That guilt is that you feel bad about this, and you feel bad about the loss of the relationships, but shame just wipes all that out because you're afraid that they they're really gonna find out who you are, and then they'd walk away. So maybe that shame started along before the drugs and and the alcohol, maybe from trauma or failure or rejection, it still bleeds in under the surface. And that is why when people are feeling badly, um, it's my experience tells me it's always trauma-based. It's always trauma-based. And it doesn't matter if it's in childhood or maybe later on, something you've done or something that happened to you, somebody something somebody did to you. And so that rejection that you're fearing, that that rejection of that that trauma, that and that, and that failure. Maybe you failed miserably at something, you failed at your marriage, or you failed at you know uh something at work, or you failed in your business, or it could be anything. And again, we go back to if they really knew who you were, they'd walk away. That's your fear. And and the fear of consequences when exposure happens, um, the you know, really moves you towards that isolation. You're scared, you're scared of rejection, you're scared of judgment, losing your job, your family, maybe your reputation. So you tell yourself, I'll stop before it gets bad. You know, bad is very, very subjective, it's not objective. Or they wouldn't understand. So if you if you get exposed, people wouldn't understand. Those fears are real, but they also keep you trapped in that same loop. You're stuck in that hamster wheel. And what you don't realize is that hiding the problem usually creates the very losses that you're trying to prevent. And when you have those losses, and maybe they even start mounting up. Many of my clients will have examples where they lost uh their marriage because they lost their job and it weighed on them so heavily that they lost identity attached to the job and now they don't know who they are, and they start acting out. And maybe they're already have some some addiction issues, but now the drinking or the drugs really kick in. And so you don't realize that when you're hiding that problem, no, and for men it's it's particularly problematic, but for women too, they can they can have this um issue of it it's creating the very loss that you're trying to prevent. You don't want to disconnect from people, and you feel lonely, you feel isolated, you feel lonely, and your embarrassment and your shame kind of feeds into that. So the denial and the self-deception that goes on when you're engaged in this process, so before you lie to others, you have to start lying to yourself. And we all know what that looks like. This isn't really that big of a problem, or I'm gonna I'm it didn't really happen. I get a lot of that too. Like that didn't really happen. Um, it's it's really interesting when I'm talking to clients and they they move into that um with their usage. It's like I didn't really do that. And I have to pry stuff out of people sometimes about their usage. They they really minimize what's going on. You minimize the effect, you minimize the usage. I'm not I you know, I only use on the weekends, and you you compare. There's a lot of comparison that goes on. At least I'm not as bad as him. And that goes on uh even when I'm trying to get people to go in to get help and get into the recovery community. They look around the room, they're like, I'm not like these people. You know, some of them have these horror stories. That's that's the term that gets you used a lot, is horror stories. And I hear that, you know, it's she's man, there's some really bad ones out there, you know. I at least I'm not as bad as that guy, or not as bad as that woman. She really she blew her life up. Understand that addiction is a spectrum disorder. You don't start out mainlining heroin or you know, snorting cocaine every day, or drinking a fifth of vodka every day. You don't start out there, that's where you end up, but that's not where you start. And and so, with that, with that minimizing, denial becomes your comfort zone because it keeps the illusion alive. It keeps that illusion of it's not really that big of a problem. And that it's almost like that that schizophrenic, like, you know, I'm here, I'm seeing, I'm living in one world, but I'm the reality is there's a whole different world here. Um, but those illusions, they don't they don't float, they sink you. Just like a lifeguard ignores the undertow. So you you just it'll sink you, you know. If you're a lifeguard and you're going out and you're swimming out to get somebody and there's an undertow, it might drag you down, might drag you away. You have to be aware of what's going on. You have to be really facing that that truth. That's what keeps you from going under. The truth, that that truth of like really what am I? And that's that breakthrough that we have when we realize we've just our life has become unmanageable. Step one, right? My life has become unmanageable. So what you know, what are you doing when you're doing all this stuff? When you're making stuff up, you're minimizing, you're isolating, you're you're protecting the addiction. So the enemy is is is got you in this addiction cycle and the state of addiction, and then you start protecting it, even though that that's something that you like. I'm all conflicted because I want to get rid of