At The End Of Your Rope - When Addiction Stops Working

 In this episode of Doc Jacques: Your Addiction Lifeguard, we talk about what happens when you finally reach the end of your rope—and realize the rope was never actually saving you in the first place. If you’re “sick and tired of being sick and tired” but still somehow negotiating with your substance like it’s a toxic ex, this one’s for you. 

Transcript

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Time again for Doc Shock, your Addiction Lifeguard Podcast. I am Dr. Jockey Burkert, a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist. If you are suffering from addiction, misery, trauma, whatever it is, I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at Doc Shock, Your Addiction Life Guard, the Addiction Recovery Podcast. I wanted to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for. It is intended for entertainment and informational purposes, but not considered help. If you actually need real help and you're in need of help, please seek that out. If you're in dire need of help, you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them. But don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help. It's not. It's just a podcast. It's for entertainment and information only. So let's keep it in that light, alright? Have a good time, learn something, and then get the real help that you need from a professional. Hello again, this is Doc Jacques, and I wanted to speak to you about what happens when you get to the end of your rope. Kind of you're at the end of what you feel like you can take. So if you're listening to this and you've picked this topic based on the title of the topic or the uh podcast, you're probably uh you're probably exhausted. Not just tired. You've gotten to the point where you're exhausted. You know, uh we use and we get high because we think that's the answer to the things, and it certainly is like an action step you're taking to uh to deal with your problems, absolutely. But now it's just exhausting. And everything you're doing is exhausting because nothing's working. It it if it was working, you probably wouldn't be listening to this podcast, but you also uh wouldn't be concerned about getting high or drunk or whatever it is you're doing. But I'm guessing you're exhausted. So the substance that you may be uh using may not even be working the way it used to. It probably isn't, because it never really does after a while. I mean, that was the case with uh with me and with a lot of my friends getting high just to get high because you you didn't have any other answer, you know, and that's your coping mechanism for the problem, and now you're just exhausted, it's been going on for so long. So how how do you deal with that? Um some people just continue to use until finally they just collapse. Um addiction stops delivering the relief long before you stop using it, and that's the problem is you know, it's like Anthony Keatus from Red Hot Chili Peppers in the you know, writing the the lyric, I'm sick and sick and tired of being sick and tired. But you're still using, um, and that's that's an issue. So your body, your mind, your nervous system, they get all depleted, they're just all depleted. And maybe you're not quite there yet, but maybe you are, but that's usually where it goes. So here's the truth about that. You know, chronic use leads to diminishing returns and increasing costs and effect on you. That's just the truth. So you have to understand that when you're using, you think it's great. And when people come in to see me in my office and they're first using, they they uh but they're not at the point of exhaustion, but they're getting there. I can see it, I can hear it, they can feel it. They're not there yet. And those are the ones that are the toughest to deal with because they're the ones that keep bargaining with me about usage. They want to be quote unquote normal, you know, use like their friends who aren't ad addicted to whatever it is they're using. But you didn't get here at this point because you're weak. You got to this point because addiction always takes more than it gives. And that's just a truth. So, what do you do to deal with it? Well, white knuckling it is sometimes what some people come up with an answer. They just stop using long enough to just kind of get through. And that rope that you're hanging on to, you know, that's your control. That's that's managing your system symptoms, not systems, your symptoms, it's managing people's reactions, it's managing consequences, and you keep trying and you're hanging on, and it's you know, you just you're losing, but you you know, it's like when you're climbing a rope, sometimes you start slipping down and you you feel yourself slipping, and it's because you're trying to maintain control. And symptoms and managing those symptoms and trying to figure out how to get away with still doing what you used to do, that's a real problem. It's a constant tension. Addiction is just constant tension. So holding that rope tighter, it feels like strength, but it's actually just survival panic. You know, you slip a little bit, you grab a little bit tighter, and you're trying to keep that, keep that control. And and it it just doesn't ever work. So white knuckling it, it's not recovery. End of the rope moments are nervous system collapse. It's not moral failure, you know, you're not a you're not morally weak, it's not a weak weakness of willpower. That's not what being at the end of the rope is. It's just your nervous system, it's just collapsing. The adrenaline, the hypervigilance, the resentment, the anger, all that stuff. It's just got you to a point of just complete nervous system collapse. So the harder you grip that rope, the less oxygen you have, the less that's in you. You can only grip tighter for so long. So emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, you are just spent. And that's that's many times that's when people come into my office for help. They've gotten to that point, or they're about to get into that point, and I'm getting the pleasure of witnessing them do it. But you know, it's funny because me um making that observation to them, it never helps them. You know, if I if I say to them, hey man, this is where you seem to be, this is what seems to be going on, that that doesn't really help them. Um, so I just don't I don't say that. But what I do is I help them when they're hanging on to that rope. I I kind of help them uh understand that what you're doing is hanging on to that rope. You know, it's like I'm I'm not gonna I'm not gonna try to get them to stop doing it, I'm just gonna let them know I see you doing it. So the the moment that you get to the end of that rope, it feels so dangerous. And there's a reason. Um at the end of your rope, one of three things is happening. You've escalated your use, you emotionally are shut down, and you're finally telling the truth. And that's where you're the the very end of that rope is where truth starts to creep in. You know, you can't lie to yourself about how you physically feel or how you emotionally feel, but you're still kind of resisting it. Um, so this is really the most um difficult moment for you. Your brain is trying to seek relief, it's trying to trying to get some sense of relief at any cost. And that, you know, that's why they again, that's why they end up in my office. They're they're seeking help. There may they may not be accepting it, but they're seeking it. And it's funny because I'll have people that will come in week after week after week for for weeks or sometimes months, and they'll keep coming in and they come in, they come in, and it's almost like I imagine that they're sitting in the chair across from me with their arms folded, like, okay, I'm here, but I'm not gonna do anything. So I'm just for me, it's just a waiting game, you know. And if and if you feel like that, you being that stubborn, like I'm here, um, and then you go back out and you keep using, understand showing up is part of it. I mean, that's really I mean, you got to show up for help. So go to meetings, go to a counselor. You really need to go to a counselor. Um, that's very helpful to find somebody who is an addiction counselor, somebody who has a specialization, because they're not gonna try to force you into anything, they're gonna just sit and wait for you, you know. You got to come to meet them, they're not gonna try to chase after you. Some therapists who are not trained in addiction would start to get worked up in that and think that I'm, you know, I must help my client. And they they start chasing. And unfortunately, that's the game that addicts play. So they're very, very good at the chase game. The therapists are not so good at it because they don't realize they're getting sucked into a game by the addict. And if you're in, if you're trying to work on on recovery at this point, that's when you're most vulnerable for relapse. Because the the moment that you're at the end of your rope, you know, physically, spiritually, emotionally, um you you're really you're very vulnerable at real for relapse because you you're the pressure of that and the feeling of that feels horrible. So again, you're gonna want to get some relief and old coping mechanisms, which were the use of the drugs, or maybe you're one of those that switches drug of choice in that moment and you go from heroin to alcohol or from alcohol to weed or something like that, um, weed to food or shopping or gambling or whatever. So it if um your feelings start driving things. So the thinking about it in this way, you know, if you stop, then everything falls apart. So I can't I can't stop using something. But what actually falls apart is that illusion of control. So it's the opposite of perhaps what you're thinking. Um not fighting means that you'll probably get there. So addiction convinces you that you're letting the letting go is death. When reality it's it's the beginning of stabilization, letting go of