this. So you might not realize it, but you built this relationship with your addiction, and that's really what the enemy wants you to do. The enemy wants you to have a relationship with addiction, and it's like a dysfunctional, um, abusive domestic relationship where one spouse is beating the other, but you're trying to build that relationship with somebody that's beating you, and they, you know, they want to harm you, but it comforts you, it numbs you, it demands your loyalty, and you defend it like it's a friend or a spouse or a lover. And it's all it's all bad. Every every lie, every cover story, every excuse is really about protecting your addiction's survival. And I say that in these in these podcasts, don't end your life by trying to save your addiction. But while you protect it, it's quietly destroying you from the inside out. I know what that feels like. I I've lived that, and I know what you feel like when you're there. It's you feel like you're dying, and you can you can feel it, you know, it's not from the outside, it's from the inside. And you're that's what you're doing. You're you're protecting that from happening to you. So the shame so let's talk about a couple things. One one the shame loop. What the this this endless cycle of engaging in something that's trying to kill you. So here's how the cycle works you use and then you feel ashamed, and the shame causes you to isolate and hide, and then you feel bad, so you use again. Now you may be using because you you have some other thing that you're trying not to feel, but this is the cycle. So you're you're using, you feel shame, you hide, you isolate, then you use again. And that that loop, that that's a trap. That's a prison. And the and this is this is when you know that the enemy has really got their hooks in you. Um you're trapped, and you feel it. I I can remember feeling like that. I just I just wanted to get out, but I couldn't because I was stuck in this prison. And that's when you that's when I start hearing words like, you don't know what it's like, you don't know what I'm going through. And most people don't, but that's because you're isolating and you're quiet about it. But you're mad about the fact that they don't understand. So breaking that cycle, breaking that shame loop takes courage and compassion for yourself, and that's what we don't have when we're caught in that addiction. People who are caught in addiction, they feel this self-loathing, this really angry upset about themselves. So you it really takes a lot of courage and compassion. Compassion, love for yourself, extending grace to yourself, not self-hatred. So recovery begins when you stop running from the truth and you start letting the light in through honesty, therapy, accountability, connection in the community, the recovery community. This is why it's so important to get involved in groups. And you know, if it's Iop or it's AA or NA or it's Al Anon or it's something, right? You gotta get in that group. Get in the group so that you're not isolating. But when you get there, you have to be honest. And again, I'm gonna go back to the well, at least I'm not as bad as her or I'm not as bad as him. You gotta get away from that. You start looking at yourself, and that's and then the other part of it is the accountability. Because if you're working with a sponsor, and that's really what you should be doing in in the A's, is you should be making yourself accountable and feeling the connection. So you have to let people in. And so what so if you can get out of the sh out of the shame loop, um, it's it's gonna get you there quicker, it's gonna get you there better. So if you understand that truth, it's there's freedom there, but it's painful. I'm gonna be honest with you, it's really painful, you know. Um if it if anybody has ever gone to residential treatment and you sat in these rooms with in groups, and there's that moment of breakthrough where somebody is actually realizing, oh my gosh, I am I am so sad, and you and and you become super emotional. I've heard stories of people that had these breakthroughs, and it could be in a residential treatment program, it could be in an AA meeting, it could be with your sponsor, it could be, you know, it's usually in the presence of someone else because that it's it's interesting. Bearing witness to somebody when they're going through this is very powerful and very, very difficult. You see them going through it, and you just, as an as somebody in recovery and you're watching somebody go through that, you're so filled with compassion and attachment to the person that's going through this. As the person who's going through it, you feel ultimately vulnerable, and you get this flood of emotion that goes through you where you are connecting with the actual pain that you've been existing in for so long, but not really understanding that that's what that's what you've been feeling. But it's this honest, brutal understanding of self, connection with self. And that's really, really difficult to experience. It's difficult to witness, but it's more important that it be witnessed because you need to be able to to understand that people do get it. And when you don't feel alone, you're gonna you're gonna have somewhere to go with this instead of just being, you know, isolated. And you know, nobody is gonna witness this and just pretend like it, you know, didn't happen five minutes later. You're gonna feel support and love and connectivity in a way that's m that's very moving. So what how do we know w what's going on? You know, as addicts, it is m it's almost impossible to have true introspective thinking when you're using. When you stop using, you become very dysregulated, and it's it's very common. Um so you you ask yourself, listen, I'm I'm saying to you, ask yourself, am I becoming defensive and secretive about my use? And you're listening to this podcast, and you're and you're you know, you're obviously listening because you have have issues or have had issues. Honesty is the the light. You move to the light, like I understand the truth. Am I becoming defensive? Am I am I am I lying to other people? Am I lying to myself even about my usage? Do I hide money or time or behavior from people close to me? Do I make up excuses? Do I come up with rationalizations why I didn't show up or why I'm late or you know, why I didn't turn in this report or that work or why I stood somebody up on some social event or a date or something? Am I hiding money and time? Money being like, am I am I opening up I had one guy who opened up a separate checking account and he would funnel money into it so that he could buy with a debit card so his wife couldn't see the purchases at at the uh the liquor store, the ABC store. Uh a time, you know, excuses. I hear, oh my gosh, I hear so many excuses coming from people. Where were you yesterday? Oh, I was here, I was, you know, I was I was delayed, my, you know, my I had a flat tire, I my car wouldn't start, I, you know, I oh, I wasn't feeling well. It's time the or behavior, you know. Wow, you seem really edgy, you seem really short. Why are you so argumentative now? Like, and it's because you're you need to use and you have it, and you're going through withdrawal. Um, or or maybe you're just you know, you've had a few too many, or maybe you went into the bathroom and and did a bump real quick and you come out and you're super talkative, you're super um, like almost manically energized, and and people are aware of this, like they see this, and so you're you you're lying to people about it, you know. Oh, it's oh I, you know, it's a medication I was taking, or you know, I whatever. All right. So do you feel constant anxiety about being found out? Is that a concern for you? Like you were genuinely freaked out about your somebody's gonna find out that you're using. Now, this can happen in different different uh in different phases. It could be, you know, you've just been using and ramping up over time, and then people are gonna, you're afraid people are gonna find out that you've been using more. Um, another scenario is you stopped using for three months or five months or six months, and you got to that six that deadly six month mark, and then you started using again. That's shameful, right? I mean, that's how you feel shame about that. Um, so are you afraid about being f found out? So let me go over these again. Are you becoming defensive or secretive about your use? Are you hiding money, time, and behavior problems um from people close to you that are concerned about you? Do you feel constant anxiety about being found out? Those are the warning signs that the addiction is in control, not you. Addiction has taken a hold of you and it's making you a liar and a manipulator and a deceiver. So observation is the first step. Observe, don't absorb your shame. You know, you've heard me say that phrase, wow, uh observe, don't absorb. Well, this is about your own shame. Observe it. I'm saying to you, this may be an issue, and hopefully you're in a situation, this is why it's important to be working with others in recovery. Are you are you observing that you're saying it? Yeah, I'm this is this is the point of like in when you go to AA, those of you don't know, you stand up and you say something, and there's no crosstalk. People can't respond to you directly, they can't criticize you or comment about whatever you're saying. So if if you say it out loud, you say, I lied to my husband because I went out with some girlfriends and I drank. Okay, you're listening this is you being honest, right? So you're not absorbing the shame. You're just saying it out loud. You're saying it in a in an AA meeting, and nobody's everybody's just looking at you with a lot of feeling. You know, you're feeling it. See, so see what's really going on without judgment, seeing it. See what's really going on without judgment for you, your own critical judgment. And and when you get to the point where you can actually engage in that healing process, it's the beginnings of this. Like my life has become unmanageable. This is out of control. I am so dysregulated. Oh my gosh, what am I doing? Understand, like I said before, addiction is a spectrum, right? You start out with very little usage, and the end stage is I'm, you know, I've got hep C and my I've got uh jaundice and uh my liver's failing and I'm homeless. That's the that's the extreme end of it. So what's the the the what's the first step? Well, the first step toward healing is truth. Understand the truth, the truth will set you free. I'm gonna paraphrase some some scripture from the the New Testament. Understand the truth, the truth will set you free. I know we're talking not talking about Jesus, but we're talking about your truth. I am an addict, I am helpless with this, I am overcome by this. That's the first step. Life, my