control or or relinquishing control and letting someone else help you, right? This is why we get into recovery groups and we have sayings like there's only one thing you have to change to get clean and sober. Everything. Or there's another one, this is my favorite one. Individuals don't get clean and sober, groups do, right? And sometimes you have to do what other people are telling you to do, even when you don't want to do it. Somebody comes into my office, they they're like, Okay, give me instructions. So I'll give them instructions, and they leave, and I say, you know, listen to a podcast, read a book. I definitely want you to go to at least two meetings this week. I don't care if you do them online or you do them in person, I would prefer in person, but whatever. Like two meetings, listen to a podcast, and they leave. And they come back the next week and I say, So, how'd it go? And they just kind of start talking and I go, Well, wait a minute. Well, uh, did you did you do the homework? And they look at me like they don't remember. They do, because they were afraid I was gonna ask, and they're afraid that I would remember. And of course I remember and I say, Did you go to two meetings? Well, you know, my work and uh I had this thing and uh you know I was not feeling well, you know, okay, so I didn't do that. Okay, so did you listen to a podcast? Well, you know, I thought about it, but I was you know super busy, and uh so you they don't follow instructions. I'm patient, I'll wait. You know, they'll eventually get to it. So um that's part of it. Um so if you're trying to maintain control, understand that when you give up control, that's that's when you're going to start gaining things. So addiction convinces you that letting go is death. When in reality it's not. You start stabilizing, let other people help you. So what I see when someone is is clinically, when someone is done, um shame, resentment, fear, sadness, they kind of creep in. So the the authority that you have. Um common statements from addicts at this stage are kind of like, ah, I can't do this anymore. I don't even know why I'm using. I'm tired of disappointing everybody. I'm tired of being tired. You know, they're kind of at that surrender point, end of the rope, right? So what that means is that there's this first moment of clarity. Like you can see the chaos and the damage that it's doing to you. You're starting to see it. And the nervous system is signaling that overload, right? Because you're feeling it. Before that, perhaps you thought you were kind of doing okay, you the illusion of doing okay. It's like, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. It's the classic dumpster fire. You know, there's you're the dumpster is on fire, and it's like, no, it's okay, I'm okay. It's like, no, you're not, and you're starting to realize that. So there's that moment of clarity um when the nervous system is starting to just collapse, you're you're exhausted. So the feeling is done, but being ready is the result, right? It it feeling done doesn't necessarily feel like you're being ready, but actually it is being ready. And readiness comes with honesty and getting help. So when you're hitting the end of your rope, it doesn't mean that you're cured. It means that you're reachable. You're at the end of hanging on to that rope. Now you can be reached. When you're way up at the other end of the rope, nobody can reach you. You think you got it going on, you think everything's fine, and then you're slowly, slowly, slowly, it's getting worse and worse and worse. But that just means you're reachable by those of us who have been waiting for you all this time to get down to Earth's level here, you know. So how how does this strength um when it's finally running out, what what what what can you do? You know, if you're if you're a Christian, there's a scriptural reference that kind of is very um relevant and it's it's in Matthew. Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. This is the idea of like, you know, you just you come to me, you lay it at my feet. Lay that problem at my feet. Um it's it's funny. There's no there's no request for willpower coming from God. He he asks for surrender and truth. So surrender is not passivity, it's actually the beginning of the action steps. It can feel like failure, right? I surrendered, but from a spiritual point, from that spiritual point, it's not about that. It's about coming to and laying it down. If you're burdened, if you're weary, uh exhausted, as I'm saying. That getting rid of that exhaustion, finally, I just like, oh, I can't, you know, it's like wearing shoes that are too small. You take them off and suddenly your feet feel better. You're walking around, you're just in pain, but you're not really even necessarily sure why. So it's the end of this self-deception, kind of like when you're wearing those shoes and you're walking around, you keep telling yourself, yeah, but they look really good, and you just keep pretending like they're