my life has become unmanageable. You don't need to tell everyone right now, just start by being honest with yourself. That's where it starts. Like, I that's what happens when people come into my office. They come in and I say, What can I do for you? You're here. So what's going on? And they they say, Well, I think I might have a problem. And I say, Okay, well, you want to talk about it? And kind of throws them off because they think I'm just gonna pry right into it. And it's like, no. Um, no, I'm gonna ask you, do you want to talk about it? And you know, do you sometimes it's the third, fourth, fifth session before somebody actually says, Well, you know, I told you it was alcohol, but really it's actually a lot worse than that. They need to test the water, so to speak, about, you know, can I trust this guy that I'm talking to that I don't know? But honesty breaks that that chain of shame. Light dissolves secrecy. It's kind of like I've always you know said in the past, it's like a dark room that's got cockroaches and and mice running around and it's in the kitchen, and you turn the light on, what happens? Well, all the cockroaches want to run away. They don't want to be seen, they don't want to be in that room. They don't, you know, so light dissolves the secrecy, it makes it go away. The truth is, this is going to kill you, and it's destructive in your life, and you're losing things, and you didn't really want to lose them. So you may, but you may lose some things when the truth comes out, but you'll finally start gaining your life back, and that's really what this is about. It's like get your life back. We suffer in silence, we suffer in secrecy. Well, the suffering, the it's not the suffering that you're gonna tackle right away, it's the secrecy part, not the suffering. The suffering happens, the the the ending of the suffering happens when the secrecy ends. So remember, you know, the lifeguard rule that I've told you about don't drown trying to um rescue somebody. Well, in this one, it's don't don't drown trying to hide. That's crazy. You gotta reach out for help, you gotta engage in that process of help. So when you're trying to figure out what the first step is for you in recovery, if you're trying to get there, or or if you've been struggling with it, I'm telling you, my experience of doing this for 20 plus years is start telling the truth. And the truth starts with you, and then you be able to say it to somebody else. And I, you know, my own prejudicial view is it's helpful to have a well-trained therapist who understands and has trained in treatment of addiction as a specialty because there, you know, the truth that you're speaking, you know, in all likelihood, the person you're talking to is also in recovery. Many people who uh go into a specialty with addiction, it's because they understand it and they feel tremendous amount of compassion for those who are suffering from addiction as well. So it it it but it doesn't have to be a therapist. Um, it could be a friend or it could be some a sponsor. Um, well, you wouldn't have a sponsor if you'd seen that I guess in a meeting. Walk into the meeting, man. It's the scariest thing in the world that first time you walk into a meeting. It feels probably like total defeat, total, total um, I've lost my mind, and I don't even belong here. I don't even know why I'm here, but I do know why I'm here. I mean, it's very scary the first time you go to a meeting. I'm not gonna kid you, but it's important. And so being able to be honest with yourself really it's much more effective if you're honest with yourself in the presence of someone else. So find somewhere where you can start to engage in that. You can engage in some truth, and the truth will set you free. The enemy wants you to lose everything, and it wants to destroy as many people around you as possible before it ultimately kills you. And that would be a tremendous shame. There's been so many people, and it's accelerating because of fentanyl and because of other drugs, but the losses, you know, I just in my life, um the the the losses I've suffered with the people of friends, people I loved, people I cared about, they're dead because of overdose or addiction-related stuff. But you think about the people in your life that have suffered, and you too have suffered, perhaps, um, and your suffering continues until you start shedding some light on that suffering. You can get better, you will get better, but it's not going to happen quickly, immediately. It's gonna happen with a lot of work and a lot of evaluation and kind of delving into the real issues. So don't be afraid to do that, please. Wow, that was quick. Seemed like it was quick to me. Um, I hope you enjoyed this episode of Doc Jacques, your addiction lifeguard. I am Dr. Jockey Brukert, your addiction lifeguard. If you want to reach out to me, you can you can reach me on my website, wellspringmindbody.com, and send me a message. If you like this podcast, please like and share the podcast. If you have suggestions that you have for me or questions, please reach out to me. And if nothing else, please. This is not treatment. This is just conversation about getting treatment. Go get treatment, check into a rehab, go to IoT, go to PHP, go to a therapist, go to something. There's no point in you anyway to stay treatment. That's crazy. So until next time, this is Dr. Jacques, your addiction lifeguard, saying see ya.