not hurting your feet. Then you take them off. You've you've surrendered to the idea that that you know what, I don't care how they look, my feet hurt, I can't wear these anymore. So it's not a passive movement surrender, it's an active movement, it's an action towards moving towards the recovery. And so when you do that, grace shows up when pretending stops. So the idea of coming to him when you're weary and burdened and you can't do it anymore, and that's where you start to get that that rest. Um so you're at the end of your rope. Congratulations. What do you not do when you're at the end of the rope? What do you what are you not supposed to do when you get there? So um making promises you can't keep. Oh, I'm never gonna do this again. Yeah, well, you know what? You all likelihood, statistically, you're going to. You're going to have multiple accidents when you actually start working on recovery. Um sometimes the the you know, when you stop using your chemical of choice, the um the feeling of shame starts to kick in because you realize that you've been doing all these things that are a problem for other people. Maybe you've caused a lot of chaos. You've been the tornado that blew into town and destroyed a bunch of buildings, you know, um, relationships or work or you know, whatever. So that shame uh it can keep you in its grip of needing to isolate and disappear. And I that's what happens. My it's it's a regular thing for me when I'm dealing with clients. I'll be working with a client for six months or whatever, and they call and they say, uh, you know, not I I gotta work, so I need to cancel my session this week. And I'm like, okay, do you want to reschedule it? No, no, I'll just catch you next week. I'm like, okay. And I'm waiting. And second call comes the next week. Hey, uh, I'm not feeling well. Uh, I need to can I cancel again? Sorry. Um, and I'm like, okay, well, how about this? Uh, it's our appointments for Tuesday, so why don't we reschedule for Friday? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I would, but uh, I gotta work late, so I I can't. Okay, all right. All right, when that happens, I already know I'm gonna get the third call on the third week. And the third call is gonna be, hey, yeah, I can't uh can't make it. And you know, it's been a few weeks, and I I think I need to take a break, and I'm like, okay, here we go. So I sometimes I'll just ask them, like, so how much have you been using? Or how long? When did you start uh when did you start drinking again? And that's uh sometimes I don't, but I mean that that's I know that's what's happened. So they're gonna disappear. And sometimes they'll disappear for a month or two, sometimes just a couple weeks. But uh, you know, it's it's a familiar tune, and it's really funny because they think that uh, you know, I don't know this because like I've never done this before for 24 years. This I've been sitting in my office by myself, not really observing addicts and their behavior. So I know what's happening, and it's fine. Uh you know, it's like, hey, call me, call me when you're ready. You know, I do it's like I told you, my door's always open. Um that idea of like uh saying those, the that grand gesture, that dramatic gesture of like, okay, I'm done with addiction. I'm like, yeah, no, you're not you're not actually done. Uh again, they're gonna have some accidents. You might even have a relapse or two in there. Uh, and you know what? If you do that, um it's it's just you lying to yourself. So that's that's an issue. Now, the other one that happens quite frequently, um, uh interestingly, especially more with drugs and alcohol, I find, and I'm not sure why. Um, when you're replacing the substances with relationships, um and and all of a sudden there's like this pursuit for a relationship that all of a sudden happens, and it's like you're getting sidetracked. And I'll try to tell people hey man, you You're um you're sidetracking yourself by getting involved in this. Why are you chasing girls? Why are you chasing guys? What what's what's going on here? I know what's going on. I'm just asking them if they know. And they they're like, oh no, I just I think it's time, you know. And I'm like, uh, you know what? Listen, it's it's it's a year or two after you're really sober before you can even think about a relationship. And oh no, no, no. That's what I'm and again that happens, and then a lot of times they start to isolate and then they disappear for a while and they come back and they're like, you know, or the other one, if it's not relationships, it's adrenaline stuff. So they start, you know, these high-risk things, um whatever it is, you know, some sport or motorcycles or cars or you know, whatever. And it's always an adrenaline push because they need that dopamine hit. And so they're substituting the the adrenaline rush for the dopamine hit they got from thinking about or using their drug of choice. So the moment when you're at the end of your rope, that moment requires containment, not chaos. And by containment, I mean containing yourself, not isolating, not disappearing, not being dramatic, not losing yourself in relationships or any of those other things, but just containment of self, like just could calm down. Like, let's just go to meetings, let's just work on self, right? But many times they'll start creating chaos, and that makes them feel like they're doing something when they're not. So desperation without guidance, uh right into relapse. It turns into relapse, you know. Um, don't be desperate, don't feel desperate. Uh, what do you do instead? Um it's pretty simple. Tell the truth to a safe professional, therapist, preferably, uh, treatment provider, go to rehab or something, right? But tell the truth to somebody who's not gonna be reactive to it. Stop negotiating with the substance. Just one more, or just uh and no more cutting back plans. That's here. Let's do that. Like, I you know, I'm gonna just I'm gonna go down to like I'm only gonna drink on the weekends, or I'm only gonna get I got a client or two that'll say, I'm only gonna get uh I'm only gonna use weed on the weekends, never during the week. All right, you're negotiating with a fool yourself because that's not cutting back and it's not gonna work. It's just it's just exhaustion that's telling you that you you've got to do something, right? But you don't want to give up your drug of choice. Accept structure without before motivation. Accepting structure before motivation is a problem. Treatment works before hope returns. And if you're you're not really motivated, the saying that I have is um people uh they they start working on abstaining, but they think that's recovery, and it's not. You got to abstain to work on recovery, so you don't recover by feeling ready, you recover because you're getting honest. Understand the truth, and the truth will set you free. So you are um in need of that. So you're you're not the you're not the rescuer right now, you are the swimmer in distress. So saving other people or getting involved in that kind of stuff is bad. Going to meetings and then getting overly involved in other people's stuff. So letting go of the rope means that you're uh you're gonna it allows you to to rely on professionals, it relies uh allows you to be accountable, it allows you to to formulate structure that somebody else has given you. So being rescued is not a solo activity, you don't rescue yourself, you ask for rescue. Um being rescued also, might I stress, is not failure, it's wisdom. You know, this is old Clint Eastwood movie, uh, the Dirty Harry series, and he he he has this line, he's like, a man's gotta know his limitations. And he does. Strong people accept help before they disappear, before they drown. Weak people keep trying to um do it themselves. So letting go is a strength, it's not a weakness. So if you are at the end of your rope, stay there. Don't start trying to climb back up and take control. Just stay there. So don't make that that moment louder than it needs to be, worse than it needs to be. This is when you're gonna reach out. Please reach out for help. Go see somebody, go talk to somebody who's a professional who can help you. Get an assessment. And you know, a lot of times people have these co-occurring mental health disorders that they don't even realize have been taking place. They're depressed, they have bipolar disorder, they got um really bad anxiety, maybe they got PTSD, maybe you've got, I don't know what, but like figure that out too, right? And stop pretending. Stop pretending that you're you're doing something by reg, you know, grasping for control, uh, clinging to that rope. It's like, I'm not really, I'm not really a problem. This is you know, it's your problem, it's not my problem. You know what? That's that's magical thinking. It's a problem for everybody, and especially for you. So if you're at the point where the rope ran out, it ran out for a reason. It was never meant to save you, honesty was. The rope was the metaphor for the nonsense of control that you think you have. It's never meant to save you, but your honesty is. And again, understand the truth, and the truth will set you free. So go get some help. Surrender to recovery, just like you surrendered to addiction, and you're gonna actually be much better off. And so, that's this addiction of addiction, not addiction, addition of Jacques Doc, your addiction lifeguard. I hope you've enjoyed this podcast. If you have, subscribe, like, return, and telephone. Because you might be helping somebody to save their life. If you need further help yourself, hey, go to rehab, go find a counselor, get some help. You can reach out to me, uh, I'll help you, I'll give you directions to get help, or whatever it is. There's no point in saving your addiction by ending your life or creating chaos or destroying relationships, or whatever it is, just go get help. So, this is Doc Shock saying uh until next time on the Doc Shock, your addiction lifeguard